To Be Near Death

To Be Near Death
***

I had thought I was invincible. 
That I was going to conquer my world. 
Be the King of myself.
God was on my side.
How could I lose? 

Then I met her. 

Death.
Standing watch over me with raven hair and eyes the color of the purest turquoise.
Endlessly piercing the dark haze choking me in that hospital bed. 

Those that I had murdered in the name of God and Country in their infra-red glory.
Legions, it seemed, led by Thirteen that haunted my dreams. 
They stood there.
Waiting.
Emanating patience only the dead know. 
We all make it there. 
Now or later I would meet them in the Place of Judgement,
when mattered not. 
The inevitable weight of Fate.

When my life flashed before my eyes, I saw what was important to me. 
My family. 
Friends.
Love.
And Faith. 
Always that desperately unwavering faith. 

Then I saw myself for what I truly was.
A blind fool. 
A mad idiot.
A lost soul. 
Damned by ignorance.
My faith broke into nothing.

I was alone. 
No ever loving deity.
No only begotten son.
Just I gazing at Death. 

But I would not go quietly into that ghastly night.
I burned with rage at the dying of my light.

I didn't beg her to give me another chance. 
I didn't plead ignorance for my innocence.
All I asked was to make it right.
Restore my honor on my own merit. 

The Universe didn't let her escort me to my Judgement.
On condition that my Dead follow me until my task was finished. 
They would bear witness to my mission.
They would decide when I was done.

So I did.  And they are gone. 

I am alone.  My task is complete.
I am alive.  I don't know what that means.