I think that this time alone during the quarantine has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for. It's been like a universal "time-out" from the strange absurdity that life became for a moment. A great deal of breathing room, and reconnecting with some of the reasons that I enjoy life. A remembrance of what life truly means.
I've been working on a few things that are all seeming to run together, and then wondering if it is all even worth it. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, history will be on my side and all it should paint me as is a man who tried to remind us of some old fashioned values before we consumed the world in blood and fire. As far as I'm further concerned, I earned my rank as a Staff Sergeant in the USAF, was officially discharged as, and the only thing I'm really proud of achieving in the military. I worked my ass off after being sabotaged by "office drama". I was one of the best workers that they ever had in the drone community, and they know it. One of the reasons that I have no fear of the consequences of my actions is because I've literally done nothing but tell the truth. And it is better to face that truth now, instead of then. Otherwise our legacy as a nation will be one of histories greatest jokes.
I've heard it said that those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, and those that read history are doomed to watch it repeat. I honestly don't know what anyone really expects my part to be. All of this Whistleblower stuff came about by almost complete accident. Like, I was the fly on the wall of the most inner actions of all military operations. I have no idea what was decided behind closed doors. I was just the atomic tip of the spear. The vision to where the spear must be poked into. The will to which once that spear is released places it to where it needs to go. And I was treated very poorly by my military leadership. What has happened is the consequence of the organization of the United States Air Force in mismanagement of it's core values. Of saying one thing then doing another, training people to value "integrity, service, and excellence", then betraying those values in themselves.
I don't look upon my time in the drone program with any sort of pride other than the amount of work I put in and how well I did it even though I hated doing it every day. I wasn't even afraid to tell people of it. I really really told people, every fucking day I was in how much I hated drones. When I first got into the program, I told the commander of the 11th TRS that I didn't sign up for a job to hunt and kill people and he called me a pussy and a coward, then belittled 2 people in front of the entire squadron for claiming to be conscience objectors. I do not and will never ever glorify anyone whatsoever who was with me in the drone program either. I was shoved into the program because of my moderately high achievements, and my miraculous ability to retreat inward because I couldn't handle the belittlement.
I could handle being yelled at for my mistakes. Basic Training was easier than Wrestling Camp. I couldn't handle belittlement of my character because of something I could hardly express in words but felt strongly of. He got me on the Oath part, I know the power of oaths and the word. My grandfather told me that the only thing a man has of worth is his word, and if you cannot fulfill it then you have no worth. I did my duty with diligence despite the office drama and slovenly politics involved. I don't know how else to express it. I don't know what anyone expected of me.
I can tell you what I expected. I expected my "brothers and sisters" to realize the dishonor that we bring upon our selves in the partaking of the actions involving the war on terror. I realize that I'm not rich or famous, and I don't intend to be. But I have direct experience and knowledge of the deep set of morals that are violated through the use of this technology and the mindset that runs behind it. All I can do is hold up the mirror of truth in front of us and have you look directly into it. I can't change your mind of how you see it or what you accept in what you see, I just have to shine a light and show you the mirror.
In the little brown book the USAF gave me called the "enlisted force structure" it says in the opening paragraph that each rank is not a discarding of the responsibilities of the previous rank but in addition to. It was the thing that saved me in the arguments I had with a few of my supervisors and those higher ranking individuals who found themselves in the program using the younger airmen to make their lives cushy office day jobs so they can spend time with their families and have their base social activities.
Let's not forget the time that I spent 4 months of flying in the year 2009, with no days off because my supervisor at the time "just felt like it." Let's not forget the time when my dog was stolen and I showed up to work in tears and I was told that if I went to go search for my dog I would be reported as AWOL and that I should just forget about it. Let's not forget the time my leave to go say goodbye to my great grandfather, on his deathbed, was take away because they "let too many people go on leave and he isn't immediate family so he's not important." Let's not forget the fact that I treated pretty much everyone kindly regardless of how they treated me. So I will never sing the praises of anyone with whom I worked with, but I will remain silent on what their characters were to me. Your embarrassment can be your own.
There is a quote from Gandalf that I really love, "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage." In my reflections of how my life has gone these last 13 years, I would definitely say that it has been the smallest things that guided me through to where I've been. I've had my own misadventures, like a certain hobbit from the Shire, and maybe not as great a deed as he had for himself, one that was more real than any book could explain.
All I've done, really, is take responsibility for my own deeds, and tried to explain the struggles and changes these interactions have had on me. What I've tried to do is warn people of the consequences of our actions if we don't take that responsibility head on. This goes beyond fable, this goes beyond mythology, or theory, this is direct in-your-face experience and reflection. This isn't about ego, it's about reaping what you sow. So, no, I will not be the leader in any sort of movement or face of any sort of campaign. I have played my part in the world stage, and I really desire nothing further in it. I did everything I did to find peace in my soul, which I have, I didn't come to save the world. Who would want to save our wretched society? I will separate myself from it as much as possible so that when everything does fall apart I will not fall to karma's scythe.
In every era of history there are people that warn the world societies and the societies rarely listen. It seems that we're of the category of not listening. The smallest and least of us are treated horribly. The wealth of our country is paid with the blood of innocents. The debt of the nation is placed upon our children and our children's children's children. We've the sick and tired and hungry and have done nothing to comfort them. We dishonor the spirit of Liberty, Freedom, and War for the sake of the comfort of a few.
Look upon yourself, America, and weep for lost potential, despoiled by evil men who parade about in the Emperor's New Clothes, under the banner of religion and false prosperity. Who have led the world to war and ruin simply to pad their own pockets with wealth. Look upon what we have brought forth since our birth. I weep for you, for the lies you had me believe. You could have been the chosen one, but instead, you're retarded. I mean that in the most derogatory of senses. As in a plant that was given poison instead of nutrients and still grew, but not to it's potential. As in a child not learning discipline and self-control then given the powers of an adult. But who is to promote your growth if not yourself? With media in our faces every day, and the ability to have direct-live information fed to you, can we make that leap of faith in maturity? Can we finally be everything that we can be and more, because we have the power to simply do it? Turn my weeping from sorrow and grief to joy and exultation. Let me be a witness to your humbling and rise, instead of your crumbling and fall. Help us, oh Spirit of America the Beautiful. Save us from ourselves.
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