Shade and Water

"My water is yours and the shade of my household will welcome you."
-Aiel Chieftain's greeting,
Wheel of Time Series
by Robert Jordan

***

I'm going to wax poetically here, simply because I'm in that kind of mood.

I once used to have a few dreams that repeated through out my life. When I think about them they play like movies in my head, and since learning certain mediation techniques I've been able to gather greater detail. I've also had instances in my life where I've felt that the dreams have been "fulfilled" yet what they actually completed I still have no idea. I don't think I'll get those answers in this lifetime.

The ancients say that once you achieve certain states of mind and spirit they can never be taken from you. Once you open the doors of perception you can never close them again. In order to see these things as they truly are one must "know thyself," nosce te ipsum, as written on the entryway to the Oracle of Athens. If we are to probe the mysteries of nature we must know what we are working with in our selves. We must dedicate time and discipline to this task.

If we are to follow the path of the ancients, they valued the dream state and the access to it more than we do today. The aboriginals of Australia see no difference between the dream and the waking state. The Vedas tell that the Dream is the true state of being and this world that we believe is the "waking world" is only temporary and not the true home of the self. The mystics of the ages have sought access to this realm across all religions, philosophies, and faiths. It is the state of supreme ecstasy and joy. It is where the self is reunited with the Eternal, and freedom of expression is found without judgement, spontaneous in action, where cause and effect are one.

In my dreams, there have always been two expressions of feminine energy. One of Death and one of Life. In my youth I desperately wanted to avoid death, and in my transition into manhood I was faced with my own mortality and loss of life, and I had sacrificed my essence for an unwinnable cause. It didn't end up being what I wanted it to be, but I have given everything that I could.

The moment that I stopped facing Death, that I surrendered to her, that I mocked her power over me, the woman who became the mother of my son barreled into my life and I suffered a fate better than a physical death. It was a death to everything that I had ever believed about myself and my relationship with the universe. She was Kali-Ma incarnate, the destructive transformation of the Nurturing Durga, the great Protector Goddess of Hindu myth. The demons of guilt and failure were eating at me and the more that we slayed the more they multiplied. With her divine blade, Kali cuts off the head of the demon leader, which symbolizes a man's ego, so he can finally live in his heart.

Melissa helped me see the world for how it truly is and I gained a deeper understanding of human behaviors. She was/is the Shade of my Heart. She saved me from myself in a way that no other scenario or person could have. It was as if she, herself, had been pulled from the darkest parts of my soul in order for me to confront those parts of myself. Why the universe would bother, I don't know.

For over 11 years I walked the path of Death and she was the accumulation of it. It has taught me mercy and compassion and forced me to address my own pain and grievances even further, unable to deny their source or the lasting effects.  I finally get to step into the light of life. I don't know what to do with it. I got a taste of what it could be like, and as quickly as my lips touched the Water of Life, it was whisked away from me. I'm left in bewilderment and confusion.

I have no idea why Lady Fortune is as fickle as she is. We simply have to live with whatever comes our way without attachment to the results, simply hoping that our intent and our love is enough, that our mistakes are forgiven, and we realize that we are free from whatever chains of bondage we believe are holding us in place.

Sometimes we are caught in a whirlpool of energy, and we cannot escape it's force. We simply have to lay back and put our feet forward, hoping that wherever we end up won't be the final resting place. The interaction with these supreme forces of consciousness, ultimately evoking a complete transformation of the person, is unavoidable, though our decisions afterwards are our own, giving us the alchemical mixture of fate and free will within our souls.

I'm not sure if there is a secret formula or a secret ingredient that we can find that will make everything work out in the end. I'm unsure of many things right now in my life. I do know my own worth. I know what I've experienced and what I've accomplished. I'm not really proud of what I've done but I am proud of who I have become because of it. I can live, even if I don't know what to do with it.

A final note, I don't know how many mistakes any of you have made in your life, but they never stop. Mistakes are what help us grow, together and alone. I hope that you are gentle with yourself and others. I hope that you are true to yourself and others.

May you find your dreams come true.