Senka Mojeg Srca

Here is my father's day post then I'll be gone for a very long time. Fuck. I don't even know if I want to rejoin society after this.

I didn't have a father growing up. He had his own reasons, but I'm guessing that he really just didn't want the responsibility at that age. He had other goals to attain.

My entire goal in life was to be a father. I had thought that I had to give it up or indefinitely delay it. After Julian Assange's sexual allegations and my own sexual misadventures I had given everything up. I wasn't going to risk everything on petty lust. Plus I had riddled myself with guilt and self loathing enough to just simply want to die. No one wants to have sex with that and I was perfectly fine with it. Too many people let sex be a driving force for their lives instead taking time to learn how to direct it how they want it to go. Too many outside influences. Too many mistakes could happen. Too many this and thats.

The introduction of the Mother of my Child changed everything about how I was approaching life. I was no longer the Grim Dreamer, though that shade has come to haunt me again these last few months. And I tell you, no other woman that I have ever met has caused me to make me want to change direction that i was heading in life.

She was the entire goal in the first place. Love or death. I had to find a treasure worth pursuing besides my own untimely end. Because the ending comes for each of us but the adventure to call us forth from that miserly trudge is worth pursuing in all it's tragic and agonizing forms.

I think if I have learned anything at all in my life, it's that love is the only thing worth pursuing. It's the only thing worth believing in and giving. The ordered universe might say this, and god might say that. But I am a fucking man, goddamnit, and my cries of angish demand to be heard.

Our society is damned. We can hope for the best but we have damned the future of our species to fighting over fictional representations of time instead of exploring the wonders that creation even has to offer us.

And instead of me being able to enjoy it with my son and wife and family, those agonizingly precious seconds of hope and memory are life.

We can pretend to be all tough and animal. Proud and defiant. I refuse to pretend that everything is alright with how we are behaving towards one another. How hate and agony spread like a disease being sewn into the very fabric of our species. Is this who we have become after all this time?

Have we not learned a thing?

And so my advice is to surrender to the pain. Surrender to the inevitability. Live each moment like you are grasping for breath. Search for love like it is the only thing worth finding. And I hope some day that you find it, son. Because I did and I broke it.

Cherish it when you do find it. It is a precious thing. And be sure to not just give it to any old gal. You'll find the one and she'll tear you to pieces after you've already been torn assunder.

And that is the process that is needed to find that inside which motivates us to see the light of day. Because how can we not glorify the coming of the dawn. The courage of having braved the darkest parts of the soul. You have to discover what you would feel rather than? right?

I have seen and felt enough sorrow. I do not want that to go forward into our world.

As I watch the clock tick towards midnight, I find myself hoping that at the last second, reality would fix itself. But it seems that the reward for faithfulness is yet to be seen.

In the effort to end on a note of love, if sorrowful and full of grief, to remember that which is pure and true, to all men who seek within and without, nothing is so wonderful and destroying as love. I hope you seek it as fiercely as I have. I hope you don't make my mistakes.