The Lie I Never Told
and
Innocence Ripped Away
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
-Kurt Vonnegut
Every Friday in Technical School we would have a weekend safety briefing. Them having to tell us, remind us actually, to behave probably grew tiresome at some point. Then we had somebody light a couch on fire and throw it off of a third story balcony.
The Leadership also had everyone under 21 raise their hands to be seen. I was a good Christian boy at the time, under age, so I never cared nor paid attention to who did. My recruiter had told me to keep my head down and don't grab attention. I had almost too much attention as it was athletically and religiously, with permanent party enlisted asking me to "step up." I became a white rope.
I started noticing at one point that most others were not really paying attention, and with my 20th birthday right around the corner, I wasn't going to be drinking anyways. No one realized I stopped raising my hand. Then came Christmas holiday. My first time home on leave.
As something of a joke among my class, I was known as the "40 year old virgin," because I was "saving myself" for marriage. I occupied my time with severe nerd activities. I wanted True Love. Why waste my time with anything less?
While I was headed out to the airport bus to go on holiday, one of my buddies staying in the dorms for the holidays jokingly called out "you better get laid!" We both laughed because we knew it wouldn't happen.
That was the last time I had actually felt peaceful in my life. The last time I spent with my great-grandfather. I watched him express love for his wife and listened to him speak bout his love of her, God, and creation. I felt the yearning for my own Love, but I was content to wait. I was at peace.
The last day of my holiday leave, I was invited to a house party that was supposed to have people from my High School. I didn't have the hang of social media (yet), so it would be a good time to reconnect. I was the first person to show up.
The kitchen was full of soda and alcohol. I took some spiked punch, because I wanted to at least try it (I wasn't going to get drunk) and my social anxiety towards the girl that had invited me was out of control. She kept flirting with me in front of the only other person there, her friend who owned the house. She was drinking pretty heavily. No one else showed up and after a few drinks, they kept filling up my cup and I kept drinking, I was way too gone to drive. Her friend eventually told me that the girl wanted to lose her virginity with me. I started to protest but those drinks were stronger than I had realized. They led me to a cot in the garage and I proceeded to go in and out of consciousness. While being taken advantage of. When I came to she was passed out next to me and I was covered in sex, sweat, and blood. I left a bloody mess feeling extremely violated and I blamed myself for putting myself into that position. I radiated shame as I drove home and my mother took me to the airport back to that other world.
Everything was different.
***
Of course when I get back I tell my "friends." Before my emotions could break free and my confusion of the whole event made evident, they congratulated me and cheered. And I think, is it wrong of me to feel badly? No one there could answer that grinding question so I buried it deep.
Then they noticed I wasn't raising my hand at the Friday safety briefing. Almost all of them were under age, a few times I was asked to buy alcohol. I even had a few of the girls express interest in me if I ever wanted to learn a "trick or few." On the outside it was all fun and jokes. On the inside the shame was eating away at everything I thought that I was.
How could I be a righteous believer?
Why would God allow this to happen?
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Then one of my peers found my issued ID card. In fear of being caught in an unintentional lie, I made the excuse that my ID was wrong and that I never bothered to fix it because I never thought I would drink alcohol. So I lied and it mixed well with the poison of shame. The alchemical reaction continued with the crumbling of my self.
No one questioned me and I thought I was safe.
In my mind the words echoed, "the only thing a man has of any worth..."
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