A heart is a fragile thing
Filled with pride and love
Crushed by anger and fear
Tentatively these push
On walls as thin as paper
Then a person comes along
And says a kind word or two
The anger is repulsed back
Fear is overwhelmed
If only for a moment
Then stepping out
Of the fortress built
A piece of that heart is given
And all that is expected
Is a little piece of their own
But betrayal is nigh!
Dagger plunged deep
Into vulnerable innocence
Wounding heart and soul
The enemy has come
Many times this passed
A kingdom broken, shattered
Pillagers take what they want
Leaving nothing of use
Broken heart unhealed
Then she comes along
To give the king his crown
A hand who heals
Showing kindness
To he who had none
But the enemy deceives
And he pushed her away
Fearing her more
Than any of the others
Not wanting another wound
She fights for him
Where he gave up
Points him in the direction
To heal a broken kingdom
A road he never knew
Down the path he trod
Each step more painful
With each given memory
But also each step
Is stronger, more sure
The path of broken hearts
He notices he walks alone
Frantically he searches
The enemy attacks
Fear downtroddens the king
Nearly overwhelmed
He prays to God for strength
Memories come unbidden
Of she that was there
Standing next to a broken throne
Her memory gives him joy
Laughter lightens his soul
Fear is away
Holds no power
Next to her smile
The king returns home
He see's his beloved
But she doesn't want
To be his anymore
Her tears come unbidden
She tells of the wounds
Taken in his stead
How her heart broke
And how she thought
Their love was dead
He tells her what has changed
As much as he can
Confusion has taken his words
Emotions are jumbled
As he watches her walk away
The king wants to tell her
How justice was meted out
And change was in motion
Never will he be overwhelmed
Because she will be at his side
Hurting her was never his intent
For that puts him on the level
Of those that wounded him
He wants to comfort her
But knows not where to begin
She turns and gives a smile
Full of sadness and pain
The king's heart breaks
He knows not what to do
As he watches her walk away...
24 May 2017
Until the Stars Turn Cold
(UPDATED VERSION OF A PREVIOUS POEM)
In a day I feel your breath
against my flesh so warm
In an hour I taste your scent
awakening my entire being
In a minute I have your touch
to soothe my aches and pains
In a second our souls meld
knowing each other completely
Each instant lasting an eternity
One moment in time
Eternity is broken in an instant
A decade passes
my soul is still yours
A century fades
your touch is always remembered
A millennium dawns
your scent remains on my tongue
An era dies
your breath softly whispers in my ears
I will wait for you
While forever ends or
Until the stars turn cold
In a day I feel your breath
against my flesh so warm
In an hour I taste your scent
awakening my entire being
In a minute I have your touch
to soothe my aches and pains
In a second our souls meld
knowing each other completely
Each instant lasting an eternity
One moment in time
Eternity is broken in an instant
A decade passes
my soul is still yours
A century fades
your touch is always remembered
A millennium dawns
your scent remains on my tongue
An era dies
your breath softly whispers in my ears
I will wait for you
While forever ends or
Until the stars turn cold
Treasure
There I stand, at the foot of a bridge. Debating on whether I want to cross or not I look around and see there is no where else to go. The first step is pain. I behold the make of the bridge and see that its made of glass. Jagged pieces, stronger than steel, large and small, stick out in every direction. No matter where I put my feet, but there is no where else to go. I take another step, and another. As my lifeblood makes a trail behind me and runs to the depths below, I keep walking. The next step my legs shatter, my feet bloody pulps. I will not fall, I keep going. The pain overwhelms until there is nothing but agony. It seems like that's all there is, all there ever has been. Below me I see others that have taken this path and have fallen. They are impaled on the rocks below and cannot die. The ones below me make no sound, having given in to the pain, but where the bridge started I notice the wails of those who gave up too soon, trying to get away. I keep walking. Finlay, I crumble to my knees, and I'm only halfway there. In despair, I think of myself weak, that I should have been able to keep going. My body a bloody mess, left to die, I make no sound, mouthing the words "WHY?". Then someone comes up behind me and picks me up. I can't see them. The only thing they say is, " This path was never meant to be walked alone." Everything goes black.
I open my eyes at a feast. In front of me are endless delicacies. Milk and honey, apples, peaches, pears, pomegranates, strawberries, bananas, and countless others. A peach is placed in front of me by an unknown hand. Mouth watering I take a bite, and taste ash. It falls to pieces, dissipating into nothing between my fingers. Tentatively I take a blueberry and pop it into my mouth and get nothing. The more food I eat the hungrier I get. Desperately I search for something to eat knowing that I need sustenance to stay strong and alive. Every second I get weaker, until I can move no longer. Another person, or maybe the same one, comes up behind me and takes my hand to lead me away. "This isn't the food that you should eat," is the last thing I hear before I drift away again.
Now standing in front of a vast ocean. I see no one around, I am all alone. There are footprints in the sand, thousands of them, of all the people that came through here, or maybe even those that will come through too. Behind me is a dark wood, haunting and inviting at the same time. I turn back to the ocean, thirsty and take a drink. It is sweet on the lips and is cool going down my throat. I keep drinking my fill, but I cant seem to sate my thirst. I keep drinking until my stomach is about to burst, still believing I need to drink more. Then a voice from the woods calls. Man or woman I cannot tell, nor what they said, but all other thought is lost as I realize that someone else is here. Bloated I leave the ocean behind me and step towards the woods. The voice calls again, "I know where you can sate your thirst," and the presence is gone. With great anticipation I start down a path through the woods.
This time I am not alone. Little light streams through the leaves, just enough to see a few feet and nothing more. The shadows move around me, I can feel their hunger, their hatred. A wolf howls in the distance and a raven flies overhead, both a portent of doom. I start running, fear of helplessness trying to overtake me, I just keep running. Branches grab at my clothing, cut into my arms and face, trying to slow me down. The shadows follow, but I notice that they will not come any closer. I stop breathless, but they stay out of my circle, they will not touch me. Their hatred burns. Then I notice singing, a melody of the wood. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time, I feel it pull at me. Having lost myself I follow it, not caring where it goes to. After what seems an eternity I come upon a small lake, crystal clear and so still it resembles glass. The entire area is lit by moonlight, the shadows left at the end of the trees. I move to the water's edge, thirst burning my whole being, and stare. Water so pure, so fresh, yet I cant make myself take a drop. My hands cupped I drop to my knees, mere inches away. The persona of my dreams walks up behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.
All I can think as I sit there is how I have reached a goal, but should I take it? Will I be disappointed? Have I failed myself again? Countless thoughts skirt across the surface of my mind, none ever more than glimpsed. Then she is there, my jewel, my treasure. She hides from me, but not away from me. Patience, trust, and understanding is all she askes of me. She whispers in my ear to take a drink, and squeezes my shoulder. I dip my hands into the water to take the water to my mouth, then I wake.
22 May 2017
My Dark Lady of Shadows (Epilogue)
Duso Moja Mala,
Before we had met, I had decided to end my own life. I would be free of the pain the wracked my being and that in itself kept my inner flame going. I only had to make it to the end. I only had to complete my duty to myself and my ghosts. It consumed the last of my life's energy in my final push against the Darkness. In that darkness, I found you.
I was reckless. A whirlwind of energy. I had master crafted myself into a deadly weapon, my mind as sharp as any blade. The primal part of me dancing with my will. All to meet the end which I had crafted for myself. No force in nature could stop me. In the middle of that storm, I found you.
If I were to believe in anything, I believe that you were a gift. A reminder of all the possibilities that existence has to offer. You offered my heart shade from the overbearing heat. Before you all I had cultivated in the garden of my soul was dust and stone. In that garden, you awoken Life.
I remember the first time I saw you. Sitting at a table, in a little black dress, with spiderweb stockings, lipstick of deep crimson. You had this look of, "I am going to put a spell of madness on you." Lucky for me, I knew the world was already mad. You had gotten out of Tango class. I tried to get you to laugh and you looked at me with open surprise. I think you were a little skeptical of me. I made your acquaintance, thinking you were with the other gentleman there, then proceeded to distract myself from the world by focusing on my goals. When you left, you left alone. And I was intrigued.
When I went to sleep, you danced with my thoughts as I fell into oblivion.
***
The second time I saw you, I was drunk and frustrated and lonely. All I had wanted was to enjoy a heartfelt conversation. To connect with somebody as a person and not talk about the shit the world is in. I was leaving the Kulterhuset after having argued with my local acquaintances about the possibilities of my future. I had let it go into the void. As I let it go, you stepped out in front of me.
Now, I know I'm not exactly a Romeo. My patience for the subtle interactions of the game no longer existed. But you were smirking at me and my my heart slipped through my fingers a little bit. When you invited me to sit with you my head and heart had to only fight for a second. I drunkenly followed you to your table, and we talked.
I kept it simple, but you matched me key for key, word for word. We talked about music, comics and video games, our tattoos, favorite authors... I lost track of time. For the first time in over a decade I had a moment of peace. Before my heart could escape from its cage, I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't afford to fantasize about a life I couldn't have. My pain was too great and I was scared to fall in love. It was the best evening I could have up to that moment in life. A wonderful gift. My heart was heavy as I left, and I couldn't help but turn and look at you as I walked out the door, wondering about what could have been.
***
My next day wasn't pleasant and with great difficulty I lifted my heart from the couch and made my way back to the room I was staying in. When I got there our friends were getting ready to head to another party. While dreams of you danced around me, I asked them to please tell you I had a nice evening, since you didn't have social media and I didn't have a telephone number. They asked if I wanted to go to the party, and as I was declining they told me that you would be there.
In my desire to be intoxicated by you, my mind let everything go and my heart bounded free from its cage. I was exhausted and you gave fuel to my dying flame. I agreed, took a shower, and then we left.
It was late before you arrived. I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't want to look away. I wanted to drink everything about you in and we took over the music. No one else mattered. I was there in that moment. I remember the peace I felt. You didn't give me anxiety, you invoked peace.
When we left, I was ready to say goodbye like a gentleman. I was ready for the pain, I was ready for the emptiness. I'm not sure I was ready for you to invite me over to see your comicbook collection. When you said that you had me, all of me. I knew that I was snared and I didn't care. And that night, I got drunk on your love. I worshiped you fully as you are.
The life that flowed within me awakened my pain. Started the healing process I was never sure I would ever experience. And right now, with all of my heart, I believe it is all worth it. You are worth it all. Every sacrifice, every loss, every bit of pain and growth and self realization would have been lost if not for you.
I am alive, and with my life I worship you, My Dark Lady. No other being in the universe deserves it. No one else was there when I needed it. I am here. I love you, and I am here.
Until Forever Ends,
Brandon
Before we had met, I had decided to end my own life. I would be free of the pain the wracked my being and that in itself kept my inner flame going. I only had to make it to the end. I only had to complete my duty to myself and my ghosts. It consumed the last of my life's energy in my final push against the Darkness. In that darkness, I found you.
I was reckless. A whirlwind of energy. I had master crafted myself into a deadly weapon, my mind as sharp as any blade. The primal part of me dancing with my will. All to meet the end which I had crafted for myself. No force in nature could stop me. In the middle of that storm, I found you.
If I were to believe in anything, I believe that you were a gift. A reminder of all the possibilities that existence has to offer. You offered my heart shade from the overbearing heat. Before you all I had cultivated in the garden of my soul was dust and stone. In that garden, you awoken Life.
I remember the first time I saw you. Sitting at a table, in a little black dress, with spiderweb stockings, lipstick of deep crimson. You had this look of, "I am going to put a spell of madness on you." Lucky for me, I knew the world was already mad. You had gotten out of Tango class. I tried to get you to laugh and you looked at me with open surprise. I think you were a little skeptical of me. I made your acquaintance, thinking you were with the other gentleman there, then proceeded to distract myself from the world by focusing on my goals. When you left, you left alone. And I was intrigued.
When I went to sleep, you danced with my thoughts as I fell into oblivion.
***
The second time I saw you, I was drunk and frustrated and lonely. All I had wanted was to enjoy a heartfelt conversation. To connect with somebody as a person and not talk about the shit the world is in. I was leaving the Kulterhuset after having argued with my local acquaintances about the possibilities of my future. I had let it go into the void. As I let it go, you stepped out in front of me.
Now, I know I'm not exactly a Romeo. My patience for the subtle interactions of the game no longer existed. But you were smirking at me and my my heart slipped through my fingers a little bit. When you invited me to sit with you my head and heart had to only fight for a second. I drunkenly followed you to your table, and we talked.
I kept it simple, but you matched me key for key, word for word. We talked about music, comics and video games, our tattoos, favorite authors... I lost track of time. For the first time in over a decade I had a moment of peace. Before my heart could escape from its cage, I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't afford to fantasize about a life I couldn't have. My pain was too great and I was scared to fall in love. It was the best evening I could have up to that moment in life. A wonderful gift. My heart was heavy as I left, and I couldn't help but turn and look at you as I walked out the door, wondering about what could have been.
***
My next day wasn't pleasant and with great difficulty I lifted my heart from the couch and made my way back to the room I was staying in. When I got there our friends were getting ready to head to another party. While dreams of you danced around me, I asked them to please tell you I had a nice evening, since you didn't have social media and I didn't have a telephone number. They asked if I wanted to go to the party, and as I was declining they told me that you would be there.
In my desire to be intoxicated by you, my mind let everything go and my heart bounded free from its cage. I was exhausted and you gave fuel to my dying flame. I agreed, took a shower, and then we left.
It was late before you arrived. I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't want to look away. I wanted to drink everything about you in and we took over the music. No one else mattered. I was there in that moment. I remember the peace I felt. You didn't give me anxiety, you invoked peace.
When we left, I was ready to say goodbye like a gentleman. I was ready for the pain, I was ready for the emptiness. I'm not sure I was ready for you to invite me over to see your comicbook collection. When you said that you had me, all of me. I knew that I was snared and I didn't care. And that night, I got drunk on your love. I worshiped you fully as you are.
The life that flowed within me awakened my pain. Started the healing process I was never sure I would ever experience. And right now, with all of my heart, I believe it is all worth it. You are worth it all. Every sacrifice, every loss, every bit of pain and growth and self realization would have been lost if not for you.
I am alive, and with my life I worship you, My Dark Lady. No other being in the universe deserves it. No one else was there when I needed it. I am here. I love you, and I am here.
Until Forever Ends,
Brandon
18 May 2017
Nigredo, The Dark Night of the Soul
"Do what thou wilt, shall be the full of the Law. Love is the Law. Love under Will."
-Thelemic Philosophic Core
I came across this saying the last week I was living in Norway and, strangely enough, it's been bouncing around in my head every day since.
When I was growing up all I had ever wanted was to love God and to have a family. We struggled a bit financially, but we always seemed to have enough and the only constant that I could think of was my family's dedication to our church community and loving God. My interests during that time were to explore the universe that God created and the ones that Man creates in order to explore his universe.
In school I got in trouble for learning what I wanted to learn and reading what I wanted to read. I was discouraged from creating my own art, singing my own songs, picked on for being a nice kid. So I stopped doing all of those. I found my solace in exercise and wrestling. In seeing how far and how hard I could push myself before I couldn't go any further. And like Adam, who discovered his own shame when he became aware of his own nakedness, I became ashamed of putting my true self out there for judgement. And like Adam it caused my downfall and separation from God.
Why should I be ashamed for exploring my own creation? And who is God to abandon his own creation?
When I had fallen away from the faith, I spiraled even further into my Dark Night of the Soul. Before then it seemed like I had the stars to guide me, then one day the stars winked out one by one.
If it hadn't had been for the discipline I had learned in wrestling, I would not have been able to push myself through the torment and misery. To endure the dying of the light. Where every step was taken because I know that the last part of the match seems like an eternity, but it always ends. You just have to make it to the end.
And in that abyss of torture in solitude, I wrestled with myself like Jacob wrestled with God. My yin and yang fought for dominance swirling in chaos. My mind was shrouded in mist, thoughts seen and felt but unable to be grasped. Intuition and instinct took over. The Shadow was determined to extinguish my existence and I started to drown.
Then air! I had washed up on a distant shore that I had once called home. Everything was different. I was different. I was battered. Broken. I could find no real care and saw that few outside of the determined and the arrogant got any. So I waited to die.
When Nicola Abe found me, I had lost my will to live. I guess you can call her the Scarlet Lady. The military had stripped me of everything that I had thought was me. They had taken my glorious tree and made a spear out of it then discarded the spear when it had broken. As a remembrance of the tree that I had been, existing to bear fruit and provide shade for the weary, I told her the truth of what I had done and seen. I didn't understand at that time, but I was starting to explore how it was that I had become, like a dying man trying to understand his mortal wounds.
If I had no more faith in God or family, military or government, I had still had faith in my "brothers and sisters" that I had served with. Then when the article came out, and I thought that I could die in peace knowing that I had contributed towards some sort of positive change. My "brothers and sisters" turned their backs on me. My pain turned into Rage.
My will to live came back to me as the fire of a thousand dying suns. How DARE they?! After all I fucking did? After they stole my life from me? After they broke me? How fucking dare they.
My broken spear became a sword's handle and my mind became the blade.
I gave my everything to the fight. I became untouchable and struck with deadly precision, but the beast is too big to be slain by a lone hero. I still fought alone. I still fight alone.
And in the end of that five year battle, I walked away, weary, leaving the fight in a handful of individuals while I licked my wounds.
The Dark Lady appeared before me and took me into her home. I had wanted to find a quiet place for my final rest, but her touch ignited the spark of life once again. And with that Life my pain came back to me in full. My wounds were mostly invisible. How could she understand that which she could not see? I tried to explain them and the words fell on deaf ears.
During that time bandits and worshipers of the Great Beast were stalking me for daring to stand up to their idol. The civilians who "supported me" have no idea how dangerous these zealots are. The Great Beast had thrown its shit at me before and I had evaded quite well, but the zealots eat that shit and spew it everywhere they open their mouths.
Justifications for war, murder, hate, discrimination, slavery. The unenlightened and they glorify themselves in it.
My fear of them was a poison to my wounds. They wracked my soul and mind. Contaminated my nightmares. No one was there to guard us and I was too weak. Those around me were too blind. And in the end my poison seeped into her. She attacked me. I endured. She was relentless with her words and her emotions. I no longer recognized myself. Love stolen from me like a thief in the night. To end the pain I had only one option left, my own death. This life was tragedy and a waste.
Again, I was left alone.
-Thelemic Philosophic Core
I came across this saying the last week I was living in Norway and, strangely enough, it's been bouncing around in my head every day since.
When I was growing up all I had ever wanted was to love God and to have a family. We struggled a bit financially, but we always seemed to have enough and the only constant that I could think of was my family's dedication to our church community and loving God. My interests during that time were to explore the universe that God created and the ones that Man creates in order to explore his universe.
In school I got in trouble for learning what I wanted to learn and reading what I wanted to read. I was discouraged from creating my own art, singing my own songs, picked on for being a nice kid. So I stopped doing all of those. I found my solace in exercise and wrestling. In seeing how far and how hard I could push myself before I couldn't go any further. And like Adam, who discovered his own shame when he became aware of his own nakedness, I became ashamed of putting my true self out there for judgement. And like Adam it caused my downfall and separation from God.
Why should I be ashamed for exploring my own creation? And who is God to abandon his own creation?
When I had fallen away from the faith, I spiraled even further into my Dark Night of the Soul. Before then it seemed like I had the stars to guide me, then one day the stars winked out one by one.
If it hadn't had been for the discipline I had learned in wrestling, I would not have been able to push myself through the torment and misery. To endure the dying of the light. Where every step was taken because I know that the last part of the match seems like an eternity, but it always ends. You just have to make it to the end.
And in that abyss of torture in solitude, I wrestled with myself like Jacob wrestled with God. My yin and yang fought for dominance swirling in chaos. My mind was shrouded in mist, thoughts seen and felt but unable to be grasped. Intuition and instinct took over. The Shadow was determined to extinguish my existence and I started to drown.
Then air! I had washed up on a distant shore that I had once called home. Everything was different. I was different. I was battered. Broken. I could find no real care and saw that few outside of the determined and the arrogant got any. So I waited to die.
When Nicola Abe found me, I had lost my will to live. I guess you can call her the Scarlet Lady. The military had stripped me of everything that I had thought was me. They had taken my glorious tree and made a spear out of it then discarded the spear when it had broken. As a remembrance of the tree that I had been, existing to bear fruit and provide shade for the weary, I told her the truth of what I had done and seen. I didn't understand at that time, but I was starting to explore how it was that I had become, like a dying man trying to understand his mortal wounds.
If I had no more faith in God or family, military or government, I had still had faith in my "brothers and sisters" that I had served with. Then when the article came out, and I thought that I could die in peace knowing that I had contributed towards some sort of positive change. My "brothers and sisters" turned their backs on me. My pain turned into Rage.
My will to live came back to me as the fire of a thousand dying suns. How DARE they?! After all I fucking did? After they stole my life from me? After they broke me? How fucking dare they.
My broken spear became a sword's handle and my mind became the blade.
I gave my everything to the fight. I became untouchable and struck with deadly precision, but the beast is too big to be slain by a lone hero. I still fought alone. I still fight alone.
And in the end of that five year battle, I walked away, weary, leaving the fight in a handful of individuals while I licked my wounds.
The Dark Lady appeared before me and took me into her home. I had wanted to find a quiet place for my final rest, but her touch ignited the spark of life once again. And with that Life my pain came back to me in full. My wounds were mostly invisible. How could she understand that which she could not see? I tried to explain them and the words fell on deaf ears.
During that time bandits and worshipers of the Great Beast were stalking me for daring to stand up to their idol. The civilians who "supported me" have no idea how dangerous these zealots are. The Great Beast had thrown its shit at me before and I had evaded quite well, but the zealots eat that shit and spew it everywhere they open their mouths.
Justifications for war, murder, hate, discrimination, slavery. The unenlightened and they glorify themselves in it.
My fear of them was a poison to my wounds. They wracked my soul and mind. Contaminated my nightmares. No one was there to guard us and I was too weak. Those around me were too blind. And in the end my poison seeped into her. She attacked me. I endured. She was relentless with her words and her emotions. I no longer recognized myself. Love stolen from me like a thief in the night. To end the pain I had only one option left, my own death. This life was tragedy and a waste.
Again, I was left alone.
29 January 2017
Lessons Learned part one
"To those who hunt monsters, beware that you do not become a monster yourself."
-Nietzsche
Philosophy is an interesting thing because there are so many different ones out there that I believe it cannot be objective. That's the job of the scientific method, to give us the rules that govern our universe that brook no argument outside of "can it be repeated and observed."
That being said, philosophy's exploration cannot happen without objective science to give us a foundation with which we can launch into the unknown. The questions of why we are here and what does existence mean still matter to us even though science confirms that we are animals who have developed our critical thinking skills to give us a survivalist edge. We build tools to build more tools in order to accomplish tasks that would otherwise be impossible.
In the last 100 years we have seen humanity fight the war to end all wars, harness the power of flight, create a worldwide network of communication, go to war again with those that believe themselves to be superior, send people to the moon, send probes into deep space, world powers competing over limited resources, the military-industrial complex controlling our technological direction, the unification of nations to prevent another world war, the development of technology for governments to kill anyone anywhere in the world with almost no effort... and so many more things that it would take quite a bit of time to list all our accomplishments. We'd still be forgetting many more.
And today it almost seems like we've forgotten all of it or glossed over the details of the lessons we've learned. Sometimes it seems to me that we need a hard slap in the brain matter to get us to focus on what is important. I know for myself it took almost dying and then being left alone to question what the fuck I had been doing with my life and the knowledge of my impending death is what got me to do the right thing no matter what the cost was to myself. In that time since, I've spent it all delving into the whats, wheres, hows, whys, whens, and wherefores. They became my obsession.
The more I learned the more I realized the less I know and could know. How I realized my belief system was wholly inadequate for reality. The bounds of what was comfortable disappeared entirely when recognizing the state I had gotten myself into. Where does one go from there?
My actions in "whistleblowing" were my challenge to my known universe. My upbringing taught me that love conquers all, and I would say that if I had not had that I might have given up a lot sooner. But that foundation didn't give me the tools that I needed to build something solid on it. The materials of my religion and patriotism were flimsy and lacked substance. When challenged they fell apart in shame and guilt. The most difficult part of the whole thing came not from the critics who didn't know me, but from the abandonment by those who did.
I nearly drove myself insane (my current state of sanity debatable) in confronting them. Arguing with them in online forums and social media. I had made sure to read EVERY comment and reply. It is amazing how many people are willing to voice a faceless opinion about something that they know nothing about, and how vile they can be when they don't have to look at you in the eye. Logical fallacies exist everywhere, mostly in their assumption that they know you after reading a small tale. The carelessness of most media outlets didn't help, but I had been prepared for that. I did such a good job of confronting everything that the US media conglomerate went silent in 2015.
And then came the voices of angry veterans. The ones who should have understood where I was coming from. To them, I say, I spent way too much time delving into how you could have treated me the way that you did and say thing things that you've said to me. You were supposed to be my brothers and sisters. I would think that us being used for dishonorable reasons by people who didn't care about your service or sacrifices would merit some sort of outcry. We all know that military leadership is mostly made up of incapable yesmen and there is gross fraud, waste, and abuse of military resources (to include people) happening every day.
I have seen men killed on all sides of the conflict for no reason. I watched helplessly as convoys hit IEDs, when generals order men to get out of their vehicles to instigate fights, compound raids gone wrong, troops in contact situations where we had the capacity to intervene and were ordered to stand down. In my squadrons there were drama and bullshit in abundance. We were disconnected from the war because we were disconnected from ourselves. We developed lazy technology and thought of ourselves as superior. There was no discipline or care among the ranks.
We were told the SOF truths, the Code of Conduct, Core Values. I BELIEVED in them. But in application they failed so thoroughly that I could not sit by and watch our leadership and politicians continue to destroy people's lives for their own greed and selfishness. I applied, and still apply, those in my every day life. And to my military, I do not hate you, I love you. I love you for what you have the capability to be. I love you because I know in my heart that the reason we tell ourselves we fight is so that others don't have to. That we might be the last to have to pick up a weapon but until that point we are going to be the ones that sacrifice heart, mind, body, and soul.
And if you need me to promise you something I can promise you that I never spoke a word that was untrue and that I only want the best for those who are willing to fight when others will not. I want your sacrifices to be for worthy causes. I want your discipline to be a solid foundation beneath your feet. I swear upon the Light and the Dark, the cycle of creation and destruction, my hope that there is a life after this that everything I have done I have done out of love and there cannot be any deceit in love.
This last year my heart has been extremely heavy. I took it very personally, though I probably shouldn't have, that I had not the ability to properly communicate any of this to you. I'm only human after all, and woefully incapable for many of the tasks that I have set before myself. I think in the end I was most frustrated with myself. I have the deepest respect for those that are a part of the military for the right reasons. I know that those who are on the ground see the worst of everything humanity is capable of, including themselves. But I've seen it all. I know what you go through and how the system works from top to bottom. How broken it is.
I have been the victim of many things these last 13 years, but I will not allow them to diminish my fight. In everything, I have been validated on a scientific and philosophical level. We may argue about my faults, but who doesn't have them? We may argue my reasons, but my reasons have been right. I've put them under a microscope, smashed them, threw them across the room. Tested the validity of them. I've confronted the monsters that make up the world and discovered that they are only human like myself, twisted yes, but still human. I, myself, have twisted my being trying to fight them and it nearly did me in.
To those that are reading this my message is harsh, but simple: Be aware that you might be doing it all wrong. For the better part of my life I had been and it took an extreme situation to get me to do otherwise. What I have experienced, the world seems on the verge of experiencing. Do not let it get that far. We need our educators and our scientists to lead us forward in this. We need those that have explored their humanity and have been humbled to be lights along our path. We need to take in what is necessary and discard what is not while not losing who we are in the process.
And we need to beware that we don't become that which we fight against.
-Nietzsche
Philosophy is an interesting thing because there are so many different ones out there that I believe it cannot be objective. That's the job of the scientific method, to give us the rules that govern our universe that brook no argument outside of "can it be repeated and observed."
That being said, philosophy's exploration cannot happen without objective science to give us a foundation with which we can launch into the unknown. The questions of why we are here and what does existence mean still matter to us even though science confirms that we are animals who have developed our critical thinking skills to give us a survivalist edge. We build tools to build more tools in order to accomplish tasks that would otherwise be impossible.
In the last 100 years we have seen humanity fight the war to end all wars, harness the power of flight, create a worldwide network of communication, go to war again with those that believe themselves to be superior, send people to the moon, send probes into deep space, world powers competing over limited resources, the military-industrial complex controlling our technological direction, the unification of nations to prevent another world war, the development of technology for governments to kill anyone anywhere in the world with almost no effort... and so many more things that it would take quite a bit of time to list all our accomplishments. We'd still be forgetting many more.
And today it almost seems like we've forgotten all of it or glossed over the details of the lessons we've learned. Sometimes it seems to me that we need a hard slap in the brain matter to get us to focus on what is important. I know for myself it took almost dying and then being left alone to question what the fuck I had been doing with my life and the knowledge of my impending death is what got me to do the right thing no matter what the cost was to myself. In that time since, I've spent it all delving into the whats, wheres, hows, whys, whens, and wherefores. They became my obsession.
The more I learned the more I realized the less I know and could know. How I realized my belief system was wholly inadequate for reality. The bounds of what was comfortable disappeared entirely when recognizing the state I had gotten myself into. Where does one go from there?
My actions in "whistleblowing" were my challenge to my known universe. My upbringing taught me that love conquers all, and I would say that if I had not had that I might have given up a lot sooner. But that foundation didn't give me the tools that I needed to build something solid on it. The materials of my religion and patriotism were flimsy and lacked substance. When challenged they fell apart in shame and guilt. The most difficult part of the whole thing came not from the critics who didn't know me, but from the abandonment by those who did.
I nearly drove myself insane (my current state of sanity debatable) in confronting them. Arguing with them in online forums and social media. I had made sure to read EVERY comment and reply. It is amazing how many people are willing to voice a faceless opinion about something that they know nothing about, and how vile they can be when they don't have to look at you in the eye. Logical fallacies exist everywhere, mostly in their assumption that they know you after reading a small tale. The carelessness of most media outlets didn't help, but I had been prepared for that. I did such a good job of confronting everything that the US media conglomerate went silent in 2015.
And then came the voices of angry veterans. The ones who should have understood where I was coming from. To them, I say, I spent way too much time delving into how you could have treated me the way that you did and say thing things that you've said to me. You were supposed to be my brothers and sisters. I would think that us being used for dishonorable reasons by people who didn't care about your service or sacrifices would merit some sort of outcry. We all know that military leadership is mostly made up of incapable yesmen and there is gross fraud, waste, and abuse of military resources (to include people) happening every day.
I have seen men killed on all sides of the conflict for no reason. I watched helplessly as convoys hit IEDs, when generals order men to get out of their vehicles to instigate fights, compound raids gone wrong, troops in contact situations where we had the capacity to intervene and were ordered to stand down. In my squadrons there were drama and bullshit in abundance. We were disconnected from the war because we were disconnected from ourselves. We developed lazy technology and thought of ourselves as superior. There was no discipline or care among the ranks.
We were told the SOF truths, the Code of Conduct, Core Values. I BELIEVED in them. But in application they failed so thoroughly that I could not sit by and watch our leadership and politicians continue to destroy people's lives for their own greed and selfishness. I applied, and still apply, those in my every day life. And to my military, I do not hate you, I love you. I love you for what you have the capability to be. I love you because I know in my heart that the reason we tell ourselves we fight is so that others don't have to. That we might be the last to have to pick up a weapon but until that point we are going to be the ones that sacrifice heart, mind, body, and soul.
And if you need me to promise you something I can promise you that I never spoke a word that was untrue and that I only want the best for those who are willing to fight when others will not. I want your sacrifices to be for worthy causes. I want your discipline to be a solid foundation beneath your feet. I swear upon the Light and the Dark, the cycle of creation and destruction, my hope that there is a life after this that everything I have done I have done out of love and there cannot be any deceit in love.
This last year my heart has been extremely heavy. I took it very personally, though I probably shouldn't have, that I had not the ability to properly communicate any of this to you. I'm only human after all, and woefully incapable for many of the tasks that I have set before myself. I think in the end I was most frustrated with myself. I have the deepest respect for those that are a part of the military for the right reasons. I know that those who are on the ground see the worst of everything humanity is capable of, including themselves. But I've seen it all. I know what you go through and how the system works from top to bottom. How broken it is.
I have been the victim of many things these last 13 years, but I will not allow them to diminish my fight. In everything, I have been validated on a scientific and philosophical level. We may argue about my faults, but who doesn't have them? We may argue my reasons, but my reasons have been right. I've put them under a microscope, smashed them, threw them across the room. Tested the validity of them. I've confronted the monsters that make up the world and discovered that they are only human like myself, twisted yes, but still human. I, myself, have twisted my being trying to fight them and it nearly did me in.
To those that are reading this my message is harsh, but simple: Be aware that you might be doing it all wrong. For the better part of my life I had been and it took an extreme situation to get me to do otherwise. What I have experienced, the world seems on the verge of experiencing. Do not let it get that far. We need our educators and our scientists to lead us forward in this. We need those that have explored their humanity and have been humbled to be lights along our path. We need to take in what is necessary and discard what is not while not losing who we are in the process.
And we need to beware that we don't become that which we fight against.
08 November 2016
A Letter to the People of the United States of America
Dear Voters,
Today is the day of to vote for the highest office in our Land, two-hundred and forty years after the birth of our country. And we should be ashamed of ourselves.
If you're reading then then you know about me, but none of you know me. I have stood in front of the principalities and powers that believe they govern our world to speak about what I have seen and done. I have talked with the eldest and the youth, our politicians and policy makers, media personalities and propagandists, friend and foe alike. I exposed the wounds of my heart, mind, body, and soul to all who would listen, shouting in my whispers a cacophony of sorrow and misery. Of betrayal and the grim burning rage that sits where my heart used to be.
And the best that my countrymen can do is stand by while my fellow veterans and I lose ourselves to the madness of war. And the best my fellow veterans can do is turn on one another to defend a loyalty that never existed because we should all know by now that our "service" means nothing. That whenever we hear "thank you for your service" all that echoes in our minds is "thank goodness that isn't me."
And what goodness is there in having to fight in a war without a cause? What goodness is it to send young men to kill and die so that the old men might sleep in their beds, safe with wife and kids? What good have we done when all evident truths point to us as being the cause to our own problems? That twenty-two veterans a day, minimum, kill themselves because they glimpse with despair of the evil in men's souls?
I have heard people say that this generation is a bunch of pussies. I've been told, myself, plenty of harsh things by the ignorant and the uneducated. I've even been called a "Death Cult Leader" by a delusional stalker. Threatened by that same patriot drunk on his own self importance and his fellow blind wannabe haters. I've been rejected by my peers, my fellow veterans, family. Abused, betrayed, and discarded.
I look at all that is going on now in my country, what we have become and all I can think about is that I wasted my time believing in it. Believing in We The People. Believing that my hard work and dedication and love to my Country would matter. That people would listen. That people cared.
I did everything I could to the best of my abilities and it wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I tried. I believed that if I stood up against the bullies of the world then people would stand with me. That my peer relationships and friendships were more than superficial. That I would get more of a response than some fat nobody man-child pilot with a twisted ego acting like an obscene parody of what I was told was a Military Officer calling me a liar because I disagreed with him on Facebook. But my country silently ignored me and hoped that I would simply disappear.
And in that silence I raged. I raged because my peers and former leadership are all cowards. That I served under fools. Whatever happened to "Integrity, Service, and Excellence?" Whatever happened to Swearing an Oath to defend our Constitution, where the preamble starts off with WE THE PEOPLE? Where are the people who follow self-evident truth instead of faith? What has become of E Pluribus Unum? Discarded for trust in a god that doesn't exist?
Our Founding Fathers would be ashamed of us all. Our ancestors would be ashamed that we have ran amok like we have, destroying all rationality through blind faith and willing ignorance.
We are the most interconnected generation in the last 10000 years of recorded history, beyond that is simply speculation. Never before have we had the capability for instantaneous worldwide communication. Never before had we the technology to solve all of our world's issues. The ability to educate and give wisdom that we have today would drive our ancestors mad if they knew we were misusing it and abusing it for personal gain and profit.
We have been warned by many about the abuses we see regularly today. And we ignored them so we shall pay the price. This time the sins of the fathers will be felt by their sons. Our history and our shame available for all to see, recorded and shared for the rest of our species existence.
I hope we're embarrassed by it. I hope we're embarrassed that we let good men and women die for nothing. That we've imprisoned people who have exposed the truth for the benefit of us all and have done nothing. That we did nothing when we could have done everything.
I believed in my country and its people. I was a blind fool. Now I'm tired and sad at everything I see. I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the idiocy that has bombarded my social media and email by people who know nothing and refuse to see anything else but the comforts of their bubble universe. I don't know what to do anymore. I've given everything I could. I have nothing left but sorrow.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. WE HAVE FAILED.
I'm sorry that it had to be in my lifetime. I have no faith in the People any more. I have no faith in governments or principalities or powers. I have no faith in gods or devils, angels or demons. I have seen what we can do and what we can be, both good and bad. I don't need faith to know we can do better, that we can learn. I know there is no such thing as a molecule of mercy or justice in the entirety of the Universe. I know that those are creations of humanity. Things that don't exist outside of us and our interactions with one another. But they are OUR creations. Our gifts that we can give to one another.
I have proved to all who looks what somebody could do alone and wielding Truth. None can challenge me, but I am nothing. A nobody from nowhere. Imagine what you could do together. Imagine if we fought for a better world. If we weren't drowning in terror and propaganda of others telling us what to do and feel and think.
But I imagine that my words will be lost to the darkness, and like many others who have experienced the same, watch as we destroy ourselves over petty differences and self-righteous hate.
I wish I didn't feel such disappointment in people. My people. All Peoples. I wish I could do more. I wish my friends had stood with me. I wish my politicians didn't ignore me. That my fellow veterans didn't hate me. I wish that my family and the community that I had grown up in wasn't blinded by religious dogmatic prejudices. I wish that humanity could show me the better side of itself because all I see is shit.
I hope somebody sees this, but I doubt anyone will. Goodbye, America. Your fantasy will be missed.
-B
Today is the day of to vote for the highest office in our Land, two-hundred and forty years after the birth of our country. And we should be ashamed of ourselves.
If you're reading then then you know about me, but none of you know me. I have stood in front of the principalities and powers that believe they govern our world to speak about what I have seen and done. I have talked with the eldest and the youth, our politicians and policy makers, media personalities and propagandists, friend and foe alike. I exposed the wounds of my heart, mind, body, and soul to all who would listen, shouting in my whispers a cacophony of sorrow and misery. Of betrayal and the grim burning rage that sits where my heart used to be.
And the best that my countrymen can do is stand by while my fellow veterans and I lose ourselves to the madness of war. And the best my fellow veterans can do is turn on one another to defend a loyalty that never existed because we should all know by now that our "service" means nothing. That whenever we hear "thank you for your service" all that echoes in our minds is "thank goodness that isn't me."
And what goodness is there in having to fight in a war without a cause? What goodness is it to send young men to kill and die so that the old men might sleep in their beds, safe with wife and kids? What good have we done when all evident truths point to us as being the cause to our own problems? That twenty-two veterans a day, minimum, kill themselves because they glimpse with despair of the evil in men's souls?
I have heard people say that this generation is a bunch of pussies. I've been told, myself, plenty of harsh things by the ignorant and the uneducated. I've even been called a "Death Cult Leader" by a delusional stalker. Threatened by that same patriot drunk on his own self importance and his fellow blind wannabe haters. I've been rejected by my peers, my fellow veterans, family. Abused, betrayed, and discarded.
I look at all that is going on now in my country, what we have become and all I can think about is that I wasted my time believing in it. Believing in We The People. Believing that my hard work and dedication and love to my Country would matter. That people would listen. That people cared.
I did everything I could to the best of my abilities and it wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I tried. I believed that if I stood up against the bullies of the world then people would stand with me. That my peer relationships and friendships were more than superficial. That I would get more of a response than some fat nobody man-child pilot with a twisted ego acting like an obscene parody of what I was told was a Military Officer calling me a liar because I disagreed with him on Facebook. But my country silently ignored me and hoped that I would simply disappear.
And in that silence I raged. I raged because my peers and former leadership are all cowards. That I served under fools. Whatever happened to "Integrity, Service, and Excellence?" Whatever happened to Swearing an Oath to defend our Constitution, where the preamble starts off with WE THE PEOPLE? Where are the people who follow self-evident truth instead of faith? What has become of E Pluribus Unum? Discarded for trust in a god that doesn't exist?
Our Founding Fathers would be ashamed of us all. Our ancestors would be ashamed that we have ran amok like we have, destroying all rationality through blind faith and willing ignorance.
We are the most interconnected generation in the last 10000 years of recorded history, beyond that is simply speculation. Never before have we had the capability for instantaneous worldwide communication. Never before had we the technology to solve all of our world's issues. The ability to educate and give wisdom that we have today would drive our ancestors mad if they knew we were misusing it and abusing it for personal gain and profit.
We have been warned by many about the abuses we see regularly today. And we ignored them so we shall pay the price. This time the sins of the fathers will be felt by their sons. Our history and our shame available for all to see, recorded and shared for the rest of our species existence.
I hope we're embarrassed by it. I hope we're embarrassed that we let good men and women die for nothing. That we've imprisoned people who have exposed the truth for the benefit of us all and have done nothing. That we did nothing when we could have done everything.
I believed in my country and its people. I was a blind fool. Now I'm tired and sad at everything I see. I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the idiocy that has bombarded my social media and email by people who know nothing and refuse to see anything else but the comforts of their bubble universe. I don't know what to do anymore. I've given everything I could. I have nothing left but sorrow.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. WE HAVE FAILED.
I'm sorry that it had to be in my lifetime. I have no faith in the People any more. I have no faith in governments or principalities or powers. I have no faith in gods or devils, angels or demons. I have seen what we can do and what we can be, both good and bad. I don't need faith to know we can do better, that we can learn. I know there is no such thing as a molecule of mercy or justice in the entirety of the Universe. I know that those are creations of humanity. Things that don't exist outside of us and our interactions with one another. But they are OUR creations. Our gifts that we can give to one another.
I have proved to all who looks what somebody could do alone and wielding Truth. None can challenge me, but I am nothing. A nobody from nowhere. Imagine what you could do together. Imagine if we fought for a better world. If we weren't drowning in terror and propaganda of others telling us what to do and feel and think.
But I imagine that my words will be lost to the darkness, and like many others who have experienced the same, watch as we destroy ourselves over petty differences and self-righteous hate.
I wish I didn't feel such disappointment in people. My people. All Peoples. I wish I could do more. I wish my friends had stood with me. I wish my politicians didn't ignore me. That my fellow veterans didn't hate me. I wish that my family and the community that I had grown up in wasn't blinded by religious dogmatic prejudices. I wish that humanity could show me the better side of itself because all I see is shit.
I hope somebody sees this, but I doubt anyone will. Goodbye, America. Your fantasy will be missed.
-B
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