I have come
to drag you out of yourself,
and take you in my heart.
I have come
to bring out the beauty
you never knew you had
and lift you like a prayer
to the sky.
-Rumi
***
Normally these things I write happen instantaneously, as if they're being pulled out of me by some greater force. With this one, my heart told me to wait. I had to delve deeply and listen, and search for the signs the Universe had to show me for the direction I needed to go.
I am a man who would have said that I had lost my faith. In people, places, gods, and things. I had pursued my dream to the very edge of madness. When my Dark Lady beckoned me, my Malice of Wonderland, I gave in and lost whatever illusion of control I had imagined. Then I lost my hope, my godspark, my will to live. The Demiurge had cast it's trap. My soul had died, but my heart was still beating.
Since the end of February, I've questioned my entire existence. Never have I really done that before. I had always known why I existed, whether that was through God's creation or to seek reparations for the dead. That much had been clear, and will be expanded upon in the next series named PANTHEON, but will only be mentioned here. I had given everything to Melissa. Dredged up every grain of myself, held on because of her and my son, and in the end... it seems like it has been worth nothing. And I had to question: What does that say of me?
I have reached out to find answers only to be spurred with scorn and hate from her friends and family. I know I've done nothing to deserve that treatment. The Norwegian Government has refused to cooperate with me, even to the extent of violating international law and their own civil penal code. I've contacted Lawyers and schools, the US Embassy in Norway... and nothing. It's like the Universe has spurred my existence and everything that I had done means nothing. I was simply used and discarded. Again.
What does that say to me?
I've had very few "Spiritual" experiences outside of the Shamanic realms. Those I had attributed to the imagination, my interpretation of the outer realms with an inner experience. Completely valid and real, sometimes more real than this world, but ultimately I had been unable to integrate it to pursue a balanced life. I had won my war, fought every battle and had overcome, but had been unable to live at peace with myself. And now I have to fight a war that I never wanted. One against the very person with whom I love the most. My Twin Soul. And all I have is myself, and nothing more. No money, no support. Just me. I have to hope that is enough.
It's driven the knife that rests within my heart to my very core. It's bled me dry leaving a husk of grief and sorrow. I had gained my soul back through my deeds, felt the weight of the mountain of duty fall from my shoulders, freed my heart, truly freed it, after over a decade of hiding it away. In my most vulnerable, the knife flashed out of the darkness, for the final killing blow.
I had lain on the floor of my mother's apartment for months, ready for my final breath. It never came. Every day, I'd pull my husk out and greet the day with my dog. I'd practice my yoga and Tai Chi. The prison of my flesh keeping my spirit bound and the universe ignored my cries for freedom.
And in my loneliest of lonely's, Kali Ma came to me. The multi-armed goddess of Creation and Destruction stood over my body, with lust and destructive joy, naked and glorious, a mirrored reflection of the Lover I had left in Norway. Her divine blade came down upon my neck, and whatever was in me holding on, died. I fell from my head and into my heart for the first time. It was there, in the desolate wasteland of my own heart that I had found the treasure I had been searching for, that no intellectual thought could produce. I sat as an observer in my own mind as my intuition tore away at the reality that I had created. I had found my Philosopher's Stone. It wasn't in the mind or body, or even the soul. It was the core of my heart, covered in the grime and dust of negativity, compressed and pressured over the years. The true and hidden driving force behind my every thought and action. Refined through Alchemy, the desperate and needed process for spiritual growth, I held in my hands the seed that would transmute the grief and sorrow, pain and rage, in the the purest substance in the Universe. Unconditional Love.
I said to myself, "what does this mean for me?"
***
The process of inner growth and change isn't a straight line. Like any true creation, it takes many prototypes to get a working design, and like any great scientific discovery it usually happens on accident. And in my case desperation.
When I've searched for answers all I have done is fill my head with knowledge but my application process had been struggling, frustrating, filled with failure after failure. When I would feel like I had gained a measure of control of my life, my feet would be swept out from under me. I eventually gave in to what is known in the Psychological field as "learned helplessness". And in the recent months since my finding of my Philosopher's Stone and my experience with Kali Ma, I've learned quite a bit about my PTSD and how to utilize what I have to combat it.
I've been in a VA inpatient program for almost seven weeks. I've been building a framework for myself to hold together and not collapse when I have to weather more storms of depression that are invoked by my trauma. For many years I had been studying and giving myself the tools confront my shadow and pain, but have had very little success in structural stability. It was like I had thought that simply having the tools would give me the skills needed, and I had continued to build my house upon the sand so that when the storms did come, it collapsed. And collapsed. Over and over again. Until finally my tools had been worn out, bandits had lain in wait for me, and I could do nothing to reassure the ones that I love that everything would be alright.
Now I have education in the skills that I needed to utilize the tools that I already have. Not only that, I have new and innovative tools to use that I had never realized before. I also have my Philosopher's Stone to add to my forge. Where before I would have added my grief and sorrow to the weapon I had created of myself, the one that Shattered into a thousand thousand pieces unsure if I would ever be able to put it back together again the night that I had attempted suicide and then struck my Lady Love in self defense, I now can change the makeup of that weapon utilizing Kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing something with gold.
I no longer have to look at my brokenness with shame and disgust, but with pride of the history that I have overcome. My past and scars are my Legacy. My blade can finally rest, only to be picked up when needed. I am the Master of my Fate, the Captain of my Soul. And I will pick the battles that I want to fight.
My heart is whole and pure once again. And that was the awakening of my solar light.
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