In the evolution of thought and learning from the ghosts of social media past, present, and future, I'm going to present this discourse I've been wrestling with for the past few years. Decade. Past decade.
Right now, I know a lot of people feel like I've pushed them away. I do it on purpose. I need my solitude in order to attempt to see everything from every perspective involved with the current horrific situation that I currently am in. The whole process that I've been going through, transformation, awakening, whatever you want to call it, has been extremely terrifying and testing of what I understand to be my character. Many times the universe has obliterated-in-a-not-a-nice-way my ego and has also taken the pieces and reforged them into something stronger.
I sometimes want to curse the universe for that. I think it was my injury that propelled me forward like I had been shot out of a cannon into space. A freefall from the dimension of religion into the void, where it not only stared back at me it stared through me. And I was void.
In that place I learned to have faith in nothing. I learned to love the empty. I took solace in being meaning among the meaningless. It was there that I had learned to love and love found me.
It's an easy thing to forget, however, when you're in the midst of a battle with emotional parasites. Those people that want to direct and control you for their own benefit. But that's also the only way to fight them. To understand that love comes from within and is given. You have to want, a desire to give love for the sake of giving it. Or as my great grandfather would say, "love without the expectation of its return."
The Eagles (band) say that anger is just love disappointed. I think that is true enough because we wouldn't act out in anger if we didn't believe that something we intrinsically cared about was violated. Without proper understanding of the self, how can we know what we need in order to not have to feel that disappointment? That's the trick, is you have to feel that disappointment in order to understand where you emotional barriers are at. I also want to hazard a guess that anger is mostly used to counter a fearful idea because ferocity protects our soft inner core and fear is the direct opposite of love.
Emotions are powerful. In a society where emotions are forbidden, emotions become magic. Black magic is where those emotions are turned against you as in politics and marketing/advertising. You are told how to think and what you want. Religion then becomes the blackest of magics, almost across the board, because then you're enslaving your entire creative force, your whole emotional aptitude, to an idea outside of yourself.
Because let's face it, no matter what anyone can say about the human experience, we are experiencing the universe from the center of our reality. Life might not be about "us" or what we believe is us, but it is about us experiencing the fullness of who we should be capable of being.
The problem, as I see it, is those in charge need to keep it the way it is because they're afraid of losing their "status." When status isn't about money or things, it's about what you've accomplished for the growth and evolution of our creation. Who cares about why and why care about the who of creation? We are it! How sad is it to have your mark on human progress be the enslavement of your fellow man?
Many people nowadays have started looking to the mystical in the same way they sought the religious. To escape the reality of existence. And many more are looking to science to give them the answers. Dogma has become the creed of humanity.
In my view, science is there to help you figure out the rules, the constants. Science can only guess the future and glimpse our covered past. But you can go outside right now and throw a ball a few thousand times and I bet you'd be able to figure out how to make it do what you want it to.
The mystical should be used to explore those realms outside of our reality, into imagination and whatever could be beyond our understanding. Because while current science would most likely disagree with the idea of defying gravity based on will alone, we can always imagine the possibility.
And so it is the same with love. Science might just say that it is a chemical reaction in the body, a process of attachment and reproduction. While that might be part of it, the void teaches us that it's possible to love without those going on in the psyche. That love is also an act. Willfully done. The mystics would tell you that it is what moves mountains and parts oceans. It is what causes the entire universe to dance with itself. And maybe instead of trying to measure each step we should join in while we can.
***
With that being said, fuck if you even understand my babbling, I want to say that in the past few months I've made quite a few assumptions based on some pretty terrible information and I've been trying to strangle this hurt love I feel. I don't want your sympathy, I want to make this perfectly clear. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my son back and that means putting everything out there. I do this out of love and in seeking understanding.
I understand my mistakes. Very well. I also understand my flaws. I do not understand this situation I'm dealing with where the mother of my child stole him and is doing what only she knows. When I've sought answers to what has been going on I've had accusations thrown back at me, like i was "stalking her" when I asked about why she met up with her ex. She told my mother that he had offered to "take my place as father" to my child. During that same conversation, I told her that the only reason I didn't kill myself back when I tried was because I loved her and my son. Her response was that it would have been better had I died and that she wished that I was dead. She said that in front of her friend, who then defended her when I had done nothing wrong.
After that she called the cops when I tried to see my son and got me beat up by the Norwegian police then thrown in solitary. She told them that I beat and assaulted her, and that I had threatened to kill her, my son, and myself. When all i was doing was crying like a love hurt idiot. When they threw me in the back of the car one of the uniformed officers said there was a woman, a man, and a child inside the apartment. And the police wouldn't even let me hear her statement other than she told them that I had beat her with both of my fists out of anger. Another lie. The only time I'd ever been aggressive towards her is when she attacked me after my suicide attempt on Veteran's Day 2016 and I reacted out of instinct and pushed her into the wall. And I am fully horrified and remorseful of that. It drains the energy from my bones.
I was only able to see my son for a few hours the next time I saw her and she didn't even want to talk about what happened. She threatened to leave if I said anything about it to her. Then she calls me "cold and too sick to ever get better." And her friends and family support this. And my "Friends" let all this shit happen and left me to deal with it alone. And the norwegian government, while I just now found out that they acknowledge that my son is mine, they won't help me because i'm not a norwegian citizen. And the US wont help me because of my "whistleblower" status.
So you can see why I need to try and understand this by isolating myself. And I've posted this with a little bit of thought flow to see where I'm approaching this extremely fucked up situation. And if I have to burn down the entire world to find out what is going on, so be it. There is something seriously wrong with what is happening. And I will find out.
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