All Is Fair (Poetic Interlude)

Strangely enough
I am happily married
to a woman who has caused me
no end to misery.
To be able to endure
the barbs of her tongue
grants me the freedom
to roam.
For if her bosom
was a welcoming embrace
then maybe
I'd call it a home.

The Trick,
I see,
is boyish glee
wielded with the competence
of a man
and if troubles do befall
a laugh is what we'll have.
For I have Love
sealed upon my heart
and if there is anything else
I've seen,
it's that we'll have
the chance
to do it once again
from the beginning
for eternity.

All Is Fair (Part 2)

"If you know yourself and your enemy, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War

***

My entire life changed once I entered the Military recruiting station in Missoula, Mt on the evening of the 12th of December, 2004. The Daily Mail, a British Tabloid, said that I had "accidentally" entered the military. By far the funniest thing I'd ever read about myself, and still a pretty sore point for some of the stupidest people on the planet. Because I've never done anything "accidentally."

I simply had no scope of the shit I was getting myself into. I had originally signed up to be a 1T0, SERE Instructor, but due to my aptitude scores I was shoved over into the intelligence school. Which was the worst mistake of my entire life (so far) because it led to the greatest things in my entire life. Probably how it should go anyways.

I was never meant to be a soldier. I just needed to be familiar with the training and lifestyle. Like all things that I do, I gave it my entire heart. Even after the people that I worked with shit all over my social life.  But then again, that ended up perfectly fine because none of those people are worth the salt in their blood in the first place. Since my accident, I've really had to think about WHY it was I even placed myself into the position that I did to join the military.

It was the first time I ever had thought I could love a person. She was two years younger than me, we met online through our Hotmail profiles. I thought it was a joke at first. I had friends that I had met through Diablo II and AOL, but she had sent me a flirty message about the picture that I had taken.  She didn't have one up, so I politely asked for one back so I could give her a respective compliment.

It wasn't the auburn hair or the color of her eyes, though now I don't even remember the color exactly, it was the fiery spirit that was emblazoned upon her face, as in "nothing could conquer me." That was the first time I think I truly fell in love. And I couldn't believe it.

We talked. So much that we went over our minutes and she had to pay a stupid large phone bill. I had free calling in the US (yeah, that was a new thing), she didn't. I lost contact with her in the beginning of December 2004, but I remember her telling me that she thought that men in uniforms were sexy, and apparently that was enough of a drive for me to talk to the Air Force recruiter that night on the 12th when I had taken one of my friends to see the Army recruiter. We know enough of that story at this point.

What we don't know is that I would have backed out had she not convinced me that we were going to join up together, and then when I had signed the papers I called her to find out that she had backed out at the last second. We were supposed to sign the papers "together." I didn't hear from her again until after Basic Training. I had decided to try to call her to see if her number was still connected. She answered the phone, and her voice melted away all doubts and fears.

***
I must only love.

Love is the mind-melter.

Love is the little-sun that brings total illumination.

I will face my love.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And where it has grown I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the love has grown there will be blossoming. Only light will remain. 

***

We reconnected for a few weeks before she disappeared completely.  Maybe it's not important what we talked about other than I was reminded of why I loved her in the first place. Sure, she lied to me and played games with my heart and head, but love surpasses all of that. Even though I no longer "love" her today, my entire life changed because of it. I wouldn't have done most of the things in my life without that prompt of life. That awakening of desire to find my other half. 

I've killed, been beaten, pushed myself beyond my limits many many times.  And it's all been for love. All of it.

And I couldn't have asked for a more glorious adventure. 

All Is Fair (Part 1)

"Love and war are all one . . . It is lawful to use sleights and stratagems to . . . attain the wished end."
-Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervante

***

I can think of no other stark polar opposites than Love and War, save perhaps Life and Death. But then again, they're one and the same.  I have spent a long time thinking about this subject.  Examining, ingesting, digesting, practicing, adjusting, applying...  It's an endless cycle, but one that needs to be maintained.

I think this grimness of thought has always been with me. Having been the only male in my family of my generation for the first 10 years of my life, with the only other male members of my family not having much involvement in my direct upbringing, I've always been of the mind of discovering my own place in the world.  From the very beginning I have been a Seeker. The world wasn't harsh, it just was. The environment that I was in flourished with love and struggle, with love always coming out on top.

I heard tales of my grandpa, Lanny Bryant, and his journey to his Legend.  About his life philosophy, mixing Christian mysticism and the sport of Wrestling, and his wonderful faith that had been cultivated in him by his own Father. I have never met a man more honorable in my entire life.  And today, I honor him in planting the acorn of the warrior in my heart, because it has grown into a mighty Oak. Even though we disagree in matters of religion, I know we march to the same beat in terms of heart and soul.

I once heard Joe Rogan say, "show me a great man who is the son of a great man," well, I just showed you the son. And where my grandpa gave me the heart to persevere, my Great-grandfather gave me the strength to love through his daily practice and devotions of it in his life. He was a Christian Mystic through and through.  His every breath was giving worship to his god and the life that he had been given.  If anyone could have been said to have achieved the Christ-consciousness in this era, he'd be in the running for sure. And the way that he looked at his wife, with complete adoration and love, made it easier to fight against immediate gratification of my carnal desires, and the then satisfaction of them more complete. 

The best compliment I could give of these men is that they truly walk with God.

In my own struggles I pull from the wisdom that these men have given me, and in fact have found it repeated in many other places throughout history, in different religions and philosophies.  But I believe the greatest part about it is that they work in practical application. Beyond their greatness, they have truly shown me what it means to be a "good man." Through that goodness, I have come to understand the virtues and fruits of the soul.

I can think of no better time to share what they have taught me and what I have learned. I have journeyed far and wide, both inside and out. I have repaired my heart and soul with my own work. And I have fought for the opportunity of my lifetime without any deceit. I can tell you this as somebody who has fought for both love and war. If you fight in war, you fight in deception, but if you fight in love, it can only be in truth.  That's the difference, and that is why in both, all is fair. 

The Ashes of Eden

Maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we walked through hell
covered in the Ashes of Eden.

The Way is never easy,
it is a hidden Path.
It is found through
heart's broken door
grief is the key
to find the love
that was lost

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we carry with us
memories of the beauty of Eden

Let us breathe in
our sorrows,
and feel the weight
upon our shoulders
not make us weak,
but stronger in wisdom
broaden our compassion.

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we planted a garden
with the remembrance of Eden.

Through the seasons
and the passing of time
we live the Way
the home we build
holds all the treasures
of the world
we have discovered

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we have built it
out of the Ashes of Eden.

With This Ring...

How many times have I sat here, staring at my computer screen, trying to come up with the right words...

I've carried a ring in my pocket ever since I had heard that my son had been conceived. It's black titanium with a woven band, as dark and hard and beautiful as his mother's heart, with 7 rubies, her birthstone, like drops of blood fresh, a promise of life.

This is what this thing means for me today.

An engagement that will never be. A tragedy that was never given an opportunity to be anything else. For a while I pretended that it was my magical ring of shielding, and it protected my heart and mind from harm. I had to remind myself, that it was MY love that conceived that child, and it has always been my dream to be a good father and husband.

When I had started my journey from home, never did I think I would end up where I have been. I don't even know what to say. Today, my heart is the heaviest that it has ever been.  I don't even know what to do.

I wish for a Solstice miracle, to be honest.  I'm all out of options.

So maybe I'll tell you the reason I have such faith in love and kindness. Even if I lack such in myself at times. It's not some storybook fantasy of gods and romances.  I saw it, right before my eyes, and of all the things that I've sought in this world it was to exchange the acknowledgment of existence from somebody who knew who you were and loved you, all of you.

My great-grandparents exchanged that dance every morning that I could remember and it was the most beautiful thing that I think I could have seen before I met the mother of my son. And I wonder if my foolishness in wanting this for myself has led to so much disarray in my romantic life.  The problem being is that I've been absent that instruction, like many, except for what has been portrayed through a glass wall.

I've done my best to not leave any broken hearts, and I've for sure done a damn fine job of forgiving those that have broken mine.

Through vivid imaginations, then did I dream of her. She took contrast from my light within her void, and I was the source for all she felt divine.  I chased that dream through war and strife. And had it torn from me through greed and envy. I grew up believing in the greater good and honor and justice.  I see, now, that they are not inherent in humanity but needing of cultivation daily.  These are not things that are given to one, but that we give in opposition.

If I were to wish to see honor and justice and love prevail, I have to be the one to cultivate it within myself, establish a ripe and growing fruit, then sow the seeds amongst those that I meet in my life. And that maybe, my grand-children could one day sit in a society that has been blessed by a more enlightened design.

I have been present to bare witness to the worst that humanity has to offer in this world and the next. Hopefully, 2018 will show me the better side of life.

Fuck this stupid bullshit, Melissa.  I love you. After everything that I've seen and heard, the fact that I can still say that shit surprises me. But I've searched deep within myself, deep withing the withering core of my miserable existence, I found life and love.  It's miserable, and stupid, and I keep thinking to myself, "why is my heart such a glutton for such punishment?"

And I remember Thanksgiving of 2015, when we were dancing in Laura's house and I saw you.  And if a demon were to find me now in my loneliest of lonelies, and he offered a chance to experience it all again, the pain, the sorrow, the heartache.... for that one moment in your gaze I saw you, the true you, and I said to myself, "I hope that I never forget her face or that clever glint in her eyes. And I hope I never lose the love that I see reflected back at me."

And now I wonder if I'll ever see them again with anything resembling love in them. And my heart mourns while i sit here and wait for a Solstice miracle, with a ring that once represented all my hopes and dreams, wondering if that's all they will be.

PANTHEON: Introduction

“Your head's like mine, like all our heads; big enough to contain every god and devil there ever was. Big enough to hold the weight of oceans and the turning stars. Whole universes fit in there! But what do we choose to keep in this miraculous cabinet? Little broken things, sad trinkets that we play with over and over. The world turns our key and we play the same little tune again and again and we think that tune's all we are.” 
― Grant Morrison, The Invisibles, Vol. 1: Say You Want a Revolution

Near Pavilion Wyoming, I watched an event that has been classically portrayed in our mythologies as a portent of worldly doom.  Something that we now know as simply another turning of the celestial clock that we as conscious beings can stand in witness, awed by events more massive than we. Maybe the universe in us wants to be seen with its twin. And mine was somewhere lost in the void. So there, I stand alone with my heart and my fire transfixed by that void, like the sun's corona entwining around the dark side of his love for the whole of humanity to see.  And maybe in that mythology, Sol's love for Luna is seen as so pure, that it contains her darkness for all of us to see with our naked eyes.

If only it could be so easy to describe the novelties of human love. We have thousands of poets who scream at us through their obscure whispers of what they think it could be.  But it's never the same once you experience it.  And once you understand that what we experience is a tender glance while the universe carries on its celestial dance...  How much time have we wasted being distracted by inconsequential matters? Did I not give it all to love to overcome the greatest obstacle we all face, did I not bare my heart and soul, sacrifice my ego upon the alter of truth, only to have it wither into nothing?  And yet my finite existence within this universal timepiece ultimately means nothing, to be washed away with the winds and the tides.  The universal clock keeps ticking.  I keep breathing.

What did I ever want from this life? I never wanted this.  Never this.

The stories we tell help us understand our selves and the universe around us. What connects us to one another. Family ties, friendships, lovers, enemies, and even the random people that cross our paths. We weave ideas of where we belong and what we own, our interactions between our feelings reality. Outlining our identities and our sense of power.

Telling stories drives the human spirit.  Through the dark and the light.  We weave or the universe weaves for us.  We don't always have a choice, either. No matter if we are at the top of the mountain or being overran by a freight train, the universe keeps on going.

Are we adventurous enough to still climb that mountain after falling into a ravine?  Are we more powerful than the locomotive that directly confronts our soul? Or are we the skeletal remains at the bottom of that ravine, a testament to human limitations and a sign of risk for those who go to far..? or maybe for those who don't go far enough.

Do we possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as needed? When we've reached the edge are we willing to jump into the Abyss?  Can we create as God creates?  Met out Life and Death in equal fervor, balancing on the cusp of an atom, with solid and unmovable footing?

How do we tell these stories? Where do we start?  What principals govern our universe and to what Laws are we bound to?  How free are we to be an image of our Creator?What images of our world stay with us in our dreams?

With these questions, I'm going to create a Pantheon.

To Be Near Death

To Be Near Death
***

I had thought I was invincible. 
That I was going to conquer my world. 
Be the King of myself.
God was on my side.
How could I lose? 

Then I met her. 

Death.
Standing watch over me with raven hair and eyes the color of the purest turquoise.
Endlessly piercing the dark haze choking me in that hospital bed. 

Those that I had murdered in the name of God and Country in their infra-red glory.
Legions, it seemed, led by Thirteen that haunted my dreams. 
They stood there.
Waiting.
Emanating patience only the dead know. 
We all make it there. 
Now or later I would meet them in the Place of Judgement,
when mattered not. 
The inevitable weight of Fate.

When my life flashed before my eyes, I saw what was important to me. 
My family. 
Friends.
Love.
And Faith. 
Always that desperately unwavering faith. 

Then I saw myself for what I truly was.
A blind fool. 
A mad idiot.
A lost soul. 
Damned by ignorance.
My faith broke into nothing.

I was alone. 
No ever loving deity.
No only begotten son.
Just I gazing at Death. 

But I would not go quietly into that ghastly night.
I burned with rage at the dying of my light.

I didn't beg her to give me another chance. 
I didn't plead ignorance for my innocence.
All I asked was to make it right.
Restore my honor on my own merit. 

The Universe didn't let her escort me to my Judgement.
On condition that my Dead follow me until my task was finished. 
They would bear witness to my mission.
They would decide when I was done.

So I did.  And they are gone. 

I am alone.  My task is complete.
I am alive.  I don't know what that means.