"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
-Carl G. Jung
A few instances from Technical School come back to me every so often whenever I seek defining moments in my memories.
There was one time where I was loving the use of the word "redonkulous." There was one kid who simply attacked me verbally in class for everything that I did. He just didn't like me. And I gave no fucks about it. Then he used the word and I got to call him out about it in front of everyone. He seemed to believe that made us mortal enemies. He was also one of the dumbest fucks I'd ever met in the intelligence community. And it only got worse from there.
Another time I had overslept on my lunch break. My entire class had left me at the dorms so I had to sprint back to the school house in combat boots. I made it "on time" but the instructor had decided to start early without me. When I argued my case the instructor said, "it doesn't matter when I told you to be back, if I decide to start earlier than that then you are late!"
Shame and lies are a combustible match, and in order to hold in this nuclear explosion of justified anger I started crying. In front of my whole class. I wanted to and could have beat the shit out of him but I also knew not to fight angry and not to attack others. A true lesson in self control. I then cried in front of the Gunny Sergeant (we had marines with us) in charge and I'm pretty sure that they knew I wouldn't fuck that up again, or anything else.
Along with everything else, in January of 2006 my great-grandmother started showing severe dementia and my great-grandfather's health started to spiral down from a broken heart. His wife was gone and all he could do is take care of the shell of herself. He told my mother that he "didn't want to live anymore but was afraid to die." The man with the unflinching faith and endless love reached his end and stared into the abyss. My entire reality started crumbling apart. I saw my family start to lose direction without our Matriarch and Patriarch. Who could fill their shoes? All I could do was distract myself with video games and the Bible. That was when I started digging for true answers. And the more that I dug, the more confusing everything started to become.
When Tech School ended I had thought that i was going to be stationed at Beale AFB but instead got chosen to go to Nellis AFB for a TOP SECRET project. I would find out when I got there. In the meantime, I had to get a flight physical from a Major Wood who told me I had great lower back muscles and helped me check for hernia with great enthusiasm. He talked a lot like Mike Tyson.
While I was wrestling with my morals, I was still searching for Love's elusive grasp. I never wanted to make a hasty decision of the heart and as wounded as I was, it was difficult to be vulnerable with anyone. I had seen too many of my peers jump on the BAH bandwagon only to have their marriages fall apart due to stupidity. I might make some pretty severe mistakes in my life, but I think I'm wise enough to learn from others. And my great-grandfather told me that before deciding to marry somebody, to be with them for a year and to go through the seasons with them. Some of the best advice I ever got.
Our graduation celebration consisted of my classmates getting me wasted on Bacardi Coconut Rum while playing the card game Screw the Dealer. I ended up crying about the girl that got me into the military. Then, while I convulsed from alcohol poisoning on the bedroom floor, somebody held me and comforted me. Later, I was told how I had ruined the evening of celebration by being a little bitch. It would be a long time before I drank that hard again.
I had a few days before class started so I flew home. I don't really remember it, other than I spent two days manning the USAF Recruiter's Office. The fog of existential despair was settling in.
***
When I showed up to the Nellis AFB dormitory, mid April 2006, a black man in a flight suit showed up to tell me where to take a bus in the morning so I could show up at our introductory brief. He then turned and walked away without another word, leaving me to wonder what it was exactly I was going to be doing.
Early the next morning Michael Haas and I met up at the bus stop and made our way to the 11th Training Reconnaissance Squadron's theater room. On the way we see the largest crow in existence and we dub it the Creech Crow of Death. A probable consequence of the nuclear testing experiments in the early days of the base. As we made the joke about how they could carry off a person, in the background an MQ-1B Predator drone takes off.
The theater was full of officers and junior enlisted. We chose two seats somewhere on the left side facing the screen with a center aisle separating the room. Once the lights went off, the festivities began.
Metallica's "One" starts playing to some introductory propaganda. When that first entry rift ends, the bombs begin to drop. I wonder if the universe played this song for us on purpose. It's never left me. I also wonder if they knew what they were playing.
After the infrared light show ended, a Staff Sergeant marches down the center aisle and does an about face, goes into parade rest then proclaims, "your job is to kill people and break things!" The room is silent.
I look at Haas like, "the fuck?"
Somebody raised their hand on the opposite side of the room. "This isn't what I signed up to do." They echoed my concern. The Sergeant responded, "You'll do what the Air Force wants you to do."
And again my great-grandfather's words rattled around in my head... "The only thing a man has of worth..."
He continued, "but you'll have the chance to voice your grievances individually to the commander. We are the Air Force after all. We take care of one another."
Something told me this was not true but I was scared I was trapped.
When I got my turn, I straight told him that I wasn't sure that I could kill people.
His response," You swore an Oath to defend this country against ALL enemies foreign and domestic, and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. You signed the contract. You are property of the United States Government. You will do your job. Are you a coward, Airman First Class Bryant?"
That volatile mixture of emotions caught the false fire of pride. I puffed up my chest and stood at ridged attention, "Sir, no sir!"
"Then get the fuck out there and do your fucking job!"
The next time I saw him I had purposely failed twice in order to take the coward's way out. I wanted to get moved to another place, another job. My self doubt was hanging over my head. In the same line of questioning he asked if I was a "fuck-up?" And pride, again, overrode my reason.
***
The day after my initial conversation with LT. COL. Gear we had our first "class formation." As we fell into our places dread started growing in my gut. The commander was standing at parade rest next to one of the instructors who was standing at the position of attention. When everything became still and quiet, two names were called out.
One was a 2nd LT from the California Reserves and a young enlisted dude who I barely knew. Both had voiced their concerns to the commander the day prior. The commander looked me dead in the eye before he began and I started trembling in fear.
"Everyone of you signed a contract and swore an Oath to defend the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic and to obey the lawful orders of those appointed over you. These two decided to break their contracts and violate their Oaths. These men are not men, or even boys! They are pussies! They object to defending their country and fellow soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines because it doesn't 'feel right,' so have decided to be conscientious objectors. They are failures. They are weak."
He looked at each of us in turn. "Are you weak?"
the class in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Are you pussies?"
again, in unison, "Sir, no sir!"
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
desperately, "SIR, YES SIR!" *GULP*
I lost track of what was being said after that. The 2nd LT was looking ashamed but the enlisted kid didn't flinch. I felt a mixture of envy and admiration. I felt like a coward. I wasn't true to myself. I was afraid.
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