When I had decided to follow the path that I had traveled after my interview with Der Speigel, it was to atone for my sins against my fellow man. I had murdered with hate in my heart in what our ancestors would call the most cowardly of ways. I violated my own principles out of fear and ended up loathing myself to the point where I seriously thought about ending my own life because I found myself to be unworthy of it.
That's why I didn't do a book deal. That's why I didn't do anything else other than what I have done. The Truth of my experiences and reflections need to be heard, especially since I've done so much digging and hard work to understand the nature that we have so violated. It was my inner being that was violated and beat like a dog, treated like a caged animal with no choice but to hunt down his fellow man through a machine on the other side of the world. I don't want money, I want Justice.
I find that Justice comes in many forms but the best one is from the telling of one's one experiences. I find that venting my anger through creative use of my words and painting a picture with my imagination is the best way to achieve that for me. I read an article about an emotional practice done in Tantric (non-sexual) circles is to master your sorrow. I thought to myself, "How would I do that?"
I find that mashing up my favorite myths and stories to show how they reflect our inner most worlds and selves is a fitting exercise. My encounters with these concepts of personified aspects of the human psyche is purely imagination, but it helps me make sense of what may be going on inside myself and my interaction with society's illusion. It's taken much of the sting out of the trauma, to be able to reshape it into something beautiful and honoring. It has also helped me explore those deeper questions that every being gets to, and then share the fruits of that exploration with you.
I am aware that I am just a man, but I am also aware that men have the potential to be greater than what we are. Within us lay infinite possibilities and yet we seclude ourselves to sorrow and malice and misery. The starkness of this material existence is cannot nourish the Spirit, but the Spirit can nourish this empty existence.
Our minds are these wonderfully complex machines that can make up and solve an endless amount of problems. It is the greatest tool that we have. Yet what do we put into these devices? We can observe the largest mass of our visible universe, and know that it is all made of the smallest of the smallest particles. We can see in all of that not one molecule of mercy or justice or love exists. Those are the fruits that we cultivate within the inner chambers of our soul.
Those concepts have classically been told to the ignorant as myths and legends so that they may reflect upon the self and receive true understanding. To shed light on who exactly we are in this strange and bizarre universe. I get to tell you my journey. I get to inspire others to seek their own. I get to sing praise to my Creator because I know that it is by the Grace that has been given to me and the safety of this mortal coil in the times of distress. I know because I have prayed desperately for a reason to not give in to the darkness that threatened to overwhelm me, and I was given my son.
Blessed are those who have not seen yet believe, but I have witnessed this miraculous change that the Universal Love has within my own heart. All doubt of my purpose to help contribute to a better world was gone the moment I held him in my arms. All anger and pain were dispelled. The light within me once again flourished, dispelling the darkness that threatened to overwhelm my heart.
I was rewarded for my faithfulness, now life has become a game. My life has been a tragedy, but with Time, the absurdity will reveal the Comedy. I am really looking forward to this. Because it wasn't anything more than the love of a little boy that may have changed my world.
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