Magnitude

Dear Taim,

Every day I imagine what adventures you're going on and what ones we will have in the future. I miss you and your mother every day.  I sit here and wonder, "how can I make it all worth it?"

Working my way from under your mother's magical webs upon my heart and mind has been one of the most difficult things that I've had to do.  I'm unsure of how much of what she did was deliberate manipulations or subconscious programming running it's full course, what I am sure of is that it was meant to break me.  I don't believe in coincidences.  Nothing just happens.  Everything has a cause and everything has an effect.

If I were to break out a life's lesson that I've learned from all of this is that the only thing that you have to be sure of is yourself.  Able to stand and face whatever comes your way.  Able to understand and adapt to change.  And able to see that most people are not sure of themselves so they present something that makes it seem like they do.  But they don't and the best they can do is pretend.

But that is also okay, because like Kurt Vonnegut said, "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be."  Growing up I pretended I was a noble knight in King Arthur's Court, one of Robin Hood's Merry Men, teaming up with super heroes to take on villains, rescuing princesses from castles, and traveling across the galaxy fighting to balance the Force.  I wanted to be strong enough to face every evil and monster that would appear in my path.

That's how I have faced all my problems in the past.  Imitation of the ideals that I read and saw and wanted to be present in my life.  It is what the greatest artists do, it was what the Grand Masters taught.  It's how animals learn their survival skills, and how children pick up traits and behaviors from their surroundings.  Here is the coolest part of the whole ordeal:  For us, human beings, it's a deliberate choice on what we learn and how we behave.  We have the opportunity to break above the lower instincts through conscious will alone.

That also means that love and fear are choices.  Without us consciously being merciful, forgiving, and honorable they would not exist.  There is not a single molecule of love, true love, in the universe.  We create it.  The inevitability of time and death drives us forward, always forward.  But do we take each step purposefully?  Do we tell ourselves how we will be? When we find out that we have locked ourselves away, what experiences are we denying ourselves, what would the cycle of the seasons have brought us had we stepped forth openly and in full confidence in who we pretend to be?

We might be only meat popsicles living a finite existence, there might not be anything after this experience.  Whatever energy we are is released back into the ether, only to be recycled into something else.  Who knows?  Who really cares?  Are we really going to waste this limited life over petty grievances?

That's why when I think of your mother and you I am filled with understanding and love.  It's because it's a choice that I make.  All those years of wanting an opportunity to prove to myself that I am true to that which drives my heart, all it took was you and her.  To find the reason to survive.

And survive I will.

Hopefully I'll see you soon.  I want to be a good father to you and regardless of how your mother behaves, I'll still be a good man towards her. That's all I've wanted to be, and the funny thing about life is that until it is tested, it is all just pretend.

Practice being who you want to be, so that when the test comes, you're prepared. In the end, that's all that matters.

Love,

Dad