Moral Injury

I feel that the longer that I live and understand the horrors of the modern world, the deeper my heart wound gets. 

When I started this journey, it truly was one of repentance and belief in a "if we could just see the error of our ways" ideology. In my youth I was taught about Man's "Fall from Grace", Biblically, but to me that was just a story. Maybe growing up in Missoula, isolated mostly from the outside world, prevented me from seeing the state of mankind. I even went into the military being told that we were fighting against "God's enemies."

I had no understanding of anything. I still don't, but I really didn't back then. I attribute my personal success from a combination of innocence and stupidity. Innocent of anterior motives, and stupid enough to believe that there might be some inherent goodness in man. I criticize myself harshly, but, I did follow Biblical instruction and it led me... here.

I see emptiness all around. I find my own countrymen, my own neighbors, have threatened my very life. My local police and government have already put me in danger multiple times, and the funny thing about this whole affair, is that NEVER ONCE EVER SINCE I killed for the military industrial complex have I ever wanted or declared to ever want to again, feel that stain on my soul. 

That seems to be threatening to people. And when I call for final accountability of my government officials who not only continue to fraudulently waste taxpayer money on frivolous bullshit, have given themselves a $9 hour raise in a time of crisis. It's been 2 years since I called it out. Since I learned the character of the people of my hometown. The Jury was excellent, but the people of Missoula, the people I called friend? Failed me. There just is no other words, and they continue to do so. 

I think it is in poor judgement that people on social media keep "referring me" to mental health. I spent years in therapy, and I traveled to do plant medicine. My mental, spiritual, and emotional health are the best they've been. My anger does not stem from any sort of madness. It comes because I have a wounded heart, and instead of comfort and care from not only my community but my own country, I was ostracized and outcaste.

I stained my soul in the name of "freedom and democracy," and in return I got a fat disgraced Major who thinks that he can make a name for himself by calling me a liar and getting people to threaten my life. In return all I can see is everything in our society covered in blood. When I smell oil, I also smell the burn pits in Iraq. When I see the state of the State, and that we have truly been misled, I feel sickness deep within that I gave up my purity for that. For the People of my Country to shit on me, turn their backs on me, and for our political and business leaders to continue to destroy everything that I was told I gave my heart and soul and mind and body for. 

To know that whenever I reach out to anyone for help, I'm being monitored, tracked, and interfered with. That no government agency will interact with me out of respect for my "differences" aka whistleblowing, with the government. I mean, the reason I blew the whistle in the first place was because rules were not being followed, and I've been verified about that on every media outlet in the world as well as 32 Academic, peer-reviewed, publications to date. All I want is for shit to work, and to feel whole again. Is that too much to ask?

Can you not see my hurt at what it is that we have done and become? I see myself as no different than those that I criticize, because I was in it myself. I started off in basic training as the Midnight guard and toilet cleaner. I was the lowest of us all, before you all thought I was less than nothing. 

I didn't do anything I did for fame, fortune, adventure. It has not been a pleasant journey, though I have had several pleasant moments. I finally am at peace with myself. I no longer hate myself. But I still think that our modern society is the vile stain of Babylon's leftovers. I still think that nothing that I have done has any real significance. Nothing really changed, people just accepted it. The people that listened to what I had to say only used it to verify their own beliefs, without ever caring about me as a person. I was told that everyone sees me as a murderer who walks free, and it's hard to be friends with a murderer. 

There is a saying in Africa, "The speaker of Truth has no friends." I think my grandfather tried to prepare me for it. It's Biblical even. "A prophet is not without honor, except in his own country and own hometown." I don't consider myself anything but I do know the sin that will drown America in its own karma is happening right now, and in this moment I'm telling you"

Repent, for the End is upon us. Not in any Apocalyptic sense, but in that we don't know when that will be, the signs of the times seem dire indeed. I fear that our poisoning of the planet has gone beyond the point of no return. If we have to face a judgement in the afterlife, let it be knowing we did our best, even with our wounded hearts. 

Coming up next, The Yu Li Ch'ao Chuan, or Divine Panorama.