I know that however I approach my current situation I have to be open and honest and clear because it's been my safety in the past. I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm willing to make more. I'm placing my perceptions out into the open because I really have no idea what is going on. I've already placed the smattering of, "what the fuck does this mean?" and I've gotten nothing but a "you're smearing my name." I can't help but feel that is a confirmation of the deepest form of dread in this whole situation. That the woman who is the mother of my child never actually loved me. And I was played a fool again.
This is really my fault. Because I really think she could have. And remember, this is only the perspective that I've had after reviewing everything. My perspective could be fucked up, twisted, warped. The light in which I have to explore this cavernous maw is dim anyways, from wasting energy along with wear and tear. I gave my faith over to somebody who probably didn't want it and may have felt that I had burdened her with a responsibility that she didn't want nor deserve. It was new, and scary for me. I was free of my self appointed responsibility but had no idea which direction that I wanted to go. A 30 year old man, who for the first time in well over a decade wasn't driven by guilt and self loathing. I had survived and I didn't know what that really meant.
The stalkers and the threats from internet bullies were a harsh almost daily reminder of those silent and violent individuals who decide to take manners in their own hands. I knew if somebody called me a traitor and a liar there was somebody out there who would believe it enough in our world to do something about it. That's an unfair situation to put anyone through. Then we went on vacation, my first real vacation since our family trips in high school. To Australia. It was amazing, but I can't help that I had brought a damper into it with my dazed state. That maybe her trip would have been met with the man of her dreams and a forever living a free life down under. But with that trip she saved my life and she won my devotion.
We saw an opera after missing a boat then got a free ride from a nice Australian Gentleman. It was chaotic enough to get life moving through my limbs again. And all I wanted to do was explore this new world with her and through her eyes. I mistakenly opened up about my need for sexual exploration, but my idea was that I wanted to do it within her boundaries, while expressing that I was up for nearly anything so long as it was discussed first. But I didn't care what it was (mostly) as long as it was with her. At that point I was more interested in Tantra and the spiritual side of things. I had some pretty bizarre experiences that I'd rather not repeat. I was judged for them and that was weird. What I had done wasn't that bad. I laughed about an instance with an ex and I on Chatroullette (South Park has an episode about it), she wasn't too impressed. And I opened up about my mistaken past love, which was drug and desperation fueled. The love that I felt with Melissa was clean and free of all that.
In an effort to heal myself from my own internal hate I had undertaken an effort of forgiveness towards those that had betrayed me. I didn't want her to be affected by my past, and I had kept her away from my Drone bullshit as much as possible. I fumbled my words when trying to explain that my showing kindness towards my ex was my way of trying to be the better person. I still believe and behave that way, to everyone I can. Because that was how my grandfather taught me through his actions.
A few months later my kindness backfired on me when the ex tried to come back to me and asked me if having a child with her was really what I wanted. And duh it was exactly what I want(ed). So I cut her out of my life. Completely. But it wasn't enough and my stupidity hurt our relationship.
Her getting pregnant, again, saved me from acting desperately out of fear. I was afraid for my family, friends, and dog. I had started trying to track down people and try to utilize my military experience to keep a record of people I thought might be dangerous to me. It was the worst obsession that I had ever had and it had been completely driven by fear. And in order to escape that fear when she wasn't around, I turned to video games.
I wonder if her accusing me of being addicted to porn (the fear didn't do well for our sex life, again, my fault completely), was due to the fact that when she left for work I'd be sitting at the computer in my underwear and when she'd get back I'd be struggling to make myself look presentable instead of a bum. I'd get caught up in the political bullshit that was happening in the USA, get lost on Reddit and other social media and forum platforms, watching the development of filthpits like /r/Donald and the rise of whatever it is group that wants to call themselves something. And it did affect me physiologically.
After placing myself out there, heart and soul, it was extremely difficult to watch my country devolve into the state that it is in. But I'm now wondering if it just has always been this way and that I was a dumb idealist.
I feel like everything in my life can be summed down into that last sentence.
I mean, really, what was there that I could have done? I am only a Montana kid who stepped up and did what I thought was right. I have no money and the only power that I have had is through the words I've spoken. I'm not a great leader, though I would say that I am a great loner, who was finally learning to not be alone.
I should have just dedicated myself to what I wanted rather than let other people tell me what I should do. I'm 31 years old and I still fall for that.
And for her I can see how being alone and pregnant can be a terrifying thing. My having to deal with the VA healthcare system and that it's falling to pieces delayed me getting back to her. If she found comfort somewhere else, then it is my fault for not making her my number 1 priority when she absolutely should have been.
I had brought her out to Montana and we drove around the western USA from Missoula, to New Orleans, to LA, then up the coast back home. What an adventure. Difficult, and testing, but one of the best times I think that I had ever had. We were a regular Bonnie and Clyde.
Oh, yeah and I had my car stolen by a "friend." She reminded me that I use that one too freely.
But in the end, I have no idea what she is doing. I have no one talking with me. Maybe again I trusted the decency of strangers and people to be open and honest in a civilized society. They called themselves "enlightened."
I wish to believe that my actions can be forgiven. But all I am is a voice crying in anguish in the wilderness whose only comfort is the memory of love. I hope that peace can be reached. I hope. I hope. I hope.
If I have to beg, openly beg, I don't care anymore. I won't grovel. I will be seen and this will be brought to light. I'm not going to be another lost soul who falsely trusted love's lure. I want to believe that love overcomes all. True and absolute. I want to believe, but I'm afraid I'm a fool. Please prove me wrong.
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