Maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we walked through hell
covered in the Ashes of Eden.
The Way is never easy,
it is a hidden Path.
It is found through
heart's broken door
grief is the key
to find the love
that was lost
Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we carry with us
memories of the beauty of Eden
Let us breathe in
our sorrows,
and feel the weight
upon our shoulders
not make us weak,
but stronger in wisdom
broaden our compassion.
Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we planted a garden
with the remembrance of Eden.
Through the seasons
and the passing of time
we live the Way
the home we build
holds all the treasures
of the world
we have discovered
Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we have built it
out of the Ashes of Eden.
22 December 2017
20 December 2017
With This Ring...
How many times have I sat here, staring at my computer screen, trying to come up with the right words...
I've carried a ring in my pocket ever since I had heard that my son had been conceived. It's black titanium with a woven band, as dark and hard and beautiful as his mother's heart, with 7 rubies, her birthstone, like drops of blood fresh, a promise of life.
This is what this thing means for me today.
An engagement that will never be. A tragedy that was never given an opportunity to be anything else. For a while I pretended that it was my magical ring of shielding, and it protected my heart and mind from harm. I had to remind myself, that it was MY love that conceived that child, and it has always been my dream to be a good father and husband.
When I had started my journey from home, never did I think I would end up where I have been. I don't even know what to say. Today, my heart is the heaviest that it has ever been. I don't even know what to do.
I wish for a Solstice miracle, to be honest. I'm all out of options.
So maybe I'll tell you the reason I have such faith in love and kindness. Even if I lack such in myself at times. It's not some storybook fantasy of gods and romances. I saw it, right before my eyes, and of all the things that I've sought in this world it was to exchange the acknowledgment of existence from somebody who knew who you were and loved you, all of you.
My great-grandparents exchanged that dance every morning that I could remember and it was the most beautiful thing that I think I could have seen before I met the mother of my son. And I wonder if my foolishness in wanting this for myself has led to so much disarray in my romantic life. The problem being is that I've been absent that instruction, like many, except for what has been portrayed through a glass wall.
I've done my best to not leave any broken hearts, and I've for sure done a damn fine job of forgiving those that have broken mine.
Through vivid imaginations, then did I dream of her. She took contrast from my light within her void, and I was the source for all she felt divine. I chased that dream through war and strife. And had it torn from me through greed and envy. I grew up believing in the greater good and honor and justice. I see, now, that they are not inherent in humanity but needing of cultivation daily. These are not things that are given to one, but that we give in opposition.
If I were to wish to see honor and justice and love prevail, I have to be the one to cultivate it within myself, establish a ripe and growing fruit, then sow the seeds amongst those that I meet in my life. And that maybe, my grand-children could one day sit in a society that has been blessed by a more enlightened design.
I have been present to bare witness to the worst that humanity has to offer in this world and the next. Hopefully, 2018 will show me the better side of life.
Fuck this stupid bullshit, Melissa. I love you. After everything that I've seen and heard, the fact that I can still say that shit surprises me. But I've searched deep within myself, deep withing the withering core of my miserable existence, I found life and love. It's miserable, and stupid, and I keep thinking to myself, "why is my heart such a glutton for such punishment?"
And I remember Thanksgiving of 2015, when we were dancing in Laura's house and I saw you. And if a demon were to find me now in my loneliest of lonelies, and he offered a chance to experience it all again, the pain, the sorrow, the heartache.... for that one moment in your gaze I saw you, the true you, and I said to myself, "I hope that I never forget her face or that clever glint in her eyes. And I hope I never lose the love that I see reflected back at me."
And now I wonder if I'll ever see them again with anything resembling love in them. And my heart mourns while i sit here and wait for a Solstice miracle, with a ring that once represented all my hopes and dreams, wondering if that's all they will be.
I've carried a ring in my pocket ever since I had heard that my son had been conceived. It's black titanium with a woven band, as dark and hard and beautiful as his mother's heart, with 7 rubies, her birthstone, like drops of blood fresh, a promise of life.
This is what this thing means for me today.
An engagement that will never be. A tragedy that was never given an opportunity to be anything else. For a while I pretended that it was my magical ring of shielding, and it protected my heart and mind from harm. I had to remind myself, that it was MY love that conceived that child, and it has always been my dream to be a good father and husband.
When I had started my journey from home, never did I think I would end up where I have been. I don't even know what to say. Today, my heart is the heaviest that it has ever been. I don't even know what to do.
I wish for a Solstice miracle, to be honest. I'm all out of options.
So maybe I'll tell you the reason I have such faith in love and kindness. Even if I lack such in myself at times. It's not some storybook fantasy of gods and romances. I saw it, right before my eyes, and of all the things that I've sought in this world it was to exchange the acknowledgment of existence from somebody who knew who you were and loved you, all of you.
My great-grandparents exchanged that dance every morning that I could remember and it was the most beautiful thing that I think I could have seen before I met the mother of my son. And I wonder if my foolishness in wanting this for myself has led to so much disarray in my romantic life. The problem being is that I've been absent that instruction, like many, except for what has been portrayed through a glass wall.
I've done my best to not leave any broken hearts, and I've for sure done a damn fine job of forgiving those that have broken mine.
Through vivid imaginations, then did I dream of her. She took contrast from my light within her void, and I was the source for all she felt divine. I chased that dream through war and strife. And had it torn from me through greed and envy. I grew up believing in the greater good and honor and justice. I see, now, that they are not inherent in humanity but needing of cultivation daily. These are not things that are given to one, but that we give in opposition.
If I were to wish to see honor and justice and love prevail, I have to be the one to cultivate it within myself, establish a ripe and growing fruit, then sow the seeds amongst those that I meet in my life. And that maybe, my grand-children could one day sit in a society that has been blessed by a more enlightened design.
I have been present to bare witness to the worst that humanity has to offer in this world and the next. Hopefully, 2018 will show me the better side of life.
Fuck this stupid bullshit, Melissa. I love you. After everything that I've seen and heard, the fact that I can still say that shit surprises me. But I've searched deep within myself, deep withing the withering core of my miserable existence, I found life and love. It's miserable, and stupid, and I keep thinking to myself, "why is my heart such a glutton for such punishment?"
And I remember Thanksgiving of 2015, when we were dancing in Laura's house and I saw you. And if a demon were to find me now in my loneliest of lonelies, and he offered a chance to experience it all again, the pain, the sorrow, the heartache.... for that one moment in your gaze I saw you, the true you, and I said to myself, "I hope that I never forget her face or that clever glint in her eyes. And I hope I never lose the love that I see reflected back at me."
And now I wonder if I'll ever see them again with anything resembling love in them. And my heart mourns while i sit here and wait for a Solstice miracle, with a ring that once represented all my hopes and dreams, wondering if that's all they will be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)