I am kneeling. Chained. Head bowed. I feel as though I've lived through this a thousand times and I will witness my failure a thousand thousand more.
"LOOK UP, CHILD." A matronly voice echoes from nowhere yet everywhere. "YOU CAN NO LONGER ESCAPE FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU HAVE A ROLE STILL TO PLAY IN THE WORLD DRAMA. FACE WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND BE FREED."
A sob racks my chest, tears dripping from my cheeks. "I cannot. No more. I am weak. I have failed. Please, let it all end."
"THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE, DEAR. I AM THE ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ALL EXISTENCE. IN ORDER FOR BALANCE TO COME, YOU MUST KNOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME. THEN YOU WILL BRING JUSTICE FOR THOSE YOU HELPED WRONG." A hand as soft as velvet, black as night, glowing with tiny stars tilts my chin up and I look into eyes deep with infinite compassion. "THE EGYPTIANS NAMED ME MAAT. THE HINDUS CALL ME KALI MA. TO THE PAGANS I AM SIMPLY THE GODDESS. I WIELD THE SWORD OF DIVINE KNOWLEDGE THAT DESTROYS IGNORANCE. I DESTROY SO THAT GROWTH AND CREATION CAN CONTINUE. WITHIN ME BOTH LIFE AND DEATH ARE BUT ONE ILLUSION." She kisses me on the forehead. "BE FREED, CHILD, AND TAKE ACCOUNT OF YOURSELF."
My fetters fall away to dust. I take a deep breath and stand. "What is the purpose of this..." I wave my left hand around in a circle. "thing. Scene? Hologram?" I shake my head. "I know what I've done and what happened. I don't need to be reminded of my misery for all eternity. I do that myself."
"BUT YOU DO. THE SELF EXPERIENCES ALL THE PAIN THAT IT CAUSED THROUGH ALL ITS BIRTHS. IT IS REQUIRED FOR PURIFICATION IN ORDER TO REUNITE WITH THE ALL. JUST AS CLAY NEEDS TO GO THROUGH INTENSE HEAT TO BECOME STRONG, LOVE CAN ONLY BE PERFECTED IN PAIN. YOU WERE BORN A PRIEST, INTO A MYSTIC FAMILY, MENTORED BY A SAINT. YOU WERE TRAINED AS A WARRIOR, DISCIPLINED AND FORGED. YOU KNOW THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS AND THAT MISTAKES ARE SIMPLY LESSONS TO LEARN. WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN, CHILD, THAT YOU TURN AWAY FROM WHO YOU ARE?"
"Who I am?! Mother Goddess, I cannot stand who I am. I know how I was raised, the lies that I believed. My Grandfather gave me the greatest wisdom, and I had once thought I knew God, that I had been freed from sin. When I left home, it was to find Love, but instead all I found was hate, lies, and pain. If I had been loved by God, why did He want me to feel this way, place me in the position to murder, where I was bound by my word to destroy all that I held sacred? The "enemy" I fought against believed they were fighting for God, and it was the same thing that I was told behind closed doors. They blasphemed God with their words. I did so with my actions. I knew better, I am not quite sure that they did."
"WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO HIM YOURSELF. I AM HERE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH. HE WILL SPEAK TO YOU OF DUTY." Maat points to my right, and I look to to see a four-armed, and blue skinned man grinning at one of the SERE cadre members moving in a slow blurr, as if he, and everyone in the memory, were trudging through water.
"Hello, Brandon. It's been a while. How are you doing?" He turns his grin at me. "I've heard your prayers. I'm sorry that we have to meet this way." Looking sideways at Maat, "Will you bring us to the Forge Point?"
"What's a 'Forge Point'?" I mumble to myself.
"IT'S A CROSS-POINT IN ONE'S LIFE WHERE THE EGO IS PLACED WITHIN THE FIRES OF THE SOUL TO BE CONTESTED. A DECISION IS MADE, USUALLY WITH GREAT TURMOIL AND SACRIFICE. FOR THAT WHICH IS CALLED THE SOUL, IN IT'S FINAL LIFE ON THIS WORLD, IS FORGED INTO THE TOOL THAT HUMANITY NEEDS. THIS IS YOUR FINAL LIFE, IT IS TIME THAT THE INSTRUMENT FULFILLED IT'S DUTY."
"One day you'll read the story about my avatar Krishna instructing a king on his duty. So I'll remind you of a story that you've already read, about how a king instructs a farm boy on his duty and what that means. This king was an entire kingdom in himself. He was a poet, and a dancer, the deadliest man on his feet. He was fighting a war, a man alone, against the ever present shadow that had destroyed the land of his ancestors. He was born to avenge what could not have been defended. This king's only creed were to honor and duty, though he feels deeply and passionately as expressed by his poetry. He taught that duty is as heavy as a mountain, death is as light as a feather. That the beauty that those who bear the sorrow of killing another human being will not be a reward in the afterlife. Beauty is created as they lived, and was a shield against the contrast of wading amongst Death." THE LORD turns to Maat and smiles. "The woman he loved chased after him as he chased death, believing that he will die in his war and that she deserved a wedding where she didn't wear black." HE reaches out to Her and She places Her hands in HIS. HE then gives me a sideways look "Only the worthy ones will chase you unto the end. Remember that." HE kisses Her hands. then drops them and turns back to me, two of HIS arms in military parade rest and the other two spread out as if to embrace me."The young two rivers lad asked the king if duty could ever be put down, because it got awfully heavy at times, and do you remember what the king's reply was?"
"...when you die," I whisper. "That's why I killed myself. I know my duty. I've read the stories and I've understood deeply within my heart what they mean. But I failed. I murdered people. I violated my duty to myself and god. I am a worthless sinner. I got caught up in what everyone else wanted me to be and I became the things that I hated most. I did my duty with honor and integrity, and fuck all those people who violated my person trying to make me fail because I did not in my service. But I have felt this sickness, this poison eating away at my being. I don't know why we fight, we're not fighting to protect anything other than greed and hate. I don't know why I punished myself by giving all I had to those ungrateful bastards, and then when I slipped, when I got injured doing my duty because I wanted to look at my service with pride and not inner shame, they discarded me like garbage, hoping that I'd die to save them money. Excuse me for saying so, my LORD, but... fuck them. However, I cannot escape that it was my actions that led me here and that I allowed them to destroy all I believed myself to be. I was not strong enough to survive that fall. Only you could do that." I sigh and fall to my knees. "I'm so tired of everything. It's like my inner fire is burnt out. My Will to Live is gone. No more fuel. I don't have a purpose. My dreams have been sacrificed. I don't know what to do." I start to sob.
"It's okay to cry, my son, just know that when that emotion runs its course that you still have a duty to uphold." HE bends over and places two hands on my shoulders, two on my head and kisses my forehead. "We brought you here to remind you that you cried out to us and WE are answering. You may feel like you have failed, but I have not. It is to MY Glory that I take a broken instrument and reforge it new. It is MY Grace that lifts you up in front of the world to tell the Truth of your experiences. You asked for a way to restore your honor to face the dead that you have killed. I am giving it to you. Do your Duty." HE steps back and addresses me as if giving commands, "Do what you feel is necessary and right, so long as it is motivated by love. You have been taught this since you were barely out of your mother's arms. Remember who you are. I AM with you."
"What will I do if I'm dead?" I mumble, bewildered. "How can I do my duty if I'm not alive?" I look around, "And what was all that about a 'Forge Point'?"
"You, my Son, are about to take a journey through your Hell to purify your essence in the Forge. There you will find beings of immense skill who will create tools of your heart and mind. Know that when you enter, Hope will abandon you, just remember that I will not." HE helps me to my feet and goes through the motions of tidying my person. "There. The Jury has made their decision. Your ancestors bore witness to this meeting, the Jury has taken measure of you and will decide that you pass neither to another life nor to dissolution. Tyr will be your guide. The Path will be decided by the Morrigan." HE smiles a Fatherly smile and gives me a fare-thee-well hug. "I know you'll be fine. You are my seed. The roots are deep indeed, that not even the fire of evil could destroy them. You have suffered much, and will more, know that this is the putrefaction process to eliminate the soul's impurities. In the end you will shine like gold."
"I don't understand any of this, what about my death?"
"DEATH IS BUT AN ILLUSION, CHILD, A CHANGE IN A STATE OF BEING. WE ARE IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS AND MANKIND WILL REMEMBER THAT THROUGH YOU. IT IS TIME YOU AWOKE."
I find myself staring into the Eyes of Ganesha, laughter dancing within their depths as if he is aware of the cosmic joke. "You look confused. Don't worry, it will all make sense." He drops his voice to a shallow whisper, so quiet that I have to strain to make it out. "You have done your duty honorably, you were sabotaged by jealousy and hate. We are all here to help you fix what was wrong." He steps away, waves, and vanishes.
Tyr clears his throat, *AHEM*, I look at him. "Now we hear the Decree."
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