Duso Moja Mala,
Before we had met, I had decided to end my own life. I would be free of the pain the wracked my being and that in itself kept my inner flame going. I only had to make it to the end. I only had to complete my duty to myself and my ghosts. It consumed the last of my life's energy in my final push against the Darkness. In that darkness, I found you.
I was reckless. A whirlwind of energy. I had master crafted myself into a deadly weapon, my mind as sharp as any blade. The primal part of me dancing with my will. All to meet the end which I had crafted for myself. No force in nature could stop me. In the middle of that storm, I found you.
If I were to believe in anything, I believe that you were a gift. A reminder of all the possibilities that existence has to offer. You offered my heart shade from the overbearing heat. Before you all I had cultivated in the garden of my soul was dust and stone. In that garden, you awoken Life.
I remember the first time I saw you. Sitting at a table, in a little black dress, with spiderweb stockings, lipstick of deep crimson. You had this look of, "I am going to put a spell of madness on you." Lucky for me, I knew the world was already mad. You had gotten out of Tango class. I tried to get you to laugh and you looked at me with open surprise. I think you were a little skeptical of me. I made your acquaintance, thinking you were with the other gentleman there, then proceeded to distract myself from the world by focusing on my goals. When you left, you left alone. And I was intrigued.
When I went to sleep, you danced with my thoughts as I fell into oblivion.
***
The second time I saw you, I was drunk and frustrated and lonely. All I had wanted was to enjoy a heartfelt conversation. To connect with somebody as a person and not talk about the shit the world is in. I was leaving the Kulterhuset after having argued with my local acquaintances about the possibilities of my future. I had let it go into the void. As I let it go, you stepped out in front of me.
Now, I know I'm not exactly a Romeo. My patience for the subtle interactions of the game no longer existed. But you were smirking at me and my my heart slipped through my fingers a little bit. When you invited me to sit with you my head and heart had to only fight for a second. I drunkenly followed you to your table, and we talked.
I kept it simple, but you matched me key for key, word for word. We talked about music, comics and video games, our tattoos, favorite authors... I lost track of time. For the first time in over a decade I had a moment of peace. Before my heart could escape from its cage, I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't afford to fantasize about a life I couldn't have. My pain was too great and I was scared to fall in love. It was the best evening I could have up to that moment in life. A wonderful gift. My heart was heavy as I left, and I couldn't help but turn and look at you as I walked out the door, wondering about what could have been.
***
My next day wasn't pleasant and with great difficulty I lifted my heart from the couch and made my way back to the room I was staying in. When I got there our friends were getting ready to head to another party. While dreams of you danced around me, I asked them to please tell you I had a nice evening, since you didn't have social media and I didn't have a telephone number. They asked if I wanted to go to the party, and as I was declining they told me that you would be there.
In my desire to be intoxicated by you, my mind let everything go and my heart bounded free from its cage. I was exhausted and you gave fuel to my dying flame. I agreed, took a shower, and then we left.
It was late before you arrived. I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't want to look away. I wanted to drink everything about you in and we took over the music. No one else mattered. I was there in that moment. I remember the peace I felt. You didn't give me anxiety, you invoked peace.
When we left, I was ready to say goodbye like a gentleman. I was ready for the pain, I was ready for the emptiness. I'm not sure I was ready for you to invite me over to see your comicbook collection. When you said that you had me, all of me. I knew that I was snared and I didn't care. And that night, I got drunk on your love. I worshiped you fully as you are.
The life that flowed within me awakened my pain. Started the healing process I was never sure I would ever experience. And right now, with all of my heart, I believe it is all worth it. You are worth it all. Every sacrifice, every loss, every bit of pain and growth and self realization would have been lost if not for you.
I am alive, and with my life I worship you, My Dark Lady. No other being in the universe deserves it. No one else was there when I needed it. I am here. I love you, and I am here.
Until Forever Ends,
Brandon
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