Dear Voters,
Today is the day of to vote for the highest office in our Land, two-hundred and forty years after the birth of our country. And we should be ashamed of ourselves.
If you're reading then then you know about me, but none of you know me. I have stood in front of the principalities and powers that believe they govern our world to speak about what I have seen and done. I have talked with the eldest and the youth, our politicians and policy makers, media personalities and propagandists, friend and foe alike. I exposed the wounds of my heart, mind, body, and soul to all who would listen, shouting in my whispers a cacophony of sorrow and misery. Of betrayal and the grim burning rage that sits where my heart used to be.
And the best that my countrymen can do is stand by while my fellow veterans and I lose ourselves to the madness of war. And the best my fellow veterans can do is turn on one another to defend a loyalty that never existed because we should all know by now that our "service" means nothing. That whenever we hear "thank you for your service" all that echoes in our minds is "thank goodness that isn't me."
And what goodness is there in having to fight in a war without a cause? What goodness is it to send young men to kill and die so that the old men might sleep in their beds, safe with wife and kids? What good have we done when all evident truths point to us as being the cause to our own problems? That twenty-two veterans a day, minimum, kill themselves because they glimpse with despair of the evil in men's souls?
I have heard people say that this generation is a bunch of pussies. I've been told, myself, plenty of harsh things by the ignorant and the uneducated. I've even been called a "Death Cult Leader" by a delusional stalker. Threatened by that same patriot drunk on his own self importance and his fellow blind wannabe haters. I've been rejected by my peers, my fellow veterans, family. Abused, betrayed, and discarded.
I look at all that is going on now in my country, what we have become and all I can think about is that I wasted my time believing in it. Believing in We The People. Believing that my hard work and dedication and love to my Country would matter. That people would listen. That people cared.
I did everything I could to the best of my abilities and it wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I tried. I believed that if I stood up against the bullies of the world then people would stand with me. That my peer relationships and friendships were more than superficial. That I would get more of a response than some fat nobody man-child pilot with a twisted ego acting like an obscene parody of what I was told was a Military Officer calling me a liar because I disagreed with him on Facebook. But my country silently ignored me and hoped that I would simply disappear.
And in that silence I raged. I raged because my peers and former leadership are all cowards. That I served under fools. Whatever happened to "Integrity, Service, and Excellence?" Whatever happened to Swearing an Oath to defend our Constitution, where the preamble starts off with WE THE PEOPLE? Where are the people who follow self-evident truth instead of faith? What has become of E Pluribus Unum? Discarded for trust in a god that doesn't exist?
Our Founding Fathers would be ashamed of us all. Our ancestors would be ashamed that we have ran amok like we have, destroying all rationality through blind faith and willing ignorance.
We are the most interconnected generation in the last 10000 years of recorded history, beyond that is simply speculation. Never before have we had the capability for instantaneous worldwide communication. Never before had we the technology to solve all of our world's issues. The ability to educate and give wisdom that we have today would drive our ancestors mad if they knew we were misusing it and abusing it for personal gain and profit.
We have been warned by many about the abuses we see regularly today. And we ignored them so we shall pay the price. This time the sins of the fathers will be felt by their sons. Our history and our shame available for all to see, recorded and shared for the rest of our species existence.
I hope we're embarrassed by it. I hope we're embarrassed that we let good men and women die for nothing. That we've imprisoned people who have exposed the truth for the benefit of us all and have done nothing. That we did nothing when we could have done everything.
I believed in my country and its people. I was a blind fool. Now I'm tired and sad at everything I see. I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the idiocy that has bombarded my social media and email by people who know nothing and refuse to see anything else but the comforts of their bubble universe. I don't know what to do anymore. I've given everything I could. I have nothing left but sorrow.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. WE HAVE FAILED.
I'm sorry that it had to be in my lifetime. I have no faith in the People any more. I have no faith in governments or principalities or powers. I have no faith in gods or devils, angels or demons. I have seen what we can do and what we can be, both good and bad. I don't need faith to know we can do better, that we can learn. I know there is no such thing as a molecule of mercy or justice in the entirety of the Universe. I know that those are creations of humanity. Things that don't exist outside of us and our interactions with one another. But they are OUR creations. Our gifts that we can give to one another.
I have proved to all who looks what somebody could do alone and wielding Truth. None can challenge me, but I am nothing. A nobody from nowhere. Imagine what you could do together. Imagine if we fought for a better world. If we weren't drowning in terror and propaganda of others telling us what to do and feel and think.
But I imagine that my words will be lost to the darkness, and like many others who have experienced the same, watch as we destroy ourselves over petty differences and self-righteous hate.
I wish I didn't feel such disappointment in people. My people. All Peoples. I wish I could do more. I wish my friends had stood with me. I wish my politicians didn't ignore me. That my fellow veterans didn't hate me. I wish that my family and the community that I had grown up in wasn't blinded by religious dogmatic prejudices. I wish that humanity could show me the better side of itself because all I see is shit.
I hope somebody sees this, but I doubt anyone will. Goodbye, America. Your fantasy will be missed.
-B
08 November 2016
24 January 2016
Ramblings of the Green Man
It's the 24nd of January in Oslo, Norway. I am alone with my thoughts. I am a prisoner of my mind.
Two months have passed since our trip to New York City premiere of DRONE. Two months since I have completely lost faith in my home, my family, my country... my People. Of agonizing heartache that simply won't go away. Of realizing that while I cannot walk away like I had originally wanted to do.
I'm tired. My bones are weary, my body aches. My dreams are filled with loneliness and hate. My mind burns and my soul glows. My heart is heavy and my stomach dreads. I know my fight isn't over yet.
My task was completed. My ghosts no longer look at me with expectation but with satisfaction. My ancestors love me and I represent the best of who I could be. I challenged the gods and they trembled, the world shook beneath my feet.
Humanity is simply apathetic.
Everyday I'm left alone with my thoughts. What is, what could be, what could've been. I was forced from my world of dreams to confront the Nightmare and all that comes to mind is the simple question: For what?
Yes, I got my soul back. Just in time to see humanity destroy itself and our planet.
I have made peace with the warring Light and Dark inside my mind, but the scars on my psyche remain to remind me that my destruction was nearly complete.
I confronted my Demons, fulfilled my Obligation to the Dead, faced my Ancestral Judgement, challenged the gods, and submitted to Fate.
I marked myself, my hands, as a reminder of who I am and who I want to be. They are the first things that interact with the world and I always see them.
I discarded the chains of Faith in favor of exploring the unknown.
I escaped the deepest and darkest pits of shame and humiliation. My body was left broken to die by those that I had once dedicated my life, heart and soul, to. I have learned to control my pain, my rage, and my sorrow, in spite of seeking help and receiving less than nothing. I gave and gave and give and have asked for nothing in return other than mutual respect and love. The only true things of value that we can share with one another.
I look at the world around me and cannot help but think that it is too late.
I reached my Enlightenment, the Path anyways, thinking that I was one of the Last. That I needed to catch up. But it turns out that I am Awake during the witching hour. That most everyone is still sleeping because that is the only true way to escape the terror of the world, the comfort of Dreams. I'm afraid that what I've learned isn't enough, that my truth, my Light, will be consumed by the void of human apathy.
The Light shows us that which we refuse to acknowledge in the Dark. Exposes our flaws, and vulnerabilities. Makes us an easier target by those who would rather remain unchanging.
Buddha says that one in ten thousand will seek enlightenment, and one in ten thousand of those will achieve it. What is that number today with our access to the sum of all human knowledge at the tips of our fingers? Why do we have people starving and homeless while food rots in storage and houses stay empty? How did technology go from providing better lives for people to the best method to kill your neighbor and wage war? Who cannot look at history and not be ashamed at what we have done to be where we are today? When did we forget the value of the time we have on this world?
I am, and always will be, a scholar first, an explorer of the mind, body, and soul. I had once wanted to be a "Holy Man of God," but realized that would require me to live blindly. In pursuit of my answers I was given my proverbial sword and taught that I had to kill for "God and Country." I was manipulated, indoctrinated, coerced, intimidated, and humiliated into going against my instincts and intuition. To deny my heart and consciousness, rebel against my conscience...
To become... what?
What happens to a man when he has his dignity, his heart, his mind, soul, body, worth, self-respect, and purpose torn from his very being?
What lost places are revealed in madness and pain? What drives a man to hold on to himself in the midst of a storm of Fire and Ice? Abandoned by friends and family, betrayed by brothers and sisters, discarded by lovers, ridiculed by those you served and served with? Can you, yourself, confront the measure of your own worth, by the debt of your obligation and cast aside your most valuable treasures, turn your back on your dreams to face the consequences of your actions why staring down at the gun in your hands wondering when the turmoil in your heart will be over with? Hoping that you will find peace and beauty in life because you know that you will not find it in death?
Would you face the ghosts of the Dead that you had killed and the countless others in LEGION, waiting to see what you would do? I promised mine that I would do what I could to get people to remember the horrors of war. That I would fulfill my obligation to the Universal Balance before I faced them in the afterlife. I would make sure that the pain stops with me.
What if you were never given a choice? Would you avoid life because the pain got too much? Could you stand up for what you believe in, what you've deliberated and painstakingly thought about while idiots with too much time on their hands and not enough empathy, compassion, & intelligence throw stones and names at you? Could you stand by while those you trusted to act with authority, wisdom, and honor instead act out like selfish children bullies with no discipline?
I have given everything of myself. It has not been pleasant. It has not been enjoyable. I have gained nothing but misery and heartache. I have no home, no money, my dog is trapped on the other side of the world and he is my reason for living. His love and presence saved my life and for a long time he was the only good part about being conscious and present in the world. Those that I have relied up have shown themselves to be neutral at best, disappointments at the worst.
I am weary. I have done my duty.
I am a nobody who grew up poor and lonely, but loved, in a small Christian community in Missoula, MT. I was a dreamer who never fit in. One of the only kids in my church to go to public school and one of the few actively religious people at school. I had a sensitive heart and healthy imagination. I sought solace in books and stories. I taught myself through observation not how to be but how to NOT be. I had no mentor, just a wise old holy man who liked to reminisce about Love and Life. He gave me wisdom but I had to figure out the meaning myself. I didn't fulfill my potential in school or as an athlete because I didn't have anyone to impress or challenge me. I joined the Military to escape my fear of debt, pay for my education, and try to impress a pretty girl. I ended up with a Debt of Souls, a different and more painful education than I had hoped for, and a damaged sense of intimacy and trust. I hunted and killed human beings for a corrupt and idiotic State. Willingly. I pushed myself above and beyond everyday to be a great Airman and military man, to prove to those who pretended to serve that I was worthy of joining their club. I could outperform anyone on any test of physical and intellectual level and I was still barely good enough.
When I got out of the Drone world I had more Aerial Achievement medals and flight hours than anyone else in recorded history with 36 AAMs and 6000+ flight time hours. Let's make this clear: It isn't anything to be proud of. It is required that each AAM is worth 50 hours of flight time. You can only earn 2 hours in a 24 hour period and it has to be consecutive hours on the same plane tail number. Being on break crew? Good fucking luck. I should have had 40+ but my flight hours from the 15th RS and the 46th ERS were put into the database wrong. The flight hours are not how long you've actually been at work, but the number of hours that you've had control of the aircraft with a strong link. Not how long you were in the seat waiting for takeoff or land. Not if you were sitting there for an entire shift because you lost link with the aircraft. I could do my job while I was sleeping and I did it most of the time the last year I was in half asleep if there was nothing important happening. My head is filled with stupid fucking technobabble and old statistics because I had, at one point, wanted to teach people like the Brits taught me.
I physically trained myself at an Olympic level to be a high performing Special Operative. I studied psychology and history and warfare on the advice of a Seal Team 3 member that I had met. I went to University to study creative writing and teaching to be able to better communicate myself. I wanted to be a mentor to kids and Airmen, young military members, because I saw so much fucking stupidity in MY military that I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to represent the best person, American, and soldier that I could be, because I was taught and trained that is what I should be.
So don't fucking blame me for all your mistakes and ills. I did my job. I trusted people to be better. I passed my trial through the fire and flames.
I joined SERE because I still, STILL, wanted to serve my country as best as I could. The Drone program was a waste of me, and many others, and it left me feeling like I wasted my time with the job and former co-workers. My accident magnified that a thousand fold. It really is a shame that log didn't kill me. Or the MRSA. Because the faith that I had in my former friends and Operators and Country has been as misplaced as my faith in the pretender Christian god. My trust in my leadership as big a failure as my trust in Obama to bring about positive change.
I feel like I've been traveling the path of highest resistance.
Strangely enough, it is what I've learned from SERE that helped me survive the worst of these times. Their code is to Return with Honor, and as the Head of School told me before inviting me back, "it's not how far you've fallen, it's how high you bounce back and conquer." And, of course, I cannot forget the US Military Code of Conduct:
I. I am an American, fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense. II. I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist. III. If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy. IV. If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way. V. When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause VI. I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.
I can't do that any longer. My faith in my Country and People has been fully broken. I fulfilled my duty, contractual and self-obligatory. It is time they prove themselves to me and the rest of the world.
We need to grow up, America, and started being responsible adults. Otherwise we've lost. We've lost it to the corruption in our society, press, religions, politics, corporations... We've become diseased to the point that the best we can hope for is that we don't break the Earth in our deathroes. No one will save you but yourself. Rise up and don't let our Legacy be the end of life on our world.
I'll leave you with this. Take it for what you will.
The RED HAND Code of Conduct:
i. I am Humanity, rising up to prevent the devastation of our world. It is Life that I fight to protect at any personal cost.
Two months have passed since our trip to New York City premiere of DRONE. Two months since I have completely lost faith in my home, my family, my country... my People. Of agonizing heartache that simply won't go away. Of realizing that while I cannot walk away like I had originally wanted to do.
I'm tired. My bones are weary, my body aches. My dreams are filled with loneliness and hate. My mind burns and my soul glows. My heart is heavy and my stomach dreads. I know my fight isn't over yet.
My task was completed. My ghosts no longer look at me with expectation but with satisfaction. My ancestors love me and I represent the best of who I could be. I challenged the gods and they trembled, the world shook beneath my feet.
Humanity is simply apathetic.
Everyday I'm left alone with my thoughts. What is, what could be, what could've been. I was forced from my world of dreams to confront the Nightmare and all that comes to mind is the simple question: For what?
Yes, I got my soul back. Just in time to see humanity destroy itself and our planet.
I have made peace with the warring Light and Dark inside my mind, but the scars on my psyche remain to remind me that my destruction was nearly complete.
I confronted my Demons, fulfilled my Obligation to the Dead, faced my Ancestral Judgement, challenged the gods, and submitted to Fate.
I marked myself, my hands, as a reminder of who I am and who I want to be. They are the first things that interact with the world and I always see them.
I discarded the chains of Faith in favor of exploring the unknown.
I escaped the deepest and darkest pits of shame and humiliation. My body was left broken to die by those that I had once dedicated my life, heart and soul, to. I have learned to control my pain, my rage, and my sorrow, in spite of seeking help and receiving less than nothing. I gave and gave and give and have asked for nothing in return other than mutual respect and love. The only true things of value that we can share with one another.
I look at the world around me and cannot help but think that it is too late.
I reached my Enlightenment, the Path anyways, thinking that I was one of the Last. That I needed to catch up. But it turns out that I am Awake during the witching hour. That most everyone is still sleeping because that is the only true way to escape the terror of the world, the comfort of Dreams. I'm afraid that what I've learned isn't enough, that my truth, my Light, will be consumed by the void of human apathy.
The Light shows us that which we refuse to acknowledge in the Dark. Exposes our flaws, and vulnerabilities. Makes us an easier target by those who would rather remain unchanging.
Buddha says that one in ten thousand will seek enlightenment, and one in ten thousand of those will achieve it. What is that number today with our access to the sum of all human knowledge at the tips of our fingers? Why do we have people starving and homeless while food rots in storage and houses stay empty? How did technology go from providing better lives for people to the best method to kill your neighbor and wage war? Who cannot look at history and not be ashamed at what we have done to be where we are today? When did we forget the value of the time we have on this world?
I am, and always will be, a scholar first, an explorer of the mind, body, and soul. I had once wanted to be a "Holy Man of God," but realized that would require me to live blindly. In pursuit of my answers I was given my proverbial sword and taught that I had to kill for "God and Country." I was manipulated, indoctrinated, coerced, intimidated, and humiliated into going against my instincts and intuition. To deny my heart and consciousness, rebel against my conscience...
To become... what?
What happens to a man when he has his dignity, his heart, his mind, soul, body, worth, self-respect, and purpose torn from his very being?
What lost places are revealed in madness and pain? What drives a man to hold on to himself in the midst of a storm of Fire and Ice? Abandoned by friends and family, betrayed by brothers and sisters, discarded by lovers, ridiculed by those you served and served with? Can you, yourself, confront the measure of your own worth, by the debt of your obligation and cast aside your most valuable treasures, turn your back on your dreams to face the consequences of your actions why staring down at the gun in your hands wondering when the turmoil in your heart will be over with? Hoping that you will find peace and beauty in life because you know that you will not find it in death?
Would you face the ghosts of the Dead that you had killed and the countless others in LEGION, waiting to see what you would do? I promised mine that I would do what I could to get people to remember the horrors of war. That I would fulfill my obligation to the Universal Balance before I faced them in the afterlife. I would make sure that the pain stops with me.
What if you were never given a choice? Would you avoid life because the pain got too much? Could you stand up for what you believe in, what you've deliberated and painstakingly thought about while idiots with too much time on their hands and not enough empathy, compassion, & intelligence throw stones and names at you? Could you stand by while those you trusted to act with authority, wisdom, and honor instead act out like selfish children bullies with no discipline?
I have given everything of myself. It has not been pleasant. It has not been enjoyable. I have gained nothing but misery and heartache. I have no home, no money, my dog is trapped on the other side of the world and he is my reason for living. His love and presence saved my life and for a long time he was the only good part about being conscious and present in the world. Those that I have relied up have shown themselves to be neutral at best, disappointments at the worst.
I am weary. I have done my duty.
I am a nobody who grew up poor and lonely, but loved, in a small Christian community in Missoula, MT. I was a dreamer who never fit in. One of the only kids in my church to go to public school and one of the few actively religious people at school. I had a sensitive heart and healthy imagination. I sought solace in books and stories. I taught myself through observation not how to be but how to NOT be. I had no mentor, just a wise old holy man who liked to reminisce about Love and Life. He gave me wisdom but I had to figure out the meaning myself. I didn't fulfill my potential in school or as an athlete because I didn't have anyone to impress or challenge me. I joined the Military to escape my fear of debt, pay for my education, and try to impress a pretty girl. I ended up with a Debt of Souls, a different and more painful education than I had hoped for, and a damaged sense of intimacy and trust. I hunted and killed human beings for a corrupt and idiotic State. Willingly. I pushed myself above and beyond everyday to be a great Airman and military man, to prove to those who pretended to serve that I was worthy of joining their club. I could outperform anyone on any test of physical and intellectual level and I was still barely good enough.
When I got out of the Drone world I had more Aerial Achievement medals and flight hours than anyone else in recorded history with 36 AAMs and 6000+ flight time hours. Let's make this clear: It isn't anything to be proud of. It is required that each AAM is worth 50 hours of flight time. You can only earn 2 hours in a 24 hour period and it has to be consecutive hours on the same plane tail number. Being on break crew? Good fucking luck. I should have had 40+ but my flight hours from the 15th RS and the 46th ERS were put into the database wrong. The flight hours are not how long you've actually been at work, but the number of hours that you've had control of the aircraft with a strong link. Not how long you were in the seat waiting for takeoff or land. Not if you were sitting there for an entire shift because you lost link with the aircraft. I could do my job while I was sleeping and I did it most of the time the last year I was in half asleep if there was nothing important happening. My head is filled with stupid fucking technobabble and old statistics because I had, at one point, wanted to teach people like the Brits taught me.
I physically trained myself at an Olympic level to be a high performing Special Operative. I studied psychology and history and warfare on the advice of a Seal Team 3 member that I had met. I went to University to study creative writing and teaching to be able to better communicate myself. I wanted to be a mentor to kids and Airmen, young military members, because I saw so much fucking stupidity in MY military that I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to represent the best person, American, and soldier that I could be, because I was taught and trained that is what I should be.
So don't fucking blame me for all your mistakes and ills. I did my job. I trusted people to be better. I passed my trial through the fire and flames.
I joined SERE because I still, STILL, wanted to serve my country as best as I could. The Drone program was a waste of me, and many others, and it left me feeling like I wasted my time with the job and former co-workers. My accident magnified that a thousand fold. It really is a shame that log didn't kill me. Or the MRSA. Because the faith that I had in my former friends and Operators and Country has been as misplaced as my faith in the pretender Christian god. My trust in my leadership as big a failure as my trust in Obama to bring about positive change.
I feel like I've been traveling the path of highest resistance.
Strangely enough, it is what I've learned from SERE that helped me survive the worst of these times. Their code is to Return with Honor, and as the Head of School told me before inviting me back, "it's not how far you've fallen, it's how high you bounce back and conquer." And, of course, I cannot forget the US Military Code of Conduct:
I can't do that any longer. My faith in my Country and People has been fully broken. I fulfilled my duty, contractual and self-obligatory. It is time they prove themselves to me and the rest of the world.
We need to grow up, America, and started being responsible adults. Otherwise we've lost. We've lost it to the corruption in our society, press, religions, politics, corporations... We've become diseased to the point that the best we can hope for is that we don't break the Earth in our deathroes. No one will save you but yourself. Rise up and don't let our Legacy be the end of life on our world.
I'll leave you with this. Take it for what you will.
The RED HAND Code of Conduct:
i. I am Humanity, rising up to prevent the devastation of our world. It is Life that I fight to protect at any personal cost.
ii. I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I will seek the answers that I need through deliberation and wisdom.
iii. I will represent the best in myself with nobility and honor. I understand that with strength comes the power to serve, that with knowledge comes sorrow, and with wisdom comes peace.
iv. I will live my life in a manner that when death finally comes, I will have an adventure to share.
v. Though perilous and painful this life may be, it is worth it. I am a guardian of our planet and protector of her life. I am willing to dedicate my life to her defense.
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