HIS golden locks Time hath to silver turn'd;
O Time too swift, O swiftness never ceasing!
His youth 'gainst time and age hath ever spurn'd,
But spurn'd in vain; youth waneth by increasing:
Beauty, strength, youth, are flowers but fading seen;
Duty, faith, love, are roots, and ever green.
His helmet now shall make a hive for bees;
And, lovers' sonnets turn'd to holy psalms,
A man-at-arms must now serve on his knees,
And feed on prayers, which are Age his alms:
But though from court to cottage he depart,
His Saint is sure of his unspotted heart.
And when he saddest sits in homely cell,
He'll teach his swains this carol for a song,--
'Blest be the hearts that wish my sovereign well,
Curst be the souls that think her any wrong.'
Goddess, allow this aged man his right
To be your beadsman now that was your knight.
-George Peele, ~1500s to Queen Elizabeth
***
I hope that when history looks back in time to view us they look upon us with sorrow instead of distaste. I hope they look mercifully in their judgement, that many of us were acting not out of ignorance, but out of naivete. However, on the trajectory that we are on it seems that hope will have abandoned us for there is only one end on this path: extinction.
I think my end of things has been more of stupidity than anything else. Naivete means that I was blind to what I had right in front of me. Stupidity succeeded where ignorance could not; by being unaware of the obvious truth that was shining it's headlamp directly into my face believing that we couldn't be the ones in the wrong. I just wasn't seeing the whole picture. I should trust my leadership.
I did, as they abused and mistreated me for a misdeed that I didn't even commit. Punishing me for meaningless things, degrading my sense of right by telling me to not questions decisions made by higher ranking individuals. They told me that it was "god's will" for me to do this and for me to kill those people. For me to feel this way about what we have done. All the while isolating me from my peers.
It forced me inward. Beat me into a lonely contemplation, wondering how humanity could ever be this way towards one another. I was a soft hearted person. I have grieved the loss of many things since this whole military bullshit began, but I have grieved for nothing more than the loss of my dreams of who I could be.
After this last interview on RT, I always like to check the comments section for the amount of bullshit I'm going to have to defend myself from. There is nothing more that I hate than lies, I've suffered enough of that filth and it comes from insecure and jealous individuals. I don't know why they would be insecure about me or jealous of me. I hate what I've done and what I've had to go through. I've hated the fact that I compromised myself because I trusted a bunch of fucking idiots who never wanted to wage a righteous war for a good cause. To "save the world" as it were. They were terrorists who use the souls and the blood of their own youth to power their money making, world consuming, war machine.
And these people, their judgements make me laugh with delight because it proves directly many of the psychological phenomenon I've been learning about and discussing with my therapist. I find it amazing that with all the world's knowledge at our fingertips we've allowed our reason and our minds to grow soft and dull, allergic to reading or deep thought.
Fuck, no one ever reads my shit or even listens to what I say. I mostly get messages from sympathetic women, but I don't know how to respond to those other than to apologize. The others are usually some sort of speaker of the "good news" trying to save my soul from the pits of Tartarus by worshiping their true deity, or messages of pure toxic venom that I can do nothing more than be astounded that anything like that could exist in a human being. But as far as I can tell, no one ever reads or listens to what I have to say. They just respond to what's inside of them and throw it at me.
I've not benefited one bit from doing what I've done. It's destroyed my life and my ability to trust others. I've been manipulated, degraded, humiliated, ostracized. I have an Honorable discharge from the USAF, served in the Special Forces Unit the 3rd SoS (more like a warm body to fill a needed slot, but I gave them the best performance I could and left with a clean record despite all the fucking shit I had to deal with.
Then they betrayed me when i started listening to my heart and following the news of drone activity. I've educated millions of people, inadvertently, on the truly dangerous moral grounds we prowl with what we're doing. If any higher divine entity exists, then history will curse the United States and it's allies for what they have done in the name of willful ignorance. Choosing to abuse the powers that it had been given for the most very wrong of reasons.
So I don't really know what it is that I'm supposed to do. I've outmanuevered and overcame every challenge that I've been given so far. Not gracefully, but intact. The very fact that I'm alive after some of the shit that people have said to me, while the government authorities have brushed me off with a shrug when I brought to them my concern of my own safety.
This last October I had 4 polyps removed from my intestines that were giving me an extreme amount of pain. These last 5 years have seen me lose 50 lbs, a slow wasting away while I struggle to hold on to that elusive fable of the Will to Live.
I had a friend that spent the day with me when I was having a PTSD moment from when the Norwegian Police beat the fuck out of me, and I had been called by the Sheriff's Department because I have to pay Norway child-support, while they deny me access to my son. The true irony of the whole thing is that Norway is my ancestral home. They took my story. Made a butt-load of money off of it while still profiting off of war and oil. Manipulated the fuck out of me, then stole my child while playing with my heart. Now they're stealing my pension from me. A fully socialized country who has profited off of my pain is now stealing my disability and no one fucking cares. I have a letter from my own government telling me that what they're going to do is illegal but I should cooperate anyways, and when I didn't they just stole my money directly from my pay. How fucking dishonorable. What an absolute disgrace.
If any country in the world deserved to be cursed by whatever gods that exist, may it be Norway. I can't think of a more vile thing that anyone could do while professing to be a champion of peace and ecological living. They owe me a blood debt, and however it is that they pay it will be up to them.
While I was explaining this to him he reminded me of, "what my heroes would do." Not just real life heroes but my mythological ones too. I had told him that my Ishta-devata, the object of my heart, was to be a good father to my son. He reminded me that my personal war with the United States over what they have done to me is counter active to pursuing my life as a father. So I placed myself into my son's position and thought of what I would have wanted had I been where he is. It's not fair what has happened to either of us. My father was willfully absent. My son's mother is willfully keeping him from me as a way to hurt me while I watch my health drain from my body. My time is short and in my last days I have been left to die alone away from my only dream which was to be a good father and husband while serving the greater good.
Yeah, I do not have a happy attitude towards those that have hurt me. I can forgive but I can never forget. I know that maybe in a few hundred years, history will give me my justice by proving that I was right about everything. But knowing that right now, and the end of this life will be spent in sorrow and grief before the lights go out. Don't mourn for me, I do not deserve such gratefulness for my life. Mourn with me for who we've become.
I know I'm not perfect, but I do know that I am a good man, despite what I had been encouraged to do. I wouldn't be tearing myself apart over this whole mess if I wasn't. I am forever a murderer. I'm not a hero, I don't think I could ever be. Who would admire me? I am a servant to duty. That's all I could ever be. It's the only thing I know how to be successful at. The question is, what is my duty when all my obligations have been filled. I don't owe the world anything, though many have stolen from me, openly, I forgive all debts and trespasses. I no longer feel that I will suffer for what I have done, but many will for what they have done. However, that's not my concern. Karma will deal with that.
Yet again, I can't turn my back on my upbringing and core ideals. Regardless of how the world works that shouldn't change how I work. I just don't know what to do, what else I can do. Is speaking out enough? Do I have to get involved in politics? That would probably make me want to kill myself truly. Though my record would probably be the cleanest any male political figure would have in the recent decades. I've left plenty of ammo for people to use against me, yet instead of using real shit they just throw made up shit all over the place.
But anyways, politics would drive me madder than I already am. I don't need that shit in my life. I just want to help make the world a better place so my son and his generation don't have to be in a world where war and violent conflict are normal things and love is scarce. I don't want to die knowing that I did more harm than good in the world. I don't want to leave without hope for our future.
So where do I begin?
09 December 2018
30 October 2018
Shade and Water
"My water is yours and the shade of my household will welcome you."
-Aiel Chieftain's greeting,
Wheel of Time Series
by Robert Jordan
***
I'm going to wax poetically here, simply because I'm in that kind of mood.
I once used to have a few dreams that repeated through out my life. When I think about them they play like movies in my head, and since learning certain mediation techniques I've been able to gather greater detail. I've also had instances in my life where I've felt that the dreams have been "fulfilled" yet what they actually completed I still have no idea. I don't think I'll get those answers in this lifetime.
The ancients say that once you achieve certain states of mind and spirit they can never be taken from you. Once you open the doors of perception you can never close them again. In order to see these things as they truly are one must "know thyself," nosce te ipsum, as written on the entryway to the Oracle of Athens. If we are to probe the mysteries of nature we must know what we are working with in our selves. We must dedicate time and discipline to this task.
If we are to follow the path of the ancients, they valued the dream state and the access to it more than we do today. The aboriginals of Australia see no difference between the dream and the waking state. The Vedas tell that the Dream is the true state of being and this world that we believe is the "waking world" is only temporary and not the true home of the self. The mystics of the ages have sought access to this realm across all religions, philosophies, and faiths. It is the state of supreme ecstasy and joy. It is where the self is reunited with the Eternal, and freedom of expression is found without judgement, spontaneous in action, where cause and effect are one.
In my dreams, there have always been two expressions of feminine energy. One of Death and one of Life. In my youth I desperately wanted to avoid death, and in my transition into manhood I was faced with my own mortality and loss of life, and I had sacrificed my essence for an unwinnable cause. It didn't end up being what I wanted it to be, but I have given everything that I could.
The moment that I stopped facing Death, that I surrendered to her, that I mocked her power over me, the woman who became the mother of my son barreled into my life and I suffered a fate better than a physical death. It was a death to everything that I had ever believed about myself and my relationship with the universe. She was Kali-Ma incarnate, the destructive transformation of the Nurturing Durga, the great Protector Goddess of Hindu myth. The demons of guilt and failure were eating at me and the more that we slayed the more they multiplied. With her divine blade, Kali cuts off the head of the demon leader, which symbolizes a man's ego, so he can finally live in his heart.
Melissa helped me see the world for how it truly is and I gained a deeper understanding of human behaviors. She was/is the Shade of my Heart. She saved me from myself in a way that no other scenario or person could have. It was as if she, herself, had been pulled from the darkest parts of my soul in order for me to confront those parts of myself. Why the universe would bother, I don't know.
For over 11 years I walked the path of Death and she was the accumulation of it. It has taught me mercy and compassion and forced me to address my own pain and grievances even further, unable to deny their source or the lasting effects. I finally get to step into the light of life. I don't know what to do with it. I got a taste of what it could be like, and as quickly as my lips touched the Water of Life, it was whisked away from me. I'm left in bewilderment and confusion.
I have no idea why Lady Fortune is as fickle as she is. We simply have to live with whatever comes our way without attachment to the results, simply hoping that our intent and our love is enough, that our mistakes are forgiven, and we realize that we are free from whatever chains of bondage we believe are holding us in place.
Sometimes we are caught in a whirlpool of energy, and we cannot escape it's force. We simply have to lay back and put our feet forward, hoping that wherever we end up won't be the final resting place. The interaction with these supreme forces of consciousness, ultimately evoking a complete transformation of the person, is unavoidable, though our decisions afterwards are our own, giving us the alchemical mixture of fate and free will within our souls.
I'm not sure if there is a secret formula or a secret ingredient that we can find that will make everything work out in the end. I'm unsure of many things right now in my life. I do know my own worth. I know what I've experienced and what I've accomplished. I'm not really proud of what I've done but I am proud of who I have become because of it. I can live, even if I don't know what to do with it.
A final note, I don't know how many mistakes any of you have made in your life, but they never stop. Mistakes are what help us grow, together and alone. I hope that you are gentle with yourself and others. I hope that you are true to yourself and others.
May you find your dreams come true.
-Aiel Chieftain's greeting,
Wheel of Time Series
by Robert Jordan
***
I'm going to wax poetically here, simply because I'm in that kind of mood.
I once used to have a few dreams that repeated through out my life. When I think about them they play like movies in my head, and since learning certain mediation techniques I've been able to gather greater detail. I've also had instances in my life where I've felt that the dreams have been "fulfilled" yet what they actually completed I still have no idea. I don't think I'll get those answers in this lifetime.
The ancients say that once you achieve certain states of mind and spirit they can never be taken from you. Once you open the doors of perception you can never close them again. In order to see these things as they truly are one must "know thyself," nosce te ipsum, as written on the entryway to the Oracle of Athens. If we are to probe the mysteries of nature we must know what we are working with in our selves. We must dedicate time and discipline to this task.
If we are to follow the path of the ancients, they valued the dream state and the access to it more than we do today. The aboriginals of Australia see no difference between the dream and the waking state. The Vedas tell that the Dream is the true state of being and this world that we believe is the "waking world" is only temporary and not the true home of the self. The mystics of the ages have sought access to this realm across all religions, philosophies, and faiths. It is the state of supreme ecstasy and joy. It is where the self is reunited with the Eternal, and freedom of expression is found without judgement, spontaneous in action, where cause and effect are one.
In my dreams, there have always been two expressions of feminine energy. One of Death and one of Life. In my youth I desperately wanted to avoid death, and in my transition into manhood I was faced with my own mortality and loss of life, and I had sacrificed my essence for an unwinnable cause. It didn't end up being what I wanted it to be, but I have given everything that I could.
The moment that I stopped facing Death, that I surrendered to her, that I mocked her power over me, the woman who became the mother of my son barreled into my life and I suffered a fate better than a physical death. It was a death to everything that I had ever believed about myself and my relationship with the universe. She was Kali-Ma incarnate, the destructive transformation of the Nurturing Durga, the great Protector Goddess of Hindu myth. The demons of guilt and failure were eating at me and the more that we slayed the more they multiplied. With her divine blade, Kali cuts off the head of the demon leader, which symbolizes a man's ego, so he can finally live in his heart.
Melissa helped me see the world for how it truly is and I gained a deeper understanding of human behaviors. She was/is the Shade of my Heart. She saved me from myself in a way that no other scenario or person could have. It was as if she, herself, had been pulled from the darkest parts of my soul in order for me to confront those parts of myself. Why the universe would bother, I don't know.
For over 11 years I walked the path of Death and she was the accumulation of it. It has taught me mercy and compassion and forced me to address my own pain and grievances even further, unable to deny their source or the lasting effects. I finally get to step into the light of life. I don't know what to do with it. I got a taste of what it could be like, and as quickly as my lips touched the Water of Life, it was whisked away from me. I'm left in bewilderment and confusion.
I have no idea why Lady Fortune is as fickle as she is. We simply have to live with whatever comes our way without attachment to the results, simply hoping that our intent and our love is enough, that our mistakes are forgiven, and we realize that we are free from whatever chains of bondage we believe are holding us in place.
Sometimes we are caught in a whirlpool of energy, and we cannot escape it's force. We simply have to lay back and put our feet forward, hoping that wherever we end up won't be the final resting place. The interaction with these supreme forces of consciousness, ultimately evoking a complete transformation of the person, is unavoidable, though our decisions afterwards are our own, giving us the alchemical mixture of fate and free will within our souls.
I'm not sure if there is a secret formula or a secret ingredient that we can find that will make everything work out in the end. I'm unsure of many things right now in my life. I do know my own worth. I know what I've experienced and what I've accomplished. I'm not really proud of what I've done but I am proud of who I have become because of it. I can live, even if I don't know what to do with it.
A final note, I don't know how many mistakes any of you have made in your life, but they never stop. Mistakes are what help us grow, together and alone. I hope that you are gentle with yourself and others. I hope that you are true to yourself and others.
May you find your dreams come true.
06 October 2018
A Journey's Blessing
She waited and I found her.
The fuel for my fire
The motion of my sea
If there is anything more
That I could desire
I'd be united with Eternity.
Her gaze is the heart of the forest
where life rests in play
and the mysteries lay dormant
shining in the light of day.
She reminded me
That I am capable
and worthy
of experiencing a lover's touch.
Seven days of bliss
Starting with an alchemical kiss
I'll treasure that moment forever more
As I wave goodbye from forever's shore
With a smile upon my face
I bow, reverently,
towards her adoring Grace.
I had locked my heart,
she had the key,
to my Sacred Place.
Now with fondest wishes,
I send her forth and say,
"be safe, my dear,
find what you need,
I'll be waiting here,
to hear about your deeds.
May you love yourself
fully,
forgive yourself, too,
Blessed be, my lovely,
Your Liberation has ensued."
Off I march to war,
Knowing I can Love,
At Peace with myself,
And Blessed from Above.
Go Forth, and conquer,
Ye who search for Truth,
Enjoy the fruits of victory,
May your soul's be soothed.
The fuel for my fire
The motion of my sea
If there is anything more
That I could desire
I'd be united with Eternity.
Her gaze is the heart of the forest
where life rests in play
and the mysteries lay dormant
shining in the light of day.
She reminded me
That I am capable
and worthy
of experiencing a lover's touch.
Seven days of bliss
Starting with an alchemical kiss
I'll treasure that moment forever more
As I wave goodbye from forever's shore
With a smile upon my face
I bow, reverently,
towards her adoring Grace.
I had locked my heart,
she had the key,
to my Sacred Place.
Now with fondest wishes,
I send her forth and say,
"be safe, my dear,
find what you need,
I'll be waiting here,
to hear about your deeds.
May you love yourself
fully,
forgive yourself, too,
Blessed be, my lovely,
Your Liberation has ensued."
Off I march to war,
Knowing I can Love,
At Peace with myself,
And Blessed from Above.
Go Forth, and conquer,
Ye who search for Truth,
Enjoy the fruits of victory,
May your soul's be soothed.
02 October 2018
Mistress and Lover
Death is a mistress
whose words are laced with honey
covering agony and sin.
Her tresses a raven's wing
carrier of souls.
Obsidian eyes
hide the burning of her rage.
She gave up everything
in hope of one thing.
Nothing has been given
but ashes and dust.
She is a wilting rose
Her suffering breaks my heart.
So I dance with misery
O' I dance with fear
I dance with death 'cause I must!
Life is the lover
whose words are filled with
offerings of strength and wisdom.
Her mane an autumn sunset
huntress of dreams.
Emerald eyes
glowing with unbound joy.
She gave up nothing
in hope of everything.
Dreams have been fulfilled
with riches!
She is a jeweled crown
Her passion enriches my soul
I dance with truth
O' I dance with love
I dance with life 'cause I must!
whose words are laced with honey
covering agony and sin.
Her tresses a raven's wing
carrier of souls.
Obsidian eyes
hide the burning of her rage.
She gave up everything
in hope of one thing.
Nothing has been given
but ashes and dust.
She is a wilting rose
Her suffering breaks my heart.
So I dance with misery
O' I dance with fear
I dance with death 'cause I must!
Life is the lover
whose words are filled with
offerings of strength and wisdom.
Her mane an autumn sunset
huntress of dreams.
Emerald eyes
glowing with unbound joy.
She gave up nothing
in hope of everything.
Dreams have been fulfilled
with riches!
She is a jeweled crown
Her passion enriches my soul
I dance with truth
O' I dance with love
I dance with life 'cause I must!
20 July 2018
A Dream of Death's Court: The Decree
"THE DECREE!?!?!" The Morrigan roars. "Vishnu, that BASTARD, took my Choice away from me!" She jumps up onto the Judge's stand, her cloak of mists falling away to reveal her naked glory and emerald tattoos glowing with the fierce black energy of the void. A lustful, terrible beast seeing her prey denied her ravenous jaws. “I AM THE CHOOSER OF THE SLAIN! IT IS BY MY WORD AND VOW AS KEEPER OF BALANCE THAT I’VE BEEN GIVEN AUTHORITY OVER THIS ONE! HE WILL…”
*A boisterous laugh echoes around the chamber, causing my invisible heart to leap into my figurative throat*
"I never thought I would see the day where it would take an intervention from God to rescue a mere man from your grasp. It’s about time somebody put you in your place, Morri!” Lugh is dancing a jig, laughing and holding onto his belly.
I look at Tyr, he winks at me. As I turn my attention back to the Morrigan, my bewilderment knocks hard against the center of my being. Did I really kill my…? Is this my punishment to be judged by those I mocked as beings only a fool would believe in? Why am I worth the effort? I know my guilt, punish me already and have it done!
I didn’t realize I had said that last sentence screaming like a roar from deep within, the gong knocked by bewilderment ringing loudly to silence even the god’s bickering.
“I had prayed to any god that would hear me to help me find the right path. I prayed to all gods, inner and outer, above and below, the One and All that they call the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and End; I have heard no answer but the emptiness echoing within my own soul. I have looked within to find that the weeds of despair have been sown amongst the garden of my soul, and the Light Eternal that once nourished me in my youth is gone, nowhere to be found. The seeds that once grew to spring fruits of the spirit have all been robbed by bandits who worship greed over honor. The fires of sin and hate have burned what had once been a glorious wood full of all the creatures of the universes to the roots. The wellspring of Eternal Life that I had once drank deeply from has gone to drought. The body that is the instrument of the self to play out Creation’s glory is broken, and out of tune. My Great Grandfather once told me that we will be judged how we judged not only others but ourselves in front of the All of Alls. That the Great Assembly will be witness to the soul lain bare after all it’s cycles and be held accountable for all its deeds. I know of only one life that I have lived, and I had done my best, but failed in response to my ultimate duty to Life. I had become everything that I had never wanted to be, everything that they wanted me to be. I had turned my back on my Grandfather’s teachings and had become lost and astray. When I found myself in the Pit of Death, who answered before sorrow choked out my heart and I succumbed to those weeds of despair? I care not for anyone’s decree because I judge myself Damned, let me be in my misery. I am a coward and a fool, there is no mercy for me.”
As I spoke the Morrigan’s dark energy faded and her cloak of mists covered her like raven’s wings. She walks towards me down invisible steps, as light as panther at play. She is looking at me eye to eye by the time I finish, with a great sorrow etched upon her face.
“Child, oh Child, you know not of what you speak. You have forgotten all that you’ve been taught. Nature’s roots run deep and after a fire has destroyed all that is old and decayed, new growth can form. Death is not the End of All Things it is the transition from one state to another, I am the Aspect that was acknowledged by your ancestors. The Universal Trinity of Power, Wisdom, and Love have given me Decree to Choose your Path. You prayed to any who would answer and it was all of Creation that did.” She looks over my shoulder and I follow her gaze to a young man in a woolen long coat, a newsboy cap, that glowed with the radiance of a Saint. He had his left hand held in the two of his lover next to him, with her head resting on his shoulder. She glowed with the same radiance, and I stood in wonder that I had not noticed them before. “Somebody interceded on your behalf.” Her right arm pops out of her cloak, straight out and palm upraised. “Apparently you are very dear to this Holy Sage, for you were his charge in your infancy and it was he who tended the garden of your soul as you grew into manhood.”
The man and woman smile at me with all the love that I ever remembered. I take a step towards them but Tyr puts his hand upon the center of my chest. “Not now, son,” he whispers, “it’s not time for you to do that yet.” He looks at the Morrigan, “you’ll get the proper opportunity soon. You have a Duty to attend to.” Rage starts bubbling in my chest, I take a deep breath to respond but he cuts me off cleanly. “You will have your time. If you truly believe in Justice then you know that it all comes around in due time. What is Death to one who knows that it is not the end? Be a man, do your Duty, and God will reward the Soul.” Tyr pushes me back towards my seat. “You asked for this, now stand for it.”
I turn back towards the Morrigan and chokingly say, “Ma’am, what shall you have me do?” I bow my head and assume military parade rest.
In a soft though solid voice, heard by all the Assembly, she spoke and it was written upon my Spirit. “You shall walk the Lonely Path, the one that few dare to walk. You will bear witness to your life, beginning until the end, one more time. You will remember the lessons that you were taught, that you turned away from, and the roots from those seeds that were planted within your soul will spring new life. Through toil of the mind, heart, spirit, and body will you produce new fruit and again share the teachings that you were given. You will bare your shame in front of the world of men for judgement, and they will scorn you, revile you. You will be betrayed by the beliefs that you once held on to in your darkest days, and even those days will be as bright as midday to the ones that you will see ahead. Your companions that cross your path will not understand, because they have not needed to reach that far in this lifetime, but just like you had to be inspired to continue in your darkest days, your infinitesimally small light will shine in the infinite darkness for a moment of brilliance and you will give mankind a glimpse of it’s most terrible self. No other test of courage or honor is greater than that of facing the worst of what we are with an open heart. We will all witness your fall from grace and it will be up to you to walk to Path that I place before you. The Death you seek will not be an end to this mortal coil, but to all you have ever been.” She leans forward and kisses my forehead, lifting my chin so I can look into her eyes. “So be my Decree.” She straightens herself, looks searchingly into my depths. “Do your ancestors proud.” She turns around and walks back up to her seat of judgement.
A man in kingly garments stands up in the Jurors stand. “By the Balance of Light and Shadow, we who represent that within you, the masters of the hidden worlds, uphold this Decree. We require this one to study as a Disciple of War, rather than a simple student through experience. He must dedicate all towards the this end.” He looks in my direction. “The tenants of the ancient warrior masters must be the bastion wall of your soul, just as the wisdom of your grandfather is your foundation. The mind will be crafted into the blade, the body it’s handle, the tongue it’s edge, and the heart the force behind it to slay the ignorance that lay within. The pillars that will uphold your bastion will be Sincerity, Justice, Faith, Philanthropy, Heroism, and Love. The fruits that will be produced in the garden of your soul will be Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Fidelity, Gentleness, and Self-Control. In all manners of conflict you will strive to represent Rectitude, Courage, Mercy, Respect, Honesty, Honor, Loyalty, and Character. For these must you build; must you toil; must you forge, in Power Divine, Supremest Wisdom, and Primeval Love. For these are things eternal, and eternal shall they endure.”
He sits down and the Shadow of a Woman stands, her voice drips with malice supreme. “To the Void must you give up your desires, wishes, happiness and unhappiness. To find the true transmutation of the self one must suffer the Dark Night of the Soul. Your emotions will be the chemical mixture, your thoughts the sturrer of the pot. Purifying this mixture will be your task, and the invisible hands of the Three Fates of Past, Present, and Future are your avenue to finding the ingredients you need. You will bleed, you will break, you will reform and heal then bleed and break again and again until the process is completed and all that you are is liberated.” She sits down, not another word is said.
I look at Tyr, he winks at me. As I turn my attention back to the Morrigan, my bewilderment knocks hard against the center of my being. Did I really kill my…? Is this my punishment to be judged by those I mocked as beings only a fool would believe in? Why am I worth the effort? I know my guilt, punish me already and have it done!
I didn’t realize I had said that last sentence screaming like a roar from deep within, the gong knocked by bewilderment ringing loudly to silence even the god’s bickering.
“I had prayed to any god that would hear me to help me find the right path. I prayed to all gods, inner and outer, above and below, the One and All that they call the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and End; I have heard no answer but the emptiness echoing within my own soul. I have looked within to find that the weeds of despair have been sown amongst the garden of my soul, and the Light Eternal that once nourished me in my youth is gone, nowhere to be found. The seeds that once grew to spring fruits of the spirit have all been robbed by bandits who worship greed over honor. The fires of sin and hate have burned what had once been a glorious wood full of all the creatures of the universes to the roots. The wellspring of Eternal Life that I had once drank deeply from has gone to drought. The body that is the instrument of the self to play out Creation’s glory is broken, and out of tune. My Great Grandfather once told me that we will be judged how we judged not only others but ourselves in front of the All of Alls. That the Great Assembly will be witness to the soul lain bare after all it’s cycles and be held accountable for all its deeds. I know of only one life that I have lived, and I had done my best, but failed in response to my ultimate duty to Life. I had become everything that I had never wanted to be, everything that they wanted me to be. I had turned my back on my Grandfather’s teachings and had become lost and astray. When I found myself in the Pit of Death, who answered before sorrow choked out my heart and I succumbed to those weeds of despair? I care not for anyone’s decree because I judge myself Damned, let me be in my misery. I am a coward and a fool, there is no mercy for me.”
As I spoke the Morrigan’s dark energy faded and her cloak of mists covered her like raven’s wings. She walks towards me down invisible steps, as light as panther at play. She is looking at me eye to eye by the time I finish, with a great sorrow etched upon her face.
“Child, oh Child, you know not of what you speak. You have forgotten all that you’ve been taught. Nature’s roots run deep and after a fire has destroyed all that is old and decayed, new growth can form. Death is not the End of All Things it is the transition from one state to another, I am the Aspect that was acknowledged by your ancestors. The Universal Trinity of Power, Wisdom, and Love have given me Decree to Choose your Path. You prayed to any who would answer and it was all of Creation that did.” She looks over my shoulder and I follow her gaze to a young man in a woolen long coat, a newsboy cap, that glowed with the radiance of a Saint. He had his left hand held in the two of his lover next to him, with her head resting on his shoulder. She glowed with the same radiance, and I stood in wonder that I had not noticed them before. “Somebody interceded on your behalf.” Her right arm pops out of her cloak, straight out and palm upraised. “Apparently you are very dear to this Holy Sage, for you were his charge in your infancy and it was he who tended the garden of your soul as you grew into manhood.”
The man and woman smile at me with all the love that I ever remembered. I take a step towards them but Tyr puts his hand upon the center of my chest. “Not now, son,” he whispers, “it’s not time for you to do that yet.” He looks at the Morrigan, “you’ll get the proper opportunity soon. You have a Duty to attend to.” Rage starts bubbling in my chest, I take a deep breath to respond but he cuts me off cleanly. “You will have your time. If you truly believe in Justice then you know that it all comes around in due time. What is Death to one who knows that it is not the end? Be a man, do your Duty, and God will reward the Soul.” Tyr pushes me back towards my seat. “You asked for this, now stand for it.”
I turn back towards the Morrigan and chokingly say, “Ma’am, what shall you have me do?” I bow my head and assume military parade rest.
In a soft though solid voice, heard by all the Assembly, she spoke and it was written upon my Spirit. “You shall walk the Lonely Path, the one that few dare to walk. You will bear witness to your life, beginning until the end, one more time. You will remember the lessons that you were taught, that you turned away from, and the roots from those seeds that were planted within your soul will spring new life. Through toil of the mind, heart, spirit, and body will you produce new fruit and again share the teachings that you were given. You will bare your shame in front of the world of men for judgement, and they will scorn you, revile you. You will be betrayed by the beliefs that you once held on to in your darkest days, and even those days will be as bright as midday to the ones that you will see ahead. Your companions that cross your path will not understand, because they have not needed to reach that far in this lifetime, but just like you had to be inspired to continue in your darkest days, your infinitesimally small light will shine in the infinite darkness for a moment of brilliance and you will give mankind a glimpse of it’s most terrible self. No other test of courage or honor is greater than that of facing the worst of what we are with an open heart. We will all witness your fall from grace and it will be up to you to walk to Path that I place before you. The Death you seek will not be an end to this mortal coil, but to all you have ever been.” She leans forward and kisses my forehead, lifting my chin so I can look into her eyes. “So be my Decree.” She straightens herself, looks searchingly into my depths. “Do your ancestors proud.” She turns around and walks back up to her seat of judgement.
A man in kingly garments stands up in the Jurors stand. “By the Balance of Light and Shadow, we who represent that within you, the masters of the hidden worlds, uphold this Decree. We require this one to study as a Disciple of War, rather than a simple student through experience. He must dedicate all towards the this end.” He looks in my direction. “The tenants of the ancient warrior masters must be the bastion wall of your soul, just as the wisdom of your grandfather is your foundation. The mind will be crafted into the blade, the body it’s handle, the tongue it’s edge, and the heart the force behind it to slay the ignorance that lay within. The pillars that will uphold your bastion will be Sincerity, Justice, Faith, Philanthropy, Heroism, and Love. The fruits that will be produced in the garden of your soul will be Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Fidelity, Gentleness, and Self-Control. In all manners of conflict you will strive to represent Rectitude, Courage, Mercy, Respect, Honesty, Honor, Loyalty, and Character. For these must you build; must you toil; must you forge, in Power Divine, Supremest Wisdom, and Primeval Love. For these are things eternal, and eternal shall they endure.”
He sits down and the Shadow of a Woman stands, her voice drips with malice supreme. “To the Void must you give up your desires, wishes, happiness and unhappiness. To find the true transmutation of the self one must suffer the Dark Night of the Soul. Your emotions will be the chemical mixture, your thoughts the sturrer of the pot. Purifying this mixture will be your task, and the invisible hands of the Three Fates of Past, Present, and Future are your avenue to finding the ingredients you need. You will bleed, you will break, you will reform and heal then bleed and break again and again until the process is completed and all that you are is liberated.” She sits down, not another word is said.
16 July 2018
A Telling of Experiences
When I had decided to follow the path that I had traveled after my interview with Der Speigel, it was to atone for my sins against my fellow man. I had murdered with hate in my heart in what our ancestors would call the most cowardly of ways. I violated my own principles out of fear and ended up loathing myself to the point where I seriously thought about ending my own life because I found myself to be unworthy of it.
That's why I didn't do a book deal. That's why I didn't do anything else other than what I have done. The Truth of my experiences and reflections need to be heard, especially since I've done so much digging and hard work to understand the nature that we have so violated. It was my inner being that was violated and beat like a dog, treated like a caged animal with no choice but to hunt down his fellow man through a machine on the other side of the world. I don't want money, I want Justice.
I find that Justice comes in many forms but the best one is from the telling of one's one experiences. I find that venting my anger through creative use of my words and painting a picture with my imagination is the best way to achieve that for me. I read an article about an emotional practice done in Tantric (non-sexual) circles is to master your sorrow. I thought to myself, "How would I do that?"
I find that mashing up my favorite myths and stories to show how they reflect our inner most worlds and selves is a fitting exercise. My encounters with these concepts of personified aspects of the human psyche is purely imagination, but it helps me make sense of what may be going on inside myself and my interaction with society's illusion. It's taken much of the sting out of the trauma, to be able to reshape it into something beautiful and honoring. It has also helped me explore those deeper questions that every being gets to, and then share the fruits of that exploration with you.
I am aware that I am just a man, but I am also aware that men have the potential to be greater than what we are. Within us lay infinite possibilities and yet we seclude ourselves to sorrow and malice and misery. The starkness of this material existence is cannot nourish the Spirit, but the Spirit can nourish this empty existence.
Our minds are these wonderfully complex machines that can make up and solve an endless amount of problems. It is the greatest tool that we have. Yet what do we put into these devices? We can observe the largest mass of our visible universe, and know that it is all made of the smallest of the smallest particles. We can see in all of that not one molecule of mercy or justice or love exists. Those are the fruits that we cultivate within the inner chambers of our soul.
Those concepts have classically been told to the ignorant as myths and legends so that they may reflect upon the self and receive true understanding. To shed light on who exactly we are in this strange and bizarre universe. I get to tell you my journey. I get to inspire others to seek their own. I get to sing praise to my Creator because I know that it is by the Grace that has been given to me and the safety of this mortal coil in the times of distress. I know because I have prayed desperately for a reason to not give in to the darkness that threatened to overwhelm me, and I was given my son.
Blessed are those who have not seen yet believe, but I have witnessed this miraculous change that the Universal Love has within my own heart. All doubt of my purpose to help contribute to a better world was gone the moment I held him in my arms. All anger and pain were dispelled. The light within me once again flourished, dispelling the darkness that threatened to overwhelm my heart.
I was rewarded for my faithfulness, now life has become a game. My life has been a tragedy, but with Time, the absurdity will reveal the Comedy. I am really looking forward to this. Because it wasn't anything more than the love of a little boy that may have changed my world.
That's why I didn't do a book deal. That's why I didn't do anything else other than what I have done. The Truth of my experiences and reflections need to be heard, especially since I've done so much digging and hard work to understand the nature that we have so violated. It was my inner being that was violated and beat like a dog, treated like a caged animal with no choice but to hunt down his fellow man through a machine on the other side of the world. I don't want money, I want Justice.
I find that Justice comes in many forms but the best one is from the telling of one's one experiences. I find that venting my anger through creative use of my words and painting a picture with my imagination is the best way to achieve that for me. I read an article about an emotional practice done in Tantric (non-sexual) circles is to master your sorrow. I thought to myself, "How would I do that?"
I find that mashing up my favorite myths and stories to show how they reflect our inner most worlds and selves is a fitting exercise. My encounters with these concepts of personified aspects of the human psyche is purely imagination, but it helps me make sense of what may be going on inside myself and my interaction with society's illusion. It's taken much of the sting out of the trauma, to be able to reshape it into something beautiful and honoring. It has also helped me explore those deeper questions that every being gets to, and then share the fruits of that exploration with you.
I am aware that I am just a man, but I am also aware that men have the potential to be greater than what we are. Within us lay infinite possibilities and yet we seclude ourselves to sorrow and malice and misery. The starkness of this material existence is cannot nourish the Spirit, but the Spirit can nourish this empty existence.
Our minds are these wonderfully complex machines that can make up and solve an endless amount of problems. It is the greatest tool that we have. Yet what do we put into these devices? We can observe the largest mass of our visible universe, and know that it is all made of the smallest of the smallest particles. We can see in all of that not one molecule of mercy or justice or love exists. Those are the fruits that we cultivate within the inner chambers of our soul.
Those concepts have classically been told to the ignorant as myths and legends so that they may reflect upon the self and receive true understanding. To shed light on who exactly we are in this strange and bizarre universe. I get to tell you my journey. I get to inspire others to seek their own. I get to sing praise to my Creator because I know that it is by the Grace that has been given to me and the safety of this mortal coil in the times of distress. I know because I have prayed desperately for a reason to not give in to the darkness that threatened to overwhelm me, and I was given my son.
Blessed are those who have not seen yet believe, but I have witnessed this miraculous change that the Universal Love has within my own heart. All doubt of my purpose to help contribute to a better world was gone the moment I held him in my arms. All anger and pain were dispelled. The light within me once again flourished, dispelling the darkness that threatened to overwhelm my heart.
I was rewarded for my faithfulness, now life has become a game. My life has been a tragedy, but with Time, the absurdity will reveal the Comedy. I am really looking forward to this. Because it wasn't anything more than the love of a little boy that may have changed my world.
14 July 2018
The Price of Entertainment
A Recognition of Our State of War
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” - Albert Einstein
I believe we are now in the midst of that battle with our eyes closed. It is only through deep searching of my self and study that I see. I was awoken out of desperation and I hope that many of you who feel the same air of strife building up won't hide away in this time of need. Because I hardly know what to do other than take a stand and teach others to do the same thing.
I've learned that I cannot change the world on my own, but I've had to carry my own burden on my own. I've put too much hope in the idea that there would be more men who prescribed to the Ideals that I had been taught in the service; Integrity First, Service Before Self, Excellence in All We Do. I've put too much faith that men will stand up and do what is right in our time of need. They have failed us all.
Part of my struggle has been me trying to understand why much of the world has been turned upside down, inside out, around, and through, whatever it has been that I once believed made up reality. I know exactly what I've done and who I am. Much of my problems have been also in trying to reconcile that. Living in a broken body has forced me to face many thing, most especially my own mortality and the limits of my own strength.
I turned back to the ways of my ancestors, feeling drawn to the natural beauty of the world. I had once tried to escape through entertainment and video games. That combined with drinking helped me fight back the nightmares that plagued me by placing them in scenarios that I could control. However, it became an addiction because it was my only tool that I could use. That war within myself became my primary focus. Escaping it became my primary purpose.
Growing up I had always been told about the "War of the Soul" between God and The Adversary. Stories of Angels and Demons, principalities and powers, beyond human keen, with us caught directly in the middle. I had once been told that it was literally real and then turned away from those beliefs. Now, after studying many religions and faiths, I understand that it is simply a different vision of the war of the self within.
I was talking about mythology with a Jehovah's Witness the other day, and telling him why I've been drawn to the myths and legends of my ancestors as opposed to the Biblical Word I grew up with. To me the stories are all trying to tell us the same thing. The Nature of Man. That's it. But one thing that bothered me was the disdain that was shown towards the actual myths that I was talking about. He had just watched Thor: Ragnarok, and he was excited to hear some of the stories that our ancestors believed. He commented about how ridiculous it is to believe that "nonsense."
The other day I made the public claim that I'm an "Alchemist." I can find no other term that best describes my spiritual practices that isn't cluttered by dogma and the mystical crap that I like. As much as I love abstraction, I love to have practicality as well to balance it out. I approach my spiritual practice with intent and observation, visualizing the invisible part of our selves a a chemical mixture to change and grow that which lay within. It's fucking science of the soul.
Which there is a ton of lore out there. So much so that Hollywood has made entertainment of the things that used to be stories to teach us about our own humanity and what is important to us for wholeness. I worship the Norse god Tyr, not because I believe he is real, but because I understand the principles of War and Honor and Law, and have dedicated myself to the understanding of those in a spiritual context. Tyr, as far as I can tell, is simply another aspect of god. Jehovah, Allah, Brahman... whatever. Tyr was the Father God of All in European Lore, before Odin took his place. He appears everywhere in every mythos.
I won't get into those details, but I have loved reconnecting not only with my Norse ancestry, but my Celtic and North American Indigenous ones as well. And I have most especially loved studying and learning about the Warrior cultures of the world, especially the East, and their philosophies of energy and consciousness. I feel like my disability pay is for me to help contribute to a solution for the problems that plague our society today. I'm not rich in resources, but I am in knowledge and wisdom, and I would rather have that than gold or jewels.
Reconciling growing up as a teacher's son and the grandson of a wrestling coach and the great-grandson of a preacher, has been frustratingly difficult. But I have to say if it wasn't for the stories any myths that we tell ourselves I would have been lost as most. Worse so because I would have known better.
The price for our entertainment is that we forget how it reflects upon our deepest selves. How those are mind seeds that are planted in the soil of our psyche. They can be weeds and poisonous, but also tools that challenge our growth in new and exciting ways.
Ragnarok is called the twilight of the gods because those ideal representations that they are avatars of are killed off by the illusion of the world, the terrible wolf within, and bitter death, herself. The illusion circles the world, the wolf is chained, and death is trapped in her abode until the finale. The gods cannot escape, with all their power, so what hope does mankind have?
What hope does a lone an broken soldier who was denied Heaven's gate have? I have the stories. I have experience in fighting away the darkness within. I have knowledge of what it's like to be overwhelmed with despair and hate and fear, the poisons that eat away at the mind and heart. I have direct knowledge and experience in interacting with the muckymucks of the world and I find them lacking because they have no heart. No soul.
The price for spending our existence in entertainment is that we lose our humanity. I say that as somebody who once misplaced mine.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” - Albert Einstein
I believe we are now in the midst of that battle with our eyes closed. It is only through deep searching of my self and study that I see. I was awoken out of desperation and I hope that many of you who feel the same air of strife building up won't hide away in this time of need. Because I hardly know what to do other than take a stand and teach others to do the same thing.
I've learned that I cannot change the world on my own, but I've had to carry my own burden on my own. I've put too much hope in the idea that there would be more men who prescribed to the Ideals that I had been taught in the service; Integrity First, Service Before Self, Excellence in All We Do. I've put too much faith that men will stand up and do what is right in our time of need. They have failed us all.
Part of my struggle has been me trying to understand why much of the world has been turned upside down, inside out, around, and through, whatever it has been that I once believed made up reality. I know exactly what I've done and who I am. Much of my problems have been also in trying to reconcile that. Living in a broken body has forced me to face many thing, most especially my own mortality and the limits of my own strength.
I turned back to the ways of my ancestors, feeling drawn to the natural beauty of the world. I had once tried to escape through entertainment and video games. That combined with drinking helped me fight back the nightmares that plagued me by placing them in scenarios that I could control. However, it became an addiction because it was my only tool that I could use. That war within myself became my primary focus. Escaping it became my primary purpose.
Growing up I had always been told about the "War of the Soul" between God and The Adversary. Stories of Angels and Demons, principalities and powers, beyond human keen, with us caught directly in the middle. I had once been told that it was literally real and then turned away from those beliefs. Now, after studying many religions and faiths, I understand that it is simply a different vision of the war of the self within.
I was talking about mythology with a Jehovah's Witness the other day, and telling him why I've been drawn to the myths and legends of my ancestors as opposed to the Biblical Word I grew up with. To me the stories are all trying to tell us the same thing. The Nature of Man. That's it. But one thing that bothered me was the disdain that was shown towards the actual myths that I was talking about. He had just watched Thor: Ragnarok, and he was excited to hear some of the stories that our ancestors believed. He commented about how ridiculous it is to believe that "nonsense."
The other day I made the public claim that I'm an "Alchemist." I can find no other term that best describes my spiritual practices that isn't cluttered by dogma and the mystical crap that I like. As much as I love abstraction, I love to have practicality as well to balance it out. I approach my spiritual practice with intent and observation, visualizing the invisible part of our selves a a chemical mixture to change and grow that which lay within. It's fucking science of the soul.
Which there is a ton of lore out there. So much so that Hollywood has made entertainment of the things that used to be stories to teach us about our own humanity and what is important to us for wholeness. I worship the Norse god Tyr, not because I believe he is real, but because I understand the principles of War and Honor and Law, and have dedicated myself to the understanding of those in a spiritual context. Tyr, as far as I can tell, is simply another aspect of god. Jehovah, Allah, Brahman... whatever. Tyr was the Father God of All in European Lore, before Odin took his place. He appears everywhere in every mythos.
I won't get into those details, but I have loved reconnecting not only with my Norse ancestry, but my Celtic and North American Indigenous ones as well. And I have most especially loved studying and learning about the Warrior cultures of the world, especially the East, and their philosophies of energy and consciousness. I feel like my disability pay is for me to help contribute to a solution for the problems that plague our society today. I'm not rich in resources, but I am in knowledge and wisdom, and I would rather have that than gold or jewels.
Reconciling growing up as a teacher's son and the grandson of a wrestling coach and the great-grandson of a preacher, has been frustratingly difficult. But I have to say if it wasn't for the stories any myths that we tell ourselves I would have been lost as most. Worse so because I would have known better.
The price for our entertainment is that we forget how it reflects upon our deepest selves. How those are mind seeds that are planted in the soil of our psyche. They can be weeds and poisonous, but also tools that challenge our growth in new and exciting ways.
Ragnarok is called the twilight of the gods because those ideal representations that they are avatars of are killed off by the illusion of the world, the terrible wolf within, and bitter death, herself. The illusion circles the world, the wolf is chained, and death is trapped in her abode until the finale. The gods cannot escape, with all their power, so what hope does mankind have?
What hope does a lone an broken soldier who was denied Heaven's gate have? I have the stories. I have experience in fighting away the darkness within. I have knowledge of what it's like to be overwhelmed with despair and hate and fear, the poisons that eat away at the mind and heart. I have direct knowledge and experience in interacting with the muckymucks of the world and I find them lacking because they have no heart. No soul.
The price for spending our existence in entertainment is that we lose our humanity. I say that as somebody who once misplaced mine.
12 July 2018
ADoDC (Interlude: The Crypts of Cairo)
"I use [Heraclitus' discovery of] Enantiodromia. Literally, "running counter to," referring to the emergence of the unconscious opposite in the course of time. This characteristic phenomenon practically always occurs when an extreme, one-sided tendency dominates conscious life; in time an equally powerful counterposition is built up, which first inhibits the conscious performance and subsequently breaks through the conscious control."
-Carl Jung ("Definitions," ibid., par. 709)
***
I gazed in wonder at the Wonders of Giza,
a memory,
a man's myth.
Once a shrine
A temple of the mind,
and now tourist stint.
Dusk showed me the error of my ways.
Prayer chants arose like the moans of the damned
carrying their cries to the sands,
then the laser light show began.
When the prayers ended,
and the echoes began to fade,
it was like the dead were speaking
'even this amount of sacrilege is almost too much to handle.'
For there stood the monuments to the God within,
surrounded by humanity's filth and rubble.
Here we once sought the greater mysteries of mankind,
and today you can buy it's likeness for some coin.
Oh, I pray to the Sun above,
for you have been consistent with your Love,
please let us remember nature's cycle,
and yea, the harvest not yet,
grow from these Crypts of Cairo,
a flower beyond reproach,
a remembrance for what was once lost.
I hope that we can become that once more.
***
I wanted to weep in shame when I went to the pyramids. As somebody who mysticized the land of Egypt growing up, I had always wanted to tread where the Pharaohs walked, where so many mysteries of human kind were explored in a way that we could only imagine, and where much of our history spreads from.
But the travesty that I saw while I was there. The garbage, the poverty, the disdain for both. I cannot understand a people who have such beautiful architecture and wonderful devotion to spiritual activities could stand to represent such sorrow.
Where once the fertile Nile fed the life of the people, it is now encrusted with concrete and clogged with trash. The drive between Cairo and Alexandria showed the skeletal ruins of palaces and half villages, smattered with industrial complexes spewing their poison into the air. The entirety of Egypt is a tomb, where the shadow of the colossus that was once it's devotion to exploring all of Creation and knowledge covers the land and Cairo is the Crypt of Kings.
I had come here on a pilgrimage of my own choosing because I had lost faith in humanity. I had wanted to find that magic somewhere, to believe again in humanity's greater destiny rather than watch as we tear ourselves apart. It has broken my heart at how unreasonably terrible we are to one another in such petty instances. Where at first it ignited a tremendous righteous rage at the injustices that we suffer one giving one another, it had burnt out the life that I had once felt within me.
On the winter solstice of 2017 I prayed for the first time in years. It was more like a plea for help to anyone that could hear. I had felt lost, like I never had before. I had really just started to recover from the dreadful poison of a relationship that now seems to be a Malice in Wonderland scenario rather than the blissful romance that I had once dreamt it could be. I think we all have strange delusions when we cross into love's territory. It can fill one with such excitement and joy that they disregard all other delusions that they had once held. So I prayed for guidance towards peace in my heart, and when I first left for my pilgrimage to assert my right to be in my son's life and to find why true love failed me, I left with faith in the unknown and hope that somebody had listened.
***
I can tell you that the greatest moment in my life was when I held my son in my arms for the first time after almost a year of separation. I had felt so many dead things inside of me burst into flame by his tiny spark of life. The Buddha rumouredly said that “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Well the flame from my son gave me a roaring star inside my Heart.
I think somebody did listen to my prayers long before I had even uttered them from my heart. I can find no greater reason to live than for my son, and no greater reason to fight so that he will never have to.
The dead kings of Egypt have given me their blessing with the thought that though society has woven it's illusion around the hearts of men, the evidence to our greatness is still to be found, and that it is not found in the wailing of dead religions bemoaning their god to come rescue them from perdition's grasp, it is found within our searching and striving to be all that it is that we can be. To sprout the seeds of god that lay within all mankind. To utilize science to explore further into who we are and who we are meant to be...
The Crypts of Cairo should be an honored city, not the filthy trash heap it has become. Woe, to us and our fall from grace. My hope is that life once again flourish there, just like it does within me. I have only glimpsed the Tomb of Kings, they live in it's shadow. Someday it will be sacred again.
-Carl Jung ("Definitions," ibid., par. 709)
***
I gazed in wonder at the Wonders of Giza,
a memory,
a man's myth.
Once a shrine
A temple of the mind,
and now tourist stint.
Dusk showed me the error of my ways.
Prayer chants arose like the moans of the damned
carrying their cries to the sands,
then the laser light show began.
When the prayers ended,
and the echoes began to fade,
it was like the dead were speaking
'even this amount of sacrilege is almost too much to handle.'
For there stood the monuments to the God within,
surrounded by humanity's filth and rubble.
Here we once sought the greater mysteries of mankind,
and today you can buy it's likeness for some coin.
Oh, I pray to the Sun above,
for you have been consistent with your Love,
please let us remember nature's cycle,
and yea, the harvest not yet,
grow from these Crypts of Cairo,
a flower beyond reproach,
a remembrance for what was once lost.
I hope that we can become that once more.
***
I wanted to weep in shame when I went to the pyramids. As somebody who mysticized the land of Egypt growing up, I had always wanted to tread where the Pharaohs walked, where so many mysteries of human kind were explored in a way that we could only imagine, and where much of our history spreads from.
But the travesty that I saw while I was there. The garbage, the poverty, the disdain for both. I cannot understand a people who have such beautiful architecture and wonderful devotion to spiritual activities could stand to represent such sorrow.
Where once the fertile Nile fed the life of the people, it is now encrusted with concrete and clogged with trash. The drive between Cairo and Alexandria showed the skeletal ruins of palaces and half villages, smattered with industrial complexes spewing their poison into the air. The entirety of Egypt is a tomb, where the shadow of the colossus that was once it's devotion to exploring all of Creation and knowledge covers the land and Cairo is the Crypt of Kings.
I had come here on a pilgrimage of my own choosing because I had lost faith in humanity. I had wanted to find that magic somewhere, to believe again in humanity's greater destiny rather than watch as we tear ourselves apart. It has broken my heart at how unreasonably terrible we are to one another in such petty instances. Where at first it ignited a tremendous righteous rage at the injustices that we suffer one giving one another, it had burnt out the life that I had once felt within me.
On the winter solstice of 2017 I prayed for the first time in years. It was more like a plea for help to anyone that could hear. I had felt lost, like I never had before. I had really just started to recover from the dreadful poison of a relationship that now seems to be a Malice in Wonderland scenario rather than the blissful romance that I had once dreamt it could be. I think we all have strange delusions when we cross into love's territory. It can fill one with such excitement and joy that they disregard all other delusions that they had once held. So I prayed for guidance towards peace in my heart, and when I first left for my pilgrimage to assert my right to be in my son's life and to find why true love failed me, I left with faith in the unknown and hope that somebody had listened.
***
I can tell you that the greatest moment in my life was when I held my son in my arms for the first time after almost a year of separation. I had felt so many dead things inside of me burst into flame by his tiny spark of life. The Buddha rumouredly said that “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Well the flame from my son gave me a roaring star inside my Heart.
I think somebody did listen to my prayers long before I had even uttered them from my heart. I can find no greater reason to live than for my son, and no greater reason to fight so that he will never have to.
The dead kings of Egypt have given me their blessing with the thought that though society has woven it's illusion around the hearts of men, the evidence to our greatness is still to be found, and that it is not found in the wailing of dead religions bemoaning their god to come rescue them from perdition's grasp, it is found within our searching and striving to be all that it is that we can be. To sprout the seeds of god that lay within all mankind. To utilize science to explore further into who we are and who we are meant to be...
The Crypts of Cairo should be an honored city, not the filthy trash heap it has become. Woe, to us and our fall from grace. My hope is that life once again flourish there, just like it does within me. I have only glimpsed the Tomb of Kings, they live in it's shadow. Someday it will be sacred again.
11 July 2018
Duty to Gratefulness
My mother told me that I should be more grateful for what has gone on in my life despite the pain. And she's right. Love is perfected in pain and so has my heart been forged.
If I have to look at anything that has saved me from making the worst mistakes in my life, I'd have to give credit to my study into who the character of the Christ was and what it meant to be a disciple of his. And while I no longer follow the Christian faith, I will give credit where credit is due. It is because of them that I sought reunification with who I felt that I was supposed to be. It's helped me explore what I can only come close to explaining as to what my purpose in life could be. And as I've explored other religious languages, I've realized that we're all just trying to explore one thing.
Us. It's all about us.
And I'm not sure we've anything more than touched the surface.
But I'd like to show you where I would start, and put forth why I've spent a considerable amount of time and effort to try and explain this to everybody. My anger is justified. I followed the rules, the laws, my obligations. This is my experience with it, and about as close to a divinely scientific look into why violence under our current paradigms cannot be how we move forward into discovering who we can be.
The Ancient Greeks defined divinity as knowledge, and we can today look at experiential observation of repeated phenomenon as science. And if Gnosis is the unfoldment of the divine within, then our idea of ourselves should be to look at the trials and errors we encounter in our lives as helping us shape who it is we think we can be. I think it a shame for anyone to not live up to their full potential.
I did nothing wrong, obeyed every rule. When I've been trained and breed to look at duty and honor as a sacred obligation, but because my humanity had been stripped away what the fuck could my potential actually be? The best I can do is be a reflection tool and help guide us to a more harmonious place. I'm only a man who has done some serious and painful reflections.
I'm recovering from a Traumatic Brain Injury. The United States Military, after 6 years of Honorable Service, ending as a Staff Sergeant, 4 of those in the Special Forces, doing a job that I openly criticized, because I care about honor more than I care about egos, then two years dedicating myself to with a fanaticism to being a SERE Instructor...I was a master at my craft. I was devoted... and they tossed me to the curb like another piece of trash.
The SERE Philosophy is one that echoes in my heart. "Return With Honor," and the ever elusive "will to live," kept me from giving up on the military all-together when I left active duty in 2011. After my accident, I've had to completely rethink my entire life. Those ideas are very much a cornerstone of who I am today, and I am forever thankful that I had the opportunity to test myself and am forever sorry that I never got to graduate with my Team.
Though, I do have to say that the VA did give me the freedom to explore healing at my own measure while also providing the tools, and learning environment, for me to understand and manage my "invisible wounds" as they say. A bleeding heart can only bleed so much. Luckily, with my last venture into "mental health school" I came out with the tools to ease my heart ache and take comfort that I could be moved by such grief, and move on from broken ideas and dreams while still holding on to the vision of who I know I want to be. The VA might be bogged down by bureaucrats, there are many inside who genuinely want to help, and to them with my whole heart, please don't give up. The challenges that they've presented have been consistent and measurable, but has allowed me to understand my own health because I was frustrated at the lack of health care at times. Still am, but... the work is in progress.
I know that I will be known as one who has done his Duty, abides by Honor, and is true to his Word. And that no one can take from me. I only wish that I hadn't paid such a high price for it. I remember being told once, "the price is worth paying because it must be paid." I just didn't know the cost.
I pushed myself to death trying to escape my lost honor. That in itself is another story altogether. Let's only say that I once believed in a better military than the one they've currently shown me to be. I get to say it as one whose record clearly shows that I served honorably and with good faith. Thank you, First Amendment.
And I would think that people would start to take me seriously when I say that we clearly need to rethink what we are doing.
My Basic Training Instructor took me aside one day and gave me this piece of advice, "Church (as was my "callsign" back then, because I was the goody church boy), you seem like a good kid, a bright head on your shoulders. Don't get weighed down by what other people do. You'll learn how to be a good leader from the bad ones the best. They lead by how NOT to do things. You just have to pick up the good traits you see and get over the bad. I hope you do well. Oh, you're going to take the newbies to church because I know you'll not terrorize them like most people do. Good luck, you're in charge."
It feels like that will always be my sacred duty. Learning how not to do shit and bringing people to God. Wonderful. I've been in training for this since birth. We've seen how not to do it by people who really have no depth.
I'm throwing my hat into the Arena for the United States President Position. Not necessarily to win, but to be that mirror that our political leaders need through direct experience. I believe my merit and my heart has been proven to be unwavering and steadfast, even after I'd given up all hope.
I believe in the idea of Self Sovereignty, that it is our sacred duty to protect the innocent and be open and honest about our obligations. Justice, Liberation, and Peace. You know I am unbuyable. That I'm honest. I'd say that the best testament to that is the paid number one google search of me titled "Brandon Bryant is a Liar." It gives me immense amounts of pleasure that is the best they could do, because I gave them plenty of other reasons to call me other things that are much much worse.
But I'll take liar, because the only reason that is being thrown at me is because they've refused to take a serious look at what we've become. They can't even tell me what I've lied about, and I've been very careful to keep to my point rather than seek vengeance. Though, in a sense I've gotten the greatest vengeance of all: I get to speak the Truth. In the end, they know I'm right. The truth always comes out.
I want to thank the Norwegian Government at showing me that they are a pawn at the same game played in the US but better at hiding it. I tried to escape to a new life in Norway, start a family and forget about my duty. Thank you for helping me recognize that my duty is to life and that no matter what I do I should remember that. I will have my son back, sooner rather than later I hope, but you must take care of him. Should one hair be harmed on his head I'll turn my whistle on you. Because you know that you've wronged me and that I did nothing wrong. It's only a matter of time before the rest of the world see's you've become a social authoritarian state, exactly what your ancestors didn't want.
And as for many of the other Norwegians that I've met, you are a shame to our ancestors. Somebody needs to light a goddamn fire in your asses. I've never been more disappointed in my life except for the woman with which I have a child. And I blame your society more than I blame her because she's a broken soul and dark spirit, created by the many traumas and men in her life. But, there is a blessed few of you that saves the rest from being another curse upon my lips. I hope they are the ones that will one day lead your country and take a stand. There is so much potential and it's wasted by the Janteloven.
I want to throw out a personal thanks to Rick Rynearson. He recently got in trouble for giving into his madness of hate, but his stalking of me and his creation of these YouTube videos (one is mentioned above) that try to craft a character for me when he knows nothing of what my character is have evolved into a total joy. That he is basically the only real response I've gotten and the rest of my peers are silent on the matter is testament to my word. I love it. Check out his blog.
As for my peers... I am sorely disappointed in you. Many of you are cowards that I am ashamed that I had the displeasure of serving beside. You have tainted my entire belief in the goodness of anyone in ranking positions. I know some of you have had the discussion with me over this. I also know some of you are doing your best with your deeds and not your words and for that I thank you. I am trying to bring voice to our struggles and restore our lost honor. I have restored my own, but we must restore ours as a whole. This comes with demanding that the warrior be trained right, and the cost of discipline is high, but needed for a job that lacks any distinction of honor.
You must know that what we do and I have done flies in the face of everything that has been taught of honor throughout human history. But all is not for naught. I have found the keys to that locked door and I wish to share it with you. Those of you who still trust me, and those of you who wish to challenge me, I offer open discussion. It will be up to you to make the decision. I cannot walk the path for you, I can only show you my Way.
All I offer is my insight so that we can figure out a better future for us all. I am not a pawn. I am a Player who only seeks to fulfill his duty. I'm here for a reason, I've sacrificed too much. I have a little boy who deserves a world free of strife. It's what we all want for the generations to come and to honor the generations before us.
I know that I am not the only one who feels this way and has gone searching, I have only been given the opportunity to search deeply into the mysteries of ourselves. I have trained my mind and body, brought myself back from near death and despair, healed my broken heart and soul.
That's where I have to thank the mother of my son, the physical representation of Kali Ma in my life, the Great Destroyer of the Man's ego so that He may live in his heart. She played the part so well that all that I had once held on to in my beliefs of True Love and Fate were smashed against the rocks of her Malice and within that nothing of my self, love truly blossomed. I tasted the fruits of that True Love for the first time when I held my son in my arms after almost a year of separation. Never again will Death conquer my Heart.
There I want to thank all women who have given us men our reasons to live. Mothers, daughters, wives, aunts, cousins, and grands. If it wasn't for my upbringing amongst a Matriarchal family, I don't think I would have made it this far. My mother saved my life, my son's saved my soul, and another reignited the flame in my heart. May the Goddess forever shine her blessings upon them and you all. Thank you.
I finally feel free do do what I want and I get to Teach. I know who I am and I am truly grateful that I am free and worthy of my suffering.
See you on the World's Stage. The turning of the clock is about to begin. I am grateful to you all.
-B
If I have to look at anything that has saved me from making the worst mistakes in my life, I'd have to give credit to my study into who the character of the Christ was and what it meant to be a disciple of his. And while I no longer follow the Christian faith, I will give credit where credit is due. It is because of them that I sought reunification with who I felt that I was supposed to be. It's helped me explore what I can only come close to explaining as to what my purpose in life could be. And as I've explored other religious languages, I've realized that we're all just trying to explore one thing.
Us. It's all about us.
And I'm not sure we've anything more than touched the surface.
But I'd like to show you where I would start, and put forth why I've spent a considerable amount of time and effort to try and explain this to everybody. My anger is justified. I followed the rules, the laws, my obligations. This is my experience with it, and about as close to a divinely scientific look into why violence under our current paradigms cannot be how we move forward into discovering who we can be.
The Ancient Greeks defined divinity as knowledge, and we can today look at experiential observation of repeated phenomenon as science. And if Gnosis is the unfoldment of the divine within, then our idea of ourselves should be to look at the trials and errors we encounter in our lives as helping us shape who it is we think we can be. I think it a shame for anyone to not live up to their full potential.
I did nothing wrong, obeyed every rule. When I've been trained and breed to look at duty and honor as a sacred obligation, but because my humanity had been stripped away what the fuck could my potential actually be? The best I can do is be a reflection tool and help guide us to a more harmonious place. I'm only a man who has done some serious and painful reflections.
I'm recovering from a Traumatic Brain Injury. The United States Military, after 6 years of Honorable Service, ending as a Staff Sergeant, 4 of those in the Special Forces, doing a job that I openly criticized, because I care about honor more than I care about egos, then two years dedicating myself to with a fanaticism to being a SERE Instructor...I was a master at my craft. I was devoted... and they tossed me to the curb like another piece of trash.
The SERE Philosophy is one that echoes in my heart. "Return With Honor," and the ever elusive "will to live," kept me from giving up on the military all-together when I left active duty in 2011. After my accident, I've had to completely rethink my entire life. Those ideas are very much a cornerstone of who I am today, and I am forever thankful that I had the opportunity to test myself and am forever sorry that I never got to graduate with my Team.
Though, I do have to say that the VA did give me the freedom to explore healing at my own measure while also providing the tools, and learning environment, for me to understand and manage my "invisible wounds" as they say. A bleeding heart can only bleed so much. Luckily, with my last venture into "mental health school" I came out with the tools to ease my heart ache and take comfort that I could be moved by such grief, and move on from broken ideas and dreams while still holding on to the vision of who I know I want to be. The VA might be bogged down by bureaucrats, there are many inside who genuinely want to help, and to them with my whole heart, please don't give up. The challenges that they've presented have been consistent and measurable, but has allowed me to understand my own health because I was frustrated at the lack of health care at times. Still am, but... the work is in progress.
I know that I will be known as one who has done his Duty, abides by Honor, and is true to his Word. And that no one can take from me. I only wish that I hadn't paid such a high price for it. I remember being told once, "the price is worth paying because it must be paid." I just didn't know the cost.
I pushed myself to death trying to escape my lost honor. That in itself is another story altogether. Let's only say that I once believed in a better military than the one they've currently shown me to be. I get to say it as one whose record clearly shows that I served honorably and with good faith. Thank you, First Amendment.
And I would think that people would start to take me seriously when I say that we clearly need to rethink what we are doing.
My Basic Training Instructor took me aside one day and gave me this piece of advice, "Church (as was my "callsign" back then, because I was the goody church boy), you seem like a good kid, a bright head on your shoulders. Don't get weighed down by what other people do. You'll learn how to be a good leader from the bad ones the best. They lead by how NOT to do things. You just have to pick up the good traits you see and get over the bad. I hope you do well. Oh, you're going to take the newbies to church because I know you'll not terrorize them like most people do. Good luck, you're in charge."
It feels like that will always be my sacred duty. Learning how not to do shit and bringing people to God. Wonderful. I've been in training for this since birth. We've seen how not to do it by people who really have no depth.
I'm throwing my hat into the Arena for the United States President Position. Not necessarily to win, but to be that mirror that our political leaders need through direct experience. I believe my merit and my heart has been proven to be unwavering and steadfast, even after I'd given up all hope.
I believe in the idea of Self Sovereignty, that it is our sacred duty to protect the innocent and be open and honest about our obligations. Justice, Liberation, and Peace. You know I am unbuyable. That I'm honest. I'd say that the best testament to that is the paid number one google search of me titled "Brandon Bryant is a Liar." It gives me immense amounts of pleasure that is the best they could do, because I gave them plenty of other reasons to call me other things that are much much worse.
But I'll take liar, because the only reason that is being thrown at me is because they've refused to take a serious look at what we've become. They can't even tell me what I've lied about, and I've been very careful to keep to my point rather than seek vengeance. Though, in a sense I've gotten the greatest vengeance of all: I get to speak the Truth. In the end, they know I'm right. The truth always comes out.
I want to thank the Norwegian Government at showing me that they are a pawn at the same game played in the US but better at hiding it. I tried to escape to a new life in Norway, start a family and forget about my duty. Thank you for helping me recognize that my duty is to life and that no matter what I do I should remember that. I will have my son back, sooner rather than later I hope, but you must take care of him. Should one hair be harmed on his head I'll turn my whistle on you. Because you know that you've wronged me and that I did nothing wrong. It's only a matter of time before the rest of the world see's you've become a social authoritarian state, exactly what your ancestors didn't want.
And as for many of the other Norwegians that I've met, you are a shame to our ancestors. Somebody needs to light a goddamn fire in your asses. I've never been more disappointed in my life except for the woman with which I have a child. And I blame your society more than I blame her because she's a broken soul and dark spirit, created by the many traumas and men in her life. But, there is a blessed few of you that saves the rest from being another curse upon my lips. I hope they are the ones that will one day lead your country and take a stand. There is so much potential and it's wasted by the Janteloven.
I want to throw out a personal thanks to Rick Rynearson. He recently got in trouble for giving into his madness of hate, but his stalking of me and his creation of these YouTube videos (one is mentioned above) that try to craft a character for me when he knows nothing of what my character is have evolved into a total joy. That he is basically the only real response I've gotten and the rest of my peers are silent on the matter is testament to my word. I love it. Check out his blog.
As for my peers... I am sorely disappointed in you. Many of you are cowards that I am ashamed that I had the displeasure of serving beside. You have tainted my entire belief in the goodness of anyone in ranking positions. I know some of you have had the discussion with me over this. I also know some of you are doing your best with your deeds and not your words and for that I thank you. I am trying to bring voice to our struggles and restore our lost honor. I have restored my own, but we must restore ours as a whole. This comes with demanding that the warrior be trained right, and the cost of discipline is high, but needed for a job that lacks any distinction of honor.
You must know that what we do and I have done flies in the face of everything that has been taught of honor throughout human history. But all is not for naught. I have found the keys to that locked door and I wish to share it with you. Those of you who still trust me, and those of you who wish to challenge me, I offer open discussion. It will be up to you to make the decision. I cannot walk the path for you, I can only show you my Way.
All I offer is my insight so that we can figure out a better future for us all. I am not a pawn. I am a Player who only seeks to fulfill his duty. I'm here for a reason, I've sacrificed too much. I have a little boy who deserves a world free of strife. It's what we all want for the generations to come and to honor the generations before us.
I know that I am not the only one who feels this way and has gone searching, I have only been given the opportunity to search deeply into the mysteries of ourselves. I have trained my mind and body, brought myself back from near death and despair, healed my broken heart and soul.
That's where I have to thank the mother of my son, the physical representation of Kali Ma in my life, the Great Destroyer of the Man's ego so that He may live in his heart. She played the part so well that all that I had once held on to in my beliefs of True Love and Fate were smashed against the rocks of her Malice and within that nothing of my self, love truly blossomed. I tasted the fruits of that True Love for the first time when I held my son in my arms after almost a year of separation. Never again will Death conquer my Heart.
There I want to thank all women who have given us men our reasons to live. Mothers, daughters, wives, aunts, cousins, and grands. If it wasn't for my upbringing amongst a Matriarchal family, I don't think I would have made it this far. My mother saved my life, my son's saved my soul, and another reignited the flame in my heart. May the Goddess forever shine her blessings upon them and you all. Thank you.
I finally feel free do do what I want and I get to Teach. I know who I am and I am truly grateful that I am free and worthy of my suffering.
See you on the World's Stage. The turning of the clock is about to begin. I am grateful to you all.
-B
09 July 2018
A Dream of Death's Court (INTERLUDE ESSAY: Searching for Valhalla)
This was an essay that I wrote almost a year to the day before my accident in 2012 that changed everything in my life. I just found it this morning digging through my writings. Thought I would share because it's relevant.
Instead of just explaining it, just read. Thank you.
-Brandon
***
SEARCHING FOR VALHALLA
“I will continue to bring the Victory, brother, and I will see you in Valhalla.” These were the final words spoken in a 2011 funeral for a fallen Combat Control Tactician of the U.S. Air Force Special Operations Command. Over 300 people showed up to honor the life this man had led. This day and age, events like these are few and far between.
Today, at many military funerals in America, you can see people picketing and disrespecting those that have passed away. They associate death with punishment and wrong-doing. To bring up the subject of death incites fear. Why should that be? Nearly all modern religions teach that by following a required precept, the afterlife will be paradise. But those that fail to meet the requirements shall be punished. The Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) have Heaven and Hell, while Buddhists have the concept of Dharma to determine if/how you will be reincarnated or if you will break the Cycle of Life and Death. These are just some examples of today’s modern religions.
Fear has always been a part of the human condition. Death, in particular, is held in the forefront in that regard because the afterlife is largely unknown. Instead of being a blatant phobia, it was always accompanied by one thing: respect. That was because it came about to all living creatures.
Prior to the Monotheistic (One God) concept introduced by Judaism and Zoroastrianism, everyone who died went to the same place. It was only much later that the concepts of individual afterlives based on deeds done were introduced. One of the earliest known came around because of the concept of Ragnarok, Old Norse for “Twilight of the Gods”
I have always wondered why the Vikings would have tales of their gods dying and the changing the whole world. But the idea is not as morbid as it first seems. It is the idea of change, how the older gods die while the younger ones help usher in a new world. In correlation with the Judeo-Christian belief of a flood, at the end of Ragnarok the world floods and it is up to two people to repopulate the whole world, while the warriors of Valhalla and Folkvangr/Sessrumnir keep watch over the world.
Valhalla is one of the Norse resting places of the honored dead who have fallen in battle, . Also called “Hall of the Slain,” it is located in Asgard and presided over by Odin One-Eye, All-Father of the Norse gods. Its rafters are made of spear shafts and the roof is made of golden shields. Those honored are the “lone fighters,” or the Einherjar, warriors who have stood above their peers and have lead their people to battle. Those that rest here drink mead, eat good food, and recount tales of past battles for all to hear. It is said that at Ragnarok, after Fenrir kills Odin, the Einherjar will ride forth with the youngest gods and slay the beast.
The other resting place for those that fell in battle is called Folkvangr or Sessrumnir. This is where Freyja, the Norse Goddess of battle and a Valkyrie, chooses half of the fallen to preside with her until Ragnarok. All warriors wait to fight again and until that happens they hone their skills during the day and feast during the night
This premise has attracted my attention not only because of the value of honor and dedication it takes for the warriors to be named Einherjar, but also because of the way they are honored by those that are still living. They knew that everybody died, even the gods, and the only way to truly succeed in this world is to give it all or die trying. I applied this philosophy during my military career many times. It helped me succeed against overwhelming odds and in the end leave as a decorated warrior who fought for the people. Others today may not care but I know my own actions and I never shirked from duty.
Many cultures, including Greeks, Jews, Persians, Chinese, Japanese, and Native Americans to name just a few, have viewed warriors with reverence. They protected the young, women, infirm from hostile outside forces while they also hunted to supply their people with food. At some point they became professional fighters whose entire task was defense and war. Hunting and gathering became its own task. Entire cultures have risen and fallen on the power of their fighting force. And it was the kings who lead the fighting and prepared for war. Examples of this can be found throughout history and in many myths or legends as well.
Today leaders sit behind the lines directing people to do things they wouldn’t even do themselves. Three times removed how easy is it to pull the trigger and forget about the enemy? There is no respect or honor in that, just numbers. And while that is the reality of war, many of the higher echelon forget the number one rule of leadership: do not order somebody to do something that you yourself would not or have not done. They send men to their deaths with no fear. But to their eyes they are not men, they are only numbers subtracting other numbers from the enemy.
In my opinion our society has lost something. We belittle repercussions for our own actions because we can make decisions that do not even affect our own lives. While on one hand we are afraid to let somebody die to the point of keeping them on life support, possibly suffering immensely. On the other hand we are afraid to punish people for their deeds. We play God only on one end of the spectrum. Fear is the key behind these decisions.
Where exactly does this fear come from? Most people talk about leaving those they love behind or leaving what they own. Some talk about not knowing what is beyond the veil. To be honest, when I was younger my fear of dying came from the fact my favorite book series was not finished. The author later died before he could finish the series himself. It made me think about what I value and why. It shocked my system that all I have could be taken away. For a while I feared that I would never define myself and that my life would end tragically. I would never have a family, kids, grandkids, know a woman’s love, or even own a pet. Even though I no longer thought material things as truly valuable to my heart, it was the immaterial things that I thought and worried about constantly.
In my favorite book series called The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, the central character is told that in order to save the world, he must destroy it. At the end of it all his blood will be spilt upon the rocks as a price to be paid. This bothers him quite a bit. He seeks advice from the man training him in the art of war. The first thing he tells him,” Whatever comes, face it on your feet.” The second thing he says, “Death is lighter than a feather, duty is heavier than a mountain.” The main character thinks about this and responds that the mountain may be too heavy and if there would be a chance to put it down. al’Lan, the teacher, simply says, “When death comes.”
The seed this planted in my life took a long time to sprout. It was not until I saw people living these sayings that I truly understood. The men I saw were training hard and performing with excellence. They understood the price of failure. These warriors also accepted what could happen to them and it did not phase them.
There is something strange about the human thought process and death. While many religions place an important role on what happens in the afterlife, most are pretty close to what we experience in our current lives. Sure we go back to our best health and the age when we hit our peak, but the activities seem bland. I, myself, would love to meet famous kings and warriors of ages past. Poets, angels, inventors, singers, and storytellers. I would like to experience the universe as something beyond this life. Hear colors, taste sounds, or maybe we even get more senses to accompany those we have in this life.
While I believe that nobody should look to death as an escape, or even with anticipation like a child at Christmas time, it should not be look upon with fear or revulsion. Ignoring it would also be a bad idea. Death is a natural thing. Valar morghulis, valar dohaeris: all men must die, first we’ll live.
08 July 2018
The Dream of Death's Court: Acorn of God
I am kneeling. Chained. Head bowed. I feel as though I've lived through this a thousand times and I will witness my failure a thousand thousand more.
"LOOK UP, CHILD." A matronly voice echoes from nowhere yet everywhere. "YOU CAN NO LONGER ESCAPE FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU HAVE A ROLE STILL TO PLAY IN THE WORLD DRAMA. FACE WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND BE FREED."
A sob racks my chest, tears dripping from my cheeks. "I cannot. No more. I am weak. I have failed. Please, let it all end."
"THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE, DEAR. I AM THE ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ALL EXISTENCE. IN ORDER FOR BALANCE TO COME, YOU MUST KNOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME. THEN YOU WILL BRING JUSTICE FOR THOSE YOU HELPED WRONG." A hand as soft as velvet, black as night, glowing with tiny stars tilts my chin up and I look into eyes deep with infinite compassion. "THE EGYPTIANS NAMED ME MAAT. THE HINDUS CALL ME KALI MA. TO THE PAGANS I AM SIMPLY THE GODDESS. I WIELD THE SWORD OF DIVINE KNOWLEDGE THAT DESTROYS IGNORANCE. I DESTROY SO THAT GROWTH AND CREATION CAN CONTINUE. WITHIN ME BOTH LIFE AND DEATH ARE BUT ONE ILLUSION." She kisses me on the forehead. "BE FREED, CHILD, AND TAKE ACCOUNT OF YOURSELF."
My fetters fall away to dust. I take a deep breath and stand. "What is the purpose of this..." I wave my left hand around in a circle. "thing. Scene? Hologram?" I shake my head. "I know what I've done and what happened. I don't need to be reminded of my misery for all eternity. I do that myself."
"BUT YOU DO. THE SELF EXPERIENCES ALL THE PAIN THAT IT CAUSED THROUGH ALL ITS BIRTHS. IT IS REQUIRED FOR PURIFICATION IN ORDER TO REUNITE WITH THE ALL. JUST AS CLAY NEEDS TO GO THROUGH INTENSE HEAT TO BECOME STRONG, LOVE CAN ONLY BE PERFECTED IN PAIN. YOU WERE BORN A PRIEST, INTO A MYSTIC FAMILY, MENTORED BY A SAINT. YOU WERE TRAINED AS A WARRIOR, DISCIPLINED AND FORGED. YOU KNOW THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS AND THAT MISTAKES ARE SIMPLY LESSONS TO LEARN. WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN, CHILD, THAT YOU TURN AWAY FROM WHO YOU ARE?"
"Who I am?! Mother Goddess, I cannot stand who I am. I know how I was raised, the lies that I believed. My Grandfather gave me the greatest wisdom, and I had once thought I knew God, that I had been freed from sin. When I left home, it was to find Love, but instead all I found was hate, lies, and pain. If I had been loved by God, why did He want me to feel this way, place me in the position to murder, where I was bound by my word to destroy all that I held sacred? The "enemy" I fought against believed they were fighting for God, and it was the same thing that I was told behind closed doors. They blasphemed God with their words. I did so with my actions. I knew better, I am not quite sure that they did."
"WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO HIM YOURSELF. I AM HERE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH. HE WILL SPEAK TO YOU OF DUTY." Maat points to my right, and I look to to see a four-armed, and blue skinned man grinning at one of the SERE cadre members moving in a slow blurr, as if he, and everyone in the memory, were trudging through water.
"Hello, Brandon. It's been a while. How are you doing?" He turns his grin at me. "I've heard your prayers. I'm sorry that we have to meet this way." Looking sideways at Maat, "Will you bring us to the Forge Point?"
"What's a 'Forge Point'?" I mumble to myself.
"IT'S A CROSS-POINT IN ONE'S LIFE WHERE THE EGO IS PLACED WITHIN THE FIRES OF THE SOUL TO BE CONTESTED. A DECISION IS MADE, USUALLY WITH GREAT TURMOIL AND SACRIFICE. FOR THAT WHICH IS CALLED THE SOUL, IN IT'S FINAL LIFE ON THIS WORLD, IS FORGED INTO THE TOOL THAT HUMANITY NEEDS. THIS IS YOUR FINAL LIFE, IT IS TIME THAT THE INSTRUMENT FULFILLED IT'S DUTY."
"One day you'll read the story about my avatar Krishna instructing a king on his duty. So I'll remind you of a story that you've already read, about how a king instructs a farm boy on his duty and what that means. This king was an entire kingdom in himself. He was a poet, and a dancer, the deadliest man on his feet. He was fighting a war, a man alone, against the ever present shadow that had destroyed the land of his ancestors. He was born to avenge what could not have been defended. This king's only creed were to honor and duty, though he feels deeply and passionately as expressed by his poetry. He taught that duty is as heavy as a mountain, death is as light as a feather. That the beauty that those who bear the sorrow of killing another human being will not be a reward in the afterlife. Beauty is created as they lived, and was a shield against the contrast of wading amongst Death." THE LORD turns to Maat and smiles. "The woman he loved chased after him as he chased death, believing that he will die in his war and that she deserved a wedding where she didn't wear black." HE reaches out to Her and She places Her hands in HIS. HE then gives me a sideways look "Only the worthy ones will chase you unto the end. Remember that." HE kisses Her hands. then drops them and turns back to me, two of HIS arms in military parade rest and the other two spread out as if to embrace me."The young two rivers lad asked the king if duty could ever be put down, because it got awfully heavy at times, and do you remember what the king's reply was?"
"...when you die," I whisper. "That's why I killed myself. I know my duty. I've read the stories and I've understood deeply within my heart what they mean. But I failed. I murdered people. I violated my duty to myself and god. I am a worthless sinner. I got caught up in what everyone else wanted me to be and I became the things that I hated most. I did my duty with honor and integrity, and fuck all those people who violated my person trying to make me fail because I did not in my service. But I have felt this sickness, this poison eating away at my being. I don't know why we fight, we're not fighting to protect anything other than greed and hate. I don't know why I punished myself by giving all I had to those ungrateful bastards, and then when I slipped, when I got injured doing my duty because I wanted to look at my service with pride and not inner shame, they discarded me like garbage, hoping that I'd die to save them money. Excuse me for saying so, my LORD, but... fuck them. However, I cannot escape that it was my actions that led me here and that I allowed them to destroy all I believed myself to be. I was not strong enough to survive that fall. Only you could do that." I sigh and fall to my knees. "I'm so tired of everything. It's like my inner fire is burnt out. My Will to Live is gone. No more fuel. I don't have a purpose. My dreams have been sacrificed. I don't know what to do." I start to sob.
"It's okay to cry, my son, just know that when that emotion runs its course that you still have a duty to uphold." HE bends over and places two hands on my shoulders, two on my head and kisses my forehead. "We brought you here to remind you that you cried out to us and WE are answering. You may feel like you have failed, but I have not. It is to MY Glory that I take a broken instrument and reforge it new. It is MY Grace that lifts you up in front of the world to tell the Truth of your experiences. You asked for a way to restore your honor to face the dead that you have killed. I am giving it to you. Do your Duty." HE steps back and addresses me as if giving commands, "Do what you feel is necessary and right, so long as it is motivated by love. You have been taught this since you were barely out of your mother's arms. Remember who you are. I AM with you."
"What will I do if I'm dead?" I mumble, bewildered. "How can I do my duty if I'm not alive?" I look around, "And what was all that about a 'Forge Point'?"
"You, my Son, are about to take a journey through your Hell to purify your essence in the Forge. There you will find beings of immense skill who will create tools of your heart and mind. Know that when you enter, Hope will abandon you, just remember that I will not." HE helps me to my feet and goes through the motions of tidying my person. "There. The Jury has made their decision. Your ancestors bore witness to this meeting, the Jury has taken measure of you and will decide that you pass neither to another life nor to dissolution. Tyr will be your guide. The Path will be decided by the Morrigan." HE smiles a Fatherly smile and gives me a fare-thee-well hug. "I know you'll be fine. You are my seed. The roots are deep indeed, that not even the fire of evil could destroy them. You have suffered much, and will more, know that this is the putrefaction process to eliminate the soul's impurities. In the end you will shine like gold."
"I don't understand any of this, what about my death?"
"DEATH IS BUT AN ILLUSION, CHILD, A CHANGE IN A STATE OF BEING. WE ARE IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS AND MANKIND WILL REMEMBER THAT THROUGH YOU. IT IS TIME YOU AWOKE."
I find myself staring into the Eyes of Ganesha, laughter dancing within their depths as if he is aware of the cosmic joke. "You look confused. Don't worry, it will all make sense." He drops his voice to a shallow whisper, so quiet that I have to strain to make it out. "You have done your duty honorably, you were sabotaged by jealousy and hate. We are all here to help you fix what was wrong." He steps away, waves, and vanishes.
Tyr clears his throat, *AHEM*, I look at him. "Now we hear the Decree."
"LOOK UP, CHILD." A matronly voice echoes from nowhere yet everywhere. "YOU CAN NO LONGER ESCAPE FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU HAVE A ROLE STILL TO PLAY IN THE WORLD DRAMA. FACE WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND BE FREED."
A sob racks my chest, tears dripping from my cheeks. "I cannot. No more. I am weak. I have failed. Please, let it all end."
"THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE, DEAR. I AM THE ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ALL EXISTENCE. IN ORDER FOR BALANCE TO COME, YOU MUST KNOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME. THEN YOU WILL BRING JUSTICE FOR THOSE YOU HELPED WRONG." A hand as soft as velvet, black as night, glowing with tiny stars tilts my chin up and I look into eyes deep with infinite compassion. "THE EGYPTIANS NAMED ME MAAT. THE HINDUS CALL ME KALI MA. TO THE PAGANS I AM SIMPLY THE GODDESS. I WIELD THE SWORD OF DIVINE KNOWLEDGE THAT DESTROYS IGNORANCE. I DESTROY SO THAT GROWTH AND CREATION CAN CONTINUE. WITHIN ME BOTH LIFE AND DEATH ARE BUT ONE ILLUSION." She kisses me on the forehead. "BE FREED, CHILD, AND TAKE ACCOUNT OF YOURSELF."
My fetters fall away to dust. I take a deep breath and stand. "What is the purpose of this..." I wave my left hand around in a circle. "thing. Scene? Hologram?" I shake my head. "I know what I've done and what happened. I don't need to be reminded of my misery for all eternity. I do that myself."
"BUT YOU DO. THE SELF EXPERIENCES ALL THE PAIN THAT IT CAUSED THROUGH ALL ITS BIRTHS. IT IS REQUIRED FOR PURIFICATION IN ORDER TO REUNITE WITH THE ALL. JUST AS CLAY NEEDS TO GO THROUGH INTENSE HEAT TO BECOME STRONG, LOVE CAN ONLY BE PERFECTED IN PAIN. YOU WERE BORN A PRIEST, INTO A MYSTIC FAMILY, MENTORED BY A SAINT. YOU WERE TRAINED AS A WARRIOR, DISCIPLINED AND FORGED. YOU KNOW THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS AND THAT MISTAKES ARE SIMPLY LESSONS TO LEARN. WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN, CHILD, THAT YOU TURN AWAY FROM WHO YOU ARE?"
"Who I am?! Mother Goddess, I cannot stand who I am. I know how I was raised, the lies that I believed. My Grandfather gave me the greatest wisdom, and I had once thought I knew God, that I had been freed from sin. When I left home, it was to find Love, but instead all I found was hate, lies, and pain. If I had been loved by God, why did He want me to feel this way, place me in the position to murder, where I was bound by my word to destroy all that I held sacred? The "enemy" I fought against believed they were fighting for God, and it was the same thing that I was told behind closed doors. They blasphemed God with their words. I did so with my actions. I knew better, I am not quite sure that they did."
"WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO HIM YOURSELF. I AM HERE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH. HE WILL SPEAK TO YOU OF DUTY." Maat points to my right, and I look to to see a four-armed, and blue skinned man grinning at one of the SERE cadre members moving in a slow blurr, as if he, and everyone in the memory, were trudging through water.
"Hello, Brandon. It's been a while. How are you doing?" He turns his grin at me. "I've heard your prayers. I'm sorry that we have to meet this way." Looking sideways at Maat, "Will you bring us to the Forge Point?"
"What's a 'Forge Point'?" I mumble to myself.
"IT'S A CROSS-POINT IN ONE'S LIFE WHERE THE EGO IS PLACED WITHIN THE FIRES OF THE SOUL TO BE CONTESTED. A DECISION IS MADE, USUALLY WITH GREAT TURMOIL AND SACRIFICE. FOR THAT WHICH IS CALLED THE SOUL, IN IT'S FINAL LIFE ON THIS WORLD, IS FORGED INTO THE TOOL THAT HUMANITY NEEDS. THIS IS YOUR FINAL LIFE, IT IS TIME THAT THE INSTRUMENT FULFILLED IT'S DUTY."
"One day you'll read the story about my avatar Krishna instructing a king on his duty. So I'll remind you of a story that you've already read, about how a king instructs a farm boy on his duty and what that means. This king was an entire kingdom in himself. He was a poet, and a dancer, the deadliest man on his feet. He was fighting a war, a man alone, against the ever present shadow that had destroyed the land of his ancestors. He was born to avenge what could not have been defended. This king's only creed were to honor and duty, though he feels deeply and passionately as expressed by his poetry. He taught that duty is as heavy as a mountain, death is as light as a feather. That the beauty that those who bear the sorrow of killing another human being will not be a reward in the afterlife. Beauty is created as they lived, and was a shield against the contrast of wading amongst Death." THE LORD turns to Maat and smiles. "The woman he loved chased after him as he chased death, believing that he will die in his war and that she deserved a wedding where she didn't wear black." HE reaches out to Her and She places Her hands in HIS. HE then gives me a sideways look "Only the worthy ones will chase you unto the end. Remember that." HE kisses Her hands. then drops them and turns back to me, two of HIS arms in military parade rest and the other two spread out as if to embrace me."The young two rivers lad asked the king if duty could ever be put down, because it got awfully heavy at times, and do you remember what the king's reply was?"
"...when you die," I whisper. "That's why I killed myself. I know my duty. I've read the stories and I've understood deeply within my heart what they mean. But I failed. I murdered people. I violated my duty to myself and god. I am a worthless sinner. I got caught up in what everyone else wanted me to be and I became the things that I hated most. I did my duty with honor and integrity, and fuck all those people who violated my person trying to make me fail because I did not in my service. But I have felt this sickness, this poison eating away at my being. I don't know why we fight, we're not fighting to protect anything other than greed and hate. I don't know why I punished myself by giving all I had to those ungrateful bastards, and then when I slipped, when I got injured doing my duty because I wanted to look at my service with pride and not inner shame, they discarded me like garbage, hoping that I'd die to save them money. Excuse me for saying so, my LORD, but... fuck them. However, I cannot escape that it was my actions that led me here and that I allowed them to destroy all I believed myself to be. I was not strong enough to survive that fall. Only you could do that." I sigh and fall to my knees. "I'm so tired of everything. It's like my inner fire is burnt out. My Will to Live is gone. No more fuel. I don't have a purpose. My dreams have been sacrificed. I don't know what to do." I start to sob.
"It's okay to cry, my son, just know that when that emotion runs its course that you still have a duty to uphold." HE bends over and places two hands on my shoulders, two on my head and kisses my forehead. "We brought you here to remind you that you cried out to us and WE are answering. You may feel like you have failed, but I have not. It is to MY Glory that I take a broken instrument and reforge it new. It is MY Grace that lifts you up in front of the world to tell the Truth of your experiences. You asked for a way to restore your honor to face the dead that you have killed. I am giving it to you. Do your Duty." HE steps back and addresses me as if giving commands, "Do what you feel is necessary and right, so long as it is motivated by love. You have been taught this since you were barely out of your mother's arms. Remember who you are. I AM with you."
"What will I do if I'm dead?" I mumble, bewildered. "How can I do my duty if I'm not alive?" I look around, "And what was all that about a 'Forge Point'?"
"You, my Son, are about to take a journey through your Hell to purify your essence in the Forge. There you will find beings of immense skill who will create tools of your heart and mind. Know that when you enter, Hope will abandon you, just remember that I will not." HE helps me to my feet and goes through the motions of tidying my person. "There. The Jury has made their decision. Your ancestors bore witness to this meeting, the Jury has taken measure of you and will decide that you pass neither to another life nor to dissolution. Tyr will be your guide. The Path will be decided by the Morrigan." HE smiles a Fatherly smile and gives me a fare-thee-well hug. "I know you'll be fine. You are my seed. The roots are deep indeed, that not even the fire of evil could destroy them. You have suffered much, and will more, know that this is the putrefaction process to eliminate the soul's impurities. In the end you will shine like gold."
"I don't understand any of this, what about my death?"
"DEATH IS BUT AN ILLUSION, CHILD, A CHANGE IN A STATE OF BEING. WE ARE IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS AND MANKIND WILL REMEMBER THAT THROUGH YOU. IT IS TIME YOU AWOKE."
I find myself staring into the Eyes of Ganesha, laughter dancing within their depths as if he is aware of the cosmic joke. "You look confused. Don't worry, it will all make sense." He drops his voice to a shallow whisper, so quiet that I have to strain to make it out. "You have done your duty honorably, you were sabotaged by jealousy and hate. We are all here to help you fix what was wrong." He steps away, waves, and vanishes.
Tyr clears his throat, *AHEM*, I look at him. "Now we hear the Decree."
29 June 2018
The Dream of Death's Court: Druid Bound
"Call your first witness, In-quis-i-tor." The Morrigan air quotes at me. I look over at a tall vulpine, young man lazily leaning against a spear that bleeds with the fire of the sun. Strapped on his back is an elven blade and across his sun-kissed skin dances a druid's tattoos as blue as the clearest skies. He winks my direction and laughs.
"Don't be glamoured by the Tuatha Dé Danann, son. These ones spend way too much time with the fairy folk so they think they have to put on a show and out-do one another." Tyr waves his hand as if he's grabbing after something unseen and pulls a horn of mead out of the air. " 'Cept I've never seen anyone out play The Morrigan. That one holds all the cards, she does." He takes a drink. "Watch. It can't be done."
"Oh, you THINK, all-mighty judge, your honor, ma'am, that I chose the title off-hand? I'm not here to persecute, I'm here to help us all inquire as to why. Isn't this the same title and position that was used to find us all out and burn us at their pyres, to judge us against their god's decree? Didn't this man, "he points his spear at me and fire drips lazily from it's tip," once serve that same god, murdering just the same?" He slams the butt of the spear into the floor. "Changing one's spiritual practice does not absolve one of the responsibility of their actions." He slams the spear down again. "I Will NOT bring a tainted and diseased soul into our realms. He WILL pass through the fire, or Dissolution take him."He slams the spear point into the floor. "Let's get straight to the point and not play these games." In one motion he leaps, draws the sword from his back, bringing it straight for my neck in a perfectly executed swing.
"LUGH, STOP!" The Morrigan screams.
I close my eyes, and breathe a sigh of relief.
*CLANG*
One perfect tone rings in the air. I open my eyes to see Tyr having drawn his blade and with the flat of it stopped the killing blow of the Celtic god of the Storm's sword.
"Fragarach isn't going to win this contest for you, Clever One. I'm here to make sure that justice is served. That means we play this out, and your Druid games come second." Tyr effortlessly pushes him aside then sheathes his blade. "
The Morrigan laughs wildly, "Oh, Clever Lugh, you can't deny me this prize! He may be a descendant of our people, but his ancestors turned away from our teachings. He must pay the price of that betrayal before he answers for any other. How else can he be judged by our standards?"
Lugh sighs. "I thought I could one up you." He puts the sword on his back then smiles. "I had you worried for a second."
The Morrigan crosses her arms and gives him petulant stare. "Only because this one deserves our attention." She looks directly at me, through me. I shiver. "I do not take self-murder lightly, however, I know despair."
"I don't dread my Fate, ma'am. I've read enough of the Lore of the soul to know the consequences of my actions. Even in life, those actions that were out of my control I still had a measure of responsibility. I lost my faith. I gave in to the weight that crushed my will to live. I cannot feign ignorance, as my knowledge of what happens to those souls who bring no glory to god, they will not bring any to his foes. I will not blaspheme God nor my parents; the place, time, and seed that did engender me and give me birth. No penance could I serve and no boon would I ever ask to take this from me. Before this goes any further, I accept whatever judgement that you pass. I prayed for oblivion."
"Oh child, you have learned many painful lessons in this life, but the most painful one that you should acknowledge is that you can't escape through MY Door." The light dims. "You are my food, I will last until this universe dissolves it's final atom, ad infinitum. Brahman, the Ultimate Reality, even Him I will consume." She points a finger at Lugh without looking in his direction. "Inquisitor, begin."
Lugh sighs. "Play the life-sequence, Ganesha." He taps his spear on the ground. "You'll be witnessing and reliving your life. Each moment will be known before you get to it, and you will feel every emotion fresh, every thought as if new. You will not be able to change or affect anything. Observe, see who you really are, and stand ready for judgement before all of Creation."
Ganesha materializes in front of me. "Don't worry, brother," he whispers, "I'm with you until the end." He smiles then places the tip of his broken tusk on my third eye, wrapped in his trunk. I'm pulled away to another place. When I come to, I'm back in SERE Training. When reality hits me, it is like I'm chained inside my head.
I scream.
"Don't be glamoured by the Tuatha Dé Danann, son. These ones spend way too much time with the fairy folk so they think they have to put on a show and out-do one another." Tyr waves his hand as if he's grabbing after something unseen and pulls a horn of mead out of the air. " 'Cept I've never seen anyone out play The Morrigan. That one holds all the cards, she does." He takes a drink. "Watch. It can't be done."
"Oh, you THINK, all-mighty judge, your honor, ma'am, that I chose the title off-hand? I'm not here to persecute, I'm here to help us all inquire as to why. Isn't this the same title and position that was used to find us all out and burn us at their pyres, to judge us against their god's decree? Didn't this man, "he points his spear at me and fire drips lazily from it's tip," once serve that same god, murdering just the same?" He slams the butt of the spear into the floor. "Changing one's spiritual practice does not absolve one of the responsibility of their actions." He slams the spear down again. "I Will NOT bring a tainted and diseased soul into our realms. He WILL pass through the fire, or Dissolution take him."He slams the spear point into the floor. "Let's get straight to the point and not play these games." In one motion he leaps, draws the sword from his back, bringing it straight for my neck in a perfectly executed swing.
"LUGH, STOP!" The Morrigan screams.
I close my eyes, and breathe a sigh of relief.
*CLANG*
One perfect tone rings in the air. I open my eyes to see Tyr having drawn his blade and with the flat of it stopped the killing blow of the Celtic god of the Storm's sword.
"Fragarach isn't going to win this contest for you, Clever One. I'm here to make sure that justice is served. That means we play this out, and your Druid games come second." Tyr effortlessly pushes him aside then sheathes his blade. "
The Morrigan laughs wildly, "Oh, Clever Lugh, you can't deny me this prize! He may be a descendant of our people, but his ancestors turned away from our teachings. He must pay the price of that betrayal before he answers for any other. How else can he be judged by our standards?"
Lugh sighs. "I thought I could one up you." He puts the sword on his back then smiles. "I had you worried for a second."
The Morrigan crosses her arms and gives him petulant stare. "Only because this one deserves our attention." She looks directly at me, through me. I shiver. "I do not take self-murder lightly, however, I know despair."
"I don't dread my Fate, ma'am. I've read enough of the Lore of the soul to know the consequences of my actions. Even in life, those actions that were out of my control I still had a measure of responsibility. I lost my faith. I gave in to the weight that crushed my will to live. I cannot feign ignorance, as my knowledge of what happens to those souls who bring no glory to god, they will not bring any to his foes. I will not blaspheme God nor my parents; the place, time, and seed that did engender me and give me birth. No penance could I serve and no boon would I ever ask to take this from me. Before this goes any further, I accept whatever judgement that you pass. I prayed for oblivion."
"Oh child, you have learned many painful lessons in this life, but the most painful one that you should acknowledge is that you can't escape through MY Door." The light dims. "You are my food, I will last until this universe dissolves it's final atom, ad infinitum. Brahman, the Ultimate Reality, even Him I will consume." She points a finger at Lugh without looking in his direction. "Inquisitor, begin."
Lugh sighs. "Play the life-sequence, Ganesha." He taps his spear on the ground. "You'll be witnessing and reliving your life. Each moment will be known before you get to it, and you will feel every emotion fresh, every thought as if new. You will not be able to change or affect anything. Observe, see who you really are, and stand ready for judgement before all of Creation."
Ganesha materializes in front of me. "Don't worry, brother," he whispers, "I'm with you until the end." He smiles then places the tip of his broken tusk on my third eye, wrapped in his trunk. I'm pulled away to another place. When I come to, I'm back in SERE Training. When reality hits me, it is like I'm chained inside my head.
I scream.
25 June 2018
The Dream of Death's Court: A Sorrowful Goodbye
When I was growing up I was told to pay attention to dreams. That they could guide you to right action through foreseen troubles. Then I learned that I could create dreams, that I could dream in waking day. I grew up with stories of Gods and Monsters, Angels and Demons, Heroes and Villains. They painted and shaped my world with their invisible appendages, thoughts and emotions.
Who is to say what will be when we end, is all up to whatever their imagination can aspire it to be. With the sorrows that the world carries, it can only hope that we find some sort of justice for each of our deeds when passing into the next life. What would you do? Who would be in your pantheon? How would you feel?
I don't know about anyone else but I really like super serious reflection and finding ways to bring grim scenarios the due they deserve. I find that my tether to the living world is strong enough to prevent me from losing my way, but there was a point where I had given up all hope, ready to face whatever justice lay before me.
In the Christian tradition that I grew up in, we were given a court room scenario, in which Christ would be our advocate before God. As I decided to venture along my own path, I've thought about who would be my Advocate, and who would be my Judge. I've given serious weight to who would be my enemies and who would be my heroes. I've confronted each of those things, on my cosmic scale.
Maybe that's why this was so easy to write, because it's played out in my head so many times, but I had been so immersed in sorrow I had not the light to reflect. And for whatever reason the universe has given me one reason to never give in. So all this remains is a dream, a fading pain. Every so often something triggers a vivid reality and I use that as a method to reflect. It keeps that tiny spark alive, undying in the void.
Let's explore a coward's death, dishonored, and disavowed. The life spark within had burnt out, a hallowed husk of what could have been. This was a possible future, a broken path. A What If(?) had I been successful in my first attempt back in 2012 after my accident.
Enjoy
*************
My head shoots off the table as if it had been smacked, drool matting my beard. Last thing I remember was looking over at my dog as I placed the gun's barrel into my mouth. I was apologizing...
I look over to see a shadow coalescing into a vaguely human shape coming in from the judge's office. Somewhere in the back of my mind I register somebody saying, "please rise." Glancing around I realize I'm already standing. My hands are empty. The lights are too bright. I can't feel my breathing or my heartbeat.
**MWA-MWA-MWA**
I look over at the direction of the sound. The man shape to my left is slowing coming into form, like smoke becoming solid in front of me. His kind and knowing eyes are the first to appear. I freeze as they uncover my own shadows and weigh my very soul.
"Sit down, son. It's okay. Everyone experiences the disorientation. Your method of death the most difficult. Some spirits don't even make it through the transition and go straight to dissolution." His mouth appears as a wry smile and a bushy brown beard bursts into life around it. "I've reviewed your case. Thank you for your prayers."
"Whaaa...?" Lights and shadows dance around the room forming into the jury and the audience. "But Kali? The Morrigan? ...Odin? Kratos?"
"Sit down, everything will be explained as soon as everyone finishes arriving. Kali, she's the goddess of destruction. Morrigan, the goddess of Death whose aspect is set to judge you right now. Odin is more prone to hanging himself in sacrifice to himself than appearing in a court room... and Kratos is a video game character." He gestures wildly behind him, "All the other gods, spirits, ancestors, ghosts, demons, and all manner of creatures that you've ever imagined and have hidden from your imagination are here to witness today's sorrow.*" By this time he had finished manifesting and was brushing ash off of his pants with his left hand. His entire right arm is covered with a black wolf pelt and under it peaks the hilt of a fine sword with a silver pommel. His clothing well made, but simple, showing no adornments but the heavy weave and tight stitching.
I grab the back of my chair and slowly sit down while taking in the rest of the room.
The myths and legends I grew up with filled up every seat. Orcs & Humans, Elves & Dwarves, angels, demons, gods, monsters, sins, and virtues... I recognize them all. When I pass my gaze over to the Juror's area, I sink lower into my chair. Six of my Heroes and Six of my Enemies all stare quietly at me. I look over at the man who I suppose is my lawyer. "Am I on trial..?"
"It will be explained to you in a moment. Relax. You died. This is my favorite part. I love the introductions."
"Mr. Bryant, please stand," The Morrigan began. "Your life will be reviewed, weighed, and judged, in accordance to the the Laws of Spiritual Accountability." She waves her right hand in front of her to acknowledge the audience and her cloak of shadow mists parts to reveal her unclothed form beneath. She gives me a wicked grin. "All mankind find that their afterlife experience is exactly what they believe in the deepest and most secret parts of their hearts. I am the Chooser of the Slain and you have given me offerings and prayers in according to your ancestral traditions. I will judge and choose your fate. Do you have anything to say before we begin?"
"Staff Sergeant, Ma'am."
"Excuse me?"
"It's a title I earned in life. I would request that I be recognized by it. If you are to be my judge and the man next to me be my advocate," I gesture and look at him in the eye. He smiles," the god of war and justice from the Norse pantheon," I look back at The Morrigan, "then I believe that what I earned in life under your spheres of influence should be acknowledged."
"Well then, Staff Sergeant Bryant, I grant your request. Anything else?"
"No, Ma'am. I'm prepared."
"Then let us begin. Your ancestors will bear witness. Your Heroes and Enemies will weigh your life. Tyr will advocate for fairness. I will be the final arbiter."
20 June 2018
Apologia for Love
a·pol·o·gy
əˈpäləjē
noun
- 1.a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
- 2.a very poor or inadequate example of.
- 3.a reasoned argument or writing in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine.
***
If ever I were to apologize for anything it would be that I don't believe that I have loved enough. Or maybe it was that I have loved the wrong things too much and the right ones not enough. Where I gave into fear instead of grace, I drowned in self-loathing for the creature that I became. Every decent-seeming man would deny orders over his heart, so I am not a decent man.
What are we, if not monsters, we who have stolen the humanity from our enemies then snuffed out their lives as if they were a candle's flame? Can such men be redeemed? By what measure shall we use? We see many today in our society cover themselves in glitter as if that can hide their scales and a fancy coat can cover up wickedness. But by what, again, are these things measured?
For who am I to say such wicked sins exist if I am one who has perpetrated much as well? Was I, or was I not instructed in right and proper behavior? Can my sins be absolved by the waving of wands and a toss of a Hail Mary? Can I turn a blinded eye towards the wrongs that I did towards others, when Justice herself is blind and I am only half so? Where can somebody who has been wronged and has done grievous things find absolution?
I once tried to run, but where do you go when you are trying to escape from yourself? When even Death is denied to you?
The recent celebrity suicides always brings to mind my own attempts and I always spend time considering of whether I have done the right thing with not following through with my own murder. I had three times where I deliberated it, pretty much each for the same reason.
I read a tweet thread about Anthony Bourdain, where his ex-girlfriend posts about what depression is like. For me it was as if my life was draining out of me, my spirit or essence, like a perpetual bleeding wound that couldn't heal. The light that I once had in my eyes, the optimism I had about the world, slowly suffocating in the darkness until I couldn't even see it within my self. My sun was black as pitch, and burned with the fires of a thousand dying stars. There were no evening lights in the night sky to guide my way.
In the way that makes up our mortal life, I had found myself in a gloomy wood, astray, for the right path had been lost. I was harassed by the beasts and monsters that lay hidden within mankind, showing me the ugliest parts of myself and others. I made my way through my hells, danced with deadly sins, and wrestled with the virtues that remain within every soul.
Anthony Bourdain imagined himself a fraud. I imagine myself a failure.
I had written the details of my suicide attempts but had found them drawing me back into those places and I find that I have trouble arguing with my own reasons for ending my life. I also always seem to find that one reason to not. And that is not a failure of love, but a reason to apologize that it is not simply shared more.
And I think that if anything maybe we can see that Mr. Bourdain was a person on a journey, like all of us are, he opened very many people's perspectives on themselves. Which, by the fruits that they bare shall ye know them. And it would be a failure of mine if I didn't share my reflections, of why we get to those places. Of how the deepest questions that we ask our selves, we can't escape them. No matter what.
And so to we, who face death, or have dived passed and came back, I want to say thank you. And to recognize you is not a failure. Because that one atom's breath that keeps the kindle burning, I think that is something that needs to set us all a blaze.
Because I can tell you that one question that we all ask, why? Why take another breath? And by what measure is that worth it?
By these things that I have seen, it always comes down to that one thing that should never be fraudulent, and one that is desperately exploited by our modern society.
And by that measure, if genuinely held in the light and comforted in the darkness, I would say that if they can discover that within themselves, they are neither a fraud nor a failure. That is the only thing that will guide them through their day. For they, in spite of all they see and have experienced, know what the world is needing the most.
Dudes with a bleeding heart, but more importantly a reflection as to why it needed to be bled in the first place. Because we can see that the blood is already on our hands. I, who has clearly spilt a drop, would do all that is within my power to prevent one more tragic loss.
I have seen my enemies through a digital screen. I hunted their pixels across data streams. For 16 seconds I was god, then I saw what a mess we made. Where once honor was planted, war tore asunder, and I understood the nature of what we've become. My entire belief system made obsolete at push of a button.
And by this nature I'm not sure if I am to be commended on my seeking or tormented and ridiculed, because from the moment that they made me a killer I knew that there would be no cleansing my soul. So I sought a way to create beauty where none existed around me. If my soul be painted with my sins let it be a story for you to know that in the end of all things, Love is all there needs to be known.
I am a warrior, for what do I fight? I am a priest, what do I worship? I am a magician, what do I create?
Cannot all of these things be one and the same?
I know that I feel my most powerful when love resides in my breast. I would worship that which gives me the same sense of complete satisfaction, and exercise my will upon natures strands just to see her dance.
There are times I wonder why we spend so much time wondering things. We can figure out the universe is numbers, and we can imagine infinitude, but are we actually paying attention to what we're being told? When it comes right down to it, we should.
Because, let me tell you, it kept me from giving up, taunting me with "you'll just be here again if you do." After my belief in god, country, and self had all been destroyed, the wicks to that effervescent fuel were dirty, indeed. I let what other's tell me who they thought I was matter. I lost myself.
I was degraded and I sought appeasement as the mongrel I was, I was bent but never broken, to what purpose am I to be, a tool from the master's forge, but what happens when the sword breaks?
I've read enough fantasy to follow that quest to it's end, but let me actually show you it's reward.
I have paid the price, and it was worth paying because it must be paid. Wisdom, will aid your weary bones, and knowledge pay your life's passage. Seek these things and you will see many wondrous and terrible things. You just have to make sure that your wonder doesn't turn you into a monster. And you have to make sure that Fear doesn't kill your Mind.
because even if you find yourself broken, that even a candle would be as the sun in the darkness of your life, it is that nature which drives us no more than any beast, by human tongues it is expressed, in all it's hallowed out and worn vernacular, the world bleeds for love.
I just wish we'd all stop with the bleeding.
And I tell you, before I close this letter, that even now my heart bleeds from the wounds that have been given me, and I would not wish a breath of the pain that I have felt to touch the moisture on their skin. There are enough natural wildfires without us having to put out emotional ones too. My heart hurts for the suffering they must be going through to hurt me like they have. I wish them to be free.
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Here is my Apology for Love,
Respectfully Yours,
B. Bryant
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