A Voice in the Wilderness

I know that however I approach my current situation I have to be open and honest and clear because it's been my safety in the past.  I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm willing to make more.  I'm placing my perceptions out into the open because I really have no idea what is going on.  I've already placed the smattering of, "what the fuck does this mean?"  and I've gotten nothing but a "you're smearing my name."  I can't help but feel that is a confirmation of the deepest form of dread in this whole situation.  That the woman who is the mother of my child never actually loved me.  And I was played a fool again.

This is really my fault.  Because I really think she could have.  And remember, this is only the perspective that I've had after reviewing everything.  My perspective could be fucked up, twisted, warped.  The light in which I have to explore this cavernous maw is dim anyways, from wasting energy along with wear and tear.  I gave my faith over to somebody who probably didn't want it and may have felt that I had burdened her with a responsibility that she didn't want nor deserve.  It was new, and scary for me.  I was free of my self appointed responsibility but had no idea which direction that I wanted to go.  A 30 year old man, who for the first time in well over a decade wasn't driven by guilt and self loathing.  I had survived and I didn't know what that really meant.

The stalkers and the threats from internet bullies were a harsh almost daily reminder of those silent and violent individuals who decide to take manners in their own hands.  I knew if somebody called me a traitor and a liar there was somebody out there who would believe it enough in our world to do something about it.  That's an unfair situation to put anyone through.  Then we went on vacation, my first real vacation since our family trips in high school.  To Australia.  It was amazing, but I can't help that I had brought a damper into it with my dazed state.  That maybe her trip would have been met with the man of her dreams and a forever living a free life down under.  But with that trip she saved my life and she won my devotion.

We saw an opera after missing a boat then got a free ride from a nice Australian Gentleman.  It was chaotic enough to get life moving through my limbs again.  And all I wanted to do was explore this new world with her and through her eyes.  I mistakenly opened up about my need for sexual exploration, but my idea was that I wanted to do it within her boundaries, while expressing that I was up for nearly anything so long as it was discussed first.  But I didn't care what it was (mostly) as long as it was with her.  At that point I was more interested in Tantra and the spiritual side of things.  I had some pretty bizarre experiences that I'd rather not repeat.  I was judged for them and that was weird. What I had done wasn't that bad.  I laughed about an instance with an ex and I on Chatroullette  (South Park has an episode about it), she wasn't too impressed.  And I opened up about my mistaken past love, which was drug and desperation fueled.  The love that I felt with Melissa was clean and free of all that.

In an effort to heal myself from my own internal hate I had undertaken an effort of forgiveness towards those that had betrayed me.  I didn't want her to be affected by my past, and I had kept her away from my Drone bullshit as much as possible.  I fumbled my words when trying to explain that my showing kindness towards my ex was my way of trying to be the better person.  I still believe and behave that way, to everyone I can.  Because that was how my grandfather taught me through his actions.

A few months later my kindness backfired on me when the ex tried to come back to me and asked me if having a child with her was really what I wanted.  And duh it was exactly what I want(ed).  So I cut her out of my life.  Completely.  But it wasn't enough and my stupidity hurt our relationship.

Her getting pregnant, again, saved me from acting desperately out of fear.  I was afraid for my family, friends, and dog.  I had started trying to track down people and try to utilize my military experience to keep a record of people I thought might be dangerous to me.  It was the worst obsession that I had ever had and it had been completely driven by fear.  And in order to escape that fear when she wasn't around, I turned to video games.

I wonder if her accusing me of being addicted to porn (the fear didn't do well for our sex life, again, my fault completely), was due to the fact that when she left for work I'd be sitting at the computer in my underwear and when she'd get back I'd be struggling to make myself look presentable instead of a bum.  I'd get caught up in the political bullshit that was happening in the USA, get lost on Reddit and other social media and forum platforms, watching the development of filthpits like /r/Donald and the rise of whatever it is group that wants to call themselves something.  And it did affect me physiologically.

After placing myself out there, heart and soul, it was extremely difficult to watch my country devolve into the state that it is in.  But I'm now wondering if it just has always been this way and that I was a dumb idealist.

I feel like everything in my life can be summed down into that last sentence.

I mean, really, what was there that I could have done?  I am only a Montana kid who stepped up and did what I thought was right.  I have no money and the only power that I have had is through the words I've spoken.  I'm not a great leader, though I would say that I am a great loner, who was finally learning to not be alone.

I should have just dedicated myself to what I wanted rather than let other people tell me what I should do.  I'm 31 years old and I still fall for that.

And for her I can see how being alone and pregnant can be a terrifying thing.  My having to deal with the VA healthcare system and that it's falling to pieces delayed me getting back to her.  If she found comfort somewhere else, then it is my fault for not making her my number 1 priority when she absolutely should have been.

I had brought her out to Montana and we drove around the western USA from Missoula, to New Orleans, to LA, then up the coast back home.  What an adventure. Difficult, and testing, but one of the best times I think that I had ever had. We were a regular Bonnie and Clyde.

 Oh, yeah and I had my car stolen by a "friend."  She reminded me that I use that one too freely.

But in the end, I have no idea what she is doing.  I have no one talking with me.  Maybe again I trusted the decency of strangers and people to be open and honest in a civilized society.  They called themselves "enlightened."

I wish to believe that my actions can be forgiven.  But all I am is a voice crying in anguish in the wilderness whose only comfort is the memory of love.  I hope that peace can be reached. I hope. I hope. I hope.

If I have to beg, openly beg, I don't care anymore.  I won't grovel.  I will be seen and this will be brought to light.  I'm not going to be another lost soul who falsely trusted love's lure.  I want to believe that love overcomes all.  True and absolute.  I want to believe, but I'm afraid I'm a fool. Please prove me wrong.

Open Letter to My Son 1.0

My Dearest Taim,

I'm sorry that I have to communicate with you this way.  I've given up on all other options and I have really no idea what is happening or what has happened.  What I do know is that what has happened between your mother and I is the single biggest regret that I will ever have.  I do not regret that I have loved her, I regret that she believes that I have not loved her enough.  What I can't comprehend is whether what happened was driven by subconscious fear or deliberate malice.  Not to say that I blame her or anyone. This last year was the most confusing and terrifying of my entire life.  I had tried to keep her separate from it all while I tried to drag myself away.

I also believe that my ego couldn't let go of the idea that I had taken up the unfortunate mantle of responsibility to help instigate change of awareness in our modern society.  And I had no idea what the fuck that even meant.  It's what people kept telling me.  And I've had this tendency to believe what people tell me about myself.  I've lost my identity, who I believed myself to be, enough times that I only care to be.

I tell you that because that's an important lesson to learn and I would be a poor father if I didn't pass on what I've learned.  The only thing you are is the moment.  Through whatever turmoil that you experience, you are your best guide.  Approach every situation with an open and vulnerable heart, and be  prepared to have everything you believe in destroyed, it's inevitable weather it is now or the future.  If you worry about the future, you cannot love the now.  And you'll miss out on what I have.

The other evening I had a dream, where I woke up from this nightmare.  You were laying between your mother and I, asleep, and I cried, couldn't stop kissing your mother's face.  She laughed and asked me what was wrong and all I could say was to remember that I loved her.  As the scene faded away I heard you laugh, my mother say that breakfast was ready, and everything was perfect in the world.  I wish that scenario was true.  I feel both of your loss as a knife in my heart.  I hope that some iteration of the universe it is true.  That's a comforting thought.

And here is another piece of advice:  Only true love can make every pain bearable to feel.  Even though my dream has ended up different than reality, I cannot forget that the reason I have held on for so long is because I have loved your mother.  The reason  I have felt the fear that I did was I had thought that my stupid idea to put my head on the chopping block was going to take away the one precious thing that I had found.  Fear and love clashed like titans and I was caught in the middle of them.

I still feel them clash every moment.  No matter what your mother had said to me, I had always had this weird faith that "love would overcome."  Maybe it has in a way that I had never expected.  When you were born, the love that I had felt that had been ignited by your mother burst into a super nova.  Everything that I had feared lurking in the darkness no longer mattered.  You were the final ingredient I needed to heal my wounded heart and I realized that nothing else mattered but you and your mother.

Maybe it's too late.  Maybe I'm the universal fool who discovered the key of life at the cost of being able to live it.  Maybe I'm a madman lost in the hope that what I have heard and think I believe about the reasons why I am not there with you and your mother are not true.  That all I have fought for, all that I believe in, if not in the name of Love what else is worthy?  I would willingly throw  myself through annihilation until the end of time to fix all my mistakes.  I would rather feel a thousand thousand different types of pain than the one I feel now of sorrow for being away from you and her.  Wondering if the things I believe are true only because I fear that they are.

But I'm alone, and this is the only way that I can maybe express myself.  And if not now, maybe it will be public record when you're old enough.  You are my strength through this pain.  I dream and hope that I'll be able to watch you discover the world.  Develop your talents and skills.  I wish to be the father I never had.  I wish I could have also be the husband my father never could be.

I sit here every day and stare at your pictures.  I want to be able to recognize you and see how handsome you become.  I imagine I can hear you laugh and speak your babble. I want to see the world through your eyes and never miss a moment of your discovery.  I miss you so much.  At times I feel like I can't breathe.  I wish I knew exactly what was going on.  It's so confusing.  I wish I could fix it.

Were my hopes and dreams born of childish naivety?  Yes, I won't deny it.  Was I completely unprepared for starting a new life? Absolutely.  But I needed it.  Otherwise I would died in more ways than physical.

Your mother is really a beautiful woman.  I wouldn't have held on so long under her relentless malice if I had not been absolutely devoted to her.  If I hadn't felt so comforted by her understanding of the dark side of the psyche, because I was only just discovering it myself.  I had believed she would be able to recognize what was happening and took for granted that I might fall well outside of the realms of her knowledge.  What does one do with a wounded warrior?  I imagined our scenario many different ways but I think my favorite was the idea of how World War II nurses fell in love with wounded soldiers.  My new favorite is the Wonder Woman scenario from the new movie.   She just so happened to step in to rescue me from the fascists I was running from.  And she's exotic. A spellbound witch.  And I fucking love it. It frustrates the hell out of me.

Again, I can't help but feel a bit childish in this.  I can't help but feel that this contributed to my struggles.  And while I do not want you to lose your childhood, I need you to understand how to cherish it and not let it be the devastating weapon of destruction it was to my life.  It will be many years before you are even capable of reading let alone understand what I'm saying.  I sometimes I wonder if I make any sense at all.

Just know that you are loved and I'll be waiting.

Love,

Dad

Thought flow and Update

In the evolution of thought and learning from the ghosts of social media past, present, and future, I'm going to present this discourse I've been wrestling with for the past few years. Decade. Past decade.


Right now, I know a lot of people feel like I've pushed them away. I do it on purpose. I need my solitude in order to attempt to see everything from every perspective involved with the current horrific situation that I currently am in. The whole process that I've been going through, transformation, awakening, whatever you want to call it, has been extremely terrifying and testing of what I understand to be my character. Many times the universe has obliterated-in-a-not-a-nice-way my ego and has also taken the pieces and reforged them into something stronger.


I sometimes want to curse the universe for that. I think it was my injury that propelled me forward like I had been shot out of a cannon into space. A freefall from the dimension of religion into the void, where it not only stared back at me it stared through me. And I was void.


In that place I learned to have faith in nothing. I learned to love the empty. I took solace in being meaning among the meaningless. It was there that I had learned to love and love found me.


It's an easy thing to forget, however, when you're in the midst of a battle with emotional parasites. Those people that want to direct and control you for their own benefit. But that's also the only way to fight them. To understand that love comes from within and is given. You have to want, a desire to give love for the sake of giving it. Or as my great grandfather would say, "love without the expectation of its return."


The Eagles (band) say that anger is just love disappointed. I think that is true enough because we wouldn't act out in anger if we didn't believe that something we intrinsically cared about was violated. Without proper understanding of the self, how can we know what we need in order to not have to feel that disappointment? That's the trick, is you have to feel that disappointment in order to understand where you emotional barriers are at. I also want to hazard a guess that anger is mostly used to counter a fearful idea because ferocity protects our soft inner core and fear is the direct opposite of love.


Emotions are powerful. In a society where emotions are forbidden, emotions become magic. Black magic is where those emotions are turned against you as in politics and marketing/advertising. You are told how to think and what you want. Religion then becomes the blackest of magics, almost across the board, because then you're enslaving your entire creative force, your whole emotional aptitude, to an idea outside of yourself.


Because let's face it, no matter what anyone can say about the human experience, we are experiencing the universe from the center of our reality. Life might not be about "us" or what we believe is us, but it is about us experiencing the fullness of who we should be capable of being.


The problem, as I see it, is those in charge need to keep it the way it is because they're afraid of losing their "status." When status isn't about money or things, it's about what you've accomplished for the growth and evolution of our creation. Who cares about why and why care about the who of creation? We are it! How sad is it to have your mark on human progress be the enslavement of your fellow man?


Many people nowadays have started looking to the mystical in the same way they sought the religious. To escape the reality of existence. And many more are looking to science to give them the answers. Dogma has become the creed of humanity.


In my view, science is there to help you figure out the rules, the constants. Science can only guess the future and glimpse our covered past. But you can go outside right now and throw a ball a few thousand times and I bet you'd be able to figure out how to make it do what you want it to.


The mystical should be used to explore those realms outside of our reality, into imagination and whatever could be beyond our understanding. Because while current science would most likely disagree with the idea of defying gravity based on will alone, we can always imagine the possibility.


And so it is the same with love. Science might just say that it is a chemical reaction in the body, a process of attachment and reproduction. While that might be part of it, the void teaches us that it's possible to love without those going on in the psyche. That love is also an act. Willfully done. The mystics would tell you that it is what moves mountains and parts oceans. It is what causes the entire universe to dance with itself. And maybe instead of trying to measure each step we should join in while we can.


***


With that being said, fuck if you even understand my babbling, I want to say that in the past few months I've made quite a few assumptions based on some pretty terrible information and I've been trying to strangle this hurt love I feel. I don't want your sympathy, I want to make this perfectly clear. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my son back and that means putting everything out there. I do this out of love and in seeking understanding.


I understand my mistakes. Very well. I also understand my flaws. I do not understand this situation I'm dealing with where the mother of my child stole him and is doing what only she knows. When I've sought answers to what has been going on I've had accusations thrown back at me, like i was "stalking her" when I asked about why she met up with her ex. She told my mother that he had offered to "take my place as father" to my child. During that same conversation, I told her that the only reason I didn't kill myself back when I tried was because I loved her and my son. Her response was that it would have been better had I died and that she wished that I was dead. She said that in front of her friend, who then defended her when I had done nothing wrong.


After that she called the cops when I tried to see my son and got me beat up by the Norwegian police then thrown in solitary. She told them that I beat and assaulted her, and that I had threatened to kill her, my son, and myself. When all i was doing was crying like a love hurt idiot. When they threw me in the back of the car one of the uniformed officers said there was a woman, a man, and a child inside the apartment. And the police wouldn't even let me hear her statement other than she told them that I had beat her with both of my fists out of anger. Another lie. The only time I'd ever been aggressive towards her is when she attacked me after my suicide attempt on Veteran's Day 2016 and I reacted out of instinct and pushed her into the wall. And I am fully horrified and remorseful of that. It drains the energy from my bones.


I was only able to see my son for a few hours the next time I saw her and she didn't even want to talk about what happened. She threatened to leave if I said anything about it to her. Then she calls me "cold and too sick to ever get better." And her friends and family support this. And my "Friends" let all this shit happen and left me to deal with it alone. And the norwegian government, while I just now found out that they acknowledge that my son is mine, they won't help me because i'm not a norwegian citizen. And the US wont help me because of my "whistleblower" status.


So you can see why I need to try and understand this by isolating myself. And I've posted this with a little bit of thought flow to see where I'm approaching this extremely fucked up situation. And if I have to burn down the entire world to find out what is going on, so be it. There is something seriously wrong with what is happening. And I will find out.

Albedo, Purification of the Soul (part 4)

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."
-Pema Chodron

"But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests. Lonely one, you are going the way to yourself! And your way goes past yourself and past your seven devils! You will be a heretic to yourself and witch and soothsayer and fool and doubter and unholy one and villain.  You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how can you become new, if you had not first become ashes?"
-Friedrich Nietzsche

***

When I finally graduated drone school, it was 18 November 2006.  I had started mid April 2006, in 3 different classes that ended up having to be split because they were too large.  I spent the majority of my time reading the technical manuals, making popcorn, and Navy coffee so strong you could stand a spoon up in it.  Because that's the only way some of the officers would drink it. And cleaning.  Lots and lots of cleaning. Casual status.

To get by without having to interact with the self-important upper ranks, Haas and I rode the 0200 van up every chance we got and left before noon.  It made our lives easier and we were able to fuck around and still get shit done.  Most of our peers that were supposed to be on casual status with us showed up at 0800 and left after they showed their faces.  One guy didn't show up for over a month, playing World of Warcraft, and no one even questioned it.

In the end, Haas and I were almost as knowledgeable as the instructors lacking only experience. We were excellent and that was a problem.

***

To get back to the core of the story, True Love, or the search for it.  Everything else is the background noise.  Everything else is poison. But without the poison, nothing dies.

***

While it wasn't until my first day of actual work that the search for the self began, these events play a critical role in breaking apart the foundation of everything that I knew.  December 2006 is when my personal life and my professional life crashed together like explosive ridden freight trains.

The summer of 2006 saw the light of my true age when my mother, while visiting with my friends, asked if I was excited to turn 21 in Las Vegas.  I deserved group shunning I got after that.  Even if I was not the only under age drinker. My lie to the group was enough.

And I was dating somebody new.  She walked in on me while I was praying and I mistook it as a sign.  We got along, worshiped the same space wizard, told each other our darkest secrets.  When I had mentioned my first incident and my virtual ignorance of feminine pleasure, she told me that "men cannot get raped when they have an erection.  That means you want it."  My desperation to fill that devouring cancer of shame and self doubt led to my moments of debauchery and isolation.

After a month of dating she wanted to get married and jump on the BAH wagon.  I said no, she accused me of using her for sex.  My reasoning was to follow advice I was given:  be with somebody for a year before you decide to get married. You go through all the seasons together.

After that, my male peers started to try and move in on me. Tell her that they could treat her better.  She even confessed to me that she had started to hang out with a few of them and started developing mutual feelings with one in particular.  I told her it was her decision with what she wanted to do and her decision was to bring the wrath of god down upon my heart and head.  After we broke up I was no longer invited to group outings and after December 2006, she lied to our leadership about me "raping her" and when I tried to ask her about it when I started to hear the rumors I was accused of stalking her.

While this was going on I had my first  mission and I watched a convoy hit an IED on their way back to home base north of Baghdad.  My leadership told me that it happens and shrugged it off.  I heard the screams for help over the radio.  I saw the aftermath.  I watched the desperation of the ground troops to save their friends.  While my friends abandoned me.

I dedicated myself to the mission. Desperately seeking purpose in deed.  Haas and I got along with the British drone operators better than our peers.  The internal political and drama situation was increasingly hostile, good ol'boy's club, that was more reminiscent of junior high school than a professional military outfit.  My life was dictated and ruined by the petty will of those who had nothing better to do with their time.  Then I killed my first three human beings and I was alone in feeling remorse.

What kind of human beings are we to do this to one another?  You don't make very many friends by being the squadron philosopher, less so with the name of religious intent backing your doctrine.

And in order to seek biblical forgiveness I once sought out the woman by inviting myself out to the club with some mutual friends.  I had hoped that I could beg, yes I was that crazy, in front of everyone.  At the end of the night she gave me the chance to air out my grievances.  I had told her that I had once loved her, and asked if that even meant anything.  I told her it was unfair of her to treat me like she has been.  Her response was simple, "I never loved you. I only used you to get over my ex. You were a rebound."

Two days before that was when I had the incident where I believe we killed a child. My insides were being torn apart by Lucifer, himself, from his prison in the cold heart of Hell.

“THROUGH me you pass into the city of woe: 

Through me you pass into eternal pain: 

Through me among the people lost for aye. 

Justice the founder of my fabric moved: 

To rear me was the task of Power divine, 

Supremest Wisdom, and primeval Love. 

Before me things create were none, save things 

Eternal, and eternal I endure. 

All hope abandon, ye who enter here.”

And that was how the purification process began. 

The Golden Thread's Binding

The destiny of a king
begins when all things are
beyond control
the mind seeks power
in truth

Joy is torn apart
insecurity is key
Five points of the star
harmonic union
overcomes poverty

As dreams shatter
the torch illuminates
Breaker of Cups
poisoner of the soul
purification ends

The Devil retreats
from the torchsoul
a Sun is born
chains released
Life Force restored

A knight's intuition
fearlessness in adventure
the struggle
is the potential
for change

The need for magic
is focused by constraint
hindered by motivation
disorganization
upsets the plan

If wealth enters
value solitude
and productivity
prosperity should not
bring conformity

Earth's Seven Gifts
are given with
perseverance and generosity
exchanging self for
the agreement of Love

The Star hovers over
still waters
rejuvenating creative potential
healing hope
and the unconscious

Restoration of the Ox
strength in contemplation
manifestation of self
lies with our placement
of energy

Gestation of man to god
is lost without
the High Priestess to guide
the seed
of sexuality

The Game of Fate
celebrates the Sun
takes joy in the hidden forces
of success
and luck

The reckless Fool awakens
ends the delays
of being taken advantage of
the slow progress
of impatience

The majestic elk protects
from dissatisfaction
and purifies
the water spilt
from the nine

The Eternal Fight

There are times when life just drains from your soul.


Wounds sustained in battle are meant to be harming, crippling, ultimately killing. Every person has their limit no matter how those wounds are obtained.


A master is somebody who can go into battle and sustain no injury but he only gets there on the principle that in his youth he survived what others could not. He moves with perfect grace and flow, no movement is a waste of energy. They have come to understand that the limits of their body can be pushed beyond it's threshold by focus of will alone.


I am not a master. I have not the qualities. Instead I feel like a man who has taken a spear to the gut only to be left dying and bleed out alone. A long and agonizingly painful death. No hope for recovery other than a quick mercy granted by fiercest friends or an honorable enemy.


Instead there is just the hollow emptiness inside that says, "no matter where you have ended up in life... Death has found you."


So you sit, and wait while the scorching sun and the frozen ground crush you between their polarities. The ground drinks up your blood as if it will give it life. The sun rages against your flesh because you will never see another day.

Very Little

A separation from Source,

They say,

Is how we came to be.

That light had burst out

From the Void,

And through the darkness, see

The splendid wonders
Of this world

I knew very little about Love
Until I saw it every day
Heard it whisper in ecstatic song
Streaming from the heart
Wellspring of joy
And through their trials, strong
Bonds were created
Everlasting

I knew very little about Agony
Until I felt its bitter sting
Crying from a broken heart
Innocence sacrificed
On the alter
What awoke was shattered, apart
To satisfy
Their ego

It was then I saw what pain could do to love.

I knew very little about peace
Until I died to myself
And began, for a moment, to breathe
I fell from the Mind
Into the Heart
Encircled by magick , a wreath
Of wellness
Revived.


I knew very little about creation
Until I gave love and compassion
Toward a soul without hope