All Is Fair (Poetic Interlude)

Strangely enough
I am happily married
to a woman who has caused me
no end to misery.
To be able to endure
the barbs of her tongue
grants me the freedom
to roam.
For if her bosom
was a welcoming embrace
then maybe
I'd call it a home.

The Trick,
I see,
is boyish glee
wielded with the competence
of a man
and if troubles do befall
a laugh is what we'll have.
For I have Love
sealed upon my heart
and if there is anything else
I've seen,
it's that we'll have
the chance
to do it once again
from the beginning
for eternity.

All Is Fair (Part 2)

"If you know yourself and your enemy, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War

***

My entire life changed once I entered the Military recruiting station in Missoula, Mt on the evening of the 12th of December, 2004. The Daily Mail, a British Tabloid, said that I had "accidentally" entered the military. By far the funniest thing I'd ever read about myself, and still a pretty sore point for some of the stupidest people on the planet. Because I've never done anything "accidentally."

I simply had no scope of the shit I was getting myself into. I had originally signed up to be a 1T0, SERE Instructor, but due to my aptitude scores I was shoved over into the intelligence school. Which was the worst mistake of my entire life (so far) because it led to the greatest things in my entire life. Probably how it should go anyways.

I was never meant to be a soldier. I just needed to be familiar with the training and lifestyle. Like all things that I do, I gave it my entire heart. Even after the people that I worked with shit all over my social life.  But then again, that ended up perfectly fine because none of those people are worth the salt in their blood in the first place. Since my accident, I've really had to think about WHY it was I even placed myself into the position that I did to join the military.

It was the first time I ever had thought I could love a person. She was two years younger than me, we met online through our Hotmail profiles. I thought it was a joke at first. I had friends that I had met through Diablo II and AOL, but she had sent me a flirty message about the picture that I had taken.  She didn't have one up, so I politely asked for one back so I could give her a respective compliment.

It wasn't the auburn hair or the color of her eyes, though now I don't even remember the color exactly, it was the fiery spirit that was emblazoned upon her face, as in "nothing could conquer me." That was the first time I think I truly fell in love. And I couldn't believe it.

We talked. So much that we went over our minutes and she had to pay a stupid large phone bill. I had free calling in the US (yeah, that was a new thing), she didn't. I lost contact with her in the beginning of December 2004, but I remember her telling me that she thought that men in uniforms were sexy, and apparently that was enough of a drive for me to talk to the Air Force recruiter that night on the 12th when I had taken one of my friends to see the Army recruiter. We know enough of that story at this point.

What we don't know is that I would have backed out had she not convinced me that we were going to join up together, and then when I had signed the papers I called her to find out that she had backed out at the last second. We were supposed to sign the papers "together." I didn't hear from her again until after Basic Training. I had decided to try to call her to see if her number was still connected. She answered the phone, and her voice melted away all doubts and fears.

***
I must only love.

Love is the mind-melter.

Love is the little-sun that brings total illumination.

I will face my love.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And where it has grown I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the love has grown there will be blossoming. Only light will remain. 

***

We reconnected for a few weeks before she disappeared completely.  Maybe it's not important what we talked about other than I was reminded of why I loved her in the first place. Sure, she lied to me and played games with my heart and head, but love surpasses all of that. Even though I no longer "love" her today, my entire life changed because of it. I wouldn't have done most of the things in my life without that prompt of life. That awakening of desire to find my other half. 

I've killed, been beaten, pushed myself beyond my limits many many times.  And it's all been for love. All of it.

And I couldn't have asked for a more glorious adventure. 

All Is Fair (Part 1)

"Love and war are all one . . . It is lawful to use sleights and stratagems to . . . attain the wished end."
-Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervante

***

I can think of no other stark polar opposites than Love and War, save perhaps Life and Death. But then again, they're one and the same.  I have spent a long time thinking about this subject.  Examining, ingesting, digesting, practicing, adjusting, applying...  It's an endless cycle, but one that needs to be maintained.

I think this grimness of thought has always been with me. Having been the only male in my family of my generation for the first 10 years of my life, with the only other male members of my family not having much involvement in my direct upbringing, I've always been of the mind of discovering my own place in the world.  From the very beginning I have been a Seeker. The world wasn't harsh, it just was. The environment that I was in flourished with love and struggle, with love always coming out on top.

I heard tales of my grandpa, Lanny Bryant, and his journey to his Legend.  About his life philosophy, mixing Christian mysticism and the sport of Wrestling, and his wonderful faith that had been cultivated in him by his own Father. I have never met a man more honorable in my entire life.  And today, I honor him in planting the acorn of the warrior in my heart, because it has grown into a mighty Oak. Even though we disagree in matters of religion, I know we march to the same beat in terms of heart and soul.

I once heard Joe Rogan say, "show me a great man who is the son of a great man," well, I just showed you the son. And where my grandpa gave me the heart to persevere, my Great-grandfather gave me the strength to love through his daily practice and devotions of it in his life. He was a Christian Mystic through and through.  His every breath was giving worship to his god and the life that he had been given.  If anyone could have been said to have achieved the Christ-consciousness in this era, he'd be in the running for sure. And the way that he looked at his wife, with complete adoration and love, made it easier to fight against immediate gratification of my carnal desires, and the then satisfaction of them more complete. 

The best compliment I could give of these men is that they truly walk with God.

In my own struggles I pull from the wisdom that these men have given me, and in fact have found it repeated in many other places throughout history, in different religions and philosophies.  But I believe the greatest part about it is that they work in practical application. Beyond their greatness, they have truly shown me what it means to be a "good man." Through that goodness, I have come to understand the virtues and fruits of the soul.

I can think of no better time to share what they have taught me and what I have learned. I have journeyed far and wide, both inside and out. I have repaired my heart and soul with my own work. And I have fought for the opportunity of my lifetime without any deceit. I can tell you this as somebody who has fought for both love and war. If you fight in war, you fight in deception, but if you fight in love, it can only be in truth.  That's the difference, and that is why in both, all is fair.