Farewell to Arms

HIS golden locks Time hath to silver turn'd; 
         O Time too swift, O swiftness never ceasing! 
His youth 'gainst time and age hath ever spurn'd, 
         But spurn'd in vain; youth waneth by increasing: 
Beauty, strength, youth, are flowers but fading seen; 
Duty, faith, love, are roots, and ever green. 

His helmet now shall make a hive for bees; 
         And, lovers' sonnets turn'd to holy psalms, 
A man-at-arms must now serve on his knees, 
         And feed on prayers, which are Age his alms: 
But though from court to cottage he depart, 
His Saint is sure of his unspotted heart. 

And when he saddest sits in homely cell, 
         He'll teach his swains this carol for a song,-- 
'Blest be the hearts that wish my sovereign well, 
         Curst be the souls that think her any wrong.' 
Goddess, allow this aged man his right 
To be your beadsman now that was your knight.

-George Peele, ~1500s to Queen Elizabeth

***

I hope that when history looks back in time to view us they look upon us with sorrow instead of distaste. I hope they look mercifully in their judgement, that many of us were acting not out of ignorance, but out of naivete. However, on the trajectory that we are on it seems that hope will have abandoned us for there is only one end on this path: extinction.

I think my end of things has been more of stupidity than anything else. Naivete means that I was blind to what I had right in front of me. Stupidity succeeded where ignorance could not; by being unaware of the obvious truth that was shining it's headlamp directly into my face believing that we couldn't be the ones in the wrong. I just wasn't seeing the whole picture. I should trust my leadership.

I did, as they abused and mistreated me for a misdeed that I didn't even commit. Punishing me for meaningless things, degrading my sense of right by telling me to not questions decisions made by higher ranking individuals. They told me that it was "god's will" for me to do this and for me to kill those people. For me to feel this way about what we have done. All the while isolating me from my peers.

It forced me inward. Beat me into a lonely contemplation, wondering how humanity could ever be this way towards one another. I was a soft hearted person. I have grieved the loss of many things since this whole military bullshit began, but I have grieved for nothing more than the loss of my dreams of who I could be.

After this last interview on RT, I always like to check the comments section for the amount of bullshit I'm going to have to defend myself from. There is nothing more that I hate than lies, I've suffered enough of that filth and it comes from insecure and jealous individuals. I don't know why they would be insecure about me or jealous of me. I hate what I've done and what I've had to go through. I've hated the fact that I compromised myself because I trusted a bunch of fucking idiots who never wanted to wage a righteous war for a good cause. To "save the world" as it were. They were terrorists who use the souls and the blood of their own youth to power their money making, world consuming, war machine.

And these people, their judgements make me laugh with delight because it proves directly many of the psychological phenomenon I've been learning about and discussing with my therapist. I find it amazing that with all the world's knowledge at our fingertips we've allowed our reason and our minds to grow soft and dull, allergic to reading or deep thought.

Fuck, no one ever reads my shit or even listens to what I say. I mostly get messages from sympathetic women, but I don't know how to respond to those other than to apologize. The others are usually some sort of speaker of the "good news" trying to save my soul from the pits of Tartarus by worshiping their true deity, or messages of pure toxic venom that I can do nothing more than be astounded that anything like that could exist in a human being. But as far as I can tell, no one ever reads or listens to what I have to say. They just respond to what's inside of them and throw it at me.

I've not benefited one bit from doing what I've done. It's destroyed my life and my ability to trust others. I've been manipulated, degraded, humiliated, ostracized. I have an Honorable discharge from the USAF, served in the Special Forces Unit the 3rd SoS (more like a warm body to fill a needed slot, but I gave them the best performance I could and left with a clean record despite all the fucking shit I had to deal with.

Then they betrayed me when i started listening to my heart and following the news of drone activity. I've educated millions of people, inadvertently, on the truly dangerous moral grounds we prowl with what we're doing. If any higher divine entity exists, then history will curse the United States and it's allies for what they have done in the name of willful ignorance. Choosing to abuse the powers that it had been given for the most very wrong of reasons.

So I don't really know what it is that I'm supposed to do. I've outmanuevered and overcame every challenge that I've been given so far. Not gracefully, but intact. The very fact that I'm alive after some of the shit that people have said to me, while the government authorities have brushed me off with a shrug when I brought to them my concern of my own safety.

This last October I had 4 polyps removed from my intestines that were giving me an extreme amount of pain. These last 5 years have seen me lose 50 lbs, a slow wasting away while I struggle to hold on to that elusive fable of the Will to Live.

I had a friend that spent the day with me when I was having a PTSD moment from when the Norwegian Police beat the fuck out of me, and I had been called by the Sheriff's Department because I have to pay Norway child-support, while they deny me access to my son. The true irony of the whole thing is that Norway is my ancestral home. They took my story. Made a butt-load of money off of it while still profiting off of war and oil. Manipulated the fuck out of me, then stole my child while playing with my heart. Now they're stealing my pension from me. A fully socialized country who has profited off of my pain is now stealing my disability and no one fucking cares. I have a letter from my own government telling me that what they're going to do is illegal but I should cooperate anyways, and when I didn't they just stole my money directly from my pay. How fucking dishonorable.  What an absolute disgrace.

If any country in the world deserved to be cursed by whatever gods that exist, may it be Norway. I can't think of a more vile thing that anyone could do while professing to be a champion of peace and ecological living. They owe me a blood debt, and however it is that they pay it will be up to them.

While I was explaining this to him he reminded me of, "what my heroes would do." Not just real life heroes but my mythological ones too. I had told him that my Ishta-devata, the object of my heart, was to be a good father to my son. He reminded me that my personal war with the United States over what they have done to me is counter active to pursuing my life as a father. So I placed myself into my son's position and thought of what I would have wanted had I been where he is. It's not fair what has happened to either of us. My father was willfully absent. My son's mother is willfully keeping him from me as a way to hurt me while I watch my health drain from my body. My time is short and in my last days I have been left to die alone away from my only dream which was to be a good father and husband while serving the greater good.

Yeah, I do not have a happy attitude towards those that have hurt me. I can forgive but I can never forget. I know that maybe in a few hundred years, history will give me my justice by proving that I was right about everything. But knowing that right now, and the end of this life will be spent in sorrow and grief before the lights go out.  Don't mourn for me, I do not deserve such gratefulness for my life. Mourn with me for who we've become.

I know I'm not perfect, but I do know that I am a good man, despite what I had been encouraged to do. I wouldn't be tearing myself apart over this whole mess if I wasn't. I am forever a murderer. I'm not a hero, I don't think I could ever be. Who would admire me? I am a servant to duty. That's all I could ever be. It's the only thing I know how to be successful at. The question is, what is my duty when all my obligations have been filled. I don't owe the world anything, though many have stolen from me, openly, I forgive all debts and trespasses. I no longer feel that I will suffer for what I have done, but many will for what they have done. However, that's not my concern. Karma will deal with that.

Yet again, I can't turn my back on my upbringing and core ideals. Regardless of how the world works that shouldn't change how I work. I just don't know what to do, what else I can do. Is speaking out enough? Do I have to get involved in politics? That would probably make me want to kill myself truly. Though my record would probably be the cleanest any male political figure would have in the recent decades. I've left plenty of ammo for people to use against me, yet instead of using real shit they just throw made up shit all over the place.

But anyways, politics would drive me madder than I already am. I don't need that shit in my life. I just want to help make the world a better place so my son and his generation don't have to be in a world where war and violent conflict are normal things and love is scarce. I don't want to die knowing that I did more harm than good in the world. I don't want to leave without hope for our future.

So where do I begin?