Upon a clear and starry night
One dares to shine so bright
Gaze of eyes over them swept
Gears of time continue to wind
Prison's fear and loathing kept
Over the walls of aplomb
The steady air enriching becalm
Heart and mind entwined
At desires insistence a dagger is pulled
Strings of the lute twang and thrum
Fixing in a silent conundrum
Music from a world beguiled
31 May 2017
Albedo, Purification of the Soul (part 3)
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
-Carl G. Jung
A few instances from Technical School come back to me every so often whenever I seek defining moments in my memories.
There was one time where I was loving the use of the word "redonkulous." There was one kid who simply attacked me verbally in class for everything that I did. He just didn't like me. And I gave no fucks about it. Then he used the word and I got to call him out about it in front of everyone. He seemed to believe that made us mortal enemies. He was also one of the dumbest fucks I'd ever met in the intelligence community. And it only got worse from there.
Another time I had overslept on my lunch break. My entire class had left me at the dorms so I had to sprint back to the school house in combat boots. I made it "on time" but the instructor had decided to start early without me. When I argued my case the instructor said, "it doesn't matter when I told you to be back, if I decide to start earlier than that then you are late!"
Shame and lies are a combustible match, and in order to hold in this nuclear explosion of justified anger I started crying. In front of my whole class. I wanted to and could have beat the shit out of him but I also knew not to fight angry and not to attack others. A true lesson in self control. I then cried in front of the Gunny Sergeant (we had marines with us) in charge and I'm pretty sure that they knew I wouldn't fuck that up again, or anything else.
Along with everything else, in January of 2006 my great-grandmother started showing severe dementia and my great-grandfather's health started to spiral down from a broken heart. His wife was gone and all he could do is take care of the shell of herself. He told my mother that he "didn't want to live anymore but was afraid to die." The man with the unflinching faith and endless love reached his end and stared into the abyss. My entire reality started crumbling apart. I saw my family start to lose direction without our Matriarch and Patriarch. Who could fill their shoes? All I could do was distract myself with video games and the Bible. That was when I started digging for true answers. And the more that I dug, the more confusing everything started to become.
When Tech School ended I had thought that i was going to be stationed at Beale AFB but instead got chosen to go to Nellis AFB for a TOP SECRET project. I would find out when I got there. In the meantime, I had to get a flight physical from a Major Wood who told me I had great lower back muscles and helped me check for hernia with great enthusiasm. He talked a lot like Mike Tyson.
While I was wrestling with my morals, I was still searching for Love's elusive grasp. I never wanted to make a hasty decision of the heart and as wounded as I was, it was difficult to be vulnerable with anyone. I had seen too many of my peers jump on the BAH bandwagon only to have their marriages fall apart due to stupidity. I might make some pretty severe mistakes in my life, but I think I'm wise enough to learn from others. And my great-grandfather told me that before deciding to marry somebody, to be with them for a year and to go through the seasons with them. Some of the best advice I ever got.
Our graduation celebration consisted of my classmates getting me wasted on Bacardi Coconut Rum while playing the card game Screw the Dealer. I ended up crying about the girl that got me into the military. Then, while I convulsed from alcohol poisoning on the bedroom floor, somebody held me and comforted me. Later, I was told how I had ruined the evening of celebration by being a little bitch. It would be a long time before I drank that hard again.
I had a few days before class started so I flew home. I don't really remember it, other than I spent two days manning the USAF Recruiter's Office. The fog of existential despair was settling in.
***
When I showed up to the Nellis AFB dormitory, mid April 2006, a black man in a flight suit showed up to tell me where to take a bus in the morning so I could show up at our introductory brief. He then turned and walked away without another word, leaving me to wonder what it was exactly I was going to be doing.
Early the next morning Michael Haas and I met up at the bus stop and made our way to the 11th Training Reconnaissance Squadron's theater room. On the way we see the largest crow in existence and we dub it the Creech Crow of Death. A probable consequence of the nuclear testing experiments in the early days of the base. As we made the joke about how they could carry off a person, in the background an MQ-1B Predator drone takes off.
The theater was full of officers and junior enlisted. We chose two seats somewhere on the left side facing the screen with a center aisle separating the room. Once the lights went off, the festivities began.
Metallica's "One" starts playing to some introductory propaganda. When that first entry rift ends, the bombs begin to drop. I wonder if the universe played this song for us on purpose. It's never left me. I also wonder if they knew what they were playing.
After the infrared light show ended, a Staff Sergeant marches down the center aisle and does an about face, goes into parade rest then proclaims, "your job is to kill people and break things!" The room is silent.
I look at Haas like, "the fuck?"
Somebody raised their hand on the opposite side of the room. "This isn't what I signed up to do." They echoed my concern. The Sergeant responded, "You'll do what the Air Force wants you to do."
And again my great-grandfather's words rattled around in my head... "The only thing a man has of worth..."
He continued, "but you'll have the chance to voice your grievances individually to the commander. We are the Air Force after all. We take care of one another."
Something told me this was not true but I was scared I was trapped.
When I got my turn, I straight told him that I wasn't sure that I could kill people.
His response," You swore an Oath to defend this country against ALL enemies foreign and domestic, and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. You signed the contract. You are property of the United States Government. You will do your job. Are you a coward, Airman First Class Bryant?"
That volatile mixture of emotions caught the false fire of pride. I puffed up my chest and stood at ridged attention, "Sir, no sir!"
"Then get the fuck out there and do your fucking job!"
The next time I saw him I had purposely failed twice in order to take the coward's way out. I wanted to get moved to another place, another job. My self doubt was hanging over my head. In the same line of questioning he asked if I was a "fuck-up?" And pride, again, overrode my reason.
***
The day after my initial conversation with LT. COL. Gear we had our first "class formation." As we fell into our places dread started growing in my gut. The commander was standing at parade rest next to one of the instructors who was standing at the position of attention. When everything became still and quiet, two names were called out.
One was a 2nd LT from the California Reserves and a young enlisted dude who I barely knew. Both had voiced their concerns to the commander the day prior. The commander looked me dead in the eye before he began and I started trembling in fear.
"Everyone of you signed a contract and swore an Oath to defend the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. These two decided to break their contracts and violate their Oaths. These men are not men, or even boys! They are pussies! They object to defending their country and fellow soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines because it doesn't 'feel right,' so have decided to be conscientious objectors. They are failures. They are weak."
He looked at each of us in turn. "Are you weak?"
the class in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Are you pussies?"
again, in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
desperately, "SIR, YES SIR!" *GULP*
I lost track of what was being said after that. The 2nd LT was looking ashamed but the enlisted kid didn't flinch. I felt a mixture of envy and admiration. I felt like a coward. I wasn't true to myself. I was afraid.
-Carl G. Jung
A few instances from Technical School come back to me every so often whenever I seek defining moments in my memories.
There was one time where I was loving the use of the word "redonkulous." There was one kid who simply attacked me verbally in class for everything that I did. He just didn't like me. And I gave no fucks about it. Then he used the word and I got to call him out about it in front of everyone. He seemed to believe that made us mortal enemies. He was also one of the dumbest fucks I'd ever met in the intelligence community. And it only got worse from there.
Another time I had overslept on my lunch break. My entire class had left me at the dorms so I had to sprint back to the school house in combat boots. I made it "on time" but the instructor had decided to start early without me. When I argued my case the instructor said, "it doesn't matter when I told you to be back, if I decide to start earlier than that then you are late!"
Shame and lies are a combustible match, and in order to hold in this nuclear explosion of justified anger I started crying. In front of my whole class. I wanted to and could have beat the shit out of him but I also knew not to fight angry and not to attack others. A true lesson in self control. I then cried in front of the Gunny Sergeant (we had marines with us) in charge and I'm pretty sure that they knew I wouldn't fuck that up again, or anything else.
Along with everything else, in January of 2006 my great-grandmother started showing severe dementia and my great-grandfather's health started to spiral down from a broken heart. His wife was gone and all he could do is take care of the shell of herself. He told my mother that he "didn't want to live anymore but was afraid to die." The man with the unflinching faith and endless love reached his end and stared into the abyss. My entire reality started crumbling apart. I saw my family start to lose direction without our Matriarch and Patriarch. Who could fill their shoes? All I could do was distract myself with video games and the Bible. That was when I started digging for true answers. And the more that I dug, the more confusing everything started to become.
When Tech School ended I had thought that i was going to be stationed at Beale AFB but instead got chosen to go to Nellis AFB for a TOP SECRET project. I would find out when I got there. In the meantime, I had to get a flight physical from a Major Wood who told me I had great lower back muscles and helped me check for hernia with great enthusiasm. He talked a lot like Mike Tyson.
While I was wrestling with my morals, I was still searching for Love's elusive grasp. I never wanted to make a hasty decision of the heart and as wounded as I was, it was difficult to be vulnerable with anyone. I had seen too many of my peers jump on the BAH bandwagon only to have their marriages fall apart due to stupidity. I might make some pretty severe mistakes in my life, but I think I'm wise enough to learn from others. And my great-grandfather told me that before deciding to marry somebody, to be with them for a year and to go through the seasons with them. Some of the best advice I ever got.
Our graduation celebration consisted of my classmates getting me wasted on Bacardi Coconut Rum while playing the card game Screw the Dealer. I ended up crying about the girl that got me into the military. Then, while I convulsed from alcohol poisoning on the bedroom floor, somebody held me and comforted me. Later, I was told how I had ruined the evening of celebration by being a little bitch. It would be a long time before I drank that hard again.
I had a few days before class started so I flew home. I don't really remember it, other than I spent two days manning the USAF Recruiter's Office. The fog of existential despair was settling in.
***
When I showed up to the Nellis AFB dormitory, mid April 2006, a black man in a flight suit showed up to tell me where to take a bus in the morning so I could show up at our introductory brief. He then turned and walked away without another word, leaving me to wonder what it was exactly I was going to be doing.
Early the next morning Michael Haas and I met up at the bus stop and made our way to the 11th Training Reconnaissance Squadron's theater room. On the way we see the largest crow in existence and we dub it the Creech Crow of Death. A probable consequence of the nuclear testing experiments in the early days of the base. As we made the joke about how they could carry off a person, in the background an MQ-1B Predator drone takes off.
The theater was full of officers and junior enlisted. We chose two seats somewhere on the left side facing the screen with a center aisle separating the room. Once the lights went off, the festivities began.
Metallica's "One" starts playing to some introductory propaganda. When that first entry rift ends, the bombs begin to drop. I wonder if the universe played this song for us on purpose. It's never left me. I also wonder if they knew what they were playing.
After the infrared light show ended, a Staff Sergeant marches down the center aisle and does an about face, goes into parade rest then proclaims, "your job is to kill people and break things!" The room is silent.
I look at Haas like, "the fuck?"
Somebody raised their hand on the opposite side of the room. "This isn't what I signed up to do." They echoed my concern. The Sergeant responded, "You'll do what the Air Force wants you to do."
And again my great-grandfather's words rattled around in my head... "The only thing a man has of worth..."
He continued, "but you'll have the chance to voice your grievances individually to the commander. We are the Air Force after all. We take care of one another."
Something told me this was not true but I was scared I was trapped.
When I got my turn, I straight told him that I wasn't sure that I could kill people.
His response," You swore an Oath to defend this country against ALL enemies foreign and domestic, and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. You signed the contract. You are property of the United States Government. You will do your job. Are you a coward, Airman First Class Bryant?"
That volatile mixture of emotions caught the false fire of pride. I puffed up my chest and stood at ridged attention, "Sir, no sir!"
"Then get the fuck out there and do your fucking job!"
The next time I saw him I had purposely failed twice in order to take the coward's way out. I wanted to get moved to another place, another job. My self doubt was hanging over my head. In the same line of questioning he asked if I was a "fuck-up?" And pride, again, overrode my reason.
***
The day after my initial conversation with LT. COL. Gear we had our first "class formation." As we fell into our places dread started growing in my gut. The commander was standing at parade rest next to one of the instructors who was standing at the position of attention. When everything became still and quiet, two names were called out.
One was a 2nd LT from the California Reserves and a young enlisted dude who I barely knew. Both had voiced their concerns to the commander the day prior. The commander looked me dead in the eye before he began and I started trembling in fear.
"Everyone of you signed a contract and swore an Oath to defend the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. These two decided to break their contracts and violate their Oaths. These men are not men, or even boys! They are pussies! They object to defending their country and fellow soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines because it doesn't 'feel right,' so have decided to be conscientious objectors. They are failures. They are weak."
He looked at each of us in turn. "Are you weak?"
the class in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Are you pussies?"
again, in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
desperately, "SIR, YES SIR!" *GULP*
I lost track of what was being said after that. The 2nd LT was looking ashamed but the enlisted kid didn't flinch. I felt a mixture of envy and admiration. I felt like a coward. I wasn't true to myself. I was afraid.
Realization
Neither love can
express my highest
moments nor
hate bring my darkest
thoughts to fruition
My thirst for VENGEANCE
cannot be sated
for the world owes me
Nothing
I will search forever
for my heart
because she does not
exist.
express my highest
moments nor
hate bring my darkest
thoughts to fruition
My thirst for VENGEANCE
cannot be sated
for the world owes me
Nothing
I will search forever
for my heart
because she does not
exist.
30 May 2017
Albedo, Purification of the Soul (part 2)
The Lie I Never Told
and
Innocence Ripped Away
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
-Kurt Vonnegut
Every Friday in Technical School we would have a weekend safety briefing. Them having to tell us, remind us actually, to behave probably grew tiresome at some point. Then we had somebody light a couch on fire and throw it off of a third story balcony.
The Leadership also had everyone under 21 raise their hands to be seen. I was a good Christian boy at the time, under age, so I never cared nor paid attention to who did. My recruiter had told me to keep my head down and don't grab attention. I had almost too much attention as it was athletically and religiously, with permanent party enlisted asking me to "step up." I became a white rope.
I started noticing at one point that most others were not really paying attention, and with my 20th birthday right around the corner, I wasn't going to be drinking anyways. No one realized I stopped raising my hand. Then came Christmas holiday. My first time home on leave.
As something of a joke among my class, I was known as the "40 year old virgin," because I was "saving myself" for marriage. I occupied my time with severe nerd activities. I wanted True Love. Why waste my time with anything less?
While I was headed out to the airport bus to go on holiday, one of my buddies staying in the dorms for the holidays jokingly called out "you better get laid!" We both laughed because we knew it wouldn't happen.
That was the last time I had actually felt peaceful in my life. The last time I spent with my great-grandfather. I watched him express love for his wife and listened to him speak bout his love of her, God, and creation. I felt the yearning for my own Love, but I was content to wait. I was at peace.
The last day of my holiday leave, I was invited to a house party that was supposed to have people from my High School. I didn't have the hang of social media (yet), so it would be a good time to reconnect. I was the first person to show up.
The kitchen was full of soda and alcohol. I took some spiked punch, because I wanted to at least try it (I wasn't going to get drunk) and my social anxiety towards the girl that had invited me was out of control. She kept flirting with me in front of the only other person there, her friend who owned the house. She was drinking pretty heavily. No one else showed up and after a few drinks, they kept filling up my cup and I kept drinking, I was way too gone to drive. Her friend eventually told me that the girl wanted to lose her virginity with me. I started to protest but those drinks were stronger than I had realized. They led me to a cot in the garage and I proceeded to go in and out of consciousness. While being taken advantage of. When I came to she was passed out next to me and I was covered in sex, sweat, and blood. I left a bloody mess feeling extremely violated and I blamed myself for putting myself into that position. I radiated shame as I drove home and my mother took me to the airport back to that other world.
Everything was different.
***
Of course when I get back I tell my "friends." Before my emotions could break free and my confusion of the whole event made evident, they congratulated me and cheered. And I think, is it wrong of me to feel badly? No one there could answer that grinding question so I buried it deep.
Then they noticed I wasn't raising my hand at the Friday safety briefing. Almost all of them were under age, a few times I was asked to buy alcohol. I even had a few of the girls express interest in me if I ever wanted to learn a "trick or few." On the outside it was all fun and jokes. On the inside the shame was eating away at everything I thought that I was.
How could I be a righteous believer?
Why would God allow this to happen?
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Then one of my peers found my issued ID card. In fear of being caught in an unintentional lie, I made the excuse that my ID was wrong and that I never bothered to fix it because I never thought I would drink alcohol. So I lied and it mixed well with the poison of shame. The alchemical reaction continued with the crumbling of my self.
No one questioned me and I thought I was safe.
In my mind the words echoed, "the only thing a man has of any worth..."
and
Innocence Ripped Away
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
-Kurt Vonnegut
Every Friday in Technical School we would have a weekend safety briefing. Them having to tell us, remind us actually, to behave probably grew tiresome at some point. Then we had somebody light a couch on fire and throw it off of a third story balcony.
The Leadership also had everyone under 21 raise their hands to be seen. I was a good Christian boy at the time, under age, so I never cared nor paid attention to who did. My recruiter had told me to keep my head down and don't grab attention. I had almost too much attention as it was athletically and religiously, with permanent party enlisted asking me to "step up." I became a white rope.
I started noticing at one point that most others were not really paying attention, and with my 20th birthday right around the corner, I wasn't going to be drinking anyways. No one realized I stopped raising my hand. Then came Christmas holiday. My first time home on leave.
As something of a joke among my class, I was known as the "40 year old virgin," because I was "saving myself" for marriage. I occupied my time with severe nerd activities. I wanted True Love. Why waste my time with anything less?
While I was headed out to the airport bus to go on holiday, one of my buddies staying in the dorms for the holidays jokingly called out "you better get laid!" We both laughed because we knew it wouldn't happen.
That was the last time I had actually felt peaceful in my life. The last time I spent with my great-grandfather. I watched him express love for his wife and listened to him speak bout his love of her, God, and creation. I felt the yearning for my own Love, but I was content to wait. I was at peace.
The last day of my holiday leave, I was invited to a house party that was supposed to have people from my High School. I didn't have the hang of social media (yet), so it would be a good time to reconnect. I was the first person to show up.
The kitchen was full of soda and alcohol. I took some spiked punch, because I wanted to at least try it (I wasn't going to get drunk) and my social anxiety towards the girl that had invited me was out of control. She kept flirting with me in front of the only other person there, her friend who owned the house. She was drinking pretty heavily. No one else showed up and after a few drinks, they kept filling up my cup and I kept drinking, I was way too gone to drive. Her friend eventually told me that the girl wanted to lose her virginity with me. I started to protest but those drinks were stronger than I had realized. They led me to a cot in the garage and I proceeded to go in and out of consciousness. While being taken advantage of. When I came to she was passed out next to me and I was covered in sex, sweat, and blood. I left a bloody mess feeling extremely violated and I blamed myself for putting myself into that position. I radiated shame as I drove home and my mother took me to the airport back to that other world.
Everything was different.
***
Of course when I get back I tell my "friends." Before my emotions could break free and my confusion of the whole event made evident, they congratulated me and cheered. And I think, is it wrong of me to feel badly? No one there could answer that grinding question so I buried it deep.
Then they noticed I wasn't raising my hand at the Friday safety briefing. Almost all of them were under age, a few times I was asked to buy alcohol. I even had a few of the girls express interest in me if I ever wanted to learn a "trick or few." On the outside it was all fun and jokes. On the inside the shame was eating away at everything I thought that I was.
How could I be a righteous believer?
Why would God allow this to happen?
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Then one of my peers found my issued ID card. In fear of being caught in an unintentional lie, I made the excuse that my ID was wrong and that I never bothered to fix it because I never thought I would drink alcohol. So I lied and it mixed well with the poison of shame. The alchemical reaction continued with the crumbling of my self.
No one questioned me and I thought I was safe.
In my mind the words echoed, "the only thing a man has of any worth..."
Albedo, Purification of the Soul (part 1)
"The True Mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost. The True Heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed. Since beginning-less time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying Light."
-The Lion Turtle, Avatar the Last Airbender
I'm not sure when exactly I began to question everything that i thought was true. I was once desperately blind, trying to walk by faith, trusting that something that I could neither see nor feel was guiding my path. The only thing I had to do was move my feet and meet all challenges. Probably one of the advantages of growing up as a faithful athlete.
With that mindset I joined the military. And really, that was the first leap of faith that I truly ever took. I wasn't blinded by patriotism. I was befuddled by Love. It consumed me. The intensity of it made me believe that it was true. Up until then, I had never experienced anything "supernatural" and I had believed in the connection that was developing so much, I would have said it was Fate.
Both of us had been planning on joining together, her into medical, me into SERE.
The day I signed my contract I found out that she had walked out on a "bad feeling." There I was, on my own, with my great-grandfather's advice echoing in my mind: "the only thing that a man has of any worth in this world is his word. If you cannot fulfill your word then you have no worth." A few days later I'm being put into the intelligence career field because I scored a 92 on the aptitude test. I didn't have a guaranteed job contract, and that is where "my country needed me." Blindly, I entered basic military training with a broken heart into an unknown world.
***
If it wasn't for that heart pain, I'm unsure if I would have made it through. I wasn't a die-hard patriot and I was definitely not acclimated to the summer Texas heat. I'm going to give all my success to my upbringing and the sport of wrestling.
Emotional pain was met with physical pain. My focus on finishing my goal and my faith drove me forward. I had earned the call-sign "Church" and was able to help others through their difficulties. I never had the ability to command, but I had always had the ability to lead. In basic military training I learned to follow. More importantly I learned to persevere on my own.
In Technical School I learned the power of avoiding pain through video games, and my heartache lowered my threshold of social tolerance. For a brief moment she came back into my life and everything resumed as "normal." But I knew it was different and grief of the distance took the place of love.
That's when I realized what I was really looking for: True Love. That was when the purification process began and it would be a long and painful process.
-The Lion Turtle, Avatar the Last Airbender
I'm not sure when exactly I began to question everything that i thought was true. I was once desperately blind, trying to walk by faith, trusting that something that I could neither see nor feel was guiding my path. The only thing I had to do was move my feet and meet all challenges. Probably one of the advantages of growing up as a faithful athlete.
With that mindset I joined the military. And really, that was the first leap of faith that I truly ever took. I wasn't blinded by patriotism. I was befuddled by Love. It consumed me. The intensity of it made me believe that it was true. Up until then, I had never experienced anything "supernatural" and I had believed in the connection that was developing so much, I would have said it was Fate.
Both of us had been planning on joining together, her into medical, me into SERE.
The day I signed my contract I found out that she had walked out on a "bad feeling." There I was, on my own, with my great-grandfather's advice echoing in my mind: "the only thing that a man has of any worth in this world is his word. If you cannot fulfill your word then you have no worth." A few days later I'm being put into the intelligence career field because I scored a 92 on the aptitude test. I didn't have a guaranteed job contract, and that is where "my country needed me." Blindly, I entered basic military training with a broken heart into an unknown world.
***
If it wasn't for that heart pain, I'm unsure if I would have made it through. I wasn't a die-hard patriot and I was definitely not acclimated to the summer Texas heat. I'm going to give all my success to my upbringing and the sport of wrestling.
Emotional pain was met with physical pain. My focus on finishing my goal and my faith drove me forward. I had earned the call-sign "Church" and was able to help others through their difficulties. I never had the ability to command, but I had always had the ability to lead. In basic military training I learned to follow. More importantly I learned to persevere on my own.
In Technical School I learned the power of avoiding pain through video games, and my heartache lowered my threshold of social tolerance. For a brief moment she came back into my life and everything resumed as "normal." But I knew it was different and grief of the distance took the place of love.
That's when I realized what I was really looking for: True Love. That was when the purification process began and it would be a long and painful process.
Shade
My Dark Lady Of Shadows
the comforting of your shade
gave respite in a desolate place
your healing waters
an oasis for my soul
your touch the spark of life
for a dead man
your scent a healing draught
for a mad man
I found respite in a desolate place
in the shade you gave my heart
My Dark Lady Of Shadows
in your darkness
lay the Great Mysteries
of Life and Love.
To reach them
I must travel through
your nightmares
to deliver you my Hell.
My only solace
are dreams of heaven
which fuel my strength
to rebel.
In my mind you are still
that Dark Lady
the lovely madness of
a moonless night
that eternally drives
a man crazy.
the comforting of your shade
gave respite in a desolate place
your healing waters
an oasis for my soul
your touch the spark of life
for a dead man
your scent a healing draught
for a mad man
I found respite in a desolate place
in the shade you gave my heart
My Dark Lady Of Shadows
in your darkness
lay the Great Mysteries
of Life and Love.
To reach them
I must travel through
your nightmares
to deliver you my Hell.
My only solace
are dreams of heaven
which fuel my strength
to rebel.
In my mind you are still
that Dark Lady
the lovely madness of
a moonless night
that eternally drives
a man crazy.
26 May 2017
Heroes
among the gods
at pantheon
your deeds echoing
in my soul,
reveal your history.
nobody declared pain
and yet the ravages of time
echo with your sacrifice.
nobody confessed agony
but somebody stood against
the evils of men, of devils,
against the gods themselves.
tell me your hopes
invest in me your dreams
and I will proclaim
they were the heroes of old
great men of renown
among the gods
at pantheon
some of these honored dead
were mortals
some of these mortals
were leaders
some of these leaders
were kings and queens
all of them took up
sword and shield
show me your dreams
heroes, champions
empower me with your strength
I fly...
I dance...
I sing...
I kill...
I AM.
at pantheon
your deeds echoing
in my soul,
reveal your history.
nobody declared pain
and yet the ravages of time
echo with your sacrifice.
nobody confessed agony
but somebody stood against
the evils of men, of devils,
against the gods themselves.
tell me your hopes
invest in me your dreams
and I will proclaim
they were the heroes of old
great men of renown
among the gods
at pantheon
some of these honored dead
were mortals
some of these mortals
were leaders
some of these leaders
were kings and queens
all of them took up
sword and shield
show me your dreams
heroes, champions
empower me with your strength
I fly...
I dance...
I sing...
I kill...
I AM.
A Dream For You
Lord of the Dead
My Queen of the Damned
The Dark of Life
The Dark of Life
The Chaos of Light
Mental Spiritual Divine
We seek what we cannot find
Connection thought direction
The Marked King
The Blessedly Cursed King
Holy Soul Reflection
The Masculine Light
The Feminine Dark
Seeks The Feminine Light
Seeks the Masculine Dark
Unity Equality Balance
Seeks the Masculine Dark
Unity Equality Balance
Lone Wanderer at Dusk
Hunter for the Just
Light of the Life held in his hands
Healer of the Corrupt
Guardian Wisdom Depth
Guardian Wisdom Depth
Every moment breathing my last
Black as a moonless night
Cold Fire that Burns
Cold Fire that Burns
Light that does not shine
Stalwart Emergence Hidden
Shadows encircle the Soul
Existing for the Light
Dance with the Unwilling
Knife in the Pattern
Disruption Deception Justice
Point to the Moment
That Does Not Exist
The Mad Peasant
The Tragically Lucky Peasant
Harmony Humility Strength
Alone in the Crowd
Alone in the Crowd
Stranger among Friends
Bound to the Wyrd
Awaken the Human Spirit
Solitude Peace Free
Just Tired
My first assignment for one of my poetry writing classes was to find a poem from an author we liked and read it aloud in class. I chose a poem by my Grandfather because I had always looked up to him for his dedication to God, family, and his unflinching kindness & Love. Most of his writing included his wife, and how much he loved her. This poem was written on their 70th Anniversary when Grandmother asked him if he ever got tired of her.
JUST TIRED
When you asked me yesterday, my love, if I had tired of thee,
I searched by wavering heart to see if such a thing could be.
I thought of precious hours, dear, when love was young and free,
Of glowing hearts, and youthful dreams, what gleeful revelry.
The years have gone, but not one day was lost except in love and
Can you imagine, precious one, that such as I could tire, of one
Whose every breath is drawn alone for my desire.
Whose hands and feet and heart and mind work only for my care,
And in the midst of every woe my heavy burdens share.
Do you suppose the earth could tire of God's bright shining sun,
Which gives it light and life and night from which its' glories' spun?
Can lovers tire of moon beam rays that cast their gentle glow,
Reflecting loves adoring gleam from eyes true lovers know?
Can laughter tire of a peaceful heart that buckles it to glee?
Then could a song be tired, my love, of precious harmony?
If earth and lovers, kings and song could tire if such could be
My precious love, my life, my queen, then I am tired of thee.
By
W. C. Bryant
For the second part of the assignment we were supposed to re-write the poem with a different constraint or voice. Since the poem is so personalized I tried to de-personalize it by writing it 3rd person. The flow and the meaning changes so drastically that it loses meaning. So I took the idea of REFLECTION to write it as what I envisioned my Grandmother paralleling my Grandfather. Hopefully I got her voice correctly in this. Enjoy
Tired
I asked you yesterday, my love, if you had tired of me,
I watched your face as you searched your heart if such a thing could be,
You smiled, you laughed the kind of laugh of love so young and free.
It made my heart glow, it touched my dreams with gleeful revelry.
The years are not gone but preserved in love
How could I imagine, beloved one, that such as you could tire, of one
Whose every breath is drawn for your desire,
Whose hands and feet and heart and mind work only for your care.
And in the midst of all our woes our heavy burdens share.
You give me light and life and hope and faith from whence our marriage spun
Like the earth each fateful morn with the rising of the sun.
Your eyes reflect love's adoring gleam from which my true heart knows,
Like moon beam rays which reflect lovers in their gentle glow.
I could never tire of your laughter that buckles my heart with glee,
Together we sing a song, my love, of precious harmony.
I asked that question, love, with fear of what you thought of me,
Your face, your laugh, and eyes reflect that could never be.
The Dance
Death awaits the ego
with words laced with honey
Luring it to her eternal rest.
Her tresses a raven's wing
carrier of souls.
Abyssal eyes
reveal the depths of one's heart.
With her sword divine
she opens the way
The demons die.
The gods die.
She is the eternal rose
Whose perfume drives away the sickness
So I dance with her darkness
O' I dance with Kali
I dance with death 'cause I must!
Life awaits the man
who seeks with his whole self
offering strength and wisdom.
Her mane the starry skies.
huntress of dreams.
Earthy eyes
glowing with unbound joy.
She nurtures the wounded
awakens the true heart
Dreams fulfilled
with painful meditations
She is the Full Moon
Who lightens the path
I dance in the darkness
O' I dance with Shakti
I dance with life 'cause I must!
24 May 2017
Reflection
HER:
I stand before a mirrored wall
They are all there
The ones who mocked
Those who scorned
Ripped me apart
And left nothing sacred
The ones who destroyed the little girl
That will never grow up
There is no loss I mourn more
I scream with hatred
At their demeaning faces
Filled with shame
And humiliation for existing
I hate them all
As my vision blurs
Through tearless eyes
Shapes reform
And colors blend
The picture changed
And stayed the same
As I stare at my reflection
They are all there
The ones who mocked
Those who scorned
Ripped me apart
And left nothing sacred
The ones who destroyed the little girl
That will never grow up
There is no loss I mourn more
I scream with hatred
At their demeaning faces
Filled with shame
And humiliation for existing
I hate them all
As my vision blurs
Through tearless eyes
Shapes reform
And colors blend
The picture changed
And stayed the same
As I stare at my reflection
***
ME:
I stand behind the mirrored wall
Watching, waiting, mourning
The destruction of a little soul
By those who didn't understand
I see the pain swell
The anger unrelenting
Answers uncomming
I watch her scream in hate uncompromising
Building her walls
Isolation is her salvation
Through tear-filled eyes
I watch and can do nothing
She won't let me in
And I won't come unless welcomed
So I stand
And wait
As she stares at her reflection
ME:
I stand behind the mirrored wall
Watching, waiting, mourning
The destruction of a little soul
By those who didn't understand
I see the pain swell
The anger unrelenting
Answers uncomming
I watch her scream in hate uncompromising
Building her walls
Isolation is her salvation
Through tear-filled eyes
I watch and can do nothing
She won't let me in
And I won't come unless welcomed
So I stand
And wait
As she stares at her reflection
Choose
What has been done
Has been done before
And will be done again
The world wont change
It never will
The only thing I can do
Is change myself
I'm going to be a good man
When few exist
I'm going to stand for what I believe
And not be grouped with the masses
I'm going to fight
For those that can't fight for themselves
I'm going to be strong
For those that are weak
Because that is the kind of person
The world hates
And I see few stepping up
To the plate
Since I can't change the world
I'm going to change what I can
Make my life and those I care about
better for it
Pain is but temporary
Joy is but the same
Memories last and remain
Will you forget about me
About what I have done
Remember not just the good
Also think of the bad
I am no different
Than anyone else
It's what I choose to do
With what I have been given
That makes me who I am
So remember me
When I was down
Someone picked me up
Just like I am doing for you
Has been done before
And will be done again
The world wont change
It never will
The only thing I can do
Is change myself
I'm going to be a good man
When few exist
I'm going to stand for what I believe
And not be grouped with the masses
I'm going to fight
For those that can't fight for themselves
I'm going to be strong
For those that are weak
Because that is the kind of person
The world hates
And I see few stepping up
To the plate
Since I can't change the world
I'm going to change what I can
Make my life and those I care about
better for it
Pain is but temporary
Joy is but the same
Memories last and remain
Will you forget about me
About what I have done
Remember not just the good
Also think of the bad
I am no different
Than anyone else
It's what I choose to do
With what I have been given
That makes me who I am
So remember me
When I was down
Someone picked me up
Just like I am doing for you
Hallway of Thought
What will my eyes see
In the red echoes
Of a fading future
Where dreams
Once sought
The light of stars
And all that’s left
Is a spark of hope?
What would she say
My lost queen
Who haunts
My every nightmare
And never answered
The call for help
To save
A drowning soul?
What will they do
When the world
Finds out
That I hate it
Am strong enough
To fight it
And show
That fear
Means nothing?
Not even death
Can stop
What Fate has destined
That blood conquers all
Heals a broken heart
Even after
It festers
And hate
Oozes out
Of wounds infected
I know you see
But do you care?
The answer
I know
Even before I ask
You care about
Nothing except
Your own
Wants never
Someone's need
May truth
Be revealed
To you
At the clearing
That ends
On the path
We call life.
In the red echoes
Of a fading future
Where dreams
Once sought
The light of stars
And all that’s left
Is a spark of hope?
What would she say
My lost queen
Who haunts
My every nightmare
And never answered
The call for help
To save
A drowning soul?
What will they do
When the world
Finds out
That I hate it
Am strong enough
To fight it
And show
That fear
Means nothing?
Not even death
Can stop
What Fate has destined
That blood conquers all
Heals a broken heart
Even after
It festers
And hate
Oozes out
Of wounds infected
I know you see
But do you care?
The answer
I know
Even before I ask
You care about
Nothing except
Your own
Wants never
Someone's need
May truth
Be revealed
To you
At the clearing
That ends
On the path
We call life.
The Mystery
In Creation's great endeavor
Nothing is more confusing
Than the past and the future
We mortals cannot comprehend
The tasks set before us
Nor do we understand
The toil we have done
Living in the now
Is all we can do
Yet people remorse about things long gone
Dream the impossible for those yet to come
Disregarding today
They leave themselves miserable
Memories once enjoyed
Are intangible never filling
Hopes give something to reach for
But nothing to grasp on to
Just turn your vision from what’s behind
Open your eyes to what’s around
Look what the Universe has given you!
You have a life to live
What more can you ask of that
Which gave you existence foremost
And created your for glory
Lifted
In my mind I never thought you'd look like this
The space of time we spent together never hinted
Now your soul slips away into the abyss
And I am left in the wake of hope wasted
Knowingly, I kissed you goodbye
Releasing you into the setting sun
But memories emblazoned mournfully sigh
Day in, day out until time is done
How? Why? What if? Then nothing
I resolve this is what was meant to be
To save you from a more bitter ending
But all speculations run dry and empty
I can't let go and just walk away
You were supposed to be there
Involved in my every single day
Now disappointment overwhelms without care
My only peace comes from knowing
Your pain and tears will have been wiped clean
And I will live my life showing
How your love lifted me
The space of time we spent together never hinted
Now your soul slips away into the abyss
And I am left in the wake of hope wasted
Knowingly, I kissed you goodbye
Releasing you into the setting sun
But memories emblazoned mournfully sigh
Day in, day out until time is done
How? Why? What if? Then nothing
I resolve this is what was meant to be
To save you from a more bitter ending
But all speculations run dry and empty
I can't let go and just walk away
You were supposed to be there
Involved in my every single day
Now disappointment overwhelms without care
My only peace comes from knowing
Your pain and tears will have been wiped clean
And I will live my life showing
How your love lifted me
Opus
Unkempt and ever flowing
a heart knows no bounds
through stars it soars
stopping others in their tracks.
Courage and hope
enliven the soul
singing to the Glory of Creation
no note is in discord.
Love is everlasting
footprints clearly shown
through the ash-covered ground
a haven for the lost.
The Light is always there
will always be
our lives an iota
individually we are a masterpiece.
a heart knows no bounds
through stars it soars
stopping others in their tracks.
Courage and hope
enliven the soul
singing to the Glory of Creation
no note is in discord.
Love is everlasting
footprints clearly shown
through the ash-covered ground
a haven for the lost.
The Light is always there
will always be
our lives an iota
individually we are a masterpiece.
A King's Justice
A heart is a fragile thing
Filled with pride and love
Crushed by anger and fear
Tentatively these push
On walls as thin as paper
Then a person comes along
And says a kind word or two
The anger is repulsed back
Fear is overwhelmed
If only for a moment
Then stepping out
Of the fortress built
A piece of that heart is given
And all that is expected
Is a little piece of their own
But betrayal is nigh!
Dagger plunged deep
Into vulnerable innocence
Wounding heart and soul
The enemy has come
Many times this passed
A kingdom broken, shattered
Pillagers take what they want
Leaving nothing of use
Broken heart unhealed
Then she comes along
To give the king his crown
A hand who heals
Showing kindness
To he who had none
But the enemy deceives
And he pushed her away
Fearing her more
Than any of the others
Not wanting another wound
She fights for him
Where he gave up
Points him in the direction
To heal a broken kingdom
A road he never knew
Down the path he trod
Each step more painful
With each given memory
But also each step
Is stronger, more sure
The path of broken hearts
He notices he walks alone
Frantically he searches
The enemy attacks
Fear downtroddens the king
Nearly overwhelmed
He prays to God for strength
Memories come unbidden
Of she that was there
Standing next to a broken throne
Her memory gives him joy
Laughter lightens his soul
Fear is away
Holds no power
Next to her smile
The king returns home
He see's his beloved
But she doesn't want
To be his anymore
Her tears come unbidden
She tells of the wounds
Taken in his stead
How her heart broke
And how she thought
Their love was dead
He tells her what has changed
As much as he can
Confusion has taken his words
Emotions are jumbled
As he watches her walk away
The king wants to tell her
How justice was meted out
And change was in motion
Never will he be overwhelmed
Because she will be at his side
Hurting her was never his intent
For that puts him on the level
Of those that wounded him
He wants to comfort her
But knows not where to begin
She turns and gives a smile
Full of sadness and pain
The king's heart breaks
He knows not what to do
As he watches her walk away...
Filled with pride and love
Crushed by anger and fear
Tentatively these push
On walls as thin as paper
Then a person comes along
And says a kind word or two
The anger is repulsed back
Fear is overwhelmed
If only for a moment
Then stepping out
Of the fortress built
A piece of that heart is given
And all that is expected
Is a little piece of their own
But betrayal is nigh!
Dagger plunged deep
Into vulnerable innocence
Wounding heart and soul
The enemy has come
Many times this passed
A kingdom broken, shattered
Pillagers take what they want
Leaving nothing of use
Broken heart unhealed
Then she comes along
To give the king his crown
A hand who heals
Showing kindness
To he who had none
But the enemy deceives
And he pushed her away
Fearing her more
Than any of the others
Not wanting another wound
She fights for him
Where he gave up
Points him in the direction
To heal a broken kingdom
A road he never knew
Down the path he trod
Each step more painful
With each given memory
But also each step
Is stronger, more sure
The path of broken hearts
He notices he walks alone
Frantically he searches
The enemy attacks
Fear downtroddens the king
Nearly overwhelmed
He prays to God for strength
Memories come unbidden
Of she that was there
Standing next to a broken throne
Her memory gives him joy
Laughter lightens his soul
Fear is away
Holds no power
Next to her smile
The king returns home
He see's his beloved
But she doesn't want
To be his anymore
Her tears come unbidden
She tells of the wounds
Taken in his stead
How her heart broke
And how she thought
Their love was dead
He tells her what has changed
As much as he can
Confusion has taken his words
Emotions are jumbled
As he watches her walk away
The king wants to tell her
How justice was meted out
And change was in motion
Never will he be overwhelmed
Because she will be at his side
Hurting her was never his intent
For that puts him on the level
Of those that wounded him
He wants to comfort her
But knows not where to begin
She turns and gives a smile
Full of sadness and pain
The king's heart breaks
He knows not what to do
As he watches her walk away...
Until the Stars Turn Cold
(UPDATED VERSION OF A PREVIOUS POEM)
In a day I feel your breath
against my flesh so warm
In an hour I taste your scent
awakening my entire being
In a minute I have your touch
to soothe my aches and pains
In a second our souls meld
knowing each other completely
Each instant lasting an eternity
One moment in time
Eternity is broken in an instant
A decade passes
my soul is still yours
A century fades
your touch is always remembered
A millennium dawns
your scent remains on my tongue
An era dies
your breath softly whispers in my ears
I will wait for you
While forever ends or
Until the stars turn cold
In a day I feel your breath
against my flesh so warm
In an hour I taste your scent
awakening my entire being
In a minute I have your touch
to soothe my aches and pains
In a second our souls meld
knowing each other completely
Each instant lasting an eternity
One moment in time
Eternity is broken in an instant
A decade passes
my soul is still yours
A century fades
your touch is always remembered
A millennium dawns
your scent remains on my tongue
An era dies
your breath softly whispers in my ears
I will wait for you
While forever ends or
Until the stars turn cold
Treasure
There I stand, at the foot of a bridge. Debating on whether I want to cross or not I look around and see there is no where else to go. The first step is pain. I behold the make of the bridge and see that its made of glass. Jagged pieces, stronger than steel, large and small, stick out in every direction. No matter where I put my feet, but there is no where else to go. I take another step, and another. As my lifeblood makes a trail behind me and runs to the depths below, I keep walking. The next step my legs shatter, my feet bloody pulps. I will not fall, I keep going. The pain overwhelms until there is nothing but agony. It seems like that's all there is, all there ever has been. Below me I see others that have taken this path and have fallen. They are impaled on the rocks below and cannot die. The ones below me make no sound, having given in to the pain, but where the bridge started I notice the wails of those who gave up too soon, trying to get away. I keep walking. Finlay, I crumble to my knees, and I'm only halfway there. In despair, I think of myself weak, that I should have been able to keep going. My body a bloody mess, left to die, I make no sound, mouthing the words "WHY?". Then someone comes up behind me and picks me up. I can't see them. The only thing they say is, " This path was never meant to be walked alone." Everything goes black.
I open my eyes at a feast. In front of me are endless delicacies. Milk and honey, apples, peaches, pears, pomegranates, strawberries, bananas, and countless others. A peach is placed in front of me by an unknown hand. Mouth watering I take a bite, and taste ash. It falls to pieces, dissipating into nothing between my fingers. Tentatively I take a blueberry and pop it into my mouth and get nothing. The more food I eat the hungrier I get. Desperately I search for something to eat knowing that I need sustenance to stay strong and alive. Every second I get weaker, until I can move no longer. Another person, or maybe the same one, comes up behind me and takes my hand to lead me away. "This isn't the food that you should eat," is the last thing I hear before I drift away again.
Now standing in front of a vast ocean. I see no one around, I am all alone. There are footprints in the sand, thousands of them, of all the people that came through here, or maybe even those that will come through too. Behind me is a dark wood, haunting and inviting at the same time. I turn back to the ocean, thirsty and take a drink. It is sweet on the lips and is cool going down my throat. I keep drinking my fill, but I cant seem to sate my thirst. I keep drinking until my stomach is about to burst, still believing I need to drink more. Then a voice from the woods calls. Man or woman I cannot tell, nor what they said, but all other thought is lost as I realize that someone else is here. Bloated I leave the ocean behind me and step towards the woods. The voice calls again, "I know where you can sate your thirst," and the presence is gone. With great anticipation I start down a path through the woods.
This time I am not alone. Little light streams through the leaves, just enough to see a few feet and nothing more. The shadows move around me, I can feel their hunger, their hatred. A wolf howls in the distance and a raven flies overhead, both a portent of doom. I start running, fear of helplessness trying to overtake me, I just keep running. Branches grab at my clothing, cut into my arms and face, trying to slow me down. The shadows follow, but I notice that they will not come any closer. I stop breathless, but they stay out of my circle, they will not touch me. Their hatred burns. Then I notice singing, a melody of the wood. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time, I feel it pull at me. Having lost myself I follow it, not caring where it goes to. After what seems an eternity I come upon a small lake, crystal clear and so still it resembles glass. The entire area is lit by moonlight, the shadows left at the end of the trees. I move to the water's edge, thirst burning my whole being, and stare. Water so pure, so fresh, yet I cant make myself take a drop. My hands cupped I drop to my knees, mere inches away. The persona of my dreams walks up behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.
All I can think as I sit there is how I have reached a goal, but should I take it? Will I be disappointed? Have I failed myself again? Countless thoughts skirt across the surface of my mind, none ever more than glimpsed. Then she is there, my jewel, my treasure. She hides from me, but not away from me. Patience, trust, and understanding is all she askes of me. She whispers in my ear to take a drink, and squeezes my shoulder. I dip my hands into the water to take the water to my mouth, then I wake.
22 May 2017
My Dark Lady of Shadows (Epilogue)
Duso Moja Mala,
Before we had met, I had decided to end my own life. I would be free of the pain the wracked my being and that in itself kept my inner flame going. I only had to make it to the end. I only had to complete my duty to myself and my ghosts. It consumed the last of my life's energy in my final push against the Darkness. In that darkness, I found you.
I was reckless. A whirlwind of energy. I had master crafted myself into a deadly weapon, my mind as sharp as any blade. The primal part of me dancing with my will. All to meet the end which I had crafted for myself. No force in nature could stop me. In the middle of that storm, I found you.
If I were to believe in anything, I believe that you were a gift. A reminder of all the possibilities that existence has to offer. You offered my heart shade from the overbearing heat. Before you all I had cultivated in the garden of my soul was dust and stone. In that garden, you awoken Life.
I remember the first time I saw you. Sitting at a table, in a little black dress, with spiderweb stockings, lipstick of deep crimson. You had this look of, "I am going to put a spell of madness on you." Lucky for me, I knew the world was already mad. You had gotten out of Tango class. I tried to get you to laugh and you looked at me with open surprise. I think you were a little skeptical of me. I made your acquaintance, thinking you were with the other gentleman there, then proceeded to distract myself from the world by focusing on my goals. When you left, you left alone. And I was intrigued.
When I went to sleep, you danced with my thoughts as I fell into oblivion.
***
The second time I saw you, I was drunk and frustrated and lonely. All I had wanted was to enjoy a heartfelt conversation. To connect with somebody as a person and not talk about the shit the world is in. I was leaving the Kulterhuset after having argued with my local acquaintances about the possibilities of my future. I had let it go into the void. As I let it go, you stepped out in front of me.
Now, I know I'm not exactly a Romeo. My patience for the subtle interactions of the game no longer existed. But you were smirking at me and my my heart slipped through my fingers a little bit. When you invited me to sit with you my head and heart had to only fight for a second. I drunkenly followed you to your table, and we talked.
I kept it simple, but you matched me key for key, word for word. We talked about music, comics and video games, our tattoos, favorite authors... I lost track of time. For the first time in over a decade I had a moment of peace. Before my heart could escape from its cage, I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't afford to fantasize about a life I couldn't have. My pain was too great and I was scared to fall in love. It was the best evening I could have up to that moment in life. A wonderful gift. My heart was heavy as I left, and I couldn't help but turn and look at you as I walked out the door, wondering about what could have been.
***
My next day wasn't pleasant and with great difficulty I lifted my heart from the couch and made my way back to the room I was staying in. When I got there our friends were getting ready to head to another party. While dreams of you danced around me, I asked them to please tell you I had a nice evening, since you didn't have social media and I didn't have a telephone number. They asked if I wanted to go to the party, and as I was declining they told me that you would be there.
In my desire to be intoxicated by you, my mind let everything go and my heart bounded free from its cage. I was exhausted and you gave fuel to my dying flame. I agreed, took a shower, and then we left.
It was late before you arrived. I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't want to look away. I wanted to drink everything about you in and we took over the music. No one else mattered. I was there in that moment. I remember the peace I felt. You didn't give me anxiety, you invoked peace.
When we left, I was ready to say goodbye like a gentleman. I was ready for the pain, I was ready for the emptiness. I'm not sure I was ready for you to invite me over to see your comicbook collection. When you said that you had me, all of me. I knew that I was snared and I didn't care. And that night, I got drunk on your love. I worshiped you fully as you are.
The life that flowed within me awakened my pain. Started the healing process I was never sure I would ever experience. And right now, with all of my heart, I believe it is all worth it. You are worth it all. Every sacrifice, every loss, every bit of pain and growth and self realization would have been lost if not for you.
I am alive, and with my life I worship you, My Dark Lady. No other being in the universe deserves it. No one else was there when I needed it. I am here. I love you, and I am here.
Until Forever Ends,
Brandon
Before we had met, I had decided to end my own life. I would be free of the pain the wracked my being and that in itself kept my inner flame going. I only had to make it to the end. I only had to complete my duty to myself and my ghosts. It consumed the last of my life's energy in my final push against the Darkness. In that darkness, I found you.
I was reckless. A whirlwind of energy. I had master crafted myself into a deadly weapon, my mind as sharp as any blade. The primal part of me dancing with my will. All to meet the end which I had crafted for myself. No force in nature could stop me. In the middle of that storm, I found you.
If I were to believe in anything, I believe that you were a gift. A reminder of all the possibilities that existence has to offer. You offered my heart shade from the overbearing heat. Before you all I had cultivated in the garden of my soul was dust and stone. In that garden, you awoken Life.
I remember the first time I saw you. Sitting at a table, in a little black dress, with spiderweb stockings, lipstick of deep crimson. You had this look of, "I am going to put a spell of madness on you." Lucky for me, I knew the world was already mad. You had gotten out of Tango class. I tried to get you to laugh and you looked at me with open surprise. I think you were a little skeptical of me. I made your acquaintance, thinking you were with the other gentleman there, then proceeded to distract myself from the world by focusing on my goals. When you left, you left alone. And I was intrigued.
When I went to sleep, you danced with my thoughts as I fell into oblivion.
***
The second time I saw you, I was drunk and frustrated and lonely. All I had wanted was to enjoy a heartfelt conversation. To connect with somebody as a person and not talk about the shit the world is in. I was leaving the Kulterhuset after having argued with my local acquaintances about the possibilities of my future. I had let it go into the void. As I let it go, you stepped out in front of me.
Now, I know I'm not exactly a Romeo. My patience for the subtle interactions of the game no longer existed. But you were smirking at me and my my heart slipped through my fingers a little bit. When you invited me to sit with you my head and heart had to only fight for a second. I drunkenly followed you to your table, and we talked.
I kept it simple, but you matched me key for key, word for word. We talked about music, comics and video games, our tattoos, favorite authors... I lost track of time. For the first time in over a decade I had a moment of peace. Before my heart could escape from its cage, I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't afford to fantasize about a life I couldn't have. My pain was too great and I was scared to fall in love. It was the best evening I could have up to that moment in life. A wonderful gift. My heart was heavy as I left, and I couldn't help but turn and look at you as I walked out the door, wondering about what could have been.
***
My next day wasn't pleasant and with great difficulty I lifted my heart from the couch and made my way back to the room I was staying in. When I got there our friends were getting ready to head to another party. While dreams of you danced around me, I asked them to please tell you I had a nice evening, since you didn't have social media and I didn't have a telephone number. They asked if I wanted to go to the party, and as I was declining they told me that you would be there.
In my desire to be intoxicated by you, my mind let everything go and my heart bounded free from its cage. I was exhausted and you gave fuel to my dying flame. I agreed, took a shower, and then we left.
It was late before you arrived. I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't want to look away. I wanted to drink everything about you in and we took over the music. No one else mattered. I was there in that moment. I remember the peace I felt. You didn't give me anxiety, you invoked peace.
When we left, I was ready to say goodbye like a gentleman. I was ready for the pain, I was ready for the emptiness. I'm not sure I was ready for you to invite me over to see your comicbook collection. When you said that you had me, all of me. I knew that I was snared and I didn't care. And that night, I got drunk on your love. I worshiped you fully as you are.
The life that flowed within me awakened my pain. Started the healing process I was never sure I would ever experience. And right now, with all of my heart, I believe it is all worth it. You are worth it all. Every sacrifice, every loss, every bit of pain and growth and self realization would have been lost if not for you.
I am alive, and with my life I worship you, My Dark Lady. No other being in the universe deserves it. No one else was there when I needed it. I am here. I love you, and I am here.
Until Forever Ends,
Brandon
18 May 2017
Nigredo, The Dark Night of the Soul
"Do what thou wilt, shall be the full of the Law. Love is the Law. Love under Will."
-Thelemic Philosophic Core
I came across this saying the last week I was living in Norway and, strangely enough, it's been bouncing around in my head every day since.
When I was growing up all I had ever wanted was to love God and to have a family. We struggled a bit financially, but we always seemed to have enough and the only constant that I could think of was my family's dedication to our church community and loving God. My interests during that time were to explore the universe that God created and the ones that Man creates in order to explore his universe.
In school I got in trouble for learning what I wanted to learn and reading what I wanted to read. I was discouraged from creating my own art, singing my own songs, picked on for being a nice kid. So I stopped doing all of those. I found my solace in exercise and wrestling. In seeing how far and how hard I could push myself before I couldn't go any further. And like Adam, who discovered his own shame when he became aware of his own nakedness, I became ashamed of putting my true self out there for judgement. And like Adam it caused my downfall and separation from God.
Why should I be ashamed for exploring my own creation? And who is God to abandon his own creation?
When I had fallen away from the faith, I spiraled even further into my Dark Night of the Soul. Before then it seemed like I had the stars to guide me, then one day the stars winked out one by one.
If it hadn't had been for the discipline I had learned in wrestling, I would not have been able to push myself through the torment and misery. To endure the dying of the light. Where every step was taken because I know that the last part of the match seems like an eternity, but it always ends. You just have to make it to the end.
And in that abyss of torture in solitude, I wrestled with myself like Jacob wrestled with God. My yin and yang fought for dominance swirling in chaos. My mind was shrouded in mist, thoughts seen and felt but unable to be grasped. Intuition and instinct took over. The Shadow was determined to extinguish my existence and I started to drown.
Then air! I had washed up on a distant shore that I had once called home. Everything was different. I was different. I was battered. Broken. I could find no real care and saw that few outside of the determined and the arrogant got any. So I waited to die.
When Nicola Abe found me, I had lost my will to live. I guess you can call her the Scarlet Lady. The military had stripped me of everything that I had thought was me. They had taken my glorious tree and made a spear out of it then discarded the spear when it had broken. As a remembrance of the tree that I had been, existing to bear fruit and provide shade for the weary, I told her the truth of what I had done and seen. I didn't understand at that time, but I was starting to explore how it was that I had become, like a dying man trying to understand his mortal wounds.
If I had no more faith in God or family, military or government, I had still had faith in my "brothers and sisters" that I had served with. Then when the article came out, and I thought that I could die in peace knowing that I had contributed towards some sort of positive change. My "brothers and sisters" turned their backs on me. My pain turned into Rage.
My will to live came back to me as the fire of a thousand dying suns. How DARE they?! After all I fucking did? After they stole my life from me? After they broke me? How fucking dare they.
My broken spear became a sword's handle and my mind became the blade.
I gave my everything to the fight. I became untouchable and struck with deadly precision, but the beast is too big to be slain by a lone hero. I still fought alone. I still fight alone.
And in the end of that five year battle, I walked away, weary, leaving the fight in a handful of individuals while I licked my wounds.
The Dark Lady appeared before me and took me into her home. I had wanted to find a quiet place for my final rest, but her touch ignited the spark of life once again. And with that Life my pain came back to me in full. My wounds were mostly invisible. How could she understand that which she could not see? I tried to explain them and the words fell on deaf ears.
During that time bandits and worshipers of the Great Beast were stalking me for daring to stand up to their idol. The civilians who "supported me" have no idea how dangerous these zealots are. The Great Beast had thrown its shit at me before and I had evaded quite well, but the zealots eat that shit and spew it everywhere they open their mouths.
Justifications for war, murder, hate, discrimination, slavery. The unenlightened and they glorify themselves in it.
My fear of them was a poison to my wounds. They wracked my soul and mind. Contaminated my nightmares. No one was there to guard us and I was too weak. Those around me were too blind. And in the end my poison seeped into her. She attacked me. I endured. She was relentless with her words and her emotions. I no longer recognized myself. Love stolen from me like a thief in the night. To end the pain I had only one option left, my own death. This life was tragedy and a waste.
Again, I was left alone.
-Thelemic Philosophic Core
I came across this saying the last week I was living in Norway and, strangely enough, it's been bouncing around in my head every day since.
When I was growing up all I had ever wanted was to love God and to have a family. We struggled a bit financially, but we always seemed to have enough and the only constant that I could think of was my family's dedication to our church community and loving God. My interests during that time were to explore the universe that God created and the ones that Man creates in order to explore his universe.
In school I got in trouble for learning what I wanted to learn and reading what I wanted to read. I was discouraged from creating my own art, singing my own songs, picked on for being a nice kid. So I stopped doing all of those. I found my solace in exercise and wrestling. In seeing how far and how hard I could push myself before I couldn't go any further. And like Adam, who discovered his own shame when he became aware of his own nakedness, I became ashamed of putting my true self out there for judgement. And like Adam it caused my downfall and separation from God.
Why should I be ashamed for exploring my own creation? And who is God to abandon his own creation?
When I had fallen away from the faith, I spiraled even further into my Dark Night of the Soul. Before then it seemed like I had the stars to guide me, then one day the stars winked out one by one.
If it hadn't had been for the discipline I had learned in wrestling, I would not have been able to push myself through the torment and misery. To endure the dying of the light. Where every step was taken because I know that the last part of the match seems like an eternity, but it always ends. You just have to make it to the end.
And in that abyss of torture in solitude, I wrestled with myself like Jacob wrestled with God. My yin and yang fought for dominance swirling in chaos. My mind was shrouded in mist, thoughts seen and felt but unable to be grasped. Intuition and instinct took over. The Shadow was determined to extinguish my existence and I started to drown.
Then air! I had washed up on a distant shore that I had once called home. Everything was different. I was different. I was battered. Broken. I could find no real care and saw that few outside of the determined and the arrogant got any. So I waited to die.
When Nicola Abe found me, I had lost my will to live. I guess you can call her the Scarlet Lady. The military had stripped me of everything that I had thought was me. They had taken my glorious tree and made a spear out of it then discarded the spear when it had broken. As a remembrance of the tree that I had been, existing to bear fruit and provide shade for the weary, I told her the truth of what I had done and seen. I didn't understand at that time, but I was starting to explore how it was that I had become, like a dying man trying to understand his mortal wounds.
If I had no more faith in God or family, military or government, I had still had faith in my "brothers and sisters" that I had served with. Then when the article came out, and I thought that I could die in peace knowing that I had contributed towards some sort of positive change. My "brothers and sisters" turned their backs on me. My pain turned into Rage.
My will to live came back to me as the fire of a thousand dying suns. How DARE they?! After all I fucking did? After they stole my life from me? After they broke me? How fucking dare they.
My broken spear became a sword's handle and my mind became the blade.
I gave my everything to the fight. I became untouchable and struck with deadly precision, but the beast is too big to be slain by a lone hero. I still fought alone. I still fight alone.
And in the end of that five year battle, I walked away, weary, leaving the fight in a handful of individuals while I licked my wounds.
The Dark Lady appeared before me and took me into her home. I had wanted to find a quiet place for my final rest, but her touch ignited the spark of life once again. And with that Life my pain came back to me in full. My wounds were mostly invisible. How could she understand that which she could not see? I tried to explain them and the words fell on deaf ears.
During that time bandits and worshipers of the Great Beast were stalking me for daring to stand up to their idol. The civilians who "supported me" have no idea how dangerous these zealots are. The Great Beast had thrown its shit at me before and I had evaded quite well, but the zealots eat that shit and spew it everywhere they open their mouths.
Justifications for war, murder, hate, discrimination, slavery. The unenlightened and they glorify themselves in it.
My fear of them was a poison to my wounds. They wracked my soul and mind. Contaminated my nightmares. No one was there to guard us and I was too weak. Those around me were too blind. And in the end my poison seeped into her. She attacked me. I endured. She was relentless with her words and her emotions. I no longer recognized myself. Love stolen from me like a thief in the night. To end the pain I had only one option left, my own death. This life was tragedy and a waste.
Again, I was left alone.
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