The Dream of Death's Court: A Sorrowful Goodbye

When I was growing up I was told to pay attention to dreams. That they could guide you to right action through foreseen troubles. Then I learned that I could create dreams, that I could dream in waking day. I grew up with stories of Gods and Monsters, Angels and Demons, Heroes and Villains. They painted and shaped my world with their invisible appendages, thoughts and emotions.

Who is to say what will be when we end, is all up to whatever their imagination can aspire it to be. With the sorrows that the world carries, it can only hope that we find some sort of justice for each of our deeds when passing into the next life. What would you do? Who would be in your pantheon? How would you feel?

I don't know about anyone else but I really like super serious reflection and finding ways to bring grim scenarios the due they deserve. I find that my tether to the living world is strong enough to prevent me from losing my way, but there was a point where I had given up all hope, ready to face whatever justice lay before me.

In the Christian tradition that I grew up in, we were given a court room scenario, in which Christ would be our advocate before God. As I decided to venture along my own path, I've thought about who would be my Advocate, and who would be my Judge. I've given serious weight to who would be my enemies and who would be my heroes. I've confronted each of those things, on my cosmic scale.

Maybe that's why this was so easy to write, because it's played out in my head so many times, but I had been so immersed in sorrow I had not the light to reflect. And for whatever reason the universe has given me one reason to never give in. So all this remains is a dream, a fading pain. Every so often something triggers a vivid reality and I use that as a method to reflect. It keeps that tiny spark alive, undying in the void.

Let's explore a coward's death, dishonored, and disavowed.  The life spark within had burnt out, a hallowed husk of what could have been. This was a possible future, a broken path. A What If(?) had I been successful in my first attempt back in 2012 after my accident.

Enjoy

*************

My head shoots off the table as if it had been smacked, drool matting my beard. Last thing I remember was looking over at my dog as I placed the gun's barrel into my mouth. I was apologizing...

I look over to see a shadow coalescing into a vaguely human shape coming in from the judge's office. Somewhere in the back of my mind I register somebody saying, "please rise." Glancing around I realize I'm already standing. My hands are empty. The lights are too bright. I can't feel my breathing or my heartbeat.

**MWA-MWA-MWA**

I look over at the direction of the sound. The man shape to my left is slowing coming into form, like smoke becoming solid in front of me. His kind and knowing eyes are the first to appear. I freeze as they uncover my own shadows and weigh my very soul.

"Sit down, son. It's okay. Everyone experiences the disorientation. Your method of death the most difficult. Some spirits don't even make it through the transition and go straight to dissolution." His mouth appears as a wry smile and a bushy brown beard bursts into life around it. "I've reviewed your case. Thank you for your prayers."

"Whaaa...?" Lights and shadows dance around the room forming into the jury and the audience. "But Kali? The Morrigan? ...Odin? Kratos?"

"Sit down, everything will be explained as soon as everyone finishes arriving. Kali, she's the goddess of destruction. Morrigan, the goddess of Death whose aspect is set to judge you right now. Odin is more prone to hanging himself in sacrifice to himself than appearing in a court room... and Kratos is a video game character." He gestures wildly behind him, "All the other gods, spirits, ancestors, ghosts, demons, and all manner of creatures that you've ever imagined and have hidden from your imagination are here to witness today's sorrow.*" By this time he had finished manifesting and was brushing ash off of his pants with his left hand. His entire right arm is covered with a black wolf pelt and under it peaks the hilt of a fine sword with a silver pommel. His clothing well made, but simple, showing no adornments but the heavy weave and tight stitching.

I grab the back of my chair and slowly sit down while taking in the rest of the room.

The myths and legends I grew up with filled up every seat. Orcs & Humans, Elves & Dwarves, angels, demons, gods, monsters, sins, and virtues... I recognize them all. When I pass my gaze over to the Juror's area, I sink lower into my chair. Six of my Heroes and Six of my Enemies all stare quietly at me. I look over at the man who I suppose is my lawyer. "Am I on trial..?"

"It will be explained to you in a moment. Relax. You died. This is my favorite part. I love the introductions."

"Mr. Bryant, please stand," The Morrigan began. "Your life will be reviewed, weighed, and judged, in accordance to the the Laws of Spiritual Accountability." She waves her right hand in front of her to acknowledge the audience and her cloak of shadow mists parts to reveal her unclothed form beneath. She gives me a wicked grin. "All mankind find that their afterlife experience is exactly what they believe in the deepest and most secret parts of their hearts. I am the Chooser of the Slain and you have given me offerings and prayers in according to your ancestral traditions. I will judge and choose your fate. Do you have anything to say before we begin?"

"Staff Sergeant, Ma'am."

"Excuse me?"

"It's a title I earned in life. I would request that I be recognized by it. If you are to be my judge and the man next to me be my advocate," I gesture and look at him in the eye. He smiles," the god of war and justice from the Norse pantheon," I look back at The Morrigan, "then I believe that what I earned in life under your spheres of influence should be acknowledged."

"Well then, Staff Sergeant Bryant, I grant your request. Anything else?"

"No, Ma'am. I'm prepared."

"Then let us begin. Your ancestors will bear witness. Your Heroes and Enemies will weigh your life. Tyr will advocate for fairness. I will be the final arbiter."

Apologia for Love

a·pol·o·gy

əˈpäləjē

noun

noun: apology; plural noun: apologies

1. 1.

   a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
2. 2.

   a very poor or inadequate example of.
3. 3.

   a reasoned argument or writing in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine.

***

To Whom It May Concern,

If ever I were to apologize for anything it would be that I don't believe that I have loved enough. Or maybe it was that I have loved the wrong things too much and the right ones not enough. Where I gave into fear instead of grace, I drowned in self-loathing for the creature that I became. Every decent-seeming man would deny orders over his heart, so I am not a decent man.

What are we, if not monsters, we who have stolen the humanity from our enemies then snuffed out their lives as if they were a candle's flame? Can such men be redeemed? By what measure shall we use? We see many today in our society cover themselves in glitter as if that can hide their scales and a fancy coat can cover up wickedness. But by what, again, are these things measured?

For who am I to say such wicked sins exist if I am one who has perpetrated much as well? Was I, or was I not instructed in right and proper behavior? Can my sins be absolved by the waving of wands and a toss of a Hail Mary? Can I turn a blinded eye towards the wrongs that I did towards others, when Justice herself is blind and I am only half so? Where can somebody who has been wronged and has done grievous things find absolution?

I once tried to run, but where do you go when you are trying to escape from yourself? When even Death is denied to you?

The recent celebrity suicides always brings to mind my own attempts and I always spend time considering of whether I have done the right thing with not following through with my own murder. I had three times where I deliberated it, pretty much each for the same reason.

I read a tweet thread about Anthony Bourdain, where his ex-girlfriend posts about what depression is like. For me it was as if my life was draining out of me, my spirit or essence, like a perpetual bleeding wound that couldn't heal. The light that I once had in my eyes, the optimism I had about the world, slowly suffocating in the darkness until I couldn't even see it within my self. My sun was black as pitch, and burned with the fires of a thousand dying stars. There were no evening lights in the night sky to guide my way.

In the way that makes up our mortal life, I had found myself in a gloomy wood, astray, for the right path had been lost. I was harassed by the beasts and monsters that lay hidden within mankind, showing me the ugliest parts of myself and others. I made my way through my hells, danced with deadly sins, and wrestled with the virtues that remain within every soul.

Anthony Bourdain imagined himself a fraud. I imagine myself a failure.

I had written the details of my suicide attempts but had found them drawing me back into those places and I find that I have trouble arguing with my own reasons for ending my life. I also always seem to find that one reason to not. And that is not a failure of love, but a reason to apologize that it is not simply shared more.

And I think that if anything maybe we can see that Mr. Bourdain was a person on a journey, like all of us are, he opened very many people's perspectives on themselves. Which, by the fruits that they bare shall ye know them. And it would be a failure of mine if I didn't share my reflections, of why we get to those places. Of how the deepest questions that we ask our selves, we can't escape them. No matter what.

And so to we, who face death, or have dived passed and came back, I want to say thank you. And to recognize you is not a failure. Because that one atom's breath that keeps the kindle burning, I think that is something that needs to set us all a blaze.

Because I can tell you that one question that we all ask, why? Why take another breath? And by what measure is that worth it?

By these things that I have seen, it always comes down to that one thing that should never be fraudulent, and one that is desperately exploited by our modern society.

And by that measure, if genuinely held in the light and comforted in the darkness, I would say that if they can discover that within themselves, they are neither a fraud nor a failure. That is the only thing that will guide them through their day. For they, in spite of all they see and have experienced, know what the world is needing the most.

Dudes with a bleeding heart, but more importantly a reflection as to why it needed to be bled in the first place. Because we can see that the blood is already on our hands. I, who has clearly spilt a drop, would do all that is within my power to prevent one more tragic loss.

I have seen my enemies through a digital screen. I hunted their pixels across data streams. For 16 seconds I was god, then I saw what a mess we made. Where once honor was planted, war tore asunder, and I understood the nature of what we've become. My entire belief system made obsolete at push of a button.

And by this nature I'm not sure if I am to be commended on my seeking or tormented and ridiculed, because from the moment that they made me a killer I knew that there would be no cleansing my soul. So I sought a way to create beauty where none existed around me. If my soul be painted with my sins let it be a story for you to know that in the end of all things, Love is all there needs to be known.

I am a warrior, for what do I fight? I am a priest, what do I worship? I am a magician, what do I create?

Cannot all of these things be one and the same?

I know that I feel my most powerful when love resides in my breast. I would worship that which gives me the same sense of complete satisfaction, and exercise my will upon natures strands just to see her dance.

There are times I wonder why we spend so much time wondering things. We can figure out the universe is numbers, and we can imagine infinitude, but are we actually paying attention to what we're being told? When it comes right down to it, we should.

Because, let me tell you, it kept me from giving up, taunting me with "you'll just be here again if you do." After my belief in god, country, and self had all been destroyed, the wicks to that effervescent fuel were dirty, indeed. I let what other's tell me who they thought I was matter. I lost myself.

I was degraded and I sought appeasement as the mongrel I was, I was bent but never broken, to what purpose am I to be, a tool from the master's forge, but what happens when the sword breaks?

I've read enough fantasy to follow that quest to it's end, but let me actually show you it's reward.

I have paid the price, and it was worth paying because it must be paid. Wisdom, will aid your weary bones, and knowledge pay your life's passage. Seek these things and you will see many wondrous and terrible things. You just have to make sure that your wonder doesn't turn you into a monster. And you have to make sure that Fear doesn't kill your Mind.

because even if you find yourself broken, that even a candle would be as the sun in the darkness of your life, it is that nature which drives us no more than any beast, by human tongues it is expressed, in all it's hallowed out and worn vernacular, the world bleeds for love.

I just wish we'd all stop with the bleeding.

And I tell you, before I close this letter, that even now my heart bleeds from the wounds that have been given me, and I would not wish a breath of the pain that I have felt to touch the moisture on their skin.  There are enough natural wildfires without us having to put out emotional ones too. My heart hurts for the suffering they must be going through to hurt me like they have. I wish them to be free.

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

Here is my Apology for Love,

Respectfully Yours,

B. Bryant

All Is Fair (Poetic Interlude)

Strangely enough
I am happily married
to a woman who has caused me
no end to misery.
To be able to endure
the barbs of her tongue
grants me the freedom
to roam.
For if her bosom
was a welcoming embrace
then maybe
I'd call it a home.

The Trick,
I see,
is boyish glee
wielded with the competence
of a man
and if troubles do befall
a laugh is what we'll have.
For I have Love
sealed upon my heart
and if there is anything else
I've seen,
it's that we'll have
the chance
to do it once again
from the beginning
for eternity.

All Is Fair (Part 2)

"If you know yourself and your enemy, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War

***

My entire life changed once I entered the Military recruiting station in Missoula, Mt on the evening of the 12th of December, 2004. The Daily Mail, a British Tabloid, said that I had "accidentally" entered the military. By far the funniest thing I'd ever read about myself, and still a pretty sore point for some of the stupidest people on the planet. Because I've never done anything "accidentally."

I simply had no scope of the shit I was getting myself into. I had originally signed up to be a 1T0, SERE Instructor, but due to my aptitude scores I was shoved over into the intelligence school. Which was the worst mistake of my entire life (so far) because it led to the greatest things in my entire life. Probably how it should go anyways.

I was never meant to be a soldier. I just needed to be familiar with the training and lifestyle. Like all things that I do, I gave it my entire heart. Even after the people that I worked with shit all over my social life.  But then again, that ended up perfectly fine because none of those people are worth the salt in their blood in the first place. Since my accident, I've really had to think about WHY it was I even placed myself into the position that I did to join the military.

It was the first time I ever had thought I could love a person. She was two years younger than me, we met online through our Hotmail profiles. I thought it was a joke at first. I had friends that I had met through Diablo II and AOL, but she had sent me a flirty message about the picture that I had taken.  She didn't have one up, so I politely asked for one back so I could give her a respective compliment.

It wasn't the auburn hair or the color of her eyes, though now I don't even remember the color exactly, it was the fiery spirit that was emblazoned upon her face, as in "nothing could conquer me." That was the first time I think I truly fell in love. And I couldn't believe it.

We talked. So much that we went over our minutes and she had to pay a stupid large phone bill. I had free calling in the US (yeah, that was a new thing), she didn't. I lost contact with her in the beginning of December 2004, but I remember her telling me that she thought that men in uniforms were sexy, and apparently that was enough of a drive for me to talk to the Air Force recruiter that night on the 12th when I had taken one of my friends to see the Army recruiter. We know enough of that story at this point.

What we don't know is that I would have backed out had she not convinced me that we were going to join up together, and then when I had signed the papers I called her to find out that she had backed out at the last second. We were supposed to sign the papers "together." I didn't hear from her again until after Basic Training. I had decided to try to call her to see if her number was still connected. She answered the phone, and her voice melted away all doubts and fears.

***
I must only love.

Love is the mind-melter.

Love is the little-sun that brings total illumination.

I will face my love.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And where it has grown I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the love has grown there will be blossoming. Only light will remain. 

***

We reconnected for a few weeks before she disappeared completely.  Maybe it's not important what we talked about other than I was reminded of why I loved her in the first place. Sure, she lied to me and played games with my heart and head, but love surpasses all of that. Even though I no longer "love" her today, my entire life changed because of it. I wouldn't have done most of the things in my life without that prompt of life. That awakening of desire to find my other half. 

I've killed, been beaten, pushed myself beyond my limits many many times.  And it's all been for love. All of it.

And I couldn't have asked for a more glorious adventure. 

All Is Fair (Part 1)

"Love and war are all one . . . It is lawful to use sleights and stratagems to . . . attain the wished end."
-Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervante

***

I can think of no other stark polar opposites than Love and War, save perhaps Life and Death. But then again, they're one and the same.  I have spent a long time thinking about this subject.  Examining, ingesting, digesting, practicing, adjusting, applying...  It's an endless cycle, but one that needs to be maintained.

I think this grimness of thought has always been with me. Having been the only male in my family of my generation for the first 10 years of my life, with the only other male members of my family not having much involvement in my direct upbringing, I've always been of the mind of discovering my own place in the world.  From the very beginning I have been a Seeker. The world wasn't harsh, it just was. The environment that I was in flourished with love and struggle, with love always coming out on top.

I heard tales of my grandpa, Lanny Bryant, and his journey to his Legend.  About his life philosophy, mixing Christian mysticism and the sport of Wrestling, and his wonderful faith that had been cultivated in him by his own Father. I have never met a man more honorable in my entire life.  And today, I honor him in planting the acorn of the warrior in my heart, because it has grown into a mighty Oak. Even though we disagree in matters of religion, I know we march to the same beat in terms of heart and soul.

I once heard Joe Rogan say, "show me a great man who is the son of a great man," well, I just showed you the son. And where my grandpa gave me the heart to persevere, my Great-grandfather gave me the strength to love through his daily practice and devotions of it in his life. He was a Christian Mystic through and through.  His every breath was giving worship to his god and the life that he had been given.  If anyone could have been said to have achieved the Christ-consciousness in this era, he'd be in the running for sure. And the way that he looked at his wife, with complete adoration and love, made it easier to fight against immediate gratification of my carnal desires, and the then satisfaction of them more complete. 

The best compliment I could give of these men is that they truly walk with God.

In my own struggles I pull from the wisdom that these men have given me, and in fact have found it repeated in many other places throughout history, in different religions and philosophies.  But I believe the greatest part about it is that they work in practical application. Beyond their greatness, they have truly shown me what it means to be a "good man." Through that goodness, I have come to understand the virtues and fruits of the soul.

I can think of no better time to share what they have taught me and what I have learned. I have journeyed far and wide, both inside and out. I have repaired my heart and soul with my own work. And I have fought for the opportunity of my lifetime without any deceit. I can tell you this as somebody who has fought for both love and war. If you fight in war, you fight in deception, but if you fight in love, it can only be in truth.  That's the difference, and that is why in both, all is fair. 

The Ashes of Eden

Maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we walked through hell
covered in the Ashes of Eden.

The Way is never easy,
it is a hidden Path.
It is found through
heart's broken door
grief is the key
to find the love
that was lost

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we carry with us
memories of the beauty of Eden

Let us breathe in
our sorrows,
and feel the weight
upon our shoulders
not make us weak,
but stronger in wisdom
broaden our compassion.

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we planted a garden
with the remembrance of Eden.

Through the seasons
and the passing of time
we live the Way
the home we build
holds all the treasures
of the world
we have discovered

Then maybe someday
we'll find paradise.
and if that day comes
it will be because
we have built it
out of the Ashes of Eden.

With This Ring...

How many times have I sat here, staring at my computer screen, trying to come up with the right words...

I've carried a ring in my pocket ever since I had heard that my son had been conceived. It's black titanium with a woven band, as dark and hard and beautiful as his mother's heart, with 7 rubies, her birthstone, like drops of blood fresh, a promise of life.

This is what this thing means for me today.

An engagement that will never be. A tragedy that was never given an opportunity to be anything else. For a while I pretended that it was my magical ring of shielding, and it protected my heart and mind from harm. I had to remind myself, that it was MY love that conceived that child, and it has always been my dream to be a good father and husband.

When I had started my journey from home, never did I think I would end up where I have been. I don't even know what to say. Today, my heart is the heaviest that it has ever been.  I don't even know what to do.

I wish for a Solstice miracle, to be honest.  I'm all out of options.

So maybe I'll tell you the reason I have such faith in love and kindness. Even if I lack such in myself at times. It's not some storybook fantasy of gods and romances.  I saw it, right before my eyes, and of all the things that I've sought in this world it was to exchange the acknowledgment of existence from somebody who knew who you were and loved you, all of you.

My great-grandparents exchanged that dance every morning that I could remember and it was the most beautiful thing that I think I could have seen before I met the mother of my son. And I wonder if my foolishness in wanting this for myself has led to so much disarray in my romantic life.  The problem being is that I've been absent that instruction, like many, except for what has been portrayed through a glass wall.

I've done my best to not leave any broken hearts, and I've for sure done a damn fine job of forgiving those that have broken mine.

Through vivid imaginations, then did I dream of her. She took contrast from my light within her void, and I was the source for all she felt divine.  I chased that dream through war and strife. And had it torn from me through greed and envy. I grew up believing in the greater good and honor and justice.  I see, now, that they are not inherent in humanity but needing of cultivation daily.  These are not things that are given to one, but that we give in opposition.

If I were to wish to see honor and justice and love prevail, I have to be the one to cultivate it within myself, establish a ripe and growing fruit, then sow the seeds amongst those that I meet in my life. And that maybe, my grand-children could one day sit in a society that has been blessed by a more enlightened design.

I have been present to bare witness to the worst that humanity has to offer in this world and the next. Hopefully, 2018 will show me the better side of life.

Fuck this stupid bullshit, Melissa.  I love you. After everything that I've seen and heard, the fact that I can still say that shit surprises me. But I've searched deep within myself, deep withing the withering core of my miserable existence, I found life and love.  It's miserable, and stupid, and I keep thinking to myself, "why is my heart such a glutton for such punishment?"

And I remember Thanksgiving of 2015, when we were dancing in Laura's house and I saw you.  And if a demon were to find me now in my loneliest of lonelies, and he offered a chance to experience it all again, the pain, the sorrow, the heartache.... for that one moment in your gaze I saw you, the true you, and I said to myself, "I hope that I never forget her face or that clever glint in her eyes. And I hope I never lose the love that I see reflected back at me."

And now I wonder if I'll ever see them again with anything resembling love in them. And my heart mourns while i sit here and wait for a Solstice miracle, with a ring that once represented all my hopes and dreams, wondering if that's all they will be.