“...There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself.”
― Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings
Once you delve into the dark places of the mind and soul the only way to see the truth is if you bring your own light.
When I left Missoula, MT, at the end of September 2015 to drive to Seattle so I could catch a plane to Germany for the Bundestag NSA Investigation, I had thought that would be the last time I would see the place of my birth. I left in a flurry and in a fury, having been evicted from the relative safety of my mother's apartment because her neighbors had complained about my dog being too big. A strange thing happened as I was leaving the neighborhood is that the power went out and the darkness chased me away.
I drove all through the night only stopping to get petrol and letting my dog get some exercise to answer natures call. Both times we stopped he was scared back into the car by something hidden in the darkness. I didn't question him and sped away to Seattle proper to a hiding place at a friend's house. While I waited to drop off my beast at another friend's place three days later, she left me alone to go stay with her boyfriend. I had a lot of thinking to do and no distractions.
Before heading out to Germany, I visited a shaman that had previously guided me in journeys in understanding and healing my spirit, but this time, he helped me prepare to die. I had already dropped off my dog and dedicated three more days to meditation and journeying. I embraced the sorrow and fear that this would be my final act of defiance. I prayed and asked my ancestors to let me speak the truth fully from my heart. I thanked the dead that had followed me since my accident three years previous for letting me honor them and for giving me the strength to overcome what had seemed the impossible. Finally, I sought harmony with Gaia and the universe for giving me the opportunity to change my Fate.
As I meditated I let go of my past mistakes, one by one. I forgave those that hurt me, because I grew wiser and stronger from it, and I prayed that those that I had hurt would one day be able to see and forgive me. I thought about Project RED HAND, my failed brainchild to try and set up a foundation for those that seek to speak the truth and help the general populace understand the nature of what we, who have bloodied our hands, have done through our eyes and hearts. It had helped me hold on to the idea that I could make a solid change in the world. It gave me something to pour my heartache into and delve into the pain. It was my mantra, my meditation, my life's blood. And I let that go hoping that since the seeds didn't sprout for me, maybe they would sprout for somebody else. Blood doesn't make a good fertilizer.
I dwelled on my dreams. In my dream journeys I had met beings who claimed to be gods, demons, the Three Fates. I had seen the creation of universes, the dying of stars. I had traveled to the edge of the void and peered into the abyss and knew it looked back at me. I had met Death herself, she embraced me as a lover would and comforted my despair. With my Shaman I had stood in front of the entire Assembly of my Ancestors and relived my life, seen the pain that I had experienced and that I had given to others. I had felt their judgement, but never their scorn. They loved me, reminded me of that, and told me that the only person that needed to forgive me was myself. That I had judged myself harsher than anyone ever could, because I knew myself. By the time those three days were over, I was ready. I had sharpened my mind as a blade, with the knowledge that I had gathered. I was formidably armed, making my final stand. I was ready.
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