My Dearest Taim,
I'm sorry that I have to communicate with you this way. I've given up on all other options and I have really no idea what is happening or what has happened. What I do know is that what has happened between your mother and I is the single biggest regret that I will ever have. I do not regret that I have loved her, I regret that she believes that I have not loved her enough. What I can't comprehend is whether what happened was driven by subconscious fear or deliberate malice. Not to say that I blame her or anyone. This last year was the most confusing and terrifying of my entire life. I had tried to keep her separate from it all while I tried to drag myself away.
I also believe that my ego couldn't let go of the idea that I had taken up the unfortunate mantle of responsibility to help instigate change of awareness in our modern society. And I had no idea what the fuck that even meant. It's what people kept telling me. And I've had this tendency to believe what people tell me about myself. I've lost my identity, who I believed myself to be, enough times that I only care to be.
I tell you that because that's an important lesson to learn and I would be a poor father if I didn't pass on what I've learned. The only thing you are is the moment. Through whatever turmoil that you experience, you are your best guide. Approach every situation with an open and vulnerable heart, and be prepared to have everything you believe in destroyed, it's inevitable weather it is now or the future. If you worry about the future, you cannot love the now. And you'll miss out on what I have.
The other evening I had a dream, where I woke up from this nightmare. You were laying between your mother and I, asleep, and I cried, couldn't stop kissing your mother's face. She laughed and asked me what was wrong and all I could say was to remember that I loved her. As the scene faded away I heard you laugh, my mother say that breakfast was ready, and everything was perfect in the world. I wish that scenario was true. I feel both of your loss as a knife in my heart. I hope that some iteration of the universe it is true. That's a comforting thought.
And here is another piece of advice: Only true love can make every pain bearable to feel. Even though my dream has ended up different than reality, I cannot forget that the reason I have held on for so long is because I have loved your mother. The reason I have felt the fear that I did was I had thought that my stupid idea to put my head on the chopping block was going to take away the one precious thing that I had found. Fear and love clashed like titans and I was caught in the middle of them.
I still feel them clash every moment. No matter what your mother had said to me, I had always had this weird faith that "love would overcome." Maybe it has in a way that I had never expected. When you were born, the love that I had felt that had been ignited by your mother burst into a super nova. Everything that I had feared lurking in the darkness no longer mattered. You were the final ingredient I needed to heal my wounded heart and I realized that nothing else mattered but you and your mother.
Maybe it's too late. Maybe I'm the universal fool who discovered the key of life at the cost of being able to live it. Maybe I'm a madman lost in the hope that what I have heard and think I believe about the reasons why I am not there with you and your mother are not true. That all I have fought for, all that I believe in, if not in the name of Love what else is worthy? I would willingly throw myself through annihilation until the end of time to fix all my mistakes. I would rather feel a thousand thousand different types of pain than the one I feel now of sorrow for being away from you and her. Wondering if the things I believe are true only because I fear that they are.
But I'm alone, and this is the only way that I can maybe express myself. And if not now, maybe it will be public record when you're old enough. You are my strength through this pain. I dream and hope that I'll be able to watch you discover the world. Develop your talents and skills. I wish to be the father I never had. I wish I could have also be the husband my father never could be.
I sit here every day and stare at your pictures. I want to be able to recognize you and see how handsome you become. I imagine I can hear you laugh and speak your babble. I want to see the world through your eyes and never miss a moment of your discovery. I miss you so much. At times I feel like I can't breathe. I wish I knew exactly what was going on. It's so confusing. I wish I could fix it.
Were my hopes and dreams born of childish naivety? Yes, I won't deny it. Was I completely unprepared for starting a new life? Absolutely. But I needed it. Otherwise I would died in more ways than physical.
Your mother is really a beautiful woman. I wouldn't have held on so long under her relentless malice if I had not been absolutely devoted to her. If I hadn't felt so comforted by her understanding of the dark side of the psyche, because I was only just discovering it myself. I had believed she would be able to recognize what was happening and took for granted that I might fall well outside of the realms of her knowledge. What does one do with a wounded warrior? I imagined our scenario many different ways but I think my favorite was the idea of how World War II nurses fell in love with wounded soldiers. My new favorite is the Wonder Woman scenario from the new movie. She just so happened to step in to rescue me from the fascists I was running from. And she's exotic. A spellbound witch. And I fucking love it. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Again, I can't help but feel a bit childish in this. I can't help but feel that this contributed to my struggles. And while I do not want you to lose your childhood, I need you to understand how to cherish it and not let it be the devastating weapon of destruction it was to my life. It will be many years before you are even capable of reading let alone understand what I'm saying. I sometimes I wonder if I make any sense at all.
Just know that you are loved and I'll be waiting.
Love,
Dad
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