"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
This trip to Germany was my most interesting and chaotic yet. Since this is about the search for Love, most of the details will be saved for a larger piece I'm writing. On one of my short flights, I sat next to a very pretty woman from the American South. First time that I didn't sit next to somebody with whom I wish could be somebody else. I have never really been able to flirt or have a simple casual conversation with anyone before. My intimacy trauma simply held me back. Since I didn't believe I would ever see her again, I decided to go for it.
It's amazing what you can do when you believe in the finality of your Fate. I pulled out my kindle, she pulled out her book. I asked her what she was reading about and for the next few hours all we did was talk. It was good. I felt comfortable and so did she. I'm pretty sure that if she had told me to run away with her at that moment, I would have. I wasn't sure if I could face my duty. I was terrified. So when we said goodbye, I left with her my hopes for the future, praying that she is blessed with the fulfillment that I sought. What I took from her is that she is the people that I fight for. She had no idea who I was, but we were both enriched from our meeting. I let my hope for finding love go into the wind. This life was meant for something else.
In Germany, starting 7 October, 2015, I was chaos incarnate. I was focused on the duty that I had to perform and by the time we were done, I was awarded with a standing ovation by the entire assembly. When I had arrived at the Bundestag, I was delayed for a few hours. Since the Germans are notoriously precise on everything, I knew something was up. I had prepared for the eventuality of death, nothing else could phase me. However, it wasn't anything so dire as that. Jeremy Scahill of the Intercept had released the Drone Papers: The single most comprehensive release on all things Drone. All without my knowledge, he released them as soon as I stepped foot inside the political establishment. If I had been used for anything in my life, I'm pretty proud of that one. And whomever the leaker was, you probably saved my life.
The investigation committee asked me so many really good questions that I imagined that they had more knowledge of the system than I did. Until they showed it to me. It was incredible. It lifted my spirits. And I felt that I had won.
When I got out and had access to my phone, my mother had messaged me telling me that the US Air Force OSI had approached her and threatened her. For the second time I had placed my mother in danger, and while I was not afraid of losing my own life, I was terrified of hurting her. She had spent the last 3 years taking care of me when the government tossed me into the trash after my accident. I had stupidly placed her in harms way, not from any unforeseen enemy, but my own government.
When I cried to her, she told me to be strong and that she was proud of me that I was doing the right thing. For all the strength that I had, she has more. I was completely blessed to have been raised by such a woman. Otherwise, I wouldn't be the man I am today.
Again, I let it all go. I was free, and vindicated. After that release of emotion I felt brutally alive. My senses went into hyper mode. I celebrated. Mostly by finding the best Kebabs in Berlin, but then I had dinner with my Journalist friend, John K.
It was absolutely lovely. I was among friends and happy, really happy for the first time in what seems like forever. At the end of the night, there were three of us left talking. Two Johns and me. We proceeded to get good drunk on great wine and Estonian Pure Vodka. Both John's talked about their families, and love, and the richness that they felt. John K. told me that I would find a good woman someday, and I disagreed with him vehemently.
"It's not for me," I said. "Nonsense!" He'd reply, "You're a good man and you deserve a good woman. And your children will be good too!" I'm pretty sure we had that same conversation at least 10 times that evening. But I couldn't see it. I gave it up. I couldn't put somebody in danger. When I mentioned that he said she wouldn't care because she would love me. I told him love like that only exists in fairy tales. The other John, who is Irish in the purest sense, said that it didn't matter if I believed in fairies or not, that a good man with a good heart is always blessed by the Earth. Or some other poetic nonsense. I couldn't see that they were right.
I should have packed my things that night because I was supposed to ride a train down to the 2015 Whistleblower of the year award. I was passed out on my bed and had to be woken up violently, proceeded to vomit the contents of the previous evening into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, somehow missing myself, and stumbling to the taxi and train station with nary a second to spare.
Of course I slept the entire ride down to the award ceremony.
To be honest the whole thing is a blur. I met a young man who wrote a Rap song about me. Probably one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. It felt strange being given an award for blundering along in trying to find redemption for my soul. Almost like the Universe was telling me that I was on the right track. I even had this speech wrote out with robotic phrases and half-hearted appeals to everyone's greater consciousness.
I'm not sure how long I stared blankly at my notebook or the crowd full of expectant faces, but I caught the eye of John Goetz, the journalist who introduced me (in German), and a friend. I thought about the first time we met, in a bar, when he was just asking questions and I answered them without knowing the significance of what I was saying. Then I thought about my little brother, and my absent father, the struggles that I had and the lack of good respectable male role-models in our modern society. And I couldn't just walk away like it meant nothing. If nothing else, I've learned a lot, and as a learned person it is my duty to share it.
So I closed my notebook and I spoke directly from my heart. I poured my pain and my anger into my speech. I let them know that I would do my best to never let another young man have to walk the path that I did alone and afraid. Because I was no longer afraid. I don't remember the exact words or the rest of the ceremony but I ended up getting drinks with one of the committee members afterwards and some of the interns. Here is the email she sent me afterwards. I've been trying to think of more than a simple "thank you" response ever since.
To be honest the whole thing is a blur. I met a young man who wrote a Rap song about me. Probably one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. It felt strange being given an award for blundering along in trying to find redemption for my soul. Almost like the Universe was telling me that I was on the right track. I even had this speech wrote out with robotic phrases and half-hearted appeals to everyone's greater consciousness.
I'm not sure how long I stared blankly at my notebook or the crowd full of expectant faces, but I caught the eye of John Goetz, the journalist who introduced me (in German), and a friend. I thought about the first time we met, in a bar, when he was just asking questions and I answered them without knowing the significance of what I was saying. Then I thought about my little brother, and my absent father, the struggles that I had and the lack of good respectable male role-models in our modern society. And I couldn't just walk away like it meant nothing. If nothing else, I've learned a lot, and as a learned person it is my duty to share it.
So I closed my notebook and I spoke directly from my heart. I poured my pain and my anger into my speech. I let them know that I would do my best to never let another young man have to walk the path that I did alone and afraid. Because I was no longer afraid. I don't remember the exact words or the rest of the ceremony but I ended up getting drinks with one of the committee members afterwards and some of the interns. Here is the email she sent me afterwards. I've been trying to think of more than a simple "thank you" response ever since.
***
Dear Brandon
Reiner kindly gave me your email. I hope you don't mind and I hope you remember (Angelika, a jury member - the one who went for a late night drink with you and our wonderful interns). I wanted to send you some personal words, in the aftermath of the whistleblower prize ceremony. I think this was a very moving event - at least to me it was - and you have convinced everybody that the award was given to the right person. Perhaps what I also mean is that you have convinced me that we gave the prize to the right person. For the sake of honesty, I confess that I had not agreed to award the prize to you and had abstained in the process of voting. I am new to the jury and was confronted with such a tricky decision for the first time in that capacity but the process requires a consensus decision by the jury. It could move forward because I did not oppose, only abstained. I could not bring myself to award this prize to somebody who has been involved in killing people and we had lengthy discussions about this within the jury. But having met you in person and having heard your story from yourself I grew convinced - to my relief - that my concerns were obsolete.
You are a very impressive, deep and strong person. While I do think everybody is responsible for his/her actions and I learned through meeting and talking with you that you undoubtedly have grown to understand that and are accepting that responsibility, you also were brought and lured into this situation by people and a system that is designed to prey on people's vulnerability, ignorance and immaturity. A cruel, dehumanizing system. You have miraculously grown to understand this while still being stuck in a very vulnerable, locked-in situation and without external influence (as I understood your story) - this is hugely impressive. And one can sense and only begin to imagine how much pain this has caused and has tortured your young soul. For that I am very sorry, no young person should have to go through such a torture but yet, here we are, currently flooded in Germany and Europe with so many, many of your soul mates, young women and men and children who went through even worse suffering, fleeing a nightmare war and total destruction induced - and here the circle closes - by actions of other tortured souls like you. So, while this is a maddening situation that can easily blow one's mind, you seem to grow with these challenges and mature with them. That is very inspiring and it is reassuring that there could have been nobody more worthy of receiving the prize and the recognition coming with it. I had not seen that when I had to make a decision whether you should receive the prize but I was mistaken. I am deeply impressed with the depth of your personality and intellectual capacity to understand and deal with this immensely complex situation. Perhaps you have only begun to discover and realize your capabilities - make good use of them, they are very precious. I wish you of course all the best for your life - live a good life, a meaningful life and do enjoy life!
And I meant what I said earlier to you. If the US gov decides (or other forces) to go after you, you have a large support group here who would do everything in their power to help you - make use of that when the time comes. And thank you for what you did for us as citizens of Germany - although I live in Switzerland, Germany is my country of birth and homeland - even though I think you had no clue of what politically relevant knowledge you held - that is a collateral benefit, if you wish. For Germany your revelations are critical, enabling us to hold our government accountable which in my view is the first line of duty of a citizen.
Have a good life and feel free to come back any time as a friend.
Yours sincerely, peace & love,
Angelika
No comments:
Post a Comment