"The Light shines in the Darkness and the Darkness cannot overcome it."
-John 1:5
If you go into a dark room with a candle, the darkness gets pushed away. The shadows come alive to dance. But you cannot enter a room filled with light and bring darkness with you. Not any way that is natural.
I've talked with people all over the world about my story. It is dark, lonely, demanding, disorientating. In those conditions I have thrived, not because I have lived in darkness, but because I had brought my own light. When the sun had set and the moon is new and the stars are lost behind the clouds, I have used my intuition and my upbringing to guide me forward. Towards what end, I don't know, it's not the destination that matters. Every road leads to home.
For me that Light has always been honor, integrity, and love. I want to share these ideas with you. I use a Biblical quote up top because it's true, no matter what the source, and my original source for my spirit was my Great Grandfather. He taught me not just through words but through actions, and while I've fought many a monster, inside and outside, I always rely on his teachings as a platform for how I want to conduct my own life.
The Buddha also says, “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” I've been in a VA inpatient treatment facility for over a month now, dealing with my grief and the resurgence of my PTSD. I'm determined to conquer this, to show my superiority over myself and not let it control my life any longer. Though the problems that happened between the Mother of my child and I are shared, and I believe can be overcome, I am mastering my end. Not just because I have to, but because I want to.
I'm going to share what I've learned, but more than that, I'm going to share why I love this woman and why she holds that special place in my pantheon. We are opposites and equals. This is her story. This is my Light.
***
I'm not sure where to begin other than she is a Bosnian woman through and through. Dark humor and quick wit, stunning to the eyes and deadly to the heart. There is a reason I call her My Dark Lady with reverence and a wee bit of fear. There is a reason I love her with all my heart, mind, body, and soul.
Where I am an intuitive thinker, she is an intuitive feeler. And while we are both highly analytical, she is more mind oriented and I am more soul oriented. She is definitely the extrovert and I am the introvert. And where she is ordered I am chaotic.
She has this restless, creative energy inside her that wants to be brought out. Her inner colors and shapes are like a kaleidoscope, able to subtlety enchant everyone around her. And though on the surface she is upbeat and lighthearted, her inner darkness is deep and troubling due to past experiences and her chosen profession.
One thing I should have recognized is our intellectual styles and needs are very different. Though we are both unconventional and like to wander off the beaten path, we both also have similar interests, we should have been using our strengths to bring harmony and balance into our lives instead of competing. I think that because we're both highly intelligent that our stubbornness got into the way. I also don't think we've never been in a relationship with another person who was equally as strong. Which is a difficult thing to adjust to. And I was also wounded.
She is a natural leader, I could see it wherever we went. She wasn't used to taking orders from anyone. Her role in life is that of the Protector, always ready to jump into a fight to protect those she loves. Though sometimes overbearing, I know that she acted from her core whenever she saw me struggle. Where I am idealistic to the point of being naive, she grounded me from running off and wasting energy in trying to "save the world" as she would call it. The anchor to my heart that I desperately needed.
Our upbringing also causes us to view the world differently. Though my initiation into the terribleness of the real world only started in my adult life, she experienced it from a very young age. Her profession and dealing with the criminal and negligent aspects of Norwegian society contributed to her hard edge and judgmental eye, something that I didn't recognize about her until recently. The term that I learned is called the Tetris Effect. I believe that she had accrued some secondary trauma, and coupled with her primary trauma, jumped to conclusions of my behavior and thought processes. She would occasionally see harm and hurt where there were none. And I was too focused and distracted on insignificant matters to really understand. Plus, until recently I had very little education of psychology outside of my own personal issues.
Neither of us like to conform to rules or expectations of others, which is a trait that I absolutely love about her. However, we both have different tastes in styles and ideas that drive us forward in life. She likes to dress elegantly, and for her I would too, but I prefer to dress simply, and moderately. I think with all the differences that we have if we had focused on our hearts and gave one another unconditional love and respected one another for who we are and what we have overcome to be strong, we would be unstoppable.
Though my heart has been severely wounded, not in the least by her, I should have been more sensitive to her emotional needs. Where I need my alone and quiet time to reorient myself, I should have been more vocal and communicative with my own needs as well. Sometimes I'm too lighthearted in things, and it doesn't mean I'm dismissive or disinterested, it's that I never hide my intent and I always try to keep my intentions positive. If an issue is brought up and discussed then we come to a solution and that's it. I took for granted that she is more affected by matters of the heart than she let on. But here, again, I'm stupid, and because my own heart has been affected as drastically as it had been, I was too involved with trying to understand my own to recognize my mistakes.
Maybe that led to us to be competitive, unconsciously, instead of supportive. Or maybe it came across that way to one another in our stubbornness. Her saying things like, "I went through that when I was younger," sounded more condescending than encouraging. A mistake all too commonly made by the human tendency towards negativity bias. Where I should have recognized that Melissa relies on structure, discipline, and control of her own life to protect and care for those she loves, I rely on warmth, sacrifice, and forgiveness. In that way she takes on the more typical masculine role of disciplinary parent and I would be classified as the feminine "soft" parent. I think that my soft heartedness might have lead to her to lose respect for me.
While her love is no less powerful than my own, I continually tried to openly express it because that is what my Great Grandfather did. The people that hurt me, I actively tried to forgive and let them know that I did forgive them. And that my boundaries are drawn there. If you've left my life, very rarely do I let you back in, though I profess no hard feelings towards you. My Love, however, I'm not sure she could forgive. Her upbringing was harsh and her family life never gave her an opportunity to express or explore that avenue. I think that is one of the reasons that drives me is that I want her to know that I do love and forgive her. And she is the only person that I would unconditionally let back into my life, if she would allow it. That is how great my love for her is.
However, I did start to feel like I was walking on eggshells and having anxiety. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was she couldn't see me for who I am. I know she probably hasn't done some inner searching for understanding. She had developed a disdain for it when one of her exes left unannounced to India to soul search and didn't come back for months. I don't believe you need to go anywhere to find your soul, you just need to look inward.
We are like Heaven and Earth. I'm a dreamer, a bit philosophical, and full of unconventional ideas. Melissa is practical, grounded, and goal-oriented. She is what grounds me with her gravity and I am the one that pulls her up into the stars to see their majesty. She offers me security, from mostly myself, and I offer her exploration of the uncharted abstract. She gave me peace and comfort and stability when I was caught in the middle of a storm and being chased by pirates of the soul. And I offer her the chance to overcome and love like never before.
***
Okay, that's enough analysis for today. Maybe too much, but I do pay attention, sometimes it takes a while for me to produce the right words. In the case of love and the heart, well, if it's true then it's never too late.
This here is my Light in the Darkness. In my next piece, part IV, we're going as deep and dark as one can get.
Happy (early) Birthday, Duso Moja Mala. I'm here, I love you and I'm always here.
Brandon.
"To care about someone doesn't mean you need to understand their thoughts. It means you see them as they are; as they are have the potential to be. You see and acknowledge the good part of their character and when you see the negative parts of their character, you accept it is there and know that life and experience will make those slowly fade away. You are there to help them through life, just like they you. Any experience shared is an experience remembered. Even though your hand cannot help at that point, your presence there is enough."
-Richard Cypher to Kahlan Amnel
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