07 September 2020

...Assemble!

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"Good is not who you are, it is what you do."
— Kamala Khan
***

I have just finished the main campaign of the new Marvel Avengers Game on my PlayStation4. Having spent this quarantine in mostly isolation has given me a lot of time to just focus on reassembling my life, I've spent a lot of that time reconnecting with the stories of my childhood, the ones that inspired me to stand up against the evil forces that I've encountered in the world. We humans tell ourselves many stories in our day to day lives. Much of what we believe about the world, is in fact, imaginary. 

Don't worry, all of us do it. Hardly any of us know why we are here, and most of us feel it's for more than to simply suffer existence. Some of us have been told that we are separate from god, born into sin, yadda ya, etc, etc, and for those of us that have dug deep into that, we find an empty hole on the other side, and the spiritual food little more than baby food, unfit for the spirit of a mature being. Hardly anyone can make any progress in the spiritual realms because survival in the physical realms isn't governed by fairness and honor. 

If we look at the modern iteration of the Church, it's just as backwards as it was in the days of their messiah figure. The government and military that I had served danced their illusions in front of my face and I fell for them as sure as anyone else did. There are many ways to be led astray, and none of the institutions in place are doing their best to do otherwise. The press, pulpit, politicians, scientists, schools, military, corporations... all vying for our attention pulling us asunder, creating pressures we've hardly known in our history. 

I've done the best that I could. I never wanted power, because I know that power corrupts. I never wanted wealth, because I know it would have been dishonorable to profit from the experiences Death has given me. As well as, the responsibility of wealth is not mine in this lifetime. I feel like I've done my part, like many men and women have in the past, share a deep warning to a society treading the wrong path, and like many others, ignored. I always searched for people to share the responsibility of doing good. My experiences have been wholly unique, and to be honest, the trials absurd, as how do you deal with a 45 year old male stalker whose entire basis for not liking you is his "gut feeling." The police certainly didn't do anything when he was threatening me under many different pseudonyms, terrorizing my social media, followers and friends. Yet, they threw me in jail because the idiot claims he knows something about me from his stalking my online profiles. 

When I told people that we were doing, they tried to make the issue about my character, but there is a reason my callsign was Church. They got me to fall in love and they broke my heart, stealing the very thing that I wanted most in my life. There are so many devious and stupid people in the world that it strikes me as odd that all of them believe that they will get away with it. I don't believe that justice will ever come to me in this lifetime, and really don't believe that there is justice in this world other than a concept that we have to strive for and that most people throw around indiscriminately. 

If god does exist and will judge us for what we have done, I do not believe he will have mercy on their souls. They will be as described in their biblical texts as that which produces bad fruit will be thrown into the fire. I have nothing but pity for these creatures, for they are less than men. Betrayers of the Brotherhood of Mankind. For them I can only weep. 

I have given everyone that has crossed my path a chance to treat me well. I do not go looking for fights, I have only simply done what I've been instructed to do my whole life and that is to use my own judgement to do what is right. No entity in existence can take that from me. Even though I did horribly wrong by allowing myself to be manipulated into murder for the US Government, I still, in the end of all things, did what is right. It was horribly painful. 

It destroyed my heart, mind, body, and spirit. All I had to offer was the best of myself, of which I gave, and to which the worst in mankind sought to tarnish. Rat Fatnearson, my stalker, could have been one of the good guys. He was given every opportunity to stand by what is right and he just, the fuck if i know, he just did his own vigilante bullshit. Where we could have been standing up against corporations corrupting the US Military and murdering across the world, he decides to spend all his time and effort to try and discredit me. It breaks my heart. I found out recently that his wife works/ed for Raytheon, Monsanto, and other mega corps. Which is why I get to dismiss everything about him because he's a toon. 

I recently had another experience, where a "brother" of mine sent me a terrible message after I told him and his idiot sidekick to wear a fucking mask and to take the contagion seriously. I felt like I wanted to break his legs to remind him what it was like to be in pain. It was like all the pain that I have ever felt in all my experiences was welling to the surface and he was the focus of my laser wrath. 

Then I realized that he was just another manipulator and liar, like so many others. It wasn't worth my time or energy. I once tried to beg, I once tried to fight, I've done many things to try to fix relationships, and this one is just another one I have to let go. Every time I invite somebody into my circle I always have this Spongebob and Patrick best friend forever montage play through my head. It hurts when I find that I'm simply deluding myself. 

But through this process, I've remembered my deepest self and I have come into greater peace within me. While I read the stories of heroes and those that are stepping up to be those heroes, I could never be more than a mountain man just trying to save his own soul. 

If there are heroes out there. I wish you the best of luck, and may the Force be with you. 

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