Two months have passed since our trip to New York City premiere of DRONE. Two months since I have completely lost faith in my home, my family, my country... my People. Of agonizing heartache that simply won't go away. Of realizing that while I cannot walk away like I had originally wanted to do.
I'm tired. My bones are weary, my body aches. My dreams are filled with loneliness and hate. My mind burns and my soul glows. My heart is heavy and my stomach dreads. I know my fight isn't over yet.
My task was completed. My ghosts no longer look at me with expectation but with satisfaction. My ancestors love me and I represent the best of who I could be. I challenged the gods and they trembled, the world shook beneath my feet.
Humanity is simply apathetic.
Everyday I'm left alone with my thoughts. What is, what could be, what could've been. I was forced from my world of dreams to confront the Nightmare and all that comes to mind is the simple question: For what?
Yes, I got my soul back. Just in time to see humanity destroy itself and our planet.
I have made peace with the warring Light and Dark inside my mind, but the scars on my psyche remain to remind me that my destruction was nearly complete.
I confronted my Demons, fulfilled my Obligation to the Dead, faced my Ancestral Judgement, challenged the gods, and submitted to Fate.
I marked myself, my hands, as a reminder of who I am and who I want to be. They are the first things that interact with the world and I always see them.
I discarded the chains of Faith in favor of exploring the unknown.
I escaped the deepest and darkest pits of shame and humiliation. My body was left broken to die by those that I had once dedicated my life, heart and soul, to. I have learned to control my pain, my rage, and my sorrow, in spite of seeking help and receiving less than nothing. I gave and gave and give and have asked for nothing in return other than mutual respect and love. The only true things of value that we can share with one another.
I look at the world around me and cannot help but think that it is too late.
I reached my Enlightenment, the Path anyways, thinking that I was one of the Last. That I needed to catch up. But it turns out that I am Awake during the witching hour. That most everyone is still sleeping because that is the only true way to escape the terror of the world, the comfort of Dreams. I'm afraid that what I've learned isn't enough, that my truth, my Light, will be consumed by the void of human apathy.
The Light shows us that which we refuse to acknowledge in the Dark. Exposes our flaws, and vulnerabilities. Makes us an easier target by those who would rather remain unchanging.
Buddha says that one in ten thousand will seek enlightenment, and one in ten thousand of those will achieve it. What is that number today with our access to the sum of all human knowledge at the tips of our fingers? Why do we have people starving and homeless while food rots in storage and houses stay empty? How did technology go from providing better lives for people to the best method to kill your neighbor and wage war? Who cannot look at history and not be ashamed at what we have done to be where we are today? When did we forget the value of the time we have on this world?
I am, and always will be, a scholar first, an explorer of the mind, body, and soul. I had once wanted to be a "Holy Man of God," but realized that would require me to live blindly. In pursuit of my answers I was given my proverbial sword and taught that I had to kill for "God and Country." I was manipulated, indoctrinated, coerced, intimidated, and humiliated into going against my instincts and intuition. To deny my heart and consciousness, rebel against my conscience...
To become... what?
What happens to a man when he has his dignity, his heart, his mind, soul, body, worth, self-respect, and purpose torn from his very being?
What lost places are revealed in madness and pain? What drives a man to hold on to himself in the midst of a storm of Fire and Ice? Abandoned by friends and family, betrayed by brothers and sisters, discarded by lovers, ridiculed by those you served and served with? Can you, yourself, confront the measure of your own worth, by the debt of your obligation and cast aside your most valuable treasures, turn your back on your dreams to face the consequences of your actions why staring down at the gun in your hands wondering when the turmoil in your heart will be over with? Hoping that you will find peace and beauty in life because you know that you will not find it in death?
Would you face the ghosts of the Dead that you had killed and the countless others in LEGION, waiting to see what you would do? I promised mine that I would do what I could to get people to remember the horrors of war. That I would fulfill my obligation to the Universal Balance before I faced them in the afterlife. I would make sure that the pain stops with me.
What if you were never given a choice? Would you avoid life because the pain got too much? Could you stand up for what you believe in, what you've deliberated and painstakingly thought about while idiots with too much time on their hands and not enough empathy, compassion, & intelligence throw stones and names at you? Could you stand by while those you trusted to act with authority, wisdom, and honor instead act out like selfish children bullies with no discipline?
I have given everything of myself. It has not been pleasant. It has not been enjoyable. I have gained nothing but misery and heartache. I have no home, no money, my dog is trapped on the other side of the world and he is my reason for living. His love and presence saved my life and for a long time he was the only good part about being conscious and present in the world. Those that I have relied up have shown themselves to be neutral at best, disappointments at the worst.
I am weary. I have done my duty.
I am a nobody who grew up poor and lonely, but loved, in a small Christian community in Missoula, MT. I was a dreamer who never fit in. One of the only kids in my church to go to public school and one of the few actively religious people at school. I had a sensitive heart and healthy imagination. I sought solace in books and stories. I taught myself through observation not how to be but how to NOT be. I had no mentor, just a wise old holy man who liked to reminisce about Love and Life. He gave me wisdom but I had to figure out the meaning myself. I didn't fulfill my potential in school or as an athlete because I didn't have anyone to impress or challenge me. I joined the Military to escape my fear of debt, pay for my education, and try to impress a pretty girl. I ended up with a Debt of Souls, a different and more painful education than I had hoped for, and a damaged sense of intimacy and trust. I hunted and killed human beings for a corrupt and idiotic State. Willingly. I pushed myself above and beyond everyday to be a great Airman and military man, to prove to those who pretended to serve that I was worthy of joining their club. I could outperform anyone on any test of physical and intellectual level and I was still barely good enough.
When I got out of the Drone world I had more Aerial Achievement medals and flight hours than anyone else in recorded history with 36 AAMs and 6000+ flight time hours. Let's make this clear: It isn't anything to be proud of. It is required that each AAM is worth 50 hours of flight time. You can only earn 2 hours in a 24 hour period and it has to be consecutive hours on the same plane tail number. Being on break crew? Good fucking luck. I should have had 40+ but my flight hours from the 15th RS and the 46th ERS were put into the database wrong. The flight hours are not how long you've actually been at work, but the number of hours that you've had control of the aircraft with a strong link. Not how long you were in the seat waiting for takeoff or land. Not if you were sitting there for an entire shift because you lost link with the aircraft. I could do my job while I was sleeping and I did it most of the time the last year I was in half asleep if there was nothing important happening. My head is filled with stupid fucking technobabble and old statistics because I had, at one point, wanted to teach people like the Brits taught me.
I physically trained myself at an Olympic level to be a high performing Special Operative. I studied psychology and history and warfare on the advice of a Seal Team 3 member that I had met. I went to University to study creative writing and teaching to be able to better communicate myself. I wanted to be a mentor to kids and Airmen, young military members, because I saw so much fucking stupidity in MY military that I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to represent the best person, American, and soldier that I could be, because I was taught and trained that is what I should be.
So don't fucking blame me for all your mistakes and ills. I did my job. I trusted people to be better. I passed my trial through the fire and flames.
I joined SERE because I still, STILL, wanted to serve my country as best as I could. The Drone program was a waste of me, and many others, and it left me feeling like I wasted my time with the job and former co-workers. My accident magnified that a thousand fold. It really is a shame that log didn't kill me. Or the MRSA. Because the faith that I had in my former friends and Operators and Country has been as misplaced as my faith in the pretender Christian god. My trust in my leadership as big a failure as my trust in Obama to bring about positive change.
I feel like I've been traveling the path of highest resistance.
Strangely enough, it is what I've learned from SERE that helped me survive the worst of these times. Their code is to Return with Honor, and as the Head of School told me before inviting me back, "it's not how far you've fallen, it's how high you bounce back and conquer." And, of course, I cannot forget the US Military Code of Conduct:
I can't do that any longer. My faith in my Country and People has been fully broken. I fulfilled my duty, contractual and self-obligatory. It is time they prove themselves to me and the rest of the world.
We need to grow up, America, and started being responsible adults. Otherwise we've lost. We've lost it to the corruption in our society, press, religions, politics, corporations... We've become diseased to the point that the best we can hope for is that we don't break the Earth in our deathroes. No one will save you but yourself. Rise up and don't let our Legacy be the end of life on our world.
I'll leave you with this. Take it for what you will.
The RED HAND Code of Conduct:
i. I am Humanity, rising up to prevent the devastation of our world. It is Life that I fight to protect at any personal cost.
ii. I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I will seek the answers that I need through deliberation and wisdom.
iii. I will represent the best in myself with nobility and honor. I understand that with strength comes the power to serve, that with knowledge comes sorrow, and with wisdom comes peace.
iv. I will live my life in a manner that when death finally comes, I will have an adventure to share.
v. Though perilous and painful this life may be, it is worth it. I am a guardian of our planet and protector of her life. I am willing to dedicate my life to her defense.
